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Thank you to everyone for taking the time to provide guidance and advice. There is a lot of solid feedback and I am listening. There was a good bit of talk about homework and radio. To better clarify...she probably has easily 25+ hrs a week of homework. She's all honors and all A's. We have a hour plus drive home everyday. My comment was more around her nasty approach not her actual request.
To the responder that spoke to her OCD - I really needed to hear everything you said. You obviously have first hand knowledge. Because her OCD is in her head, I don't see it and therefore don't stop to think about her struggle. Not to make excuses for her but it part of her reality.
We are all doing our best as parents and I do appreciate this forum to talk through some issues.
Actually, having raised two daughters, one of whom sounds very much like the OP's daughter, it's my experience that kids treat their parents worse than anyone else. A kid who wouldn't dream of throwing a gift at her boyfriend might throw one at her mom. The kid who might "suffer in silence" with a college roommate who plays loud music that is not her taste might yell at the mom about music in the car. We had a policy that the driver gets to choose the music, once the kids got older, of course. If they asked me nicely, I'd put on something they liked as well if I were driving.
You may think it's all you, but you just got lucky.
Because we all know boys are "easier", boys are "better", boys are this, that, the other. /s You got lucky, too.
Excuse me! Who said anything about boys being easier, better etc. Just asinine. Boys/girls etc. Kids need to learn respect. No matter what type of day they are having, it's no excuse to disrespect your parents. My mom is 85 and I dear not talk too loud. It has nothing to do with luck. If your kids are throwing things at you and they don't have a mental disorder, or some deep seeded issue, then you're being a friend not a parent.
Except for your daughters attitude, which is mostly your fault for allowing her to act that way, everything else seems pretty typical. Too late now but you should've done some spanking in her younger years.
SS
This.
Big time. This type of behavior was never allowed in my childhood or teen years. I can't even imagine trying this on my mother.
My mother was not my friend. My mother was my mother. Certain things were expected and they happened or else there were consequences.
We learned at an early age to do what we were told and this included being respectful of our elders, keeping our rooms clean, doing chores etc.
As we got older if was expected we did our very best in school or sports. If you got terrible grades or could not hit a baseball the reason better not be you were not trying. If you gave it your best and failed, well okay, you tried.
Always do your best.
The idea of telling my mother we didn't want to eat what she cooked is astonishing. In our teen years my sister and me had one night a week where we cooked for the family.
We had so many chores and responsibilities in our teen years that we never looked for the snow flake treatment I am reading about on the thread.
We were also taught to respect people - all people - and be considerate of others. I don't see that at all here.
These people are going to be a nightmare to deal with when they are adults.
Actually, having raised two daughters, one of whom sounds very much like the OP's daughter, it's my experience that kids treat their parents worse than anyone else. A kid who wouldn't dream of throwing a gift at her boyfriend might throw one at her mom. The kid who might "suffer in silence" with a college roommate who plays loud music that is not her taste might yell at the mom about music in the car. We had a policy that the driver gets to choose the music, once the kids got older, of course. If they asked me nicely, I'd put on something they liked as well if I were driving.
You may think it's all you, but you just got lucky.
Because we all know boys are "easier", boys are "better", boys are this, that, the other. /s You got lucky, too.
I thought I was the only one that noticed the misogyny in some posts.
I want to say the OP sounds slightly misogynist too.
I notice she does not emphasize the daughter's mental issue like she does the son.
Yes some posters,eating disabilities are mental disorders. I believe it is more serious than ADD.
The teen girl also has anxiety issues.
Big time. This type of behavior was never allowed in my childhood or teen years. I can't even imagine trying this on my mother.
My mother was not my friend. My mother was my mother. Certain things were expected and they happened or else there were consequences.
We learned at an early age to do what we were told and this included being respectful of our elders, keeping our rooms clean, doing chores etc.
As we got older if was expected we did our very best in school or sports. If you got terrible grades or could not hit a baseball the reason better not be you were not trying. If you gave it your best and failed, well okay, you tried.
Always do your best.
The idea of telling my mother we didn't want to eat what she cooked is astonishing. In our teen years my sister and me had one night a week where we cooked for the family.
We had so many chores and responsibilities in our teen years that we never looked for the snow flake treatment I am reading about on the thread.
We were also taught to respect people - all people - and be considerate of others. I don't see that at all here.
These people are going to be a nightmare to deal with when they are adults.
Did you have brothers? Did they have to cook one night a week?
