Caught son experimenting...how to react? (deviant, teenage, 18 year old, adults)
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I think that the part that the OP is missing is that in order to decide which social norms make sense, and which ones can be discarded the boy needs a pretty firm grip on what those social norms are. I think its fine to teach your kids to question social norms and not to follow the crowd just to follow them.
However, there are times when social norms need to be followed because violation of social norms could cause legal problems, or cause such social upheaval that not following them is not worth it. For tweens/teens not following social norms with regard to sexuality can have very serious (and sometimes unwanted) social complications for kids. I know that when I was a kid it would have been very difficult for a boy to be involved in sports if he was gay OR PERCIEVED TO BE gay.
So while I respect the desire of an adult to question social norms, and do the same thing sometimes myself, I do think that you are skipping a step with your son. You need to help him learn how to navigate social norms before he can decide that they do not matter to him. Because the truth is that he doesn't have enough experience to decide whether they matter or not. Especially when it comes to sexual matters.
For me this is how it would have gone in my household.
My talk would sound like this:
#1 masturbation is normal, healthy and perfectly ok to do in the privacy of your room with the door closed.
#2 it is not ok to do with anyone else male or female until you're of consenting age.
#3 you can hang out with your friends (I would seriously supervise) but there would be no more sleepovers.
#4 I would have a discussion on how this can be viewed as a sexual criminal act. How everyone involved could get into trouble by the law including both kids and parents because its illegal to do these things underage. But at the same time stress that sex is not bad but should be done at the appropriate age. (at this age kids are usually afraid if you tell them something is against the law)
And this business of he's going to do this anyway, that would not fly in my house. Not at 11 years old. I've had my kids tell me they were going to do things anyway but at 17-18 years old.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with a very difficult situation. There is nothing wrong with your son, he just needs to be firmly guided. Good luck.
I am a regular poster here, but I decided to post this anonymously because I've mentioned who I am on my normal account and this is of a somewhat personal nature. Forgive me if I'm rambling a bit.
Earlier today I was taking a box of Christmas decorations out to the garage and when I entered, I discovered my 11 year old son and his friend with their pants down, performing mutual masturbation on each other. Everyone was embarrassed and surprised, but I tried not to show it and told them to come meet me in the living room, giving them a chance to get decent and calm down a little bit.
A few long minutes later my son shuffles in, blushing and staring at the floor. I ask where the friend is and am told he went home (a couple blocks, he's allowed to go alone, although he left his stuff from sleeping over last night). I took him up to his room (so we could speak more privately, since DD was also home) and told him that I wasn't angry, that he should not be ashamed, that I wanted him to stop doing this and continue being private in what he does about his sexuality, and that I wanted him always to be able to talk to me about anything.
For his part, he was clearly willing to talk to me. He answered my questions seemingly truthfully and expressed the various feelings and thoughts and desires he was having in perhaps-excessive detail. (This is not the first time where he has been so open and honest as to make us uncomfortable; we take this as a good sign!) Finally he told me that he would be continuing to do this if possible. He seemed more honest than defiant, I think trying to determine whether I was making it a serious rule. I told him we would have to discuss it more later.
DW has come home since and I told her everything, and the two of us still do not know how to proceed. We seem to have the same attitude, which we are willing to rethink. We would prefer our son not share his sexuality with anyone else, but we really don't care if he experiments with his friends. We are not worried this will cause any psychological damage. We are worried this will lead to more risky sexual behavior. We don't want to come down too hard on him because we fear that we could make him ashamed of his sexuality, which we suspect screws more people up than touching another boy's privates. We agree that if he had sworn he wouldn't do something like this again we would not have stopped letting him have sleepovers and such, so we do not want to punish him for honesty.
Does anyone have any insight for us? What should we do? Are we being altogether too liberal about this? Should we tell the other boy's parents? I really hate to tell them because we could imagine them overreacting and I would hate to be the cause of lots of grief for DS's friend. I could even imagine them blaming my son and "warning" other parents about him, spreading what should be very private information. Does anyone have any insight about the predicament?
I think you did the right thing to encourage him to speak to you, and you withholding judgement.
Since he has expressed interest in the activity, I would caution and teach him about sexual diseases.
And the values and beliefs you have, not necessarily about heterosexuality, but about monogamous sexual relations.
I think it is normal for an 11 year old to wonder about that, and compare himself with other boys because peer girls are not likely to be close or available for such experimenting opportunity.
I would also encourage him to be aware of his body, and his "self-control." That there are things appropriate, and not appropriate. And there are distinction of "not appropriate in public," but are "appropriate in private" and in certain beliefs such as "within marriage."
you shoudl be ashamed for not informing the other parents.Now the situation is different..before you did not know,now you know..and you CONTINUE TO allow underage children to make something like this under your roof!!!!It is unbelievable!You may be tolerant,but guess what, not all parents are and this is not acceptable,you are not allowed to take decision about other children!maybe i should and will informe the right place about you,the criminal police can very easy follow,who posted hier,because in such a situation,they have access to informations and yes under this circumstances the othe rboy might be in danger,because his parents trust their child to come over to you and be at your place and you have something like this to hide!!...The parents of the other child should be informed,especially when the other child is younger.maybe your son forced him too and he is too ashamed to admit..this needs to be proofed and come at light,from professionals..i do not care,who you are and that your reputation can be damaged or not,i care about the other boy and his parents!..and about your boy,i am sory to have such a parent!!and if you allow now (knowing the truth0such games under your roof,you can be everything in my eyes,even a perverte...because no normal person would continue to allow the child to CONTINUE TO touch OTHER CHILD!!!!!DO YOU GET IT????OTHER CHILD!!!!!!!if you do not get it,then you should get informed at a lawyer,what does it mean to touch sexually another child!!!in this country!!!we are not talking GROWN UPS!!!!we are talking CHILDREN!!!
if you are atheist you do not have to pay,only if you are catholic,you MUST pay..when you make your tax report or get new hired you have to declare your religion too..and if it is catholic you pay automatically from your salary!!
