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(sorry it's long)
How do I explain to people -- and do I even have to explain to people -- who had been getting gifts from me every year, that I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm tired and feeling selfish this year.
For the last 15 years, I've been giving gifts to practically everyone I know. And I've loved it. I've loved thinking of something different every year. I've loved being creative about giving a great gift for a low price. And I admit -- I've put the pressure on myself to give a different gift even year.
I guess I must have OVER-obsessed about it -- and put too much pressure on myself -- because now I just am not feeling it this year. I don't know that THEY expect anything. But I can't imagine that if you've gotten a gift from someone for 15 years, that you wouldn't sort of subconsciously realize that you didn't get a gift this year.
Basically I'm just tired to thinking of everyone else when I don't seem to get anything in return. Sure they appreciate it -- but that's just not enough any more. I'm spending my money on them. And some of them don't even call me. If I didn't call them I don't know if they'd ever call me.
Dating back to when I first moved in my house -- I give what I call "schmooze gifts" to my immediate neighbors. Because it can't hurt to suck up to neighbors I give to my yard guy. My walking partner. My doctors and dentist. My hair stylist who fits me in at the last minute. I give to about 5 co-workers who make going to work a bit more pleasant. I give to the work security guards who let me in when I for get my pass (which they don't HAVE to do) And I give to friends as well. And all my siblings and nieces and nephews. All together that's about 55 people. And I do all that for about less than 600 dollars. So it's not like I'm spending a LOT of money. Most people get a $5-$10 "token of appreciate, thinking of you" gift.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm doing all the giving. And no one is thinking about me. I mean…it's about the money. But then again it's not really about the money. That 5-600 a year I spend on gifts is money that I could be saving for ME. But in the grand scheme of things it's not a lot of money….55 gifts for 500-600 is damed good gift giving! If I do say so myself.
What I feel like saying is "I'm tired of giving to every one else and no one gives me squat." But, not all gifts are material things.
And they do give me their friendship, they do give me courtesy at work. My neighbors are good.
I guess I'm just feeling the burden of the pressure I put on myself.
Am I the only one who feels this way. I hope I'm not the only one feeling the pressure to always be "the one who cares?" Sort of like in a family where one person is the one who's always counted on to do the social scheduling and remembering birthdays and anniversaries, and inviting to dinner, or for a weekend. Why can't someone else do it sometimes.
(Why am I even thinking about this now? QVC has a great deal on gift ideas for "christmas in July sale" so IF I'm going to end up giving gifts I might was well order them now. I'd hate to pass up the deals, only to may more for something later.)
It seems that giving to others fulfills a need to be close to others. But the giving isn't reciprocal and that frustrates you, possibly makes you second guess continuing the giving?
Here is an idea. Don't end the giving, change the giving. Host a party, one for a group of people ( Neighbors), Then a different one for a different group (nieces, nephews). You get to spend time with them, enjoy treats (doesn't have to full meal unless you want).
Another idea, enlist another member of the group to help host a party- a parent of a niece, nephew or at work, a co-worker to create a "surprise" party for the rest.
Maybe this will bring you some closeness within your circle of people.
Basically I'm just tired to thinking of everyone else when I don't seem to get anything in return.
The above seemed to me like the crux of your issue.
My adult daughter has a weird hangup about getting gifts. It makes her uncomfortable. She never acknowledges receiving a gift, or thanks anyone for it. Indeed, if you send her a gift for, say, Christmas, and ask about it a couple weeks later, she will say, oh, it's around here somewhere but I haven't had a chance to open it yet. Stuff like that. Strangely, she usually sends a card or email or text or some minimal acknowledgement on birthdays, father's day, Christmas, etc. But never an actual gift.
The cause of this strangeness has been a source of bafflement to my wife and I, but the net result is just what you're describing in the above quote; you get tired when you do something nice for people and there isn't at least basic social reciprocity ... not necessarily a matching gift at some point, but simple acknowledgment and appreciation. So guess what, we have stopped giving gifts to her. My guess is that it's a relief to my daughter as well as to us.
I have just described a typical gifting scenario, just the kind of thing family members generally do for each other to show love and caring and thoughtfulness. Some of the kind of gifting you are describing sounds more compulsive and perhaps needy, and involves people who normally wouldn't expect anything from you. Lacking the context of accepted implied social contracts, these people may even be put off, feeling that you expect something in return although there is no relationship between you that normally involves gifting. Gifts in this context could be seen as a form of emotional blackmail, an attempt to create unwanted intimacy, etc.
