Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Having four adult kids now...They forget sometimes that I am no longer the 35 year old vital and strong guy that I was back then...They can not grasp the fact that I am older now...not quite the man I used to be...and sometimes they say things that are deeply hurtful...When I was younger I would let it slide...Now I feel the hurt..and try not to show it. I am at the point in my life where I can clearly see the end...no longer am I the immortal young super man...I am old.
The positive part is that I never punished my kids...I never hit them...and after all is said and done - all I did was love and protect them...and I KNOW they love me dearly....Yes there was some turmoil in the early years...but it passed and I am proud of who the kids became... I believe my point is - give them your time and love and it will all work out- all is well that ends well as they say.
You completely clean out her room except for her bed, night stand, lamp and jammies.
Everything else is packed up and put away.
No telephone, track, friends, computer, cell phone or anything else she enjoys.
Her homework is done in front of you, you tell her one time to do something and if it is not done completely and properly, no screaming just tell her it delays the time she will be able to start having a life again.
That child would be within 2 foot of me at all times and be doing nothing but standing there glaring at me.
There would be no revolving around anything because she would have no plans and no life.
As far as the silent treatment goes, who cares, since she would have no life she has no reason to speak.
You also explain to her that this will be her life until her attitude changes drastically and if she reverts back to said attitude you start over.
No allowance either since she won't have a life outside of being within 2 foot of me she has no need for money.
What you said is not really what is in dispute here. The problem is the fiance is being put into a position of an authority figure as a non-natural parent inside the home, which is a bad idea for a teenager particularly.
My mother had a serious BF during my senior year of HS. I respected him as my mother's BF and a human being but he had no call to act as an authority even though I was not on speaking terms with my father at that time. The point, it was my mother's responsibility to control me, not anyone else's.
When I was coming up, whomever my parents left in charge had every right to tell me what to do. That's the problem with kids now a days. They don't want to listen to any adult who tries to tell them what to do I they are not their parents. And even then they barely listen to or respect their parents.
Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
1. She doesn't need to drive this young. That is recipe for disaster.
2. She needs to bag groceries at the nearest store
3. Little sister, you, your boyfriend need to stop talking to her. Ignore her. Trying to rationalize anything at this point is a lost battle. If she has such desire to learn things the hard way, then so be it. Focus on your 14 year old, and use the 15 year old to show what a bad example looks like.
4. Don't do anything else for her; she has two hands, she can do her own laundry/cook etc.
5. Don't manhandle her, it won't get anywhere.
Find a hobby, and show that you have better things to do than waste your time arguing with someone who doesn't care one bit about her own well being.
When I was coming up, whomever my parents left in charge had every right to tell me what to do. That's the problem with kids now a days. They don't want to listen to any adult who tries to tell them what to do I they are not their parents. And even then they barely listen to or respect their parents.
This is the side effect of daycares.
The movement we've been experiencing: "Employers Against American Families or EAAF", by not allowing one member to stay home and still make ends meet financially, (then STILL be able to return to work later), so at least one parent can set the rules straight, along with certain people thinking they can have a kid so they can be BFF's is what is causing this mess now. Normally children should be raised by family members until they hit school, so AT SCHOOL they concentrate on studying, and learning and not correcting bad behaviors they picked up in daycares where it is dog eat dog; There's no one on one in daycares, and nobody is busy teaching manners and common sense there. Kids are not even taught to NOT BE LOUD in a public place, let alone be respectful of others, hold the door, work their way up, and so forth....the entitlement comes from parents GUILT; "I am at work, hence I have to make up for my absence by buying expensive gifts so I look like a hero!" When in fact if you could just read them a damn book, you would score a lot more points and you'd be bringing up a well rounded, respectful adult. People really need to stop being abused by employers, and reclaim their time at home to TEACH these children common sense and manners EARLY, not at 17!
Children are like pets! IF YOU don't teach them what to do, and how to behave, and discipline them early, they will never know how to be respectful etc.
Let's see. You didn't mention drugs. She's not pregnant. She didn't call you from jail. She's not on the road with a guy named Thor working the carny circuit.
