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My wife is a Christian so she took me to see the paster before we married. The paster did give an education about how marriage is and this and that, not as elaborate as holding hands to act out how we deal with holidays, but I remember there was similar message. But my wife was a different person back then.
Some of our common work colleagues (we met at work place) had later wondered to me why I would marry her, because in their experience my wife was very demanding and hard to get along with. But at the time I did not feel that. I'll tell ya, my wife was like a cheerful little poodle to me during the 8 years we knew each other and 4 years we dated before getting married. Now she's like a full grown German shepherd.
Probably another topic for another day in the Psychology forum.
I am assuming you are not Christian. It's pastor, not paster. What religion are you and what religion are your kids being raised in?
It's nice to take your wife to a marriage counselor to set her straight. Kinda like taking your car to Meineke to get it fixed up, right?
It does sound like you and your wife talk at each other instead of talking to each other. There is a common ground in there somewhere in which both of you can be happy, you just have to be open enough to understand where that common ground is.
But going to a marriage counselor and trying to get the counselor to take your side sounds like the rationale of a five-year old.
Do yourself a favor and think about what a counselor can do to improve your marriage and not just your standing within the marriage.
You might be surprised at how many couples approach counseling that way. They believe the counselor will say they are right and the spouse is wrong and he/she needs to do whatever the spouse says. I have a friend who is a psychologist/marriage counselor and he says it happens with some frequency.
My parents had a terrible marriage. My mother snuck out to see a marriage counselor for 6 months thinking she would get the counselor 'on her side' before she brought my father in. Well, that was a huge disappointment. When my mother brought my father into counseling the counselor actually listen to him! The counselor refused to tell Dad that he was always wrong and he needed to do whatever his wife wanted.
My mother went nuts. She HATED it and quit because the counselor wouldn't say Mom was always right and Dad was always wrong. My father continued the counseling for several years. It was great for him, the healthiest he had ever been. My mother constantly fussed at him to stop. She even tried to get my brother and I make to our father stop getting help. We refused and she was furious. She said the more Dad went to see the counselor, 'the worse he gets', which meant he was less likely to do everything she demanded and finally began to assert himself and have some say in the marriage and in his own life. I am so grateful he got that help. Better late than never!
I am assuming you are not Christian. It's pastor, not paster. What religion are you and what religion are your kids being raised in?
I have no religion. The theories make no sense to me, but I do appreciate the god-fearing aspect of religion because many of my Christian people are the nicest people you can meet, and I think religion is a big part of the reason.
My wife takes my kids to Christian church occasionally. I join only on special events like Christmas eve. But she sends my kids to a Catholic school because it is a good school supposedly. I really don't know if this would be confusing to the kids.
I have no religion. The theories make no sense to me, but I do appreciate the god-fearing aspect of religion because many of my Christian people are the nicest people you can meet, and I think religion is a big part of the reason.
My wife takes my kids to Christian church occasionally. I join only on special events like Christmas eve. But she sends my kids to a Catholic school because it is a good school supposedly. I really don't know if this would be confusing to the kids.
I have to say that you sound really detached from your kids. Forget your wife for a minute. Do your kids like going to birthday parties? (I still don't understand your issue with that, to be honest). Do your kids like taking adventurous vacations? Do your kids like living near their grandparents? And as their father, I don't understand how you can not know whether their school is a good one or not. They're YOUR kids. Didn't YOU do any research on schools before sending them to one?
I get the impression that you just don't want to be involved with your whole family, not just your wife - don't go to church with them, don't like the vacations, don't want to live near the in-laws, don't understand why they want to go to parties, etc.
Last edited by CarnivalGal; 05-22-2017 at 01:18 PM..
I have to say that you sound really detached from your kids. Forget your wife for a minute. Do your kids like going to birthday parties? (I still don't understand your issue with that, to be honest). Do your kids like taking adventurous vacations? Do your kids like living near their grandparents? And as their father, I don't understand how you can not know whether their school is a good one or not. Their YOUR kids. Didn't YOU do any research on schools before sending them to one?
