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I had a few questions regarding my ex girlfriend who I loved very much. She dealt with quite a few internal issues and I have a feeling they played a part in our breakup. She broke up with me almost right at a month ago. She's 23 and I'm 26.
We dated for about 5 months and had conversations about getting married in the next year or so. Below is a rundown of things she told me during our time dating.
Keep in mind her parents have been divorced since she was 9 (although they are still heavily involved in her life) and she is an only child. After our 3rd or 4th date, she mentioned that she has Alopecia Universalis and that all of her hair fell out when she was a little girl and she can't grow hair anymore. She wears a wig. I assured her that I was completely fine with this. In fact, I fell for her more after telling me this.
She then starting mentioning through text messages that she blacked out on a few occasions, mentioning hallucinations and that she was basically delusional. She couldn't remember how she got on the bathroom floor and on the living room floor of her apartment. She also suffered from sever migraines. I assumed she was filling her parents in on all of this.
A few months into the relationship, she mentioned to me in person that she had a problem with herself. I asked her if it was psychological and she said, yes. I then asked if it was depression and she said it was. She started crying and said that she was worried it was coming back. She was diagnosed while in college and since being on antidepressants hadn't been having many issues. She was worried it was coming back, though. I told her I felt so bad for her and that I was going to be there for her (although I didn't really understand what that entailed). I also said I understood I wasn't going to be able to "fix" anything.
We continued to date and things continued to get better and better between us. I, at least, thought we were getting a lot closer as a couple. We started saying I love you. She would say "You are my best friend." "You're my soulmate." "I can't imagine life without you." We also started to have conversations about marriage. She introduced me to her mom and her mom really liked me. I introduced her to my parents and they loved her and she really liked me parents. Everything went great until the week before she broke up with me.
We had two dates on a Monday and Tuesday night, two weeks before she had to go to a conference in Nashville. She wanted to see me those nights so she could get her "Jeremy Fix." Both nights were great and we really hit it off well, as usual. She bought the card game "Never Have I Ever" for Tuesday night and we played that. During the game, she made a strange comment that she had a moment recently where she woke up and was naked in her office. She acted like she had no idea how she got there and said it's a good thing no one could see through the blinds. It sounded like this could have been a dissociating episode.
Fast forward a few weeks later, she flew to Nashville for her conference. I tried to get in touch with her a few days later to see if she had made it, but heard no response. Keep in mind, we had been at least texting everyday since we met. She finally got back to me, and came across as a completely different person. Treating me almost as if I were a stranger. We had plans to meet my sister for dinner that following Saturday night. On Thursday, she told me she was flying in that night and wanted to see me the following night. She also agreed to stick to our plans for Saturday night. I thought everything was good between us. We agreed to meet at a wine bar around 7 the following night.
I got to the wine bar the next night and she was already inside with a glass of wine. I noticed she was dressed very different, had a new wig on, and was slouched over with a very different posture than I had seen with her. I hugged her, kissed her, and sat down. I noticed she had already gotten me a glass of red wine. She asked me how my family was. She then leaned in and acted like she was about to ask me if I wanted to go somewhere after we had our wine, but then she got a serious look in her face, moved back, and said I know you like red wine, but there's another reason I got it for you. You're going to need it....
She said she thinks it could be the age difference (She's 23, I'm 26) and the fact that she's only been in one meaningful relationship in her whole life. Her delivery was so different than the girl I've known. Gender neutral, cold, calculated, emotionless. She was wearing a pretty thick coat, new wavy wig. This was in Texas and the weather was in the 80s. I asked her if it was another guy and she said no it had nothing to do with guys. I then got a little emotional and she reared her head back and had the weirdest look of confusion on her face. We then decided to leave. I was still so confused, but she said nothing. As we walked into the parking lot I just said "Good Luck" and she said casually "You too." I swear it seemed like she didn't know what she was doing. Like a robot.