So I think it's probably fine to do a reset, to pull back, and perhaps be more selective. Even where gifts are appropriate, you clearly expect more from the recipients than they're able and willing to give, so it has become dysfunctional to continue the practice.
Think also about your motivations for giving gifts. Maybe some gifts can be given because it's the right thing to do, and can be given without conscious expectations, and you can just let go. Usually though I think gifts should be at least acknowledged. And I think if asked why they stopped you can honestly say, the gifts were not acknowledged so I assume they were not desired and didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
I am willing to bet that most of the people will not notice right away that you don't give them a gift.
All the schmooze gifts? Just drop them this year. Take the year off and regroup. Try to show appreciation in other ways throughout the year. Just get yourself off the carousel.
Many of them, like your mailman or hairdresser, CAN'T reciprocate anyway because they have too many customers. So think about why you're doing this and work on dealing with that.
^^ Thanks. It's something to think about…
Gifts to coworkers (and again we're talking about a 5.00 "token of appreciation" gift like chenille slouch socks and a piece of candy) -- are as a "thanks because you make work a nice place, I appreciate you as a co-worker who has my back, and you're not a biotech at work." Sort of work friends….and they DO say "Oh thanks so much." It's only about 4-5 "work friends."
Gifts to the lawn care service guy (in place of a tip) and neighbors are sort of a token thank you as well.
The family gifts are a token of love and affection…and even they are just $5-10.00
I just believe I should show appreciation for the people in my life…even some on the periphery.
My hairstylist doesn't HAVE to squeeze me in when I call at the last minute.
The security guard at work doesn't HAVE to let me in the elevator if I forget my pass. (He COULD say too bad call up stairs and have someone come get you)
I like to thank people and show appreciation when people so something for me they don't HAVE to do. And co-workers don't HAVE to have your back at work. It goes a long way to show you appreciate people, and what they do.
I guess I'm just reevaluating -- because ON THE SURFACE -- I don't seem to have anyone who's showing they appreciate me.
I know they do. But….I guess it'd be nice to be fawned over or shown a bit more attention.
So now I have to ask myself WHY I need that kind of affirmation……oh well….
I guess it'd be nice to be fawned over or shown a bit more attention.
So now I have to ask myself WHY I need that kind of affirmation……oh well….
It WOULD be nice!!!
It's not REALLY a mystery why you would want to be treated every once in a while. But a lot of those people already ARE treating you. Like you said, they work you in, they let you slip past the rules, etc.
However, I want to point out that you are doing something that a lot of people on this forum have trouble with. You're adhering to the true meaning of a GIFT. It's something that is freely given, without strings or expectations.
Most people attach expectations to their gifts, and it really sounds like you are not doing that. You're just missing that feeling of being the recipient instead of the giver. Try not to let that cloud your generosity.
Thanks again for your insights. I guess I just am feeling the burden of being thoughtful.
I was raised to be super thoughtful of others. I was taught it's a ministry to bless other people by being thoughtful of them.
For example:
-- a friend of mine LOVES the color yellow, anything yellow. I was so shocked she loved yellow that ever since I first heard it over a decade ago, when I see something yellow I think of her.
So (years ago) while at the Dollartree I saw yellow glass fruit, the kind you put in a bowl for a centerpiece. I thought right away, "Joanne will love these." And I got her four yellow glass fruit pieces. It was only 4.00 so clearly it wasn't about the money. And she did love the pieces and was so surprised I would think of her when I saw the pieces.
-- Another friend bought her retirement house in Florida…so I thought to frame all kinds of Florida, sunshine, and beach stickers for a framed montage. (Stickers from Michael's and a Dollar Tree frame -- so again not big money.
-- Another friend liked the fruit cake I had one year, so I've been getting her one every year since then.
-- Or if a co-worker and I are getting off at the same time and they take the bus, I'll offer to take them home even if it's a few blocks out of my way.
-- one coworker friend LOVES her dogs. If I happen to see something cute with her dog breed on it, I'll get it for her -- socks, a tote bag, a t-shirt, mugs, car sticker, a rug. Not all at one time those are just some of the things I've gifted over a decade of time. I set the price point at a max of about 10 bucks. And she gives me gifts to. So it's not about the money, per se.
I don't want to come off as saying "Look at poor me, I'm THE most thoughtful person in the world. And no one cares about me, or thinks of me in thoughtful ways." These people DO add to my life. Maybe I'm just in a stretch of feeling like I'm tired of thinking of other people.
Thanks again for your insights. I guess I just am feeling the burden of being thoughtful.
I was raised to be super thoughtful of others. I was taught it's a ministry to bless other people by being thoughtful of them.
