How hard is it on an 11 year old for their Dad to move away? (custody, teenage)
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Hi all. I have found myself in a pickle and it's on my mind constantly. I had a daughter with someone that it didn't work out with, in a place I transplanted to for work. I'm still in the same city, but have since married and have a 2 y.o. daughter with my wife. I live in a high cost of living area with long commute times.
5 years ago, (we were already split) I told the 11 year olds mother we should (separately) move closer to her family so the kiddo can be by them, since I have no family in this place. I was/am willing to commute everyday to raise the quality of my daughters life, so she can be close to her immediate family. We have 50/50 custody.
Fast forward 5 years, and I admittedly didn't think about this pre-marriage, but things have of course changed. I have my wife and 2 year old to think about, and we don't live in an area we really want to, and I am commuting a long distance for all this. She also does not have any family around us. We are also not homeowners, and possibly won't be here due to the high cost of living. Our neighborhood is safe, clean, schools are average and all that, but I'm not 100% happy either. It is on our radar to move to a smaller city with lower cost of living, better schools, etc. Long story short, income is also a potential issue, if I were to lose my decent job in this high COL area, finding an equal one around here is tough. Lower income in this high cost of living area would not be good for the quality of life for my household.
So it boils down to providing for my wife and 2 y.o., who only have me, and also being here for my 11 y.o. I'm trying very hard to hold it all together, but if we did have to move away so I could find employment, I just wonder what it would do to my 11 y.o. She is resilient and get's straight A's, but she's a girl and emotional too. I provide a good life for her. Her mother would not let me take her, that's not an option.
Best case, Phoenix, 5 hours. Farthest, east coast.
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Children only appear to be resilient.
This is why I'm asking, hoping for some first hand accounts.
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You can't leave her twice.
That's inhumane.
I haven't left her in any way, she was 2 when her mother and I broke up, so she never really knew us together. I am actively involved in her life very much.
My main struggle is balancing a "separated" child, with a wife and "full time" child. I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows. I am strongly attached to my 11 y.o. as well. This is not an easy situation.
there are always planes and internet , phone calls my goodness did you not think about this before . I think you owe it to her mother to stay around her for at least another 7 years your other daughter will be 9 then and then you can think about moving away . Your first child will be 18 then and ready for her own life .
My main struggle is balancing a "separated" child, with a wife and "full time" child. I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows. I am strongly attached to my 11 y.o. as well. This is not an easy situation.
Just wanted to point out that your daughter didn't get a say in anything and your distinction between your two children is at best sad and at worst .
I'm speaking at a single woman with no kids who frequently dates single fathers and who grew up very close with her father.
Your current wife knew the score when she married you, so I'm not really feeling sad for her. And you're not in the optimal situation for you both to be 100% happy. Um, no offense, but "big whoop." I wasn't 100% happy where I was either, so I moved across the country. Of course, I don't have kids and am only responsible to myself - that's a choice I made for very specific reasons. I get to follow my bliss. You on the other hand need to do what's best for your kids.
Your daughter will be an adult in 7 years. And your current environment is apparently just fine for kids, so your other kid is gonna be fine. You're just not gonna be as financially comfortable. You and your wife really can't wait 7 years to relocate?
I try to imagine what it would have been like if my father had moved away when I was your daughter's age, and honestly, I can't. He was my rock during high school. He's not a great person, which is the funny part. But I needed him around, and he was always there for me. He's 83 now, and still one of the people I'm closest to.
I'm trying to picture how your daughter will feel if you pick up and move because you're just not happy living near her and you can make more money elsewhere, so you pick up with your new family and go elsewhere. But, oh, she can visit -isn't that great?
No matter how you slice it, and no matter how intelligent she is, she's going to feel like you "chose" your current family over her.
You can still be a part of her life through Skype, emails, texts, etc. -- but as she hits the teenage years, it's going to get rough and she may reject you as you appear to have rejected her.
I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows.
I really REALLY hope your current wife was not the one who told you this.
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