Within an hour, her mom had contacted me and apologized for what had happened. She said she was shocked by the news, too, because just a few days ago she had been talking about making plans to spend her life with me. Within the next 10 days or so, her mom was in contact with me trying to help me understand what happened. She made it clear that she was dealing with mental problems. She said when she pushes people away, the best thing to do when you're on the receiving end is to give her a wide berth and let her circle back to you after she gets out of her head. She seemed aware that she has issues, but also seemed surprised by the things I told her that her daughter mentioned to me during the time we've dated. She seemed very concerned and apologetic for our relationship.
Within a few days after the break up, I tried reaching out to her for answers and to let her know I just want her to be happy and I love her. I'm always here as a friend. Her texts were very different than she's been in the past. She is a bit of a "grammar Nazi" and she lacked proper grammar in most of her texts from that point on. They were also very direct and to the point. It sounded like I was talking to a parent or a guy. She said it's not that she didn't have feelings for me, whatsoever. She just said she's trying to understand her feelings.
A few weeks later, I noticed her activity on Facebook was very different than I've ever seen. She started posting jokes as facebook statuses that were very dark and scientific. She was way more active on facebook than usual. She also posted a strange post that said, "I'd quit calling your asexual relationships "platonic". It does not mean what you think it means." It seemed as if she was speaking to herself on facebook. Very strange comment to make. She deleted it within a few minutes. Keep in mind, she said she was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage when we dated.
That was the last time she's posted anything. A few days ago, I noticed a guy coworker of hers posted pictures of the two of them at a Reneissance Festival and at a Haunted House for Halloween (she had bought tickets for the two of us to go to the Haunted House and I had already bought my costume before she broke up with me). She was again dressed in a thick coat, new wig, and had a crown of flowers on her head. She looked very different. I don't think there's anything going on between them. I honestly think they're just friends, but I find all of her behavior to really be pointing towards an identity disorder. A few more things I wanted to mention are below. These are all keywords of things she's told me directly about herself and things she's dealt with. Do you think this could be schizophrenia? Thanks so much for reading all of this! I would really appreciate any insight into what may be going on with her.......
Hallucinations, blackouts, delusional, migraines, Alopecia Universalis, Depression, Fascinated by horror/gore/demonic possession, obsessed with Frasier (so am I, but more for the humor), has asthma/allergies, allergic to shellfish and tree nuts, talks to herself, has conversations with herself, speaks in different voices when alone, mentioned multiple personalities casually, says she can be thoughtless at times, says she's too good to be true and she doesn't deserve me, says she does stupid things a lot, only wants to text, if she doesn't get adequate sleep she can get into zombie like state, drinks a lot of caffeine, says she has a lot of addictions, parents divorced/only child, mentioned she hardly ever thinks about sex, says she's a virgin and wants to wait until marriage, alludes to the fact that she may be asexual on facebook, mentioned she's obsessed with 50 shades of grey and has a rape/tied up fantasy, mentioned she found herself naked in her office and didn't know how that happened, said things to me like "You save me" "You're my best friend" "You're my soul mate" "I can't imagine life without you." Wanted to have a quick wedding/honeymoon, pushed me away and broke up with me out of the blue, dressed/talked/acted like a calculated/emotionless/gender neutral person, came across as a big brother, texted differently with me, using social media differently, mom strangely reached out to me after breakup, has adults in her life that seem to serve as caretaker or support system from afar for her both on social media and in everyday life, mentioned "Whenever I'm about to do something scary/controversial/risky/potentially dumb, I think well, once it's over Jeremy will still love me. That helps a lot." I found this comment to be strange. Mentioned she was scared and overwhelmed. Everyone thinks she has it all together, but she doesn't. She's afraid she won't be able to handle what's coming up. Says she has helicopter parents on her 24/7. Has other pictures on facebook where she looks and is dressed like a completely different person. Has home intrusion dreams, paranoid about people breaking into her apartment, anxious, heard neighbors "having sex" five nights in a row in the apartment next to hers, spends a lot of time alone and watching shows on her computer, says she often sits in a corner in the dark, says when she sees herself in the mirror without her wig on she feels like she looks like a different species. Again, thank you for reading. Any input would be greatly appreciated.....
