What To Do About Lazy Teenage Stepson? (game, parents, boys)
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The OP is right to be concerned and post here. I know many are making excuses due to the young age of 13 but based on personal experience this could just get worse.
I am not married but dating someone with a son who had all these issues at 13. Fast forward to 15 (he will be 16 later this year) and son is not only still lazy but he went from passing his classes to failing everything. School is threatening to hold him back a year.
I am in a similar position to OP though not living in that situation. I can't be accused of having any problem with son as I don't even live there. My boyfriend tells me his problems however and wants advice, but every time I give "tough love" suggestions he doesn't follow through or not for long. I can't say much more without overstepping my bounds. The wife here is enabling as many have pointed out. That's the problem I see. I wish you luck.
The kid only knows lethargy and laziness, and if this pattern continues he is in for a crappy, difficult life. You need to break the pattern and instill in him the satisfaction that comes from working towards and achieving goals. Start with a fitness goal in the form of running. This has the potential to drastically change his life for the positive. Running produces feel good brain chemicals like serotonin which will do wonders for energy and motivation. Tell him he must run FOUR times a week increasing his run time by ONE-TWO minutes per week. See if he can start with a ten minute run. On the days he doesn't jog, he must do ten minutes of sit ups and push ups. If he misses a day, take his device iPhone etc away for one day. Put up a chart. This will teach this kid that he can set goals, stick to goals, improve his own life, take control of his life and destiny, and go beyond what he thought he was capable of. Very important. You never know, it could lead to track or cross country in high school or a lifelong fitness regime.
Frankly, I doubt if your marriage is going to survive. But if you want to give it all you've got, these are my suggestions.
First, if you and your wife don't yet have any children of your own, make sure that you don't bring another child into this situation until you're sure you're going to stick with the marriage.
I feel sorry for everyone in your house, but mostly for the 13-year-old. It sucks to be 13 in the best situation. But this kid is living in a new place with a new stepfather and and his own father is barely around. If his father has 6 children by 5 different women the boy's early life must have been truly chaotic. He doesn't know where he fits or who cares about him.
Some of the behaviors you describe are typical for a 13-year-old and will get better with time. He'll eventually start showering and brushing his teeth. But most 13-year-olds are sloppy and have terrible habits. And about half the time my 18-year-old will still get up from the table and leave her plate there unless I say something.
Some of the other behaviors seem to me to be an attempt by the kid to control something in his life and it appears to be working. He's learned how to upset you and how to control the atmosphere in the house. He's driving a wedge between his mother and you. He exhibits behavior A, B, or C and you respond with X, Y, and Z. It must feel good for him to control something in his life.
So, OP--what to do? Read some books about teenagers. They are not small-sized adults. Their brains work in different ways than adults. They don't think ahead and they have very little impulse control. There are lots of good resources about parenting teens out there and you and your wife should read some. You appear to care about him, but have limited experience with teenagers and may be coming across as harsh and judgmental, even though you're doing your best.
Stop engaging in a war with your stepson. He is not your enemy. As a step-parent, you have a right to have rules and set limits in your house. The boy should help with some specific chores and should be rewarded when he does and face consequences when he doesn't. But to the extent possible, let the consequences be natural. Explain that he's old enough to make his lunch and that there are foods available. Ask him what he wants to take and have it in the house. If he'd rather not eat than make the lunch, let it go without a word. He'll survive without lunch and if he decides he'd rather eat, he will. If you've asked him to do his laundry, handle it the same way. He'll eventually get tired of wearing dirty clothes to school.
Go ahead and limit the video-game playing. He has to do all his homework and wash the dishes before he can play and he has to stop at whatever bed time you set. You may need to disable it or take the controllers or something at that time. And if he has a phone, take that too. When you tell him this, don't do it in anger. It's a reasonable rule and you need to present it reasonably. On the weekend he has to mow the yard, or do whatever other reasonable task you set before he can play.
Please stop threatening to kick him out at 18. That's a terrible thing for a 13-year-old to be living under. I know you're frustrated but it's an awful thing to say. You can decide how you want to handle things when he gets there. And if I were his mother and heard you say that, I'd pack both of us up and leave right then.
Although your stepson appears to not care, he's listening and internalizing everything you say. I hope you're not calling him lazy and a slacker when he can hear you. Keep focusing on the positives and do your best not to react in anger. I know it's very hard. My daughter is the light of my life and we have had some terrible fights in these teenage years and I always regret it. Parents are humans too and don't always react perfectly, but go give it your best shot.
