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A guy that I see occasionally has been going through a tough time. We had some romantic possibilities, but I've tabled them since I've realized that he's basically in no condition to have any sort of relationship (which is why this is not on the Relationships board). He specifically told me he needed friends he could talk to a couple months ago and acknowledged that he was in a serious depression. He has basically become a full-blown alcoholic in the past few months, from what I can tell. I'm also pretty sure there's some serious PTSD going on as well.
He is an amazing person, but he has had a very difficult life from the start, and in the last few years a serious injury has wreaked havoc on his life and everything he's worked for. It's affecting him physically, professionally, and financially. The last time I saw him - about a month ago - he was not doing very well.
He stopped responding to texts about 2 weeks ago. I sent a message letting him know it was fine with me if he had a new romantic interest and wanted to stop talking because of that, but I asked that he just let me know he's ok. He has not responded at all, and that is very alarming to me.
I'm wondering what I should do.
I've considered my own motivations. Yes, I had romantic feelings for this guy, but they're irrelevant at this point. I also like him as a person. I have a lot of platonic guy friends, so that's not really unusual. I respect and admire what he's been able to do with his life, and the fact that he is such a kind and brilliant person despite the obstacles he's dealt with basically from birth. Right now, I'm also saddened and alarmed by the fact that he might lose a lot of the things he's worked so hard for.
Further complicating things is the fact that I also dealt with a fairly serious episode of depression that was similarly "event-triggered" about 15 years ago. I think that fact is kind of motivating me to continue my involvement. I had a lot of people to back me up when it happened to me, and that was the only thing that got me through. I don't think he has that many people in his life that he leans on. I'm well aware that I can't "save" him, but I also am well aware that I desperately needed people in my life at that time who were willing to simply be present when I so damn lonely or to listen when I was working through something. Sometimes, if I had been out of communication too long, they just muscled their way in and made me come out for coffee or told me I was going to a movie with them or whatever. Suicide was definitely on the table when I was in my own massive depression 15 years ago. There were no attempts or anything like that, but it was something I kind of kept in a back pocket of my brain as a fallback plan.
In two years of on-and-off communication, he has never once said he didn't want to talk to or see me. When we get together, he's never been anything but happy to see me, even if it was just to spend the evening sitting on the couch in front of the TV. In fact, he's made it clear that he enjoys my company and talking to me. He's perfectly capable of telling me he doesn't want me pestering him, but he hasn't even hinted at it.
So should I just show up at his place? Because we have a romantic history, that just seems weird and stalkerish on one level. But given that he has never once said he wanted me gone, I'm thinking it might be acceptable. And it's something I'd do with any of my friends, male or female - hell, it's something that I HAVE done.
Or do I text and let him know I'll be stopping by unless he says otherwise? It seems like I give him an out then.
Or do I just keep sending him chatty texts and hope he responds at some point? Do I send him a card? I have often sent funny cards to depressed friends, and they've told me it was a really nice surprise to get in the mail.
Between my personal experiences with depression (and my biases on the topic), our limited romantic history and his sudden silence, I'm very confused about whether there is a course of action I should take and what it would be. All I know is that I don't want to add to his stress levels or his other problems. And I am horrified by the idea of him just sitting there marinating in his own misery.
Or do I just walk away? This is the part where I have a purely selfish motivation - if he did harm himself or go into some kind of full collapse, I know I would feel terrible if I hadn't at least made an effort to stay in touch with him and keep him talking.
I'm sorry for the rambling nature of this post. My thoughts on this topic aren't very organized right now.
Since you've experienced a major depressive episode in your life, therefore you understand, if I were you I would muscle my way in for a month or two and see what happens. Don't worry about your past romance unless you cannot control how you respond to him. If he becomes really angry over you muscling your way into his life, then you can move on and not bother him, but since he hasn't ever told you that he doesn't want to see or here from you AND you mentioned the PTSD I think as a good friend and a person who understands depression then you should be more assertive with him like your friends were with you 15 yrs ago.
What I would caution you against is becoming romantically involved with him again for a good long while if he accepts you back into his life. He may have a lot of issues and may not be ready for more romance which can complicate things.
Since you've experienced a major depressive episode in your life, therefore you understand, if I were you I would muscle my way in for a month or two and see what happens. Don't worry about your past romance unless you cannot control how you respond to him. If he becomes really angry over you muscling your way into his life, then you can move on and not bother him, but since he hasn't ever told you that he doesn't want to see or here from you AND you mentioned the PTSD I think as a good friend and a person who understands depression then you should be more assertive with him like your friends were with you 15 yrs ago.
What I would caution you against is becoming romantically involved with him again for a good long while if he accepts you back into his life. He may have a lot of issues and may not be ready for more romance which can complicate things.
