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Yes, you were right. I had a friend who allowed her daughter and her boyfriend to be alone in the bedroom. The daughter became pregnant. Everyone does realize that the only sure way to avoid a baby is not to have sex, right? So, they were only 16 years old. The daughter had the baby. The boy's parents were upset that my friend allowed the kids to sleep together at their house. So, the friend let the boy move in. So now, 2 babies................
Even as an adult, I was uncomfortable at the thought of visiting and having sex with my husband in my parent's house.
I really don't know what has happened to society. Yes, safe sex but still there are chances of STDs and pregnancy. We are talking about children. I would have my son get a part-time job and outside activities other than sex. Seriously, this "sex" thing is out of control anymore. People used to be able to restrain themselves until appropriate times and places. Ugh!
We consider them children now but in years past people married at 17 or 18. They didn't have to work that hard to "show restraint" because they married at extraordinarily young ages. 17 year olds were having sex years ago. The only real difference is that we have realized that marriage at such a young age is unwise.
As far as your friend's children, did your friend ever consider equipping her daughter for adulthood by teaching her about birth control? EVERYONE eventually has sex whether they are 16 or 30 when it happens. It is a parent's job to equip their children for the adult world and your friend should have had her child prepared for sex.
Most people have sex before they are married. The vast majority of them manage to defer pregnancy until they are ready for a baby.
I don't think we were unusual in how it was handled in our house.
When the kids were teenagers it was always clear that any boyfriends or girlfriends were not allowed upstairs in the bedrooms with the doors shut. We didn't make a big deal of it, neither did they.
When the first serious boyfriends/girlfriends arrived on the scene during the college days, whenever they happened to stay at the house it was always in separate bedrooms, with the visitor in the guest bedroom. Once again we didn't make a big deal of it, neither did they. Not until there was a wedding ring on the fingers did they share the same bedroom.
Most of our friends had the same rules, or mutual understanding if you prefer, for their children too. None of us were pretending that our children were not sexually active until marriage, but these rules did make things easier and avoided what would certainly be awkward situations.
Its not a question of allowing or not, you can't stop teens having sex short of locking them up and anyway, my daughter's body belongs to her so it is her choice when she decides to have sex and I would rather it would occur in a safe environment like my home than in the back seat of a car or at a drunken party.
I plan on talking openly with her about sex as she grows up - the good sides and the bad, and especially about birth control and condoms and the importance of them.
Attitudes towards teen sex are much more relaxed over here and still we have less teen pregnancies, less teen abortions, less STIs.
I disagree, you can respect your parents but not do everything that they want. I respect mine, but what have ignored that rule if they required it. You are also assuming they have earned it. I know parents who haven't earned any respect whatsoever.
That is really a generational attitude, which is very interesting by the way. My wife and I are in our late 40's, and my father in law was a decorated WW2 officer and a retired Professor of computer science and mathematics, mom was a full time stay at home. They were awesome parents and treated me like a son, so yeah- they earned their dues. They are both born from the Traditional generation. We are generation X'ers, but were influenced by their standards. However I do show respect for those that are older than me in most cases.
It's actually very interesting to read about how respect is viewed by the various generations. We now have 5 different generations working together in some cases. It's very interesting.
By the way my father was an atheist and at the time I was not affiliated to a religion either.
The situation definitely brings with it the possibility for hypocrisy, because no one wants to give their teen the go-ahead to have sex in the house any time they want, but telling them they can't won't stop the sex. It just moves it elsewhere, like the back seat of the car or a blanket in the woods, or a friends house, or just about anywhere two teens can get horizontal.
But if you "allow" the sex, where do you draw the line? Is once a day too much? How about 3 times a day? What will you do when it escalates to the headboard banging on the wall, or little noises start becoming audible in the hall? How are you going to feel every time that sweet little girl comes in, runs straight up the stairs and slams the bedroom door?
And what about siblings.....no way you are gonna get that horse back in the barn once you've demonstrated that you allowed the brother to do it, so surely it's ok for the rest of the kids.
NO. Be an adult. Sit your son down and give him the man talk about responsibility, his future, pregnancy STDs and all the rest. And maybe talk to the girl, just the two of you. Give her the same talk. Maybe even talk to her parents..."Since the kids are having sex now, I thought maybe we need to talk about it. I'm not ready to be a grandparent yet, are you?" None of this will probably stop the sex, but at least you've done what you can to counsel the kids so they can be smart.
The situation definitely brings with it the possibility for hypocrisy, because no one wants to give their teen the go-ahead to have sex in the house any time they want, but telling them they can't won't stop the sex. It just moves it elsewhere, like the back seat of the car or a blanket in the woods, or a friends house, or just about anywhere two teens can get horizontal.
I agree 100%
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But if you "allow" the sex, where do you draw the line? Is once a day too much? How about 3 times a day? What will you do when it escalates to the headboard banging on the wall, or little noises start becoming audible in the hall? How are you going to feel every time that sweet little girl comes in, runs straight up the stairs and slams the bedroom door?
