What To Do About Lazy Teenage Stepson?

[Minethatbird]

Are you married to this woman?

Have you ever read the Disengaging essay? While primarily written from a woman's viewpoint, it might be useful for you.

[CaTrishia]

I am a teen as well and I believe in fair punishment but in this case just give you son some space there is nothing more annoying to us then nagging parents, I think you shouldn't get so worked up over this.

[photobuff42]

Originally Posted by Minethatbird

Are you married to this woman?

Have you ever read the Disengaging essay? While primarily written from a woman's viewpoint, it might be useful for you.

Here is the link for the essay/letter:

Disengaging - Stepfamily Help Page

Disengaging helps if you can do it.

[Jayerdu]

Originally Posted by newtovenice

All of this teenage brain development stuff is nonsense when you put it in the context of how humans lived 150 years ago. Married at 16, working a farm, working in a city, multiple kids by early 20s. Functioning just fine. Teenager is a term that didn't exist before the 1940s.

Teens are "lazy" only if that is the expectation. If you expect them to be responsible and have brought them up that way, then they'll be responsible.

If you believe that teens are lazy and incapable of thinking and reasoning, then you will treat them in a way that fosters them to be exactly that.

It is amazing how people just make things up...

Average age for marriage in the 19th century was in the early 20s and later in the century it was mid 20s for men.

[Davidcyates2720]

Let's be honest it would be so much easier without him in the picture. Your screwed no matter how you look at it. It's just going to get worse as he gets older. You guys will all have a big arguement and you and the mom will break it off eventually. It's clear you have enough resentment for this kid it's probably better to end the relationship. As a step parent, let just be honest. Nobody wants to raise someone else's kids. We all pretend it's all okay. But it's not. I don't care who you are. You can never live someone else's kids the way you do your own. It's just not possible. It's built in us that way . The best thing for you too due is talk to his mom and take his TV and games away. Make him go to the library and read a book.dont put up with the B's. At that age they no what the hell is going on. They just don't want to do a dam thing. You need to make him uncomfortable. You need to make him work along side of you. Teach him how to be a man. If you care you will teach him something his father won't. If you care about him you will put the time in. It's not his fault his dad's a loser.

[RageX]

Your marriage will fail.

You and the teenage boy have no attachment to eachother.

To him (or any stepson really): you're just some guy screwing his mom, trying to tell him what to do and, if his mom sides with you (which she should but, doesn't), he'll hate her too.

To you (or any stepdad really); he's some dirty slacker kid, from a non-paying, dirty slacker father (which he is), you will never like him, let alone love him and, everybody knows it.

Get out, while you only will lose the house and half your savings. He will eventually get you jammed up with Child Services and, police related crap. All made worse by the fact that she is enabling him, or he threatens / beats her when you're not around.

If you don't already have 1 of your own kids by this woman, and you want your own kid at some point in life, leave, start over...

...and if you have to take a wife with a kid, make sure that kid is still an infant so you can create a bond, or the kid is grown and out the house

Those infant years are absolutely critical even for natural parents, but for step-parents you need that even to stand a chance at feeling bonded.

[Mattie]

Maybe the OP will return to this post and let us know how the past two years have gone.

[ClaraC]

I was hoping for an update, also.

I just finished reading "The Primal Wound", (about children removed from bioparents, particularly mom, but also addressed dads).

We expect the child to be grateful (for adoptive or steps), but in reality, they'd be much happier in a shack with both their parents than living in comparative luxury with a step parent who wishes they didn't exist.

He's not grateful to you, OP, and probably wishes you didn't exist also. Despite the fact that you apparently have money.

[Mikala43]

I know my stepson had wanted his parents back together, and still liked me, and came to love me.

Of course I made it clear to him that wanting his parents back together was totally normal, and I didn't take it personally.

Now that he is nearing 18, he is grateful I am in his life (he has told me).

[NDak15]

Originally Posted by Des-Lab

I'm just at my wits end. I'm ready to kick them both out. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

What do I do about my 13 year old stepson?

There's no way to sugar coat it. This kid is a First Class slacker. And well on his way to being a full blown loser by the time he reaches adulthood with no prospects of a future. Indeed from what I can see, the foundation and first two walls are already up for him to be like his father-ironically-the type of man his mother despises: irresponsible, living in poverty, six kids from five women, an entry level job in his 40's, drives a last leg car, and so on. The window of opportunity to instill the values of respect and work ethic in him is rapidly closing.