I don't know if it's Schizophrenia, but this isn't just your basic case of depression. She's definitely got some very significant mental issues going on that probably will require for the rest of her life constant medical treatment/monitoring and lots of medication just to keep her relatively "normal". If this is schizophrenia/bipolar/something similar, know that it can never be cured, it can only be controlled. How well it can be controlled varies with each person. If someone knows they have a problem, gets treatment and always follows that treatment to the letter, then it's possible for them to lead a relatively normal life. Unfortunately, many with conditions like this deny they have a problem, will not get treatment or will stop treatment as soon as they feel better, which then causes them to get sick again.
People with untreated mental illness spend their lives on a roller coaster, taking anyone close to them along for the ride. This emotional ride is very tough on the spouse and family and makes for a very challenging, mentally exhausting life, especially if kids eventually become involved. Not to mention children of a mentally ill person are a lot more likely to have their own mental issues, either inherited or created from spending their childhood living with an untreated mentally ill parent.
I know when you're young it seems like love can conquer anything, but it really can't. Having a spouse with an significant mental illness brings many a lifetime of struggles and heartache. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but your girlfriend just did you a huge favor by breaking up with you before you got too deep into a relationship. If you really think you want to be with her, give it a few months to see if she contacts you again. You should not contact her. If she contacts you and tells you that she's getting treatment and is on medication, maybe give it another try. She desperately needs some type of medical diagnosis and a treatment plan; until that happens, it's not worth the mental and emotional stress to you to be in a relationship with her. Without treatment, the bizarre behavior you describe will only get worse, not better.
If she doesn't contact you within 6 months or so, move on and find yourself a girl who doesn't come with so much baggage.
Last edited by patches403; 11-04-2016 at 12:13 PM..
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I can't tell you how much your advice helps. My parents have been trying to help me work through it and we all agree that she was doing me a big favor. It's sad, but I'm fortunate to find out now and be able to move on. Thanks again for your kind words and advice!
OP, we're not in a position to make a diagnosis. But it doesn't matter what it is; clearly, it's a lot of "baggage", and the seeming changes of personality means a relationship won't be possible.
And honestly, 5 months of dating seems way too fast to be talking about marriage. And you found out why 5 months is way to soon; you didn't really know her. It's not enough time to get to know anyone deeply enough to discuss marriage. Sure there are exceptions, but that's a pretty good general rule.
Thanks so much for your advice. You're right. I don't know what particular diagnosis she has, but clearly she has a lot going on in her head and a relationship is the last thing she should be involved in right now. I definitely dodged a bullet. Thanks again!
Thank you for your comment. I agree that we're not in a position to make a diagnosis. It is a lot of baggage and I'm very thankful that things have turned out the way that they have. You are exactly right about 5 months being too soon to talk about marriage. I got swept into some of it because she was very smart about showing me her "best" side and hiding her other sides from me. Thanks again for your advice! It really means a lot.
Based on what you have narrated, along with the clinical experience I have, I don't get the sense that your former girlfriend is schizophrenic. As a psychotherapist, it would be unethical of me to diagnose someone who I've never met, and have only read about online.
My sense is that her mother most likely knows what her diagnosis is, as she made a point of reaching out to you. All I can say is that I agree with the above member: You should probably abandon any prospects of an ongoing relationship with her, as my sense is that she is unable to engage in a long term, meaningful and committed relationship.
There are many diagnoses that mimic or are similar to schizophrenia. Without asking her directly what, if anything she has been diagnosed with, you are left up in the air. I will tell you that there are a myriad of characterlogical disorders that are differential diagnoses. --But based on what you have said, I can't get a handle on what her problem is, and like I said, cannot diagnose someone online....
My advice is to move on with your own life; this is clearly not something that you can manage, as only a professional is equipped to do so...
Thank you so much for your advice. I agree that her mother probably knows more than she's letting on (understandably) based on the fact that she reached out to me so quickly. It's sad to see someone struggle through such issues, but I agree that I need to move on with my life. Thankfully, things weren't strung along any longer. Again, I REALLY appreciate your advice and taking the time to give it. It means so much and really helps me in moving forward.
Take care.
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