I get the impression that you just don't want to be involved with your whole family, not just your wife - don't go to church with them, don't like the vacations, don't want to live near the in-laws, don't understand why they want to go to parties, etc.
I'm not as engaged because I am quite tired of the suburban life that has been prescribed for me. My kids love birthday parties of course; birthday parties mean candy and toys. But it's really a waste of time and energy and it is just so often. In some stretches of the year I find myself blowing one whole afternoon every other weekend on these things. And there is a cost element too; parents are getting more and more elaborate about these parties; some hire professional kids entertainers for these events; some rent out these party facilities, some take kids to art studio for painting. I once estimated a party can cost as much as $2000. Crazy if you ask me.
But I still go along with these activities, partly because I don't want to debate my wife about it (been there done that), but partly because I trust she only has the best intentions for the kids, even though I often don't agree with her approach.
I'm not as engaged because I am quite tired of the suburban life that has been prescribed for me. My kids love birthday parties of course; birthday parties mean candy and toys. But it's really a waste of time and energy and it is just so often. In some stretches of the year I find myself blowing one whole afternoon every other weekend on these things. And there is a cost element too; parents are getting more and more elaborate about these parties; some hire professional kids entertainers for these events; some rent out these party facilities, some take kids to art studio for painting. I once estimated a party can cost as much as $2000. Crazy if you ask me.
But I still go along with these activities, partly because I don't want to debate my wife about it (been there done that), but partly because I trust she only has the best intentions for the kids, even though I often don't agree with her approach.
But when you decide to have a family (i.e. kids), that's what you do. You do what is best for them. That is your job - to raise them to be happy, well-adjusted adults. Honestly, these things ARE what's best for your kids. It's not about you. Do you want your kids to remember you as the grumpy guy who never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with them? Or do you want you kids to grow up with fond memories of their dad, birthday parties, vacations, etc.? If you are not paying $2000 for the party, what do you care? How can you consider things a "waste of time and energy" if they are making your kids feel loved and happy, which will help them be productive and happy adults? I just can't wrap my head around that.
Not much value to me because we are rather sane people; while we may raise voice we don't escalate to anything beyond that (at least I don't). So, the result of that session was not any different from our bickering at home.
OP, you only went to one session? Maybe she was evaluating your arguing styles, to see if you fight "mean" or fight "fair", for example. She may have been planning to discuss communication styles at the next session. You can always ask her what her methods are, and what she can do for you. (Did you look at her website, to see if there's any description of her methodology?) After you've learned what her approach to marriage counseling is, you can decide if it's a good fit for you, and if not, you can move on and try a different counselor.
If you're expecting her to take your side, that's not usually how it works.
I'm not as engaged because I am quite tired of the suburban life that has been prescribed for me. My kids love birthday parties of course; birthday parties mean candy and toys. But it's really a waste of time and energy and it is just so often. In some stretches of the year I find myself blowing one whole afternoon every other weekend on these things. And there is a cost element too; parents are getting more and more elaborate about these parties; some hire professional kids entertainers for these events; some rent out these party facilities, some take kids to art studio for painting. I once estimated a party can cost as much as $2000. Crazy if you ask me.
But I still go along with these activities, partly because I don't want to debate my wife about it (been there done that), but partly because I trust she only has the best intentions for the kids, even though I often don't agree with her approach.
Do you have a family budget? Would a $2000 party exceed the budget? How many kids do you have? If an expensive party exceeds your budget, then you have solid ground for discussion. If there are 3 kids, $6000/year for birthday parties seems like it would eat into the college fund or retirement fund significantly.
If, OTOH, you have money to burn, then it doesn't much matter, except for the principle of the thing. Kids don't need $2000 parties, or even $1000 parties. If it were me, I'd spend money on music lessons and various things, if the child showed interest and talent in certain directions, rather than spending on parties.
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