I also have a son with disabilities. ADHD, tourettes, OCD & ODD.
Part of what you are going through as a parent of teens is being able to know what behaviors are "normal" and what behaviors are related to their disabilities. It is obvious that you are a good parent, an involved and caring parent, that comes through.
The fact that you are dealing with these issues is a very hard part of parenting. It is very easy for folks who do not have these issues in their lives to suggest that you toughen up, that you just try tough love.
I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself, it will help you be your best, it will give you some coping skills that may be missing right now simply because you are emotionally worn out.
Your children are also going through more than the "normal" teens. It is during the middle and teen years that they themselves begin to recognize how very different they are from their school age peers. It is coloring their moods, and it would help them to have counseling and support for their individual needs. It is empowering for them to understand their own issues, not to identify their weaknesses, but to enable them to recognize that they have many strengths. That is something that they can experience that you can stand back and observe, you can facilitate.....but you cannot do for them.
My best advise, where I failed myself was not letting my son learn on his own at an earlier age. I was very involved, I educated myself, and him and I advocated where I needed to. I nearly exhausted myself too. I could have taken a bit more time to do things for myself, and shown all my children by example how to have joy by taking the time for myself to experience it. Don't make the same mistake.
Take a look at the things that you do daily. Make a list of the things that your kids are capable of taking responsibility for.....and back out slowly in those areas.
For instance.....Have your daughter decide what she wants for meals this week....have her make a shopping list. If she is incapable of going with you to the store....then you can pick them up....But she should start making her own evening meals. She may eventually want to make one meal a week for the whole family, let her think that she is sort of converting you. Kids take much more interest in anything they become invested in....that is a good opportunity for family time.
Your son can't tie his shoes at 14....I first want to know how recently he has been reassessed.....there may be more than ADD. But, regarding making his own sandwiches. Put lunch meats in a container, cheeses etc. Make sure the supplies are there for him to be able to make a sandwich. Ask him to make his own.....maybe you are making a couple along side him....if you need to be in the room doing something that is fine.....Simply oversee.....maybe suggest.....but let him do it. Eventually he will be able to make his own sandwich.....and maybe he can make a sandwich dinner for everyone at some point in the future.
There are many more areas where you could step back....and as I used to say. Pick your battle grounds. For me, not having music on because I knew it bugged my kid would not be something that I'd make a big deal over. I'd have been elated if my son wanted to do his homework. So....I would suggest that you simply drive up, no music, smile a greeting then no small talking....and drive home. Separate how you feel slighted, by what she needs because of her disability.
Go about your day when you are home. Help your son with his homework, he likely needs the help to organize and do his homework. For your daughter, let her seek you out. If she didn't want a new outfit.....go buy yourself a new outfit. Wait until she asks nicely for something new.
Give each of them a couple of daily chores....setting the table.....loading or unloading the dishwasher, they can take out the garbage.
Don't lose focus that your primary job as a Mom is to raise them up to be as independent as they can be. That might mean very different achievement levels for each of them. You'll have to accept that, so that they can.
I would consider counseling for your daughter right away. She is dealing with a lot, and she is taking it out on you because you are there, and you will love her regardless. It isn't fair....but counseling may help teach her some coping skills so that she can change that.
Your son likely has lots of in school special programs. I was lucky, my son had some wonderful teachers and he did great up until H.S. I know that you are involved, stay involved.....the older they get the harder things can be for a child who has your son's difficulties. Stay on top of his peer group.....My son was a people pleaser, he had been made fun of and bullied all through school. It made him a very depressed adolescent and it has taken years for him to learn how to be the best he can be.
Again, I encourage you to address his more age appropriate self care issues in his IEP. ADD is not going to keep him from learning how to tie his shoes....ADD combined with other disabilities maybe.....He may need to be reassessed. Also, get him shoes that he doesn't have to tie. He is likely suffering daily at school not being able to do that one thing after P.E. or sports.
I want to say, Pat yourself on the back. It is a hard road raising teens. Raising teens with some of the special issues you've related can be extremely hard. Educate yourself. Find parenting support groups to be part of. Do nice things for yourself. Take time just for you and your husband.
Pick your battle grounds.... Let the rest go, but let it go with love.
When it comes to the eating disorder and being a vegan, you mention that it's hard at times for you to keep her fed.
Has it ever been suggested that the veganism is a less than ideal dietary choice for someone who has a restrictive eating disorder?
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