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I also see the peer influence and the influence of other parents who let their kids do what they want and there are too many of them.
You really don't see that you are one of those parents who lets their kids do what they want do you?
I know this ordeal has been difficult for you. I really do. However, you must realize that you are part of the problem. After the first drinking incident at a party, there should have been no more parties. Yet you let her go right back out and go to another party after a very minimal break. Two weeks is nothing.
You need to be in control of what your child can do and cannot do. No matter how much she complains, whines or pouts. I maintain a friendly demeanor with my kids but what I say goes and sometimes that upsets the kids. You need to be able to do that.
According to the parents of the house where the party was, DD15 brought the alcohol with her. Maybe they're lying to protect themselves legally. Maybe DD15 really did bring it with her. Her father drinks. Maybe Ivory does too. She could have gotten it from home.
There are so many red flags in terms of dd#2 having a problem with drinking.
1. Her whole life revolves around drinking at parties.
2. She most likely stole a bottle to bring with her.
3. She gets roaring drunk and doesn't remember what happens.
4. She gets violent when drunk and provoked.
5. She blames everyone but herself for her troubles.
I won't say anything about how she was parented, but this needs to be addressed and addressed immediately. Get her into alcohol education. Go to alanon to learn why you are co-dependent and have to stop enabling her behavior. Please get her help now!
I call bull on this statement. Children can be vastly influenced by their peers and friends that they hang out with (druggies hang with druggies, nerds hang with nerds, etc.), and there is plenty of research to back this up. And frankly, past a certain age, there is no more parenting to be done, and the child now turned adult will follow their own path. Because 18 years should be enough to raise a properly-behaved child.
Peer pressure is irrelevant because the ultimate responsibility rests with the person who caves to peer pressure.
ITA. Dd#2 is definitely my harder child to raise. She reached the know it all stage long before her sister. I also see the peer influence and the influence of other parents who let their kids do what they want and there are too many of them. One of the parties she had drank at was hosted by a mom I've known since she was a baby and never would have thought would tolerate drinking. Turns out she's decided she'd rather be the one throwing the party if her kids are going to drink.
I so agree on little kids vs. teens. Peers are a very strong influence. One many parents underestimate. A really good book on this topic is "The Nuture Assumption". I see how strong the peer influence as a high school teacher both positive and negative. I'll have kids in geometry who are great kids who turn into major PITA's in physical science just because of who else is in the room. You'd never realize it's the same kid.....and my boss says it's MY teaching that's the issue when kids act up.
Because it is.
Are your daughter's issues caused completely by her friends because you have absolutely no influence whatsoever on your 15 year old? Or are they caused because she has troublemaking friends and parents who are out of control with their 15 year old?
The same is true of your classroom. There are troublemakers, yes. But if a kid is a troublemaker in your classroom but not in any of his other classes, why ever would you assume it was someone else's fault? You blame your students, you blame your principal (who I'm certain has many more years in the education field than you so he knows), you blame your husband, and you blame DD1. You see DD2 as an extension of yourself, and she too remains blameless. If DD2 was one of your students and you saw her devolving behavior, you would be right on the education forum decrying her PARENTS.
She needs to be banned from cheer. Maybe even permanently, if she has really been drinking as much as you say. If there are such bad influences around her, why not put a stop to it?
Peer pressure is irrelevant because the ultimate responsibility rests with the person who caves to peer pressure.
It is not totally irrelevant but certainly is a dumb excuse. A parent HELPS their kids learn and understand peer pressure.
My 4th grader came home and told me that one of her "friends" told her exactly what she had to do to be cool with her and her cool friends. DD told her she did not want to be her friend. YAY! She told me, "Geez, why would I want to be friends like that." Good job, DD!
It is not totally irrelevant but certainly is a dumb excuse. A parent HELPS their kids learn and understand peer pressure.
My 4th grader came home and told me that one of her "friends" told her exactly what she had to do to be cool with her and her cool friends. DD told her she did not want to be her friend. YAY! She told me, "Geez, why would I want to be friends like that." Good job, DD!
It is not totally irrelevant but certainly is a dumb excuse. A parent HELPS their kids learn and understand peer pressure.
It's irrelevant when parents blame peer pressure for what their children do. The snowflake parents who always blame everyone else. Their children are perfect, and it's everyone else's fault. And it often never occurs to parents that their snowflake might be the leader, not the follower. I always cringed when I'd hear a parent blaming peer pressure or a friend for something their child did.
So, DD18 comes over to talk with Dad... hmmm... I bet she's asking formoney and he's giving it to her.
That was the first thing that crossed my mind.
The second thing was that they probably go out for fast food whenever DD#1's gas tank is on empty and they stop by the gas station on the way for DH to fill up the gas tank.
In my state, which is pretty strict on teen drinking, you have to have 3 offenses to get arrested for drinking. Maybe because the father was involved they assumed it was more of a habitual problem. I do feel for you, it's hard for teens to see a difference in themselves compared to an adult. Our society sends kids mixed messages on drinking, while we enjoy it freely on tv shows and in person, they are limited until a certain age. A lot of parents allow their kids to drink as well, giving other kids the feeling that it's ok and not that big of a deal. Not much you can do now but sit and wait it out. You've done all you can. It will pass.
The 1st daughter is just doing what young adults do, it is hard to watch but she will get through it. She may just lose a year or two but it might help her realize a solid direction after she's made some of her own mistakes. The hard part is watching them make mistakes you know about already but that's why parenting is hard. You will always feel this way, even when they are in their 30's, 40's. Best to occupy yourself with something and try not to pay to much attention until she's back on your doorstep begging for a second chance. Second chances usually turn out better than the first jump. Not many people make a successful "first jump" into society on their own. So she seems pretty normal to me.
I think the most important thing you can do is take up a hobby to relieve your own stress. View stress and anxiety in a healthy way, a call to action. Let your adult daughter fall a couple of times and realize that the age of 18 to about 25 is full of stumbles and falls. It's just like learning to walk, you have to fall. At least she is brave enough to try it. That is a good sign, better at predicting her eventual success than if she was to afraid to take a chance. It's just hard to watch so don't watch. She knows where to find you.
Aw, parents just have so much to look forward to, lol
Handling the ole hubby is probably more challenging in reality. Sounds like he watches to many movies, they always take the kid to the station in the movie, wink at the cop, and scare the kid to teach a minor lesson. To bad this is real life.
That is not the law in my states, nor some others that I am familiar with. You can get ticketed the first time, even spend a night in jail for a first offense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
That was the first thing that crossed my mind.
The second thing was that they probably go out for fast food whenever DD#1's gas tank is on empty and they stop by the gas station on the way for DH to fill up the gas tank.
What a sweet daughter.
Well, as Hopes said, it IS good that she is maintaining some sort of relationship with her dad. At some point in time, she is going to need her family's support, so if she's at least on speaking terms with them, that's a good thing.
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Not many people make a successful "first jump" into society on their own. So she seems pretty normal to me. 