For example:
-- a friend of mine LOVES the color yellow, anything yellow. I was so shocked she loved yellow that ever since I first heard it over a decade ago, when I see something yellow I think of her.
So (years ago) while at the Dollartree I saw yellow glass fruit, the kind you put in a bowl for a centerpiece. I thought right away, "Joanne will love these." And I got her four yellow glass fruit pieces. It was only 4.00 so clearly it wasn't about the money. And she did love the pieces and was so surprised I would think of her when I saw the pieces.
-- Another friend bought her retirement house in Florida…so I thought to frame all kinds of Florida, sunshine, and beach stickers for a framed montage. (Stickers from Michael's and a Dollar Tree frame -- so again not big money.
-- Another friend liked the fruit cake I had one year, so I've been getting her one every year since then.
-- Or if a co-worker and I are getting off at the same time and they take the bus, I'll offer to take them home even if it's a few blocks out of my way.
-- one coworker friend LOVES her dogs. If I happen to see something cute with her dog breed on it, I'll get it for her -- socks, a tote bag, a t-shirt, mugs, car sticker, a rug. Not all at one time those are just some of the things I've gifted over a decade of time. I set the price point at a max of about 10 bucks. And she gives me gifts to. So it's not about the money, per se.
I don't want to come off as saying "Look at poor me, I'm THE most thoughtful person in the world. And no one cares about me, or thinks of me in thoughtful ways." These people DO add to my life. Maybe I'm just in a stretch of feeling like I'm tired of thinking of other people.
Yep, it could just be burnout.
I'll tell you something ... I WASN'T raised the way you were. My mom, who had a VERY tough childhood, always wanted me to "get mine," and unfortunately that's the example she set for me. It wasn't until I was in college that I had a couple of friends who, like you, just always thought of others. I experienced the benefit of their selfless acts and went on to pick up those behaviors myself.
My current next-door neighbor, when our kids were younger and would go to camp together, one day mentioned that she always sent an extra snack/item in her son's lunch because there was always gonna be a kid who forgot or just didn't get enough etc. I learned from her as well.
So, if it's ANY consolation, and it may not be, you might just be in a "pay it forward" kind of scenario where you may not directly feel any reciprocity from a majority of your actions, but they still are worth doing.
I also still think it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for you to take a break or at least scale back some of the giving. But it sounds like you would have a hard time giving NOTHING!
^^ I'm glad you feel those people added to your life. That's a good thing.
I want you to know you have helped me, so you have paid it forward today.
When I started this thread I was a bit angry and stressed, and thinking it's time I turned into an "I've got mine, you get yours kind of person." (and commuting and driving everyday in Washington, DC doesn't help)
I don't know yet what I'll do come this holiday season.
For now I'll let those QVC gift ideas get a pass….and I guess I'll figure it out when December gets here. Anything could happen between now and then.
Thanks so much.
Totally get it! I no longer shop for a person if I am not happy and thrilled to do so. I have to be able to give with a happy heart... and so many times over the last 30 years I've given a fantastic well thought out gift and gotten some weird thing or nothing in return. And no thank you, verbal, on Facebook, etc., that's it for me. I spend my hard earned money and don't even get a thank you?!?
No more.
I give to my neighbors - home made cookies at Christmas and when they help me with something throughout the year, I thank them with a 12-pack or bottle of wine. Other people who help me - little things, hair dresser, lawn guy, the car repair shop gets a cake for the break room, etc.
Totally understand where you are, OP and I was feeling hurt that no one thought of me. (Spouse forgot my birthday last year, and trust me, that won't happen again).
Think MORE about your budget. Think about how YOU can enjoy that extra few hundred dollars. I've cut mine in half, literally. I finally don't feel hurt and used at Christmas now. Oh, and I still give more and spend more than I receive in return, but I'm ok with it now because I don't spend much time thinking of special gifts.
In my immediate family as I was growing up with my Mom and Dad, we were givers... not necessarily the super expensive latest item, but well thought out and especially selected gifts. No one cares about that anymore. I have my memories of happy Christmases gone by, they are treasures that I keep close to my heart.
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I give to my yard guy. My walking partner. My doctors and dentist. My hair stylist who fits me in at the last minute. I give to about 5 co-workers who make going to work a bit more pleasant. I give to the work security guards who let me in when I for get my pass (which they don't HAVE to do) And I give to friends as well. And all my siblings and nieces and nephews. All together that's about 55 people. And I do all that for about less than 600 dollars. So it's not like I'm spending a LOT of money. Most people get a $5-$10 "token of appreciate, thinking of you" gift.