Acknowledge to him that it's a tough to be a step-parent and you know that he's been through a lot too. Tell him that you're on his side and that you want it to work. Tell him you love his mother and want the 3 of you to be a family.
Finally, as many others have said, you and your wife are going to have to get on the same page about how you're going to handle this or it's just not going to work. It sounds like a family counselor, or at least a couples counselor could do you some good.
I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a good guy in a tough situation.
Ok, so let me ask you this - how much formal operational thought do you think a young person needs in order to understand the importance of cleaning up, doing tasks at a reasonable hour, and breaking away from video games when homework needs to be done? And how did you come to that conclusion?
I am not the one you posed the question to but I'm going to throw my $0.02 into this discussion.
My opinion: Tons. A huge boatload of formal operational thought; is required for a 13 year old boy to function. Oodles.
Piaget ... forgot to account for the chronologically induced developemental regression that is thought to occur due to biochemical patterns common to adolescents.
In other words; at around age 11, boys lose their brains. Gone. Not forever but possibly for up to a decade; they cease to function in a neurotypically recognizable way.
Am I serious? No.
I'm making this up as I go along & using big words to make it sound viable.
But my original thought is not wrong. My boys are now 31, 28, 27, 24, 23, 22 & 13. I don't know where the brains go at around age 11 but I've been glad to note that they do seem to find them again; eventually.
Piaget may have been correct regarding the natural progression of cognition but I personally feel that teenage boys are genetically programmed to "Grab a Pitchfork"...
Like; literally ... grab a pitchfork & work in the fields, grab a pitchfork & keep the wolves from the door, grab a pitchfork & defend your land from civil unrest ..
All that sulky, snappy & restless teenage affect we see was really usefull & neccessary for hundreds & thousands of years.
Now kids are left to manage that DNA in an urban/suburban PC world. If I were a male; 2017 would make me feel somewhat ... castrated.
I guess some join street gangs (not desirable) & live & die defending their "turf" that they are genetically predestined to want to establish & claim. Or maybe some take up the challenge with some Cyber-Warlord ...
I don't think this kid sounds like a lost cause but I do think he needs to be challenged. And channelled.
Who paid for the house...isn't this a bit irrelevant? Suppose you had some psychological issues yourself - depression, addiction, etc. and lost your job, with the government temporarily giving you benefits until you got back on your feet. Would it then be OK for the government to send someone in to rip your door off, because "they gave you the money to keep paying your mortgage"? Would it also be OK if they took away your recreational items too (e.g. skis, tennis ball, swim shorts, etc.)?
Think about this logic for a second.
Oh geez...OK...we are not talking about a hypothetical question from the OP or a hypothetical scenario about ME.
Fact is -- OP's lazy, MINOR teenage step son doesn't pay the mortgage and I highly doubt he purchased most, if not all, of his electronics.
Fact is -- I own my home and pay my mortgage. So yeah, I'd be pissed if someone took the door off my bedroom.
That scenario your gave is a way of being a "right fighter". OK, I'll indulge you.... you're right.
One size does not fit all. Stop living in a black and white world.
When OP's MINOR step son moves out and pays for his own stuff - with or without government assistance - then he can keep his privileges. Until then, boo hoo.
But seriously -- what is your stance/solution on this situation for the OP? You are all over my case for giving the OP ideas for consequences but then you back others when you say the kid is old enough (emotional development) to make logical, reasonable decisions.
So if the kid is able to understand the "importance of cleaning up" and "breaking away from video games", what should happen if he does not do either of those? Be rewarded by privileges?
Last edited by ShanIAmVA; 03-16-2017 at 10:35 AM..
Um, no. Impulse control problems does not mean you are a child, and it most certainly does not mean everyone the same age is also a child. I know someone who has a mother around 50 years old that still gets very impulsive at times, even to the point of throwing objects in the house when agitated. My mom, as a matter of fact, did that too, when in her 30's and 40's, when she was in an unhappy relationship, partly as a result of being abused as a child. By your logic, 30-50 year olds are also children, not adults. Don't you see why this reasoning is flawed?
