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When my ex husband and I got a divorce, he moved an hour away...then three hours away...then five hours away...and by that time he basically never visited his kids. The kids were so eager for their dad's attention that I voluntarily drove them all the way to his house or at least half way (even though he was the one who moved). I learned pretty quickly that if we agreed to meet him half way, he would leave us waiting at a convenience store or restaurant for at least an hour, sometimes two or three hours. So I figured out that it was best to just take them all the way to his house.
I also figured out that the best option was to be the one DELIVERING them to his house, because if they counted on him to come pick them up, he would either be hours late - or he'd come up with an excuse as to why it wouldn't work this weekend.
But he always managed to return them on time - or early. Interesting how his clocks only worked one way - "How can I spend as little time as possible with my kids?"
Actually, his intention was to inconvenience me, but it was the kids who really ended up suffering.
Every time he moved, he had some sort of excuse, but the bottom line was that visitation is inconvenient when you move several hours, or several states away, and because of the travel and different school districts, etc. one kid OR THE OTHER is going to be inconvenienced or short changed. The "old kids" get much less time and nurturing, and the "new kids" get many of their weekends and holidays jacked around with because of travel, missed events, etc. The new spouse often begins to resent this extra time and energy that is being siphoned from "her family" and bestowed on the "other family." NO ONE WINS. And that's why the parent of the "first kids" often simply begins to justify fewer and fewer visitations and holidays, and then the phone calls start to dwindle...and naturally, the child takes this as personal rejection and begins to feel that they are not worth much - that THEY are an inconvenience, when the reality is that the PARENT(s) created this false dilemma by choosing to put distance between them and their precious child, who yearns for their love and attention.
It seems you are a really good dad. We all make decisions that have long term ramifications. I get that you want to get your life on with the wife and kid but you do have another child and your wife presumably knew before you got married.
My advice: stick it out until your daughter goes to college. She enters very crucial years for her development. Save a great down payment meanwhile. Good things will happen to you! Tell the wife to be patient and that you love her! When you are old you'll be proud of yourself despite struggles and challenges :-)
Last edited by RegineCrespon; 04-10-2015 at 08:04 AM..
Uh, because you wrote the post I disagree with and replied to, specifically the bolded part. Are you now disowning that post?
Never mind - you have your own agenda.
IF this were a situation where there was a job transfer and the OP needs to work - I get it. But just to move - well, kinda because we might want to . .
NO, I don't get it. I don't get people that leave one kid behind because they now have a new and improved family.
Its the same for both. I feel parents that abandon their children in such a manner as missing a gene or have a disorder.
The courts in our area permit custodial mothers to move all the time .... we had one where Mom moved a sizable distance, and visiting Dad just got told he could always have his 2 weeks during the summer.
I doubt any court is going to tell the OP he can't move.
This "seniority" stuff should apply to everyone, shouldn't it? All you folks with more than one child and in intact families, is the oldest entitled to "seniority?"
A neighbor is married to a man whose ex sounds like this, always claiming her kid has "seniority". Her kid is now 23 years old, and mean old Dad is not inclined to pay for his graduate school.
I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you even bringing up in tact families? But OK. YES, the same rules apply. You don't move away and leave your first born at age 11 because you'd PREFER to be with the other ones.
And I never said anything about a court restricting the OP from moving.
I was responding to a member who resented her father's daughter from a former relationship and her mother. And claimed he lived in fear of "the court".
YES. If you have a child - SHE should be your FIRST PRIORITY before spreading your seed further and coming up with excuses why the FIRST ONE should be ABANDONED.
And in the very least, the scale of child support payments in each state will ensure that at least you are reminded of your very very very very BASIC and unrealistically CHEAP financial responsibilities.
You can't legislate parental responsibility or COMPASSION.
This thread has NOTHING to do with paying for grad school. OR paying for anything, actually.
It's about people being MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY WIRED WRONG that leaving their kid is perfectly normal.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 04-10-2015 at 08:19 AM..
I saw that, but is there a move away clause in the original agreement?
If it is so important for the eleven year old to have a father in her life perhaps she ought to live with him full time.
I see a theme here.
Moms are bad.
There's a very effective way to combat that. Don't create any.
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