At this point, I think any attempt at romance would be just added stress for him. I've backed way off that in the last month or so. And honestly, I don't know how much is left of it by now. He's a mess, and I'm not looking for a partner who's a "project." But I will spend time with a friend who isn't doing so great, ya know? He's an amazing person, but he's also a really messed up person right now.
At this point, I think any attempt at romance would be just added stress for him. I've backed way off that in the last month or so. And honestly, I don't know how much is left of it by now. He's a mess, and I'm not looking for a partner who's a "project." But I will spend time with a friend who isn't doing so great, ya know? He's an amazing person, but he's also a really messed up person right now.
Thanks for the perspective.
You sound like a good friend. I hope things work out there.
All personal motives aside do the HUMANE thing and knock on his door or have a neighbor or family member knock to be sure he is alive.
I had an aunt who had NEVER ever called off work in 25 years of employment. On day 3 of missed work with no call her supervisor went to her home after no answer on the phone and had the property manager and police to check in on her. She had died of a heart attack.
If he gets upset or feels you have intruded on his space just remind him that he shared that he was depressed and that you only followed up out of concern.
All personal motives aside do the HUMANE thing and knock on his door or have a neighbor or family member knock to be sure he is alive.
I had an aunt who had NEVER ever called off work in 25 years of employment. On day 3 of missed work with no call her supervisor went to her home after no answer on the phone and had the property manager and police to check in on her. She had died of a heart attack.
If he gets upset or feels you have intruded on his space just remind him that he shared that he was depressed and that you only followed up out of concern.
I think I'm going to go with texting him that I'm coming over on whatever evening after work, and that I'm bringing a book, so he doesn't have to worry about entertaining me, and I'm just going to hang out unless he has a problem with that and texts me back to let me know that I shouldn't come. Rinse and repeat as needed, I guess.
If I just show up and he's got another woman over, it might just freak him out completely, even if I'd kind of be happy to know he wasn't just sitting at home drinking by himself in front of the TV.
Being a pleasant noodge has always been one of my superpowers, so I guess I should get going with that. If it annoys him, well, at least he'll be feeling something. But honestly, so far he's never reacted to me that way, so I guess we'll see. If he tells me to back off, I will.
I dunno. If someone came over during my depression, it would have made me extremely mad. I didn't want to see people and I sure as heck didn't want them to deal with it. You have to remember this much....men handle depression very differently than women. Typically, they deal with it with anger.
I would probably try and get in touch with him somehow, to find out what he'd like from you. Because maybe in his mind, he's saving you from him and his anger or depression. Maybe he does need you as a friend. And maybe not to both. I would tell him you're coming over on X day at X time. If you get no response, go over. Don't say anything aboout staying, that's intrusive. If you did that to me, I wouldn't answeer the door. If you said you wanted to talk to me to find out what you can do for me, but I wasn't answering my texts, I'd invite you in, so we could talk, then have you leave soon after.
If you recall my posts in the other thread, where you said, "you can do better", well, I didn't get into it, but my xbf suffers from depression and was dealing with his meds not working and him spiraling down into oblivion. It was one reason why he let me go, he didn't want me to have to deal with his depression. He felt no one should have to deal with it. And well, that's how I feel about my own depression, so I understood why he did it.
Just realize, no matter what happens, you know it's not your fault and you also know you reallly can't do anything to help unless he alllows it. You may even have to walk away.
I dunno. If someone came over during my depression, it would have made me extremely mad. I didn't want to see people and I sure as heck didn't want them to deal with it. You have to remember this much....men handle depression very differently than women. Typically, they deal with it with anger.
I would probably try and get in touch with him somehow, to find out what he'd like from you. Because maybe in his mind, he's saving you from him and his anger or depression. Maybe he does need you as a friend. And maybe not to both. I would tell him you're coming over on X day at X time. If you get no response, go over. Don't say anything aboout staying, that's intrusive. If you did that to me, I wouldn't answeer the door. If you said you wanted to talk to me to find out what you can do for me, but I wasn't answering my texts, I'd invite you in, so we could talk, then have you leave soon after.
If you recall my posts in the other thread, where you said, "you can do better", well, I didn't get into it, but my xbf suffers from depression and was dealing with his meds not working and him spiraling down into oblivion. It was one reason why he let me go, he didn't want me to have to deal with his depression. He felt no one should have to deal with it. And well, that's how I feel about my own depression, so I understood why he did it.
Just realize, no matter what happens, you know it's not your fault and you also know you reallly can't do anything to help unless he alllows it. You may even have to walk away.
Good luck.
Thanks!