I think you missed the point entirely. I'll try to explain it better. Yes "La Horror" was a challenge when she was younger because of her impulse control issues. I remember one time she begged me to let her paint. The first time I let her do it she stuck her arms into the paint up to her elbows. The only place to clean her up was in a tub upstairs. She dripped paint all the way up there and it was a mess having to clean it up. She was around maybe 7 at the time. Fast forward about 6 months and she asked me if she could paint again. I watched her like a hawk, turned my back for one second, and yep she did it again. Having a child with impulse control issues is way different then an adult with those issues. As the adult,you are responsible for cleaning up the aftermath. Adults are not children, we all know that. If you are an adult acting like a child, then you are responsible for your own actions. I think that's patently obvious. Sorry, but I don't understand the point you're trying to make. Adults are not children no matter how immature they act, just as children are not adults. I think we all know that as well.
the most important thing for a pre teen child is to be involved in their lives.
Do you want him to exercise? have him exercise with you, show him and encourage him, choose his music and let him be himself. make it a family thing if you can.
Have a cleaning day, to each, clean your own room. take away the tablet , key board and mouse until it is done.
If the grades are slipping, no tablet ,computer , games until Friday. you can play outside though.
both parents need to be involved. the need for interaction is important to social development. If he makes a dumb joke, just smile or laugh at it. If he likes his snacks, limit and control it, and share yours.
Long story short, kids need some structure or routine, not rules. You may not be his real dad, or his friend, but you can be his mentor instead. Don't make high expectations either, but keep encouraging.
Having been a stepfather to teens in 2 marriages I can tell you there is no chance of winning unless the Mom is with you. The two of you together could set rules and enforce them.AS you don;t get this until you do that..I f she will not work with you stay unhappy or move on.
Oh geez...OK...we are not talking about a hypothetical question from the OP or a hypothetical scenario about ME.
Fact is -- OP's lazy, MINOR teenage step son doesn't pay the mortgage and I highly doubt he purchased most, if not all, of his electronics.
Fact is -- I own my home and pay my mortgage. So yeah, I'd be pissed if someone took the door off my bedroom.
That scenario your gave is a way of being a "right fighter". OK, I'll indulge you.... you're right.
One size does not fit all. Stop living in a black and white world.
When OP's MINOR step son moves out and pays for his own stuff - with or without government assistance - then he can keep his privileges. Until then, boo hoo.
But seriously -- what is your stance/solution on this situation for the OP? You are all over my case for giving the OP ideas for consequences but then you back others when you say the kid is old enough (emotional development) to make logical, reasonable decisions.
So if the kid is able to understand the "importance of cleaning up" and "breaking away from video games", what should happen if he does not do either of those? Be rewarded by privileges?
It's putting the cart before the horse to suggest harsh actions without first improving communication within the family. This is an attempt at treating the symptoms, not the root cause of the problem, which is that, for whatever reason, they do not have good family meetings. Rewards/punishments in lieu of actually trying to get everyone in the household, collectively, as a family, on the same page, does not do justice.
If there is a video game problem, offer him help, don't snatch things away and make him mad.
"Minor" is a legal designation, it is not a guideline on how to keep a family together, nor is it an excuse to treat someone in a way that you would not want to be treated, and expect them to get along with you. Being over or under the age of majority does not change the fact that making a person mad is not a good way to start off, or maintain, family life.
And him being a "minor" in no way makes it inappropriate to ask him if he needs help breaking away from the games! Remember the goal is not to be suing each other, but to get along as a family. These legal designations are a completely wrongheaded approach, IMO.
If OP cannot find a way to relate, peacefully and cooperatively, with all of the other household members, minor or not, then it probably won't work well.
If your stepson is having behavior problems then why does he have video games, tv, computer, cell phone, etc.? Hell I would also take away his clothes and go buy him some embarrassing cheap 2nd clothes. Can take away food privaliges too. Feed him rice and beans and vegetables. Nothing good or sweet.
Also don't let him outside to play.
Guarantee you he won't like this setup and will shapen up in a hurry
As for the wife. Tell her straight up this is your house and you ain't gonna raise or accept this type of behavior. Put your foot down. Be a man.
If they are married, shouldn't it be *their* house?
You are advocating child abuse, and probably spousal abuse into the bargain.
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The only place to clean her up was in a tub upstairs. She dripped paint all the way up there and it was a mess having to clean it up. She was around maybe 7 at the time. Fast forward about 6 months and she asked me if she could paint again. I watched her like a hawk, turned my back for one second, and yep she did it again. 
