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My 18 year old daughter has been dating this boy for 7 months. I have so many concerns with this relationship and am worried about my daughter.
- He pursued her very aggressively from the beginning and she has since given up every other relationship that she had. She hasn't spent time with anyone but him since February. She says she doesn't enjoy hanging out with anyone else and that her friends are fake. I know this is not true.
- She goes to work, comes home, showers and he picks her up and drops her off at midnight. They never hang out at our house - always at his house. She doesn't work on Fri/Sat so she sits at his house for 12 hours both days. They do nothing and go no where except to eat.
- He supposedly works for an online food delivery service (like Uber Eats) but since they are always sitting at his house, I can't imagine he works much. I have suspicions that she is giving him small amounts of cash.
- I noticed red flags around Prom time when he wouldn't allow his parents to come to our house for pictures (apparently they got in a fight that day). My daughter begged me not to say anything to him about why they didn't come (as if she was scared that he would get mad at her if I said something).
- He didn't go to his own high school graduation. Didn't want to. His parents and my daughter begged him to go but he refused. My daughter was upset that her boyfriend wouldn't see her graduate.
- I accidentally saw some texts that he sent my daughter when they were fighting - he was swearing at her repeatedly with the F word.
- My father-in-law passed away two weeks ago and I asked her if he was coming to the service. She said yes but he wanted her to pick him up. I told her she needed to come with us as the boyfriend couldn't come to lunch afterwards due to an appointment and she didn't have time to drop him off. He agreed he would drive. The morning of the funeral my daughter is in her room crying that he won't come unless she picks him up. Who does that to someone on the morning of their grandpa's funeral? She came with us and he didn't show. That evening, she was back at his house as usual. It felt like a slap in the face to our family that he didn't show his respects and she was ok with it!
- I have spoken to her about verbal and emotional abuse but she doesn't see it. He always apologizes and she is a very forgiving person. She just keeps saying that they are teenagers and I shouldn't expect things to be perfect.
- She has plans to go to college 3 hours from home. He has plans to go to college several states away. However, i wouldn't be surprised if he backs out at the last minute or quits after a week. She says they plan to stay together even though it is long distance.
I know she is 18 but it is so hard to watch as she has become a totally different person. I see her friends and other kids her age having the time of their lives with their friends and going fun places. It is killing me! I guess at this point I just sit back and hope for the best when they separate in 30 days? Any other advice? Thanks!
My 18 year old daughter has been dating this boy for 7 months. I have so many concerns with this relationship and am worried about my daughter.
- He pursued her very aggressively from the beginning and she has since given up every other relationship that she had. She hasn't spent time with anyone but him since February. She says she doesn't enjoy hanging out with anyone else and that her friends are fake. I know this is not true.
- She goes to work, comes home, showers and he picks her up and drops her off at midnight. They never hang out at our house - always at his house. She doesn't work on Fri/Sat so she sits at his house for 12 hours both days. They do nothing and go no where except to eat.
- He supposedly works for an online food delivery service (like Uber Eats) but since they are always sitting at his house, I can't imagine he works much. I have suspicions that she is giving him small amounts of cash.
- I noticed red flags around Prom time when he wouldn't allow his parents to come to our house for pictures (apparently they got in a fight that day). My daughter begged me not to say anything to him about why they didn't come (as if she was scared that he would get mad at her if I said something).
- He didn't go to his own high school graduation. Didn't want to. His parents and my daughter begged him to go but he refused. My daughter was upset that her boyfriend wouldn't see her graduate.
- I accidentally saw some texts that he sent my daughter when they were fighting - he was swearing at her repeatedly with the F word.
- My father-in-law passed away two weeks ago and I asked her if he was coming to the service. She said yes but he wanted her to pick him up. I told her she needed to come with us as the boyfriend couldn't come to lunch afterwards due to an appointment and she didn't have time to drop him off. He agreed he would drive. The morning of the funeral my daughter is in her room crying that he won't come unless she picks him up. Who does that to someone on the morning of their grandpa's funeral? She came with us and he didn't show. That evening, she was back at his house as usual. It felt like a slap in the face to our family that he didn't show his respects and she was ok with it!
- I have spoken to her about verbal and emotional abuse but she doesn't see it. He always apologizes and she is a very forgiving person. She just keeps saying that they are teenagers and I shouldn't expect things to be perfect.
- She has plans to go to college 3 hours from home. He has plans to go to college several states away. However, i wouldn't be surprised if he backs out at the last minute or quits after a week. She says they plan to stay together even though it is long distance.
I know she is 18 but it is so hard to watch as she has become a totally different person. I see her friends and other kids her age having the time of their lives with their friends and going fun places. It is killing me! I guess at this point I just sit back and hope for the best when they separate in 30 days? Any other advice? Thanks!
You can take her to counseling, you know. Sort of like an intervention. I think it would benefit her as she heads off to college, where she could make a million worse decisions.
It doesn't need to be about the boyfriend. She obviously is very willing to subjugate her own sense of self worth for him, and it's making her adopt unhealthy and dishonest ways of interacting. (i.e. "Don't say anything to him, Mom!" etc)
That's what I would do.