I think the fact that he has not been angry in my presence at all is kind of what masked the signs of it for me. I've known him 2 years, and while our communication has been spotty, he has been nothing but kind and low-key when we've interacted. He's very much been shielding me from the whole depression thing, and I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to figure it out. I missed very obvious signs, mainly due to my own insecurity and the "he's just not that into you" assumption. I should have been listening to my gut instincts.
I had worked from the assumption that we were just FWB (and I was fine with that), because he would blip out so frequently, but I've come to realize he would disappear and fall out of contact when the depression was too much for him to handle. It's been a very confusing interaction from the beginning, but in the last couple of months things have become much more clear. And apparently he viewed me as much more than FWB, but his mixed messages were turning me all around. And I think my confused reactions to HIS confusing behaviors just freaked him out more and confirmed his depressed POV
Once I started to grasp what was going on, I did send him an email via the dating site we use that basically told him none of his problems were anything that bothered me, except for the drinking, because that was the only thing he had control over. Everything else has been really bad luck, and he's been doing all the things that he should be doing to deal with the adverse events (though not to deal with the depression).
But this has been a real learning curve for me - I've had to get out of the mindset that just because he's disappeared and isn't responding doesn't mean he doesn't want me around. I haven't been in this situation in a long time, and I've become used to implicit boundaries rather than explicit boundaries. Meaning, with the people I generally interact with these days, boundaries are implicit - you just go by their unspoken signals. With him, I need to wait for the explicit boundaries.
I'm a little different than you in that when I'm depressed, I really want people to intrude and insert themselves in my life. I just don't know why they would. I don't know what type of depression you were dealing with, but maybe this is one of the differences between chemical and clinical depression? (By that, I mean wiring vs. event-triggered depression.)
The reason I was planning on telling him I was bringing a book was because in addition to 2 jobs, he's also taking classes online, but he has also said that he just wanted someone to talk and hang out with him. So I figure he won't feel he needs to entertain me and I will just be there, if that's what works for him. He would have no problem telling me he needed me to go - he's done it before when he's had early work days. But yeah, I will skip mentioning the book.
Your ex's actions make much more sense in the context of depression. I'm sorry things shook out that way for you It's a ***** of a problem.
Oh dang. That's a lot to swallow. I totally understand though. I would think mine is more clinical, but honestly I have no clue. Because what triggered my last episode, I have no clue. I was happier than happy with my xbf, but then all of a sudden, I went crazy. My xbf deals with chemical depression, so like your FWB guy, he would try to hide it from me, but I always told him not to. He promised me he wouldn't and after awhile, we figured out a way to make it easier on both of us. But yeah, like your guy, he would kinda just stop talking to me. Unfortunately, we worked together, so I'd just go see him and say, "what's going on?" Which pushed his buttons because he wanted to be alone. Long story short. He had to learn to tell me what was going on. I had to learn to let him have some space.
I'm hoping, this guy can learn to tell you what he needs. Be it space, just someone in his space (meaning, at his house, but like you said, reading a book, doing your own thing, etc), etc. I think a lot of my issues is that I don't like to look weak and as messed up as I was, I felt weak. Therefore, I was angry at myself, hating life, hating everyone, just didn't want to see anyone, etc. And yeah, in that same breath, sad that no one cared. Ugh. Yes, I'm serious. I was a mess! LOL.
Since he has been ghosting on you, probably when his depression has gotten out of control, he clearly doesn't want you to deal with it. HOWEVER, I think it'll be worth it for you to try and talk to him. Let him know you're there for him. In any way. Leaving him alone, chatting on the phone, going over to his house to do nothing, or as my xbf would ask me to do.....just lie in bed with him and let him hold me.
Depression is never easy....on both sides of the coin. I'm sure though, having dealt with it, you get it. Just remind yourself though, not everyone handles it the same way. And some people will lie about what they need/want (saying they want to be alone, when in truth, they really don't, etc). And being an introvert, I really hated the advice of "go out with your friends". Gawd. I'd go out, fake that I was happy, go home, want to kill myself for 1. being fake and 2. being worn out by faking and 3. leaving the house in the first place. So yeah, we all deal with things differently. I really am hoping he can open up to you and allow you in, even a bit, to help him during his dark times.
OP: Don't you have any intuition? Why are you over-thinking this?
If you would go check on a friend, go check on him.
I don't get all the drama and build up.
Just do it.
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My xbf deals with chemical depression, so like your FWB guy, he would try to hide it from me, but I always told him not to. He promised me he wouldn't and after awhile, we figured out a way to make it easier on both of us. But yeah, like your guy, he would kinda just stop talking to me. Unfortunately, we worked together, so I'd just go see him and say, "what's going on?" Which pushed his buttons because he wanted to be alone. Long story short. He had to learn to tell me what was going on. I had to learn to let him have some space. 
