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1) Counseling, so you can learn how to communicate better with your kid. Frankly, this "Yay, you've got a new Daddy!" scenario is likely the root of this extreme rebellion. Even if she likes the guy, that doesn't mean she wants him as her father and shoehorning him into that role is violating some serious boundaries. You can't force that kind of relationship. If you can, work more closely with her ACTUAL father on co-parenting her (possibly enlisting the therapist's help). This vacation daddy scenario is next to useless. And yes, your younger daughter should also be in therapy.
2) Also use the counseling to help figure out if there is something else going on in her life that may be causing these reactions. I was being terribly bullied in school when I was 15 - who knows how I would have treated a younger sibling if I'd had one?
3) Pulling her up and screaming at her just makes you look foolish in her eyes. Stop it. And don't strip her room, for God's sake - at least not without talking with a therapist. If this is bona fide depression, you will just shove her further over the edge. My mother still to this day does not know how much her punishments when I was in my deepest pits almost put me out of commission entirely - I knew where the guns and the bullets were in the house, let's just say, and it was just a matter of working up the courage to end things. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, do not send her to freakin' military school. Jesus H. Christ, that is positively asinine. I know multiple people who have been through that, and the end result was generally messy. In your daughter's case, it would be extreme overkill. However, DO figure out the hierarchy of what she values and yank stuff accordingly. Restore it when she complies. Look, the thing you learn with dogs is to reward at the slightest sign of positive behavior - so when she does something good, no matter how small, you give her back something correspondingly small. You can't make the situatoin seem hopeless - she won't even try.
4) Today's children are not demons incarnate. They do not need the crap slapped out of them. They need parents who are consistent parents and stable situations. They need clearly defined boundaries, limits and expectations. They need responsibilities, consequences and and guidance. I went to private school - the people who were the spoiled morons were the ones who faced no consequences and had no responsibilities. Their parents were self-indulgent and often absent. The kids were showered with luxuries they had done nothing to earn. It was like watching a re-enactment of the last days of the Roman Empire. Community service, a job, household responsibilities - these should all be part of your daughter's life right now.
Look, your kid works hard and does well in school. She's not working on being a burnout. She's invested in her future. She needs you to be her guide, not her adversary. What you're seeing now is what I believe is the rebellion of a girl who feels very frustrated but wants to succeed in life - she doesn't want to go off the rails, but she has all this frustration/anger/sadness to express (what teenager doesn't, really?) and the only way to do it at this point is to lash out at the people closest to her.
I thought that what many of us were advising, was loving discipline and not slapping the girl around. But certainly coddling will only enable the bad behavior
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,758,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todd00
Sometimes only dishing out punishments (negatives) make kids and adults more angry and stubborn. Does she like animals? Maybe some volunteering would do her some good, say at a good animal shelter in your area. If she starts volunteering her attitude might change some, perhaps work out a deal where she can gradually earn back her privileges. She may also learn some skills in dog grooming and volunteer work can be used when she begins looking for part time work. They even successfully use caring for animals in some prisons, such as the Madison Womens Correctional Facility and it does seem to help their attitude.
Definitely an out-of-the-box idea that happens to be very good. It can serve as a nice distraction from the situation at home for a few hours a week in an controlled environment if nothing else.
Here is a wonderful article on parenting styles and their most likely results... Sugar Bend Center
note this... Permissive Parenting Style
The permissive parenting style is noted for the parents’ tendency to want to protect their children from negative experiences. They provide a very warm supportive environment, but with limited structure and discipline. They may set limits, but not follow through with consequences. They may say “no” but ultimately give in when the child persists. They may ask their children what the family should do rather than making decisions as parents.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
“Spoiled,” “A little negotiator,” “She’s going to grow up to be lawyer,” “He constantly needs me to entertain him.” These are some of the ways permissive parents end up describing their children. Children from permissive parenting homes tend to be self centered and attention seeking. They may be bossy, controlling, demanding. Just as problematic, they are likely to be poorly prepared for disappointments life inevitably hands everyone. Thus as they grow older they are at higher risk for depression, chemical abuse, and lack of independence. On the upside, having grown up in a generous household, they may be very generous adults. However, they may expect others to be just as generous and become frustrated when this is not the case.
Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
I think it was God's plan makes our daughters cute and loveable when they are 4, 5, 6 years old so we would love and cherish them and not just plain out kill em when they hit 15 years old.
They certainly know all the buttons to push, don't they?
But the good part is they do grow up and become human again.
Poor things, all those hormones and stuff while still being children while trapped in a maturing woman's body. We dad's especially need to remember it it sucks to be 15.
