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No, no no keep doing what you're doing while adding the extra activity together at pick-up.
I wouldn't make a habit of taking her shopping for an item each time (if ever, other than special occasions) because you could create a monster that way.
The park, the zoo, a cool walking trail, a trip downtown, etc whatever are all fun activities to SHARE with her. Time is the most important thing.
I totally understand that rejection feeling, but you have to work hard not to take it personally. This is a phase, and this will change. You will always be her dad, and consistency with your time is the best way to maintain that.
Alright. I’ll incorporate activities like this then.
This totally reminds me of the tale of King Soloman suggesting that a baby be cut in half so each person can have an equal share. Ideally, both you and your ex should do what is best for your kid, which is to include the other parent in their life as much as possible, no matter how much you hate each other's guts.
If your ex is a selfish ****heel who wants to cut you out of her daughter's life for spite, don't wreck your kid's life further by emulating her bad behavior. All I read in your posts so far is "me me me." Yeah, maybe it's in response to your ex being awful, but the end result of divorced parents both fighting for their own rights and both disregarding what is best for the child is a ****ed-up child/hood.
Put your daughter's needs first, even if your ex doesn't. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is rough. But I've got more sympathy for the hapless 4-year-old caught in the middle of the mess her parents have made than I have for the grown-ass man.
While I appreciate your response to my post, don’t assume you know everything about me or my situation. I recently went from seeing my daughter every single day to seeing her every other week. I don’t think it’s being selfish, as you say, or “me me me”. I want to spend time with my daughter.
I wouldn't give up any of your scheduled custody time. Your daughter needs to come with you during her scheduled time with you. She can see her cousins during her scheduled time with her mother and during the time her grandparents are providing childcare. It does NOT sound like she is suffering from any shortage of playtime, or contact with her mother, simply that, like any 4-year-old, if the choices are "keep playing with other kids" or "leave playtime with other kids" of course(!) she's going to want to keep up the play party.
Maintaining a close relationship with her father is an important priority, too, and I would not give up your time with her so she can have more play time with her cousins when it sounds like she has (correct me if I'm misreading this) 1) constant play time with them during her mother's weeks and 2) a shorter interval of play time with them each weekday during your weeks before you get off from work. That's PLENTY of contact with her cousins. She needs to have a relationship with you, or she may, as she grows older, feel hurt or abandoned, and not understand why you stopped spending as much time with her.
I think non-costly things like going to the park, going for walks, trips to the library, sound like wonderful ways to make memories and spend time with you.
Last edited by kitkatbar; 01-15-2020 at 11:51 AM..
She's already at her grandma's all day. It's not like you're depriving her of time and attention.
The pick-up transition is always tricky, whether at home or school, but you can sit her down and tell her that when you come get her, it's a happy time and lay out the expectations for her to be ready etc.
Whether her grandma will help with that is another story.
Sorry you two are separated. You have definitely had challenges since Day 1.
4 is a tender delicate age, but I ask you objectively - how much does a 4 year old call the shots? You are your childs father, you must step up, even twice as hard now to show that you are 50% of her life no matter the circumstances. If you fear she's not getting enough 'fun times' you must provide the fun times. If she's not getting enough 'continuity and routine' you must provide that. Give yourself a goal, like teaching her the alphabet, and the names of colors, etc even before the 1st day of kindergarden.
There's also a rude lessson for you to learn. If you allow yourself to be the passive parent and the mother's clan to be the primary and default caretaker, you gonna get raked over the coals when it comes time for the family court judge to calculate your child support AND the amount of time allocated (SOME ex'es do terrible things like only begrudingly allow what the judge says). You must bring your child to school. You must buy clothes, you must provide meals. You must have child sleep at your house that is ALSO her home. You must meet & know her teachers. Otherwise, mother is providing 80% of care and your only role will be to send the check and see child every other weekend. That's for you to decide if you are 'sunday only father' or you gonna be Level 9000 dad.
Ok. Thanks for the response! Yes you are right! I need to step it up and offer more to my daughter. One of the reasons (amongst MANY) my ex and I separated was because my ex was too far wrapped up in her profession to spend quality time with us. Now that I am single and split households, I’ve got to give my daughter what her mother cannot. One of the reasons why I was thinking about moving either in with my parents, however temporarily that may be, or closer to them was so that way my side of the family can spend equal time with my daughter as my ex’s side spends with her.
I wouldn't do this. Your daughter needs to come with you during her scheduled time with you. She can see her cousins during her scheduled time with her mother and during the time her grandparents are providing childcare. It does NOT sound like she is suffering from any shortage of playtime, or contact with her mother, simply that, like any 4-year-old, if the choices are "keep playing with other kids" or "leave playtime with other kids" of course(!) she's going to want to keep up the play party.
Maintaining a close relationship with her father is an important priority, too, and I would not give up your time with her so she can have more play time with her cousins when it sounds like she has (correct me if I'm misreading this) 1) constant play time with them during her mother's weeks and 2) a shorter interval of play time with them each weekday during your weeks before you get off from work. That's PLENTY of contact with her cousins. She needs to have a relationship with you, or she may, as she grows older, feel hurt or abandoned, and not understand why you stopped spending as much time with her.
I think non-costly things like going to the park, going for walks, trips to the library, sound like wonderful ways to make memories and spend time with you.
I couldn’t agree more! She sees her cousins daily and often spends full days with them every single week. She doesn’t have as much contact with my side of the family due to the distance between us, although she does get to spend a weekend here and there with them. Unfortunately, the balance is grossly inaccurate between both sides. I thought it was asinine to forgo picking up my daughter because she wanted more play sessions with her cousins. I also think, maybe giving her too much of a choice to either stay or go with me is setting the situation up for behavior problems down the road.
I couldn’t agree more! She sees her cousins daily and often spends full days with them every single week. She doesn’t have as much contact with my side of the family due to the distance between us, although she does get to spend a weekend here and there with them. Unfortunately, the balance is grossly inaccurate between both sides. I thought it was asinine to forgo picking up my daughter because she wanted more play sessions with her cousins. I also think, maybe giving her too much of a choice to either stay or go with me is setting the situation up for behavior problems down the road.
No, she doesn't get a choice, just like children who are growing up in two-parent households don't get a choice about whether they want a playdate to end at 4:00 when mom has groceries melting in the car and the other parent needs to start dinner.
No . . . it's just having a more flexible, leisurely, unfrantic response to her enjoying herself at grandmas.
Maybe you could hang out there too, I don't know.
NO.
OP ignore that.
It WILL change, I promise. Stick to your plan of making new/fun activities on your nights. My son was 5 when his father and I split, and he would literally cry all the way to the car when his dad came to pick him up. I felt awful and obviously so did his dad. He just loved being with mom in the new house with his nice new bedroom...it had nothing to do with not loving his dad. But eventually it passed. It will for you too. Best of luck!
She's already at her grandma's all day. It's not like you're depriving her of time and attention.
The pick-up transition is always tricky, whether at home or school, but you can sit her down and tell her that when you come get her, it's a happy time and lay out the expectations for her to be ready etc.
Whether her grandma will help with that is another story.
Sorry you two are separated. You have definitely had challenges since Day 1.
It definitely has been a challenge since day 1. I never wanted to have broken household, but ultimately the choice didn't come down to me.
No, she doesn't get a choice, just like children who are growing up in two-parent households don't get a choice about whether they want a playdate to end at 4:00 when mom has groceries melting in the car and the other parent needs to start dinner.
I agree. She doesn't get a choice.
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