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Wyo has hit on something that should be considered. I did a lot of research on the subject of girls needing their fathers for a psychology class while pursuing my bachelors (not to be confused with a PhD) in education.
All girls need positive relationships with men in their lives or they seek out boys and/or men to fill that void. The lack of positive male attention causes girls to look for ANY kind of attention from boys and/or men and they mistake the physical aspect of sex with the caring they are looking for from a male.
If you had read my posts, you'd know I've talked to her and she denies everything but I'm sure she's lying. The girls who came to me would not lie about this. They came to me out of concern for my daugther. They claim she told them so it's not rumor though there are rumors flying around the school.
Well, I hope this doesn't offend you, but clearly this one paragraph speaks volumes to me about your relationship with your daughter.
If your daughter is telling the truth, it is terrible that you have such trust issues that you won't even believe her.
If she is lying, it is terrible too, she won't even have enough respect and trust IN YOU to tell you the truth.
Both situations seem sucky to me.
Well, I hope this doesn't offend you, but clearly this one paragraph speaks volumes to me about your relationship with your daughter.
If your daughter is telling the truth, it is terrible that you have such trust issues that you won't even believe her.
If she is lying, it is terrible too, she won't even have enough respect and trust IN YOU to tell you the truth.
Both situations seem sucky to me.
There are other possibilities too.
--she could have lied to her friends to be cool.
--she could THINK she had sex when she didn't.
The last one isn't impossible. It happened to me. Not sure how I can explain it on the internet so I won't go into details He was a football player for WVU and I was in high school. I thought we had sex, but a few years later, I really had sex and realized that he was a virgin who didn't know how to have sex. For a few years, I thought I had lost my virginity but I truly hadn't. That said, I would have lost my virginity if he had known what he was doing.
I need to hire someone who wants to work two hours a day who will pick her up from school, bring her home and make sure she doesn't leave. And whomever I hire has to be bonded and trustworthy enough to be left with my daughters. Where does one even start looking. This is, certainly, not a job I'd put out on Craig's list.
I hope you realize that being bonded is something the employer does, not the employee.
While this truly is a position you could fill on Craig's List, you can hire an agency to find someone.
Not sure where you live, but here's a listing of domestic placement agencies that claim to be in Michigan:
If they are national, do your own searches for 'domestic placement agency' in your area.
And you hit the nail on the head in this post. Call it a "mother's helper" position to clean, shuttle kids around, supervise, etc.
There are many families that keep "help" well through high school.
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Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
What I really need is to find a stay at home mom who needs a mother's helper. I could pay her to supervise my daughter and she'd pay my daughter to help with her kids. Now THAT might work. I wonder if there's anyone at my church who'd take me up on that? They'd have to be close enough for her to walk or take dial a ride but that might work. If she were being paid to show up, she just might. While I have a friend who is home whose daughter goes to the same school who I could probably ask to watch her, I'm afraid my daughter simply wouldnt' get on the bus more often than not.
I'm not sure if this is a good idea. It puts a mother who has other children to care for in the position to have to leave her house to look for your daughter.
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Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I think she'll resist being baby-sat but she might not resist being the baby sitter.
Don't call it babysitting. Say you're getting someone to help out in the afternoons with housework and supervision. Your daughter is too young to be alone.
If you've never had help, it will be a transition, but your daughter isn't the person in charge. She doesn't decide what happens.
It's hard enough to get through college with tuition these days. With day care expenses and supporting a baby while you're in school and working to support yourself and the baby it would be nearly impossible.
Day care expenses would be covered through welfare or grants.
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Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I'd have to ask who's actually raising the baby if mom is working and going to school.
That's crazy. Any child would be better off being in childcare during the early years of his/her life than living in a life of poverty because the mother didn't go to school. And let me remind you that your own children are latch key children.
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Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I suppose you could do it with a stay at home dad. That is allowed these days.
What do you mean "that is allowed these days?" And it certainly wouldn't solve your problem because a SAHD doesn't have income. Furthermore, it's highly unlikely that your daughter would be marrying the father of her baby.
