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Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
I haven't read all the other responses, but perhaps a therapist would be a good idea. I have a 15 year old girl (and boy, actually) and although she also does very well at school, she pulls a lot of attitude and we have problems with her and her twin and her little sister. The sense of entitlement is so irritating...part of it is being around other 15 year old girls, some of whom have more possessions that my daughter...we have her seeing a therapist once a month. They do a lot of chatting, development of self esteem, ways to deal with conflict, that sort of thing. Girls can be so MEAN. It has been helpful. Well, it helps for like a week, but at least that is something.
I am extra sensitive about potential mental issues since I have my own, so I recognize some traits in my daughter that are warning signs...we figured therapy couldn't hurt, and it has done her some good.
Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
Don't let her make you miserable. If she chooses to be miserable let her be miserable. You don't have to go along for the ride.
You are her parent and I can tell that you care about her. If she is reckless then she can't drive. There should not be a set time limit for keeping her from driving. Tell her, calmly and without yelling, that she will be able to drive again when you feel she is ready for driving. No matter how much she yells or screams do not yell back. If you don't think she is sufficiently cautious you simply cannot let her drive.
Do not scream. I would try to set up some positive consequences for complying with your requests for BOTH of your daughters. Tell them they will get something positive (small amounts of money, makeup, privileges, something they like) for complying with your requests. And then stick to it without yelling.
Most of all you have to turn the negatives into positives. If she is being positively horrible you won't make the situation any better by yelling. You just make yourself miserable.
I hope you know you are not alone. Many teens go through phases where they do not behave.
Sounds like something you should have nip in the bud long time ago when you first started noticing this behavior.
Just got back from my brother's house where I watched my niece and nephew for three days. Both are self-centered which I attribute to being in their teens. O.k. fine.
However, the boy is particular rude.
Not bothering to even say good morning or good-by. Yet, when my mother complains I tell her it's to be expected.
The boy was rude and disrespectful as a child and his parents particularly his mother let him get away with it.
Now, he's 15 and treats us like hired-help.
I really don't care but it bothers my mother a lot.
Look at it this way, if her Mother does not gain complete control over this child and her attitude and behavior now, she could be your Daughter In Law someday and have the very same attitude.
Now wouldn't that be the neatest thing ever to deal with?
The thing is that a parent cannot "control" a person who is close to adulthood. Her daughter is 15 and her thoughts and feelings can no longer be controlled by another person. Her mother can require certain behavior but she cannot control her daughter. That ship has sailed. This child is nearly an adult.
While you cannot control another person you can control how you react to that person. That is why I suggest taking a positive stance with respect to her daughter. Even if she can't take a positive stance 100% of the time she should not allow her daughter's toxic behavior to cause her to be toxic (which affects the rest of the household even more).
I believe in discipline. I believe in parents taking the lead. But I don't believe in taking a battle and blowing it up so that the relationship between mother and daughter is forever damaged. I also think that the mother owes it to her other children to keep the entire household from being toxic.
Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????
How long have you been divorced? How old was she when Dad left? Are you planning a wedding? Does your boyfriend live with you?
Who's "we"? If your boyfriend is not married to you yet, what role does he play in all this, as far as discipline goes?
Does he scream at her and pull and push her too when she doesn't do stuff? Did he help you take away all her stuff?
"I do not love her because she is good....I love her because she is my little child".....The kid might just be naturally aggressive or a bit of a prick...Tell her that you love her no matter what...even if she is badly behaved...be patient...she will slowly become more civilized....you mention "control"....it could be that she learned to be controlling from you?
I have a 17 year old daughter, and I know exactly what you're going through. Here are my words of wisdom.
1)Please have your child evaluated for depression. It was a factor for us.
2)Take control of the situation. It seems like in today's parenting world we are told, "Oh it's normal, just ignore it and it will get better, blah blah," but I disagree. I think children need to be taught that disrespect will NOT be tolerated. There need to be consequences for poor behavior. In my daughter's case it just escalated...till it became an all out war. I wish that I had nipped it in the bud sooner. I think she "got away" with it for so long, that it just became normal. And then the ante was "upped". I'm lucky that I have a partner who can help me deal with this, because I can't even imagine trying to do it on my own. It really is a two person job!
3)Counseling. Don't wait. The whole family needs it.
I do think that in today's society we give children too much freedom. I would never have disrespected my parents, because they would have slapped the crap out of me on the spot. Today's kids are spoiled and rude. They get away with murder, because they know there are rarely any real consequences for their behavior. Find out what your child "values" and use it to your advantage. For our daughter it was her electronics (including her cell phone) and being grounded from seeing friends. Every teen has a currency. Make them EARN it. Don't inadvertently reward kids for poor behavior by giving them allowances and priveleges when they have not earned them.
I have 4 children, and my oldest has been the hardest to raise. Personality is a huge factor in this kind of behavior IMHO. We need to teach teens that we have feelings, too, and we will not put up with being mistreated (especially when insults are followed by, "Can you give me XYZ?" Um, NO!) You want something from me, you WILL treat me kindly and with respect.
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