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So you think that God thinks you should leave your 11 y.o. behind to make your current wife happy?
yeah....not thinking that is the intent of what you think you are reading.
What did the Bible have to say about the relationship that didn't work out that resulted in the 11 y.o. child? Is that really the road you want to go down?
And I have to say I am not getting the posters who are blaming the current wife either - and treating the OP as an easily influenced dufus who can't make a decision. This is a grown man with 4 kids, a job etc. While I agree that he should have chosen a wife that was willing to care for and about his existing children. If he did not (and I have no idea), it's ultimately HIS responsibility to do it - and to accept the burden of the responsibility without looking elsewhere to place the blame. Blaming it on this wife isn't any better than him blaming his ex for the current circumstances.
You can't if you want the relationship to remain like it is. All your little girl will see is that Daddy now puts her second over his new family. She isn't going to understand that you want your new child and wife to be close to her family. While it sucks it's just best you tough it out for 6-7 years until she hits 18.
Shut up and struggle and stay in physical proximity to all your children until they are grown. I can't make it any simpler. You made them, you grow them. When everyone is 18 you can worry about your convenience. By the way, your new wife is a horror if she is advocating abandonment of your existing daughter, who she knew about from the start. If she is suggesting you stay, props to her.
I married a man with an 11 year old and moved across country becuase that's where he lived. And where my step son lives. I have 2 kids now of my own but at the end of it all, I chose to marry a man with a child. His first obligation is to me, of course, my my first obligation is to recognize the situation I chose and it's limitations.
You will never be "involved" living 5 hours away. Never. And she needs you now more than ever.
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Originally Posted by 909er
My main struggle is balancing a "separated" child, with a wife and "full time" child. I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows. I am strongly attached to my 11 y.o. as well. This is not an easy situation.
(11 yo)has all her family out here, including her mother, etc. My wife and I have none.
"All her family" includes you. If you leave, that will no longer be the case. An aunt or uncle here and there do not replace a father.
I'm not voluntarily leaving
Not yet. But that is indeed what it sounds like you are looking to do. Involuntarily leaving looks like this: " My company closed it's doors. There are no other viable jobs in this town, even if I downgrade a bit and budget tighter. I've been offered a job and will take the one closest in order to fulfill my parental obligations and so that I can be as involved as possible in my daughter's life. I feel awful about it."
Involunarily leaving looks like this: "I'm tired of my job, it may eventually go away. I hate my commute. I'd prefer to live somewhere else."
My wife and I have none. Not true. You have this 11 y.o.
Your child is part of your family. She is.
I have to tell them, that because Sister lives here and her mother is inflexible on her moving, that we are stuck until she is 18?
You don't have to tell them that. I don't know why you don't just tell them the truth?
"Your sister lives here - she is part of our family and it would not be fair to her or to us to move away from her right now. It would make me sad. Just like it would make me sad to move away from you. I couldn't bear it."
Why the blame on your ex or worse, on the child for existing and making you "stuck". At some point the 2 yo will wonder if you feel "stuck" with her/him as well.
The fact is you do have a job - a good one from the sounds of it. Nothing in life is guaranteed so I don't know why you keep bringing that up as a reason to move away from your child.
Hi all. I have found myself in a pickle and it's on my mind constantly. I had a daughter with someone that it didn't work out with, in a place I transplanted to for work. I'm still in the same city, but have since married and have a 2 y.o. daughter with my wife. I live in a high cost of living area with long commute times.
5 years ago, (we were already split) I told the 11 year olds mother we should (separately) move closer to her family so the kiddo can be by them, since I have no family in this place. I was/am willing to commute everyday to raise the quality of my daughters life, so she can be close to her immediate family. We have 50/50 custody.
Fast forward 5 years, and I admittedly didn't think about this pre-marriage, but things have of course changed. I have my wife and 2 year old to think about, and we don't live in an area we really want to, and I am commuting a long distance for all this. She also does not have any family around us. We are also not homeowners, and possibly won't be here due to the high cost of living. Our neighborhood is safe, clean, schools are average and all that, but I'm not 100% happy either. It is on our radar to move to a smaller city with lower cost of living, better schools, etc. Long story short, income is also a potential issue, if I were to lose my decent job in this high COL area, finding an equal one around here is tough. Lower income in this high cost of living area would not be good for the quality of life for my household.
So it boils down to providing for my wife and 2 y.o., who only have me, and also being here for my 11 y.o. I'm trying very hard to hold it all together, but if we did have to move away so I could find employment, I just wonder what it would do to my 11 y.o. She is resilient and get's straight A's, but she's a girl and emotional too. I provide a good life for her. Her mother would not let me take her, that's not an option.
Anyone have any input on this? Thanks
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Originally Posted by 909er
Hi all.
Hi!
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Originally Posted by 909er
I have found myself in a pickle and it's on my mind constantly.
Can I eat the pickle?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er
I had a daughter with someone that it didn't work out with, in a place I transplanted to for work. I'm still in the same city, but have since married and have a 2 y.o. daughter with my wife. I live in a high cost of living area with long commute times.
Please explain why this nice job and expensive apartment is necessary. Isn't your daughter more important?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er
Long story short, income is also a potential issue, if I were to lose my decent job in this high COL area, finding an equal one around here is tough. Lower income in this high cost of living area would not be good for the quality of life for my household.
Can't you just change careers and move to another neighborhood already? Your children care about you. Your children do not care about your fancy things!
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Originally Posted by 909er
So it boils down to providing for my wife and 2 y.o., who only have me, and also being here for my 11 y.o.
Perhaps your new wife should get a job as soon as possible?