Who cares as long as they are using protection?
The only thing I would mention here is, they need to not be rude about it. If she just comes in, does not say hi, gets the "D" and leaves, that's rude. She needs to be polite.
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And what about siblings.....no way you are gonna get that horse back in the barn once you've demonstrated that you allowed the brother to do it, so surely it's ok for the rest of the kids.
You would be surprised what the kids do and learn, and at what age they learn it... it's not the 50's anymore
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NO. Be an adult. Sit your son down and give him the man talk about responsibility, his future, pregnancy STDs and all the rest. And maybe talk to the girl, just the two of you. Give her the same talk. Maybe even talk to her parents..."Since the kids are having sex now, I thought maybe we need to talk about it. I'm not ready to be a grandparent yet, are you?" None of this will probably stop the sex, but at least you've done what you can to counsel the kids so they can be smart.
Again, as long as they are being safe, use protection, etc... I don't care.
I would rather them banging their brains out in the room next door than out getting drunk or high and driving around doing stupid stuff...
I actually disagree with this advice. You never know the type of relationship a child has with their parents or their stance on this. You might be creating a lot of unneeded stress and turmoil in that kids life.
The parents who are allowing this is creating the turmoil. No way as a responsible adult, that I would knowingly let and approve of my son having sex with somebody's daughter under my roof, no way. If this child get pregnant and under my roof, now that's when the real turmoil starts. These are children and can we really trust kids this age to be totally responsible all the time. What if, in the heat of passion he doesn't have a condom, will they make the right decision. I wouldn't want her parents knocking on my door, that wont be a pretty scene.
The parents who are allowing this is creating the turmoil. No way as a responsible adult, that I would knowingly let and approve of my son having sex with somebody's daughter under my roof, no way. If this child get pregnant and under my roof, now that's when the real turmoil starts. These are children and can we really trust kids this age to be totally responsible all the time. What if, in the heat of passion he doesn't have a condom, will they make the right decision. I wouldn't want her parents knocking on my door, that wont be a pretty scene.
I didn't say you should. You can inform them that you don't approve and that it won't be happening under your roof.
Has your friend discussed this with the parents of her son's GF?
Frankly, I know that at least some parents would go to the police or CPS and try to get the mother charged with a crime (possibly contributing to the delinquency of a minor or something).
The OP did not mention the age of the girl, she may not be "age of consent" as many people are assuming. And, laws vary from state to state regarding both the actions of the parent and of her son.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
At the minimum, many/some parents would be extremely pissed off if they found out that the other parent was allowing their daughter to openly have sex at her house with her son.
I know that when my relative found out that her 15 year old son had gotten his new GF (they had just started dating) pregnant and that her mom had given them permission to have sex in her house, she and her husband were irate, especially when the girl's mom insisted that the teens drop out of HS and get married immediately. BTW, the boy was only a sophomore in HS but took responsibility and started working full time plus overtime to support his new family. But, it obviously caused many, many problems. (I posted about it earlier in the thread).
I was thinking more about my responses where I felt that it was wrong for a parent to give tacit permission for someone else's child to have sex (since, obviously, the girl friend is not her child) and the boy's parents should talk withe the girl's parents.
If the teenage boy feels that he and his GF are old enough to sex perhaps he should "man up" and he should openly talk to his GF's parents about it. What? He is embarrassed to tell them that he is having sex with their daughter at his house? Then maybe he is not as grown up as he thinks that he is.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-16-2015 at 09:42 AM..
The situation definitely brings with it the possibility for hypocrisy, because no one wants to give their teen the go-ahead to have sex in the house any time they want, but telling them they can't won't stop the sex. It just moves it elsewhere, like the back seat of the car or a blanket in the woods, or a friends house, or just about anywhere two teens can get horizontal.
But if you "allow" the sex, where do you draw the line? Is once a day too much? How about 3 times a day? What will you do when it escalates to the headboard banging on the wall, or little noises start becoming audible in the hall? How are you going to feel every time that sweet little girl comes in, runs straight up the stairs and slams the bedroom door?
And what about siblings.....no way you are gonna get that horse back in the barn once you've demonstrated that you allowed the brother to do it, so surely it's ok for the rest of the kids.
NO. Be an adult. Sit your son down and give him the man talk about responsibility, his future, pregnancy STDs and all the rest. And maybe talk to the girl, just the two of you. Give her the same talk. Maybe even talk to her parents..."Since the kids are having sex now, I thought maybe we need to talk about it. I'm not ready to be a grandparent yet, are you?" None of this will probably stop the sex, but at least you've done what you can to counsel the kids so they can be smart.
I think it's more that they don't believe it's right they play a part in it than anything. I don't think most parents exercising that belief are naive enough think that it will stop their child from having sex.
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