Last edited by Buburuza13; 01-07-2010 at 02:43 PM..
Buburuza13
Chill out!!!
Your constant VILE rant against these parents and your VERY apparent condemnation of homosexuality, that you keep bringing up (this kid is not, he experimented!), are really over the edge. I still think these parents handled the whole situation very well.
Good that this kid was not yours. You probably would have put him out on the street or killed him. That is how you come across in your posts.
Your over-zealous "Christian" rant and view of this situation would put you on the Terrorist list.
Since when do Christians (as you keep bringing into the story) hate so much?
As I said in my earlier post "Glad you were not my parent". Are you "old school" German?.............. I won't even continue with this one, I had to delete what I was going to post.
Burburuza13, if you had/have kids, I hope they survive/survived without being damaged too much.
3. It is really amazing the variety of opinion that has come out here. A week later, I think the way we dealt with this was the best we could do in this situation. My research confirms that this isn't nearly as uncommon or harmful as several posters have suggested. Some have suggested a more hands-off approach, but our relationship with our son is such that we feel comfortable guiding him to more healthy behavior.
I registered just to respond in this thread. I thought it might be helpful to you to get the perspective of someone who was in your son's position 20 years ago. A brief personal history:
By age 11 (I was in 5th grade at this point) I'd been masturbating for a little over a year - obviously by this age a kid knows exactly what he's doing (we're not talking about a toddler humping his pillow) and it's perfectly normal and healthy behavior. I invited a particular classmate over to my house for the first time.
It wasn't long before we were sitting in front of the TV and he silently slipped my hand down onto his crotch. This certainly surprised me, but it was clear what he wanted to do. I was both curious and excited to know what it might feel like to have someone else do it, and nervous as hell that those feelings might mean I'm gay (to what I suppose would be my homophobic 11 year old self's relief that turned out not to be the case). If I'd had the guts to start something like this, I probably already would have. Suffice it to say my now raging erection won the battle with my fears and I grabbed my friend's hand and skipped straight to it by shoving it right into my underpants.
It most definitely felt better than doing it myself! However, after the high was over I was just left with the "oh no, I'm gay" feeling. Hormones overcame this a few more times, but the worry remained. I finally explained to my friend how I felt, and we agreed to stop... after one more time . He respected my request.
Even though I'm not gay, looking back on it now I wish I hadn't felt so guilty about it (Pubescent boys don't do this because they're gay, they don't do it because they've got romantic feelings for each other, they do it for the same reason they masturbate - because it feels great. Hormones are rushing, but their sexuality is still waiting to express itself fully.). It was fun, and it was basically harmless.
As you said, it is hardly uncommon. As an adult I've heard similar stories from friends, college roommates, and even my 20-year-old nephew. Boys find dad's porn stash, masturbate together over it (sometimes mutually, usually solo - hell even I did a lot of that with other friends), etc. That sort of behavior seems to wane as they get older and have more interest in and access to the opposite sex. I'm quite surprised nobody else in this forum has acknowledged similar behavior, though it sounds like ADVentive's husband might know the score!
Obviously, good sex education is a must. I'm sure you have that covered. But there's a new issue that others have brought up that I just want to reiterate: legally speaking, this sort of behavior can be terribly dangerous. Even just 20 years ago when I was growing up nobody would ever have thought to consider consensual behavior between peers to be criminal behavior (perhaps a matter for a therapist, depending on who you talked to), but nowadays they're ready to slap people on the sex offender registry just for peeing in public; the last thing you want is to have your kid publicly branded a pervert, potentially for life. You need to research your state's laws on this type of behavior. Most states have a 2 or 3 year "buffer zone" for consensual sexual interactions between minors (ie. a 14 and 17 year old are legally ok, while a 13 and 17 year old would be statutory rape), however they generally have a low-end cutoff (12 or 13) below which anything is a no-no.
Explain the legal and social ramifications of this behavior to your son. I don't personally believe he's doing anything morally wrong, or physically or psychologically harmful, but there are other issues he should be aware of that may temper his enthusiasm for the sport.
This guy said masturbating with your dad is okay and normal. You think that is good? Not only is this poor taste but it is an expression of the furthest depths of perversion. Is this some sort of backwater morality that is prevalent in American's homes?
Where I was raised we did not carry on with this type of permissiveness and thank god for that.
Quote:
Boys find dad's porn stash, masturbate together over it (sometimes mutually, usually solo - hell even I did a lot of that with other friends), etc. That sort of behavior seems to wane as they get older and have more interest in and access to the opposite sex [
This guy said masturbating with your dad is okay and normal. You think that is good? Not only is this poor taste but it is an expression of the furthest depths of perversion. Is this some sort of backwater morality that is prevalent in American's homes?
Where I was raised we did not carry on with this type of permissiveness and thank god for that.
You misread that one completely!!
He refers to two 2 boys finding one of their dad's porn stash.
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. He respected my request.
materbating with daddy