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Originally Posted by 909er
but if we did have to move away so I could find employment,
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Originally Posted by 909er
Her mother would not let me take her, that's not an option.
It never will be. Because the women own the children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er
I told the 11 year olds mother we should (separately) move closer to her family so the kiddo can be by them, since I have no family in this place. I was/am willing to commute everyday to raise the quality of my daughters life, so she can be close to her immediate family.
You wanted to move closer to your ex wife's family?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er
Fast forward 5 years, and I admittedly didn't think about this pre-marriage, but things have of course changed. I have my wife and 2 year old to think about, and we don't live in an area we really want to, and I am commuting a long distance for all this. She also does not have any family around us.
You have no family in the area? and your current wife does not either?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er
Anyone have any input on this? Thanks
Be there for your daughter. She needs you even if she acts "resilient". Wait for your ex-wife to move away, and then... do what ever you want.
I'm approaching middle age and am much more worried about homeownership and retirement than I was in younger years.
I don't actively want to leave anybody, but I do want to live the best life possible.
So buy a house where you live now. If your area is high priced buy a modest house and it will no doubt appreciate in value and you can sell in another seven or eight years. Plan your retirement the same way anyone plans, there's no need to stay where you are when your kids are older and you're ready to actually retire.
Do you really want to "live the best life possible" and, also possible, ruin your daughter's life? Go back and read post #59 again - I think it says a lot about the situation and what conversation you don't want to have.
I speak as a divorced father of two girls, the older was 11 at the time; they both suffered and I was only fifteen minutes away and saw them weekly.
I would go. If your ex wanted to keep an intact family for your child, you guys would still be together. You shouldn't be bound to be unhappy. It's not 1910, we have planes, trains, automobiles etc
Here is what you do, you move where your family needs to move. Although you have a daughter in SoCal, you also have a new family to think about. Again, if your ex wanted her daughter to have both parents in her life full time she would have made it work between you too. You have a responsibility to your new kid and your new wife before your old family. Move wherever you have to move, and then fly down every month/6 weeks/2months and get a hotel and spend the weekend with your daughter. Take her to Disneyland or whatever. Also renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get holidays and summers. It won't be that bad if you go see Her every 6 weeks, and spend Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas and summer vacation with her.
Your responsibility comes first to your new family. If your ex doesn't want to renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get summers and holidays..it is out of your hands and you needn't feel guilty because obviously your ex doesn't care too much.
You have a new family, a fresh start. Worst case scenario, move on from the 11 year old. She will survive but you have a new wife and kid and a new life that she is not required to be a part of. Blame her mother for that because if you guys were still together then your daughter wouldn't be old news, now she is. Your priority is to your real family. Your wife and the child you have with your wife.
I would go. If your ex wanted to keep an intact family for your child, you guys would still be together.You shouldn't be bound to be unhappy. It's not 1910, we have planes, trains, automobiles etc
Here is what you do, you move where your family needs to move. Although you have a daughter in SoCal, you also have a new family to think about. Again, if your ex wanted her daughter to have both parents in her life full time she would have made it work between you too. You have a responsibility to your new kid and your new wife before your old family. Move wherever you have to move, and then fly down every month/6 weeks/2months and get a hotel and spend the weekend with your daughter. Take her to Disneyland or whatever. Also renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get holidays and summers. It won't be that bad if you go see Her every 6 weeks, and spend Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas and summer vacation with her.
Your responsibility comes first to your new family. If your ex doesn't want to renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get summers and holidays..it is out of your hands and you needn't feel guilty because obviously your ex doesn't care too much.
You have a new family, a fresh start. Worst case scenario, move on from the 11 year old. She will survive but you have a new wife and kid and a new life that she is not required to be a part of. Blame her mother for that because if you guys were still together then your daughter wouldn't be old news, now she is. Your priority is to your real family. Your wife and the child you have with your wife.
OMG.
I love how you just assume it was the ex's fault that they're no longer together.
I am not even going to waste my time commenting on all the other bizarre points of your post. I've just bolded them - while I doubt you will understand why, I'm sure most others will understand perfectly what I'm so aghast about.
It's unusual - but I'm actually speechless. Please tell me your post is a joke.
I would go. If your ex wanted to keep an intact family for your child, you guys would still be together. You shouldn't be bound to be unhappy. It's not 1910, we have planes, trains, automobiles etc
Here is what you do, you move where your family needs to move. Although you have a daughter in SoCal, you also have a new family to think about. Again, if your ex wanted her daughter to have both parents in her life full time she would have made it work between you too. You have a responsibility to your new kid and your new wife before your old family. Move wherever you have to move, and then fly down every month/6 weeks/2months and get a hotel and spend the weekend with your daughter. Take her to Disneyland or whatever. Also renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get holidays and summers. It won't be that bad if you go see Her every 6 weeks, and spend Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas and summer vacation with her.
Your responsibility comes first to your new family. If your ex doesn't want to renegotiate the custodial agreement so you get summers and holidays..it is out of your hands and you needn't feel guilty because obviously your ex doesn't care too much.
You have a new family, a fresh start. Worst case scenario, move on from the 11 year old. She will survive but you have a new wife and kid and a new life that she is not required to be a part of. Blame her mother for that because if you guys were still together then your daughter wouldn't be old news, now she is. Your priority is to your real family. Your wife and the child you have with your wife.
Just no. I hope this was just sarcasm.
There is a real issue with the job situation. You may have to follow the job to survive. If not, you probably need to suck it up for a few more years.
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I Tried To Give Advice:
Isn't your daughter more important?