And I don't know what to do about. I don't know if there's anything I CAN do about it.

If my woman and I break up, it will be because of him. We have very differing views on this, and as a result, constantly fight about it. She, as the mother, apparently refuses to let go of her baby momma grip and still thinks he's six. And because I'm just the stepfather, I'm fully aware that my hands are mostly tied. But at the same time, I pay most of the bills (including the house), and actually do give a damn-DO want him as part of the family, and do want to make a difference in this kids life. But dammit. This kid does not need a BFF. Ne heeds tough love. Like boot camp. If he's to get his act together.

And I work hard and spend a lot of money to provide a nice house to live in. I'd like to keep it nice.


Here are just a few examples of what's driving me nuts:

• The only.....ONLY skill he has in life is playing video games and watching TV. Yes. He's one of those. From the time he wakes up to the time he lays down. I can't tell you how badly I want to take a sledgehammer to his gaming console and his smartphone. When they first moved in, he didn't even know how to wash a dish. He still doesn't, despite trying to show him. I've attempted to take him under my wing and show him things like mowing the lawn, washing clothes, putting up a dartboard, hanging pictures, etc. Like talking to a rock. And let me make it clear. I'm not opposed to gaming or YouTube-ing on principle. If those are his hobbies and what he likes, fine. Everyone needs one. But...balance....all about balance.
• He refuses to make his own lunch to take to school. Despite, again, me attempting to show him. He actually once said he'd rather go without than make it himself. He's THAT lazy.
• He will not brush his teeth unless ordered to. His overall hygiene habits? The less said, the better.
• Absolutely no respect for anything around the house. Again, this has been repeatedly.....repeatedly told to him: pick up. I will spend an hour tidying up the kitchen, washing the dishes, etc. Then he'll eat something and leave the one dish right there in the sink.
• Homework/Schoolwork: lies about it despite knowing full well that both myself and his mom are in regular contact with all his teachers.
• Never....ever....ever...offers to do anything extra. What few things he does do, he does mediocre and halfass.
• Always conveniently seems to "forget" stuff. Like....where his house keys or homework is. But can quote all three "Back To The Future" movies in their entirety verbatim.

I've tried reaching out to them and him: I've taken him out to eat, to the arcade, batting cages, etc, all in an attempt to build something resembling a kind of rapport. All to no avail. He HAS demonstrated that he is very intelligent and possessing some physical/skills aptitude....when he wants to. And in all fairness, I have rewarded and praised him on the occasions he does something good/right. I believe in that balance: that the good should be recognized and rewarded too. In fact, I'd prefer it. It's much less toxic than the negative. And the woman has pointed out to me that there's so much negativity. Well yeah. That's not her imagination. This kid DOES have so many more things going against him than good.

And she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. And my continued tolerance for this coddling, enabling-the-lazy approach is fast reaching its limit.

I already made it perfectly clear to both of them: come the kids 18th birthday, if he's not going to school full time-and pulling in a minimum C+ average *OR* working fill time (and paying his share of the living expenses), then he's outta here.

I know he's a teenager and a certain amount of apathy, attitude, and resistance is to be expected. I get that. I also know that as a stepfather, I have to watch my own boundaries and be respectful of them. I get that too.

But even when making for those allowances, this kids laziness and attitude is bad. VERY bad. And it needs to be nipped in the bud NOW. Not five years from now. And certainly not in baby steps.

But at the same time, we are supposed to be a family together. And if this own kids dad isn't going to step in and be a dad and instill the values in this kid that he is going to need to survive as an adult, then who will? The wardens? If it gets to that, then it will be already too late to do anything. The kid does have a limited relationship with his father. He goes and sees him on weekends occasionally. Though what kind of relationship they have, I cannot say. I do know that the father has 'stood up' the kid as many times as he has picked him up. His mother certainly doesn't think highly of him. And yes. We both know to not disparage the man in front of his son. In fact, I don't ever mention it at all.

And I just don't know what to do.

Suggestions?

First things first, the video games and the TV need to go. He can earn those back when he gets off his ass. You and your wife need to get on the same page yesterday. As harsh is this sounds, both need and ultimatum or this kid is going to live in your basement until you die.