She's in school, making good grades, and will probably have a Varsity letter. (This is called being a scholar-athlete.) Most parents are totally unable to tell their 15-year old daughters what to do and how to act. Most 15-year old's are irresponsible. Most think it will never happen to them. Most have an entitlement problem. (They have this weird idea that no hard work is involved in paying for a great phone plan.)
You're involved in a major power struggle. You want it. She wants it. What happens if you actually GIVE her some? She's bullying the younger sister for the power it gives her.
I'd give her MORE power and responsibilities. I'd tell her she's in charge of doing X around the house and she gets to decide when, where, and how she does it. Right now you want her to do it your way. If you give that up you might get a huge shock when Scholar Athlete appreciates the respect given to her by being given some power. (The only place she has it is at school and on the track. Give her some at home.) Re-think what's important to you. Telling her to do something, getting it done on your terms, or finding out she can do it on her own? It's interesting she runs track. Runners take responsibility for how they train and how well they run. That takes a lot of inner discipline. Unless she running relay it's ALL on her shoulders.... and she does it. Think about that.
Excellent advice.
OP, it sounds to me like your daughter is feeling like things are totally out of control for her right now.
As noted above, she needs something that is hers. She needs to feel like she is important to the fabric of the family. Even if it is something as simple as meal planning or making breakfast on the weekends. Give her the opportunity to take responsibility for something. It can make a world of difference.
Try to focus on the wonderful things she is doing, which is quite a lot. I would talk with her in a calm manner and let her know that this situation has gotten out of control. Say that you know she is keeping it together in school and you think that's great. But also stress that you both are miserable and things need to change at home.
Set clear boundaries and consequences that are not too harsh. I don't think you need to take everything out of her room except a bed and bedding. That's extreme.
She will test you constantly and you will have to follow through in a calm manner. ( or as calm as you can be.)
You can not control a teenager. They have to control themselves and learn how to be an adult. If you give her the responsibility for her own behavior, she may calm down. Of course there need to be consequences for her actions.
I think you really hit on some good things in the first paragraph in particular - it's basically about the choice of happiness. She can choose to be miserable and lashing out at everyone around her or she can choose to be happy and all the wonderful stuff that goes with that. I WISH it hadn't taken me into my 30s to understand that - that happiness is a choice and that what you put out into the world is generally what you get back.
Right now your daughter is choosing misery and she's choosing it for the entire household. She needs to seriously consider the kind of person she is.
Um, also, when she's being relentlessly gloomy/dramatic, you might want to just be relentlessly cheerful in return. Nothing defuses over-the-top negativity so much as flat-out laughing at it. She's really banking on generating drama right now and I feel like that is something that needs to be headed off at the pass in a bigtime way. It's a form of narcissism.
I disagree, my Mother controlled myself and my brother until we were out of her home and on our own and she and I have a great relationship.
It is called "I grew up, matured and realized she really has always been smarter and more experienced than I am and always will be".
The toxic part of this household happened the moment this Mother allowed her daughter to win the first power battle. That taught her daughter what she had to do to continue to win the power battles and now at the age of 15 the Mother is wondering "what happened".
Yes Bingo you hit the nail on the head . The first time you allow a child to misbehave and talk back to you then it is over they have become pack leader so to speak .My dad had control over all of us until I left his home as well . I respected my father and knew what he went through to raise us and I loved him and we had a good relationship until he died 4 yrs ago from cancer .Guess who was there with him at the end ? that is right me and my sibs .
Yes Bingo you hit the nail on the head . The first time you allow a child to misbehave and talk back to you then it is over they have become pack leader so to speak .My dad had control over all of us until I left his home as well . I respected my father and knew what he went through to raise us and I loved him and we had a good relationship until he died 4 yrs ago from cancer .Guess who was there with him at the end ? that is right me and my sibs .
Sounds like my 5-year olds in terms of taking away everything and having no results. Asking them to do things more than once...
Instead of the silent treatment, they both just laugh.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
