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I think the OP is asking more of help for herself, - she is the one who feels uncomfortable with *pretending*, with knowing some lie and having to keep it secret. Some people like it all in the open, and could feel very out of their comfort zone if asked to participate in some life-long cover-up. (Or until whenever the kids get to learn). The family secret should stay and be managed by that family, however painful it may be in the future for the grown up kids.
But the question of this OP, I think, - what is the OP to do? She apparently feels awkward now interacting with the kids and their mother. Is it fair to ask an unrelated person to bear a pretty grave secret?
That is how I feel. I really wish she would have left me in the dark. Since she told me, there hasn't been another discussion about the dad. The kids haven't ask me anything about him. The last time he came up was a few months ago. I'm just so scared everytime I'm around them. I hope I can get beyond this. I really like my friend. She is a very nice person. My kids love her kids. We have a lot in common. I just don't know what's going to happen. The biggest lies I've told kids are the regular kid stuff (Santa, Easter bunny etc.) However, those are the biggest lies I've ever HAD to tell. Our lives are pretty boring.
No, he's the dad. He knows he's the dad. Her son looks EXACTLY like him. The little girl looks like him, too. He's just a butt. That's how the trouble started. They got married because she was pregnant. He was looking for any reason not to be a father. He accused her of cheating when she found him in CA. He asked for a perternity test. She was hurt, but she agreed. Once it came back positive, he told her couldn't she get a hint. He just doesn't want to be a dad. Shortly after that is when she told the kids he died in a car accident in Cali. I saw the test and the letter he sent her.
Sounds like a dead dad in this case IS better than the live one. I think that she is doing what she thinks is best for her children. Since she herself has the unique status of knowing exactly how they would feel if they were told the truth, she IS the best judge of how to handle it. Maybe later when they are older but for now - I'm sure its helping with her kids' self image.
Why does he have to come up in conversation? He's gone, not a part of their lives. I mean, they don't know what they don't have. He does not want to be a part of their lives.
I did know a guy like this once; he did tell his GF I never want kids - well, sure enough, years later, I'm talking to him and I said "How's ____?" - he said, well, she got pregnant, when she told me, I left that night. Never seen her since, never want to. He would NEVER be the type of person to just pop into someone's life, either.
And he said to me - well, I told her I didn't want kids and I don't want 'em and I don't want to be found and nothing will change my mind. This is like 10 years ago and he's moved across the country and probably has a new GF. His loss.
No, he's the dad. He knows he's the dad. Her son looks EXACTLY like him. The little girl looks like him, too. He's just a butt. That's how the trouble started. They got married because she was pregnant. He was looking for any reason not to be a father. He accused her of cheating when she found him in CA. He asked for a perternity test. She was hurt, but she agreed. Once it came back positive, he told her couldn't she get a hint. He just doesn't want to be a dad. Shortly after that is when she told the kids he died in a car accident in Cali. I saw the test and the letter he sent her.
Then he's still enough in the picture, and he knows he's the dad, there's proof of that, then I think she needs to tell the kids about him. The fact that you know so much how he looks and how he looks like the kids means he's not all that "gone". His mother could decide she wants to see the kids, or he could at some point change his mind.
What's harder? Having a dad that doesn't want resposibility or the only parent you have lying to you about something that important?
It's kind of like adoption, it's best to tell the kids the truth about biological parents.
What if the kids say How can we believe anything you say after this?
My DH elected not to visit his kids after ex became sole custodian (lots of allegations of abuse.) Well 10 years after kids look up Dad, claim Mom told them she had no problems with him seeing them, it was all him, yada, yada, yada. DH produces transcripts from court fight that show that isn't what she said to the judge. Let's just say that relationship has never been the same.
Can you encourage her to tell the the truth? The longer she waits, the worse it will be. Even worse will be if they learn it from somebody else.
What if the kids say How can we believe anything you say after this?
My DH elected not to visit his kids after ex became sole custodian (lots of allegations of abuse.) Well 10 years after kids look up Dad, claim Mom told them she had no problems with him seeing them, it was all him, yada, yada, yada. DH produces transcripts from court fight that show that isn't what she said to the judge. Let's just say that relationship has never been the same.
Can you encourage her to tell the the truth? The longer she waits, the worse it will be. Even worse will be if they learn it from somebody else.
This is an entire different situation. The motives of the mother were obviously not to love and protect her children like the OP's case.
What if the kids say How can we believe anything you say after this?
My DH elected not to visit his kids after ex became sole custodian (lots of allegations of abuse.) Well 10 years after kids look up Dad, claim Mom told them she had no problems with him seeing them, it was all him, yada, yada, yada. DH produces transcripts from court fight that show that isn't what she said to the judge. Let's just say that relationship has never been the same.
Can you encourage her to tell the the truth? The longer she waits, the worse it will be. Even worse will be if they learn it from somebody else.
Yes, just like many people get into looking up their ancestry, it's very very easy today to find things out.
It's better to stop the lies. Just come clean whatever it was because the truth may not always come out but very often it does. To be told a parent is dead when that isn't the case is going too far.
This is an entire different situation. The motives of the mother were obviously not to love and protect her children like the OP's case.
You don't really love or protect children by lying to them about the other parent. A lot of kids have deadbeat parents, there are people whose mothers left them, fathers left them and they learned to deal, they function just fine. There are children who bonded with a parent and the parent changed and is now out of the picture by choice, the kids don't just crumble, they may grieve, they may wonder why but they resolve it in their minds.
What does she tell them about the social security survivors benefits? Obviously she can't lie and get those for them, that alone could make them wonder someday. A parent can tell the children that not everyone is up to the responsbilities of parenthood and unfortunately that's one of their parents.
What's going to happen when one of the kids wants to visit the father's grave? Or wants to look up extended family? I think the sooner she comes clean, the better.
What's going to happen when one of the kids wants to visit the father's grave? Or wants to look up extended family? I think the sooner she comes clean, the better.
He was cremated. The one thing she told them that was true is that he doesn't have any family. He never new his father. I don't know if his mother is still living. His grandmother is deceased. He and his mother were only children.
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The dad