We all handle these things differently and what worked for me was the heaven or hell treatment especially when she turned 16 and started to drive. Really, what can you do when they are 15, get mad and send them to their room? Gee, thanks Dad!
I endured until she started to drive and that's when she got all kinds of goodies from dad for good behavior. She got unlimited use of a new car where dad paid for everything, even having a gasoline credit card, as long as the behavior was good. When behavior wasn't so good I didn't get mad I just took all my toys away for a week but as long as behavior was good life was wonderful.
Quote:
Permissive Parenting Style
The permissive parenting style is noted for the parents’ tendency to want to protect their children from negative experiences.
I was never my kids best friend I was a lot more than that. I was her dad and through life she will have many "best friends" but only one dad.
Here is a wonderful article on parenting styles and their most likely results... Sugar Bend Center
note this... Permissive Parenting Style
The permissive parenting style is noted for the parents’ tendency to want to protect their children from negative experiences. They provide a very warm supportive environment, but with limited structure and discipline. They may set limits, but not follow through with consequences. They may say “no†but ultimately give in when the child persists. They may ask their children what the family should do rather than making decisions as parents.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
“Spoiled,†“A little negotiator,†“She’s going to grow up to be lawyer,†“He constantly needs me to entertain him.†These are some of the ways permissive parents end up describing their children. Children from permissive parenting homes tend to be self centered and attention seeking. They may be bossy, controlling, demanding. Just as problematic, they are likely to be poorly prepared for disappointments life inevitably hands everyone. Thus as they grow older they are at higher risk for depression, chemical abuse, and lack of independence. On the upside, having grown up in a generous household, they may be very generous adults. However, they may expect others to be just as generous and become frustrated when this is not the case.
This is NOT what people are advocating when they give advice that's based on mutual respect and understanding.
It constantly amazes me how many parents post here about adolescents acting out while failing to make the connection between that and the new father figure they're trying to force on their almost adult child.
Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
15 y.o. girl The little Princess is no longer fun. Play it by ear day to day. Hope they have twins just like themselves. I did go through this period and she out grew it and is caring and wonderful today. We do snicker some times when she complains about her daughters.
I'd go with the counseling. ( I have two teen daughters)
Re: your fiance...he may not be her father, but he is a human being who deserves to be treated with respect and decency and kindness. If he becomes a member of the household, he deserves to be treated the way she wants to be treated. Period.
Try to focus on the wonderful things she is doing, which is quite a lot. I would talk with her in a calm manner and let her know that this situation has gotten out of control. Say that you know she is keeping it together in school and you think that's great. But also stress that you both are miserable and things need to change at home.
Set clear boundaries and consequences that are not too harsh. I don't think you need to take everything out of her room except a bed and bedding. That's extreme.
She will test you constantly and you will have to follow through in a calm manner. ( or as calm as you can be.)
You can not control a teenager. They have to control themselves and learn how to be an adult. If you give her the responsibility for her own behavior, she may calm down. Of course there need to be consequences for her actions.
The thing is that a parent cannot "control" a person who is close to adulthood. Her daughter is 15 and her thoughts and feelings can no longer be controlled by another person. Her mother can require certain behavior but she cannot control her daughter. That ship has sailed. This child is nearly an adult.
While you cannot control another person you can control how you react to that person. That is why I suggest taking a positive stance with respect to her daughter. Even if she can't take a positive stance 100% of the time she should not allow her daughter's toxic behavior to cause her to be toxic (which affects the rest of the household even more).
I believe in discipline. I believe in parents taking the lead. But I don't believe in taking a battle and blowing it up so that the relationship between mother and daughter is forever damaged. I also think that the mother owes it to her other children to keep the entire household from being toxic.
I disagree, my Mother controlled myself and my brother until we were out of her home and on our own and she and I have a great relationship.
It is called "I grew up, matured and realized she really has always been smarter and more experienced than I am and always will be".
The toxic part of this household happened the moment this Mother allowed her daughter to win the first power battle. That taught her daughter what she had to do to continue to win the power battles and now at the age of 15 the Mother is wondering "what happened".
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,758,476 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma
I'd go with the counseling. ( I have two teen daughters)
Re: your fiance...he may not be her father, but he is a human being who deserves to be treated with respect and decency and kindness. If he becomes a member of the household, he deserves to be treated the way she wants to be treated. Period.
What you said is not really what is in dispute here. The problem is the fiance is being put into a position of an authority figure as a non-natural parent inside the home, which is a bad idea for a teenager particularly.
My mother had a serious BF during my senior year of HS. I respected him as my mother's BF and a human being but he had no call to act as an authority even though I was not on speaking terms with my father at that time. The point, it was my mother's responsibility to control me, not anyone else's.
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