If you have 30 days till she leaves for college, you can get in about 3 maybe 4 appointments, the two of you together, so that she can at least get an idea of what healthy interactions look like from an objective source.
It can't be about the boyfriend, though, because you will just become a common enemy that bonds them even more.
I was in a relationship very similar to the one you described at your daughters age. Hearing from your parent they don't approve of your boyfriend won't do much. She may have to fail by herself to learn a very hard lesson. That is what my parents did to me. It took three years.
I think the best you can do is let her know you will love her no matter what and you are there for her. Don't let him isolate her from you by causing fighting. It's good you talked to her about emotional abuse, it's in the back of her head gnawing at her I am sure.
I would also explain to her, listen to what your gut is telling you. Are you happier more of the time then sad? Does being with him in situations make you uncomfortable that something will set him off? Does he make your life better? Ask her to just think about those things, it is her decision of course. She is an adult.
You can take her to counseling, you know. Sort of like an intervention. I think it would benefit her as she heads off to college, where she could make a million worse decisions.
It doesn't need to be about the boyfriend. She obviously is very willing to subjugate her own sense of self worth for him, and it's making her adopt unhealthy and dishonest ways of interacting. (i.e. "Don't say anything to him, Mom!" etc)
That's what I would do.
If you have 30 days till she leaves for college, you can get in about 3 maybe 4 appointments, the two of you together, so that she can at least get an idea of what healthy interactions look like from an objective source.
It can't be about the boyfriend, though, because you will just become a common enemy that bonds them even more.
If the daughter is 18 the mom can’t force her into counseling.
If the daughter is 18 the mom can’t force her into counseling.
I didn't say she should force her.
The daughter might like the idea. She may want to go. They could have "family counseling" together for a couple of appointments, and then the daughter could have one or two on her own.
Even when there are times of conflict, not everyone has a contentious relationship with their parents.
I did suggest counseling but she declined. She says she is happy with him but I see signs often that tell me otherwise.
She is not super close with her Dad but they do get along. He doesn't express much of his thoughts about this to her - he expresses them to me all the time though and he is just as concerned.
She and I used to be close and do a lot of things together. That has ended and I see her just a few hours a week. I would be fine with that if I felt that she was living a healthy well rounded life and being treated well. I couldn't even get her to go college shopping for an hour with me on Saturday but she sat at his house for 11 hours. Our relationship is very strained at the moment. I am very much struggling with keeping a happy relationship with her because it basically consists of "I'm going to work, I'm home, I'm hanging out with XXXX now" and I have trouble hiding my displeasure as she walks out the door. I guess that is what I have to do?
She is not super close with her Dad but they do get along. He doesn't express much of his thoughts about this to her - he expresses them to me all the time though and he is just as concerned.
She and I used to be close and do a lot of things together. That has ended and I see her just a few hours a week. I would be fine with that if I felt that she was living a healthy well rounded life and being treated well. I couldn't even get her to go college shopping for an hour with me on Saturday but she sat at his house for 11 hours. Our relationship is very strained at the moment. I am very much struggling with keeping a happy relationship with her because it basically consists of "I'm going to work, I'm home, I'm hanging out with XXXX now" and I have trouble hiding my displeasure as she walks out the door. I guess that is what I have to do?
Thanks for the responses.
Don't give up on her. A certain amount of this separation from you is normal, but it doesn't sound like she knows how to place healthy boundaries with this boyfriend and she doesn't know how to balance all these new things going on in her life. He has probably convinced her that she needs him as much as he needs her and its them against the world.
I asked about her Dad because in my opinion girls oftentimes try to work through issues they have with their fathers through their relationships with men. If he is emotionally distant and not reaching out to her she will forge an emotional connection with someone she has to constantly prove her worth to in an effort to fix what she feels is broken or missing. Armchair psychology, certainly, but there is a kernel of truth in it nonetheless. Getting along with your parent isn't the same as being emotionally close. It's not too late to strengthen that relationship though. I wish your family the best of luck.
She and I used to be close and do a lot of things together. That has ended and I see her just a few hours a week. I would be fine with that if I felt that she was living a healthy well rounded life and being treated well. I couldn't even get her to go college shopping for an hour with me on Saturday but she sat at his house for 11 hours. Our relationship is very strained at the moment. I am very much struggling with keeping a happy relationship with her because it basically consists of "I'm going to work, I'm home, I'm hanging out with XXXX now" and I have trouble hiding my displeasure as she walks out the door. I guess that is what I have to do?
Sorry to hear this. I know it's distressing.
I agree that you should keep your cool re: the boyfriend. Hopefully she is on birth control and is being smart about that. Enough changes will take place in the next few months that she just needs to know you are still her mom and still there for her.
It will be difficult, but try to forget about him and let the chips fall where they may in that relationship.
So, what exactly is the evidence the boyfriend is a "jerk?"
It seems the daughter has issues but she is not being called a "jerk."
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