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Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I once took two classes on top of working full time with young children at home. I didn't do that twice. I limited myself to one class a term after that so it took six years to get my masters degree. I can't imagine taking even 8 credits a term while working with a baby and a girl would have to work to support herself and her baby and pay her tuition.
You're not even making sense. You are comparing a teen pregnancy to your working full time. And why would your daughter need to work to pay her own tuition when you have college funds? Just because she had a baby you're going to not pay her tuition? And why do you think she needs to work while going to college? Teenage girls go on welfare. There's grants and scholarships, etc. The only thing preventing teenage mothers from going to college are the teenage mothers and their mothers who think like you. You're so negative.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
At 8 credits per term, you're talking 8 years to get a bachelors degree. Fortunately, bachelor's level credits never go stale.
First off, you're forgetting summer term. If she only took one credit per term, including summers, she'd be done in 10.5 years. Don't talk like that's a worthless waste of time. Goodness, she's better off pursuing a degree at a slow pace than not pursuing one at all. But I contend that it's possible for her to accomplish a four year degree almost full time. Financially, she can do it if you continue to help her as you planned. If she lived at home and you helped watch the baby so she could study. I've never understood why parents completely give up on their children when they make mistakes and throw them to the wolves to live with their mistake permanently.
I have to disagree. I was sexually active for two years before I felt that "zing". Sex was pretty boring before that and I never thought of my body as gross. I just didn't see what the big deal was.
Women are a little different than men. Men may run out and try to find it again but women don't. I didn't become a sexaholic because I'd had an orgasm. I just tried to figure out how they happen. It actually took a while before I could have them regularly.
Ahhh...but once you got the zing, whether it was alone or with your partner, you wanted to have it again, right? As a woman, I disagree with your assessment and believe that plenty of women "try and find it again." I do and I am in no way a horny teenager or sexaholic. As a 37 year old, I can and do have one every time my husband and I have intercourse. Why shouldn't I...my husband does. But I will say that it wasn't always this way...we've been married for 10 years and it wasn't until the last few of them where I took my own feelings and needs into account and do what's necessary to achieve my own satisfaction. My husband is on board because he knows if I enjoy it, he gets to enjoy it more often...it's a win/win for both of us.
I didn't say you had to have your first "zing" while having sexual intercourse. I'm saying that nearly all of us have had a "zing" while doing something and perhaps it was accidental (mine was while riding a horse at summer camp in 7th grade). Again, not in a sexual situation and clearly there are different levels of the Big O, but teenagers who have felt that zing are just like the rest of us...trying to get that feeling again. And I don't believe a 14 year old girl understands any of that yet and therefore isn't enjoying the act of sex...she is doing it for another reason (acceptance, to keep a boyfriend, etc).
Oh, and, regarding school and college, there are far more girls that graduate high school and attend college after having babies than not these days. Don't put that out there as a given sacrifice should she be or become pregnant.
I agree with your post (for the most part), especially about having frank conversations with her. Let's hope, for the OPs sake, that her daughter hasn't had sex yet. Either way, it's time for frank and explicit conversations with her.
While I do understand that people can go to college after having a baby in high school, this is not what the OP needs to tell her daughter. Let's be realistic...the odds are seriously stacked against her, and even if she does go to college, she is going to college solely to get an education...she won't be able to have the entire college experience with a baby at home. I think the mom needs to include the "your young life as you know it will be over if you get pregnant" talk. No need to make it sound like "perhaps you can still be successful." She needs to make her daughter understand that teenage pregnancy is a dead end...it's time to scare her daughter and use everything in her arsenal.
To the OP, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that your daughter is telling you the truth. It is very possible that she lied about having sex and that the girls who reported this to you just heard the rumor. That doesn't change the fact that some honest conversations need to be had and some things need to be done on your part.
I am an advocate of getting your daughter's head in the right place. That will prevent her from needing to be babysat, driven to and from school, etc.
