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The OP doesn't know what's going on, but it seems unlikely that an 18-year-old girl would lie and fly the coop in such a radical way all on her own. I'm not suggesting her mother should give her unlimited access to funds. But several posters have said the OP should X, Y, or Z to her "lying little ass." If it were my daughter, my first thought would be that she is over her head in an ugly situation and I wouldn't take any action that she would perceive as my turning my back on her.
I'd keep the lines of communication as open as possible and try to make sure she had cab or bus fare available and could hide out in a hotel room if needed. If she's in a situation from which she needs to escape, I'd want to make that possible. I get that it's difficult without also funding a pimp or scammer if that's what's going on, but I'd err on the side of giving my daughter a way out.
I do not think you have dealt with an errant adult child. Supporting their activity only extends and worsens it. They have to hit bottom before they will get help and you cannot do anything to help until they want help. They need to be cut off from any enabling support whatsoever. That is very hard, but it is often or maybe always necessary.
I am dealing with that right now. We have a son with a drinking problem who left college and moved back into our house. He will not face the fact he has a drinking problem. We may have to kick him out and let him wake up in the ditch covered in his own vomit, or wake up in jail in order to get him to admit he has a problem and must deal with it. It is hard. He is a great kid and we love him. We do not want him laying a a ditch covered in vomit, but that is likely the only thing that will save his life and prevent him from dying of liver disease. Obviously we are desperately looking for other solutions, some softer way to let him hit bottom. We cut off our financial support, so he cannot use our moeny to buy alcohol. That may not be enough. If we end up having to kick him out to save his life, he may end up hating us forever. But he will not likely love us more when dying of liver disease. Being a parent is hard and harder when the kids are adults.
This situation is similar. You cannot help this girl until she wants help. She will not want help until she bottoms out and gets desperate and admits she has a problem she cannot handle on her own. Free money is not help, that is enabling and postponing her bottoming out and wanting help. It is also putting her more and more at risk as time goes on. Cut her off before she gets in too deep. This is a far scarier situation than a drinking issue, and it needs to be stopped immediately. The longer she is out living it up on stolen moeny, the worse things she will get into. If she learns stealing money is ok and provides a fun life, she will start stealing other money too. With all that extra money around, booze and drugs are readily available. Connecting with more mature people who want to get at that money, is just around the corner if it is not occurring already. I do not understand people who suggest OP not put a stop to this.
Cut off the cash and you will hear from her ..
This is terribly strange and something is certainly not right . For those talking about Seattle if she came here mom would be flat broke within 24 hours unless she makes 5-6 figures .. very very $$$$$$ up here . Turn off the cash before you are homeless. I had to do that with one of my kids some years ago now , who'd stolen my card to leave town in the night .
I would send her a message that the cards are being cancelled, but if she needs to come home, a bus/plane/train ticket will be waiting for her at the airport/station ASAP or you will come to pick her up. BUT, there will be no more money coming her way.
I do not think you have dealt with an errant adult child. Supporting their activity only extends and worsens it. They have to hit bottom before they will get help and you cannot do anything to help until they want help. They need to be cut off from any enabling support whatsoever. That is very hard, but it is often or maybe always necessary.
I am dealing with that right now. We have a son with a drinking problem who left college and moved back into our house. He will not face the fact he has a drinking problem. We may have to kick him out and let him wake up in the ditch covered in his own vomit, or wake up in jail in order to get him to admit he has a problem and must deal with it. It is hard. He is a great kid and we love him. We do not want him laying a a ditch covered in vomit, but that is likely the only thing that will save his life and prevent him from dying of liver disease. Obviously we are desperately looking for other solutions, some softer way to let him hit bottom. We cut off our financial support, so he cannot use our moeny to buy alcohol. That may not be enough. If we end up having to kick him out to save his life, he may end up hating us forever. But he will not likely love us more when dying of liver disease. Being a parent is hard and harder when the kids are adults.
This situation is similar. You cannot help this girl until she wants help. She will not want help until she bottoms out and gets desperate and admits she has a problem she cannot handle on her own. Free money is not help, that is enabling and postponing her bottoming out and wanting help. It is also putting her more and more at risk as time goes on. Cut her off before she gets in too deep. This is a far scarier situation than a drinking issue, and it needs to be stopped immediately. The longer she is out living it up on stolen moeny, the worse things she will get into. If she learns stealing money is ok and provides a fun life, she will start stealing other money too. With all that extra money around, booze and drugs are readily available. Connecting with more mature people who want to get at that money, is just around the corner if it is not occurring already. I do not understand people who suggest OP not put a stop to this.
You're right. I have not dealt with an errant adult child and I'm sorry that you and the OP are. I'll defer to your experience because you've spent a lot more time thinking about this than I have. Best wishes to both of you.
The problem is, the young woman is not missing. She voluntarily left the home of her mother for some unknown reason. There is nothing the police can do to help you in this situation.
Rich
(41 years law enforcement; +20 NYPD +20 Chief of Police small Cape Cod town)
If you have her computer I would check her history to see where she has been. At least a general idea. Unless she cleaned her cache before leaving. Someone has been giving her ideas. She also may have a second email address. How very stressful for you. I'm so sorry.
(1) If she has traveled from some other place to Seattle, she is alive. (2) She might get tired of being used as a sex toy, source of funds, or whatever and decide to charge a bus ticket home, which is not possible if you don't have the money so you just continue being a sex toy etc. (3) The police or a P.I. will want to know as much as possible and a credit card trail is very good information.
I have plenty of money but not all that many daughters I can spare.
And if someone is using her as a source of funds they are going to keep her so long as she is a source of funds. Most "runaways" like this only come home for one reason - they need resources.
She is playing some pretty serious games, and needs to be brought up short, and stopped. She can end up in jail, or much worse headed down this wrong path. I would cancel all the cards, cut them up, and have new cards issued. Even bring up charges against her because this is theft, fraud, and who knows what else. Homie don't play this game. Time for some tough love.
She will continue doing this until something, or someone stops her. She thinks you are a pushover. Either that, or someone else has your information, and not just her. If the money is cut off then that other person, if there is one, may lose interest. Some people aren't aware when they are being used.
Part of exploring your independence is living within your means - NOT within your mother's means. She is getting an unrealistic picture of what true independence is like.
I'd imagine you can entice a meet with promise of bringing money to help her start out.
Don't go alone. Meet at a very public place. This is for your safety in case it is a set up.
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