First, if she wants to go to college, perhaps you should take her to a few nearby. Heck, if it's possible, take a quick trip over a weekend and take her to one a little farther away. Let her walk around the campus, perhaps set up a tour with the admissions department, take her to a sporting event, buy her a sweatshirt at the student store. College is a fantastic experience that includes a lot more than just an education and if she wants to live in a dorm, eat at the cafeteria, meet friends while living on campus, she cannot get pregnant. Saying she wants to go to college is one thing...letting her see how awesome college is and how many people are there who are just waiting to meet her will perhaps get her to focus on something else besides whatever confidence she thinks she will get by having sex with a boyfriend.
Second, start talking to her about personal issues. Ask her how she feels about sex. What does she think of girls who are having sex at school? What do other kids think of the girls who are having sex? Do the boys really like those girls or are they just a "warm body." What does she think that having sex with her boyfriend will accomplish? What will happen once they have sex...does she really think that her boyfriend will just be happy to come over and play Wii after the "cat's out of the bag"?
I can feel myself blushing over just typing this but I also know that it's easy to yell, to accuse, to start talking about sex in the context of diseases and pregnancy (which I understand are very real), but young girls attach an emotion to sex or use sex to get something else. You need to figure out what she thinks having sex will accomplish with her boyfriend and perhaps you need to share a VERY personal story of an experience you've had that was less than great in order to show her that you're not perfect and that you would change something about your life if you could.
Tell her how important you think she is and how much of her life is ahead of her. Remind her that as a teenager, she is going to make mistakes but she should hold herself in high enough regard not to just throw her virginity away to the first guy who pays attention to her. Remind her (if you believe this) that you aren't expecting her to be a virgin forever, but you'd like her to wait for the right guy who has her best interests at heart to come along before she makes a decision.
I agree with your post (for the most part), especially about having frank conversations with her. Let's hope, for the OPs sake, that her daughter hasn't had sex yet. Either way, it's time for frank and explicit conversations with her.
While I do understand that people can go to college after having a baby in high school, this is not what the OP needs to tell her daughter. Let's be realistic...the odds are seriously stacked against her, and even if she does go to college, she is going to college solely to get an education...she won't be able to have the entire college experience with a baby at home. I think the mom needs to include the "your young life as you know it will be over if you get pregnant" talk. No need to make it sound like "perhaps you can still be successful." She needs to make her daughter understand that teenage pregnancy is a dead end...it's time to scare her daughter and use everything in her arsenal.
Totally agree that the OP shouldn't be telling that to her daughter that now.
We were all discussing IF she became pregnant and had a child. Then it's definitely a discussion the OP should have with her daughter at that time.
I agree with your post (for the most part), especially about having frank conversations with her. Let's hope, for the OPs sake, that her daughter hasn't had sex yet. Either way, it's time for frank and explicit conversations with her.
While I do understand that people can go to college after having a baby in high school, this is not what the OP needs to tell her daughter. Let's be realistic...the odds are seriously stacked against her, and even if she does go to college, she is going to college solely to get an education...she won't be able to have the entire college experience with a baby at home. I think the mom needs to include the "your young life as you know it will be over if you get pregnant" talk. No need to make it sound like "perhaps you can still be successful." She needs to make her daughter understand that teenage pregnancy is a dead end...it's time to scare her daughter and use everything in her arsenal.
There is no way I'd present a pregnancy as workable with a college education to my daugther. I find it laughable that anyone suggested this. I'll tell her about how difficult it would be to finish school with a baby. In her case, impossible as she couldn't do a PhD with a baby at home while working to support herself and the baby. She'd be lucky to get in three or four college classes per year and she would lose the college experience. I want her to want to avoid pregnancy not think we can work around it if it happens. We won't. She will have a child to raise and that will put a, serious, crimp in her ability to attend school. Hopefully, if the unthinkable does happen, she'll have the sense to put the baby up for adoption. A teen mom keeping a baby is about the most selfish thing I can think of. The child pays in the long run for a mistake made by his parents.
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