How to handle being shamed and criticized for having pets over children (attractive, people)
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Mmmmm- I suspect women who get "angry or nasty" do so because they are put in the position by both society and thoughtless people of having to defend their choice of not having children. I am 65 and routinely get asked whether I have children/grandchildren (and/or husband). I also suspect that these same women whom you perceive as getting angry or nasty do so only as a last resort when someone doesn't know enough to leave well enough alone and pushes for answers that aren't any of their business.
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Originally Posted by newtovenice
Those are standard questions, just like when a stay at home mom gets asked if she ever had a job. If you as the person being asked get annoyed at these questions, it's on YOU, not the person asking them.
They are innocuous, small talk, conversation-making questions. If you don't want to talk about it, that's your choice. There is no need to get mad or nasty about it. Some people have kids and don't want to talk about them. Some people have jobs and don;t want to talk about them. For some reason people who don'l;t have kids get so very angry when asked about it. It's kinda strange.
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
There's no need to defend a choice not to have children, and it's odd that someone asking an innocuous question such as "do you have children?" would feel attacked.
Now if a person got intrusive and starting asking why not, I can see the need to shut them down, but very few people are going to actually ask that.
This is a perfect example of why people who are single and/or don't have children get annoyed. In the bolded part above, I offered an explanation for why some people might get testy, and instead of saying you understand or I see your point, you come back and say that these are just standard questions and that it is on ME if I don't like the question. It may be a "standard" question some people ask, but that doesn't mean that it should be asked. It certainly isn't standard in my social set.
And- it doesn't have anything to do with feeling attacked- where did that come from?
In this day and age there are numerous reasons why someone might not have or might not want children. Why would you want to put someone on the spot where they may feel they either have to explain themselves or get testy and shut down the conversation. And then when they get testy about it your comeback is, well, it is a standard question. It may be a standard question, but if the answer is "no", then what? What is your expectation if I were to simply say "no". Would you change the subject? Most people don't back off. They say they are sorry or ask why as if there is something sad about not having children (!) or that you owe them an explanation. And again, you wonder why people get defensive or testy?
The question "do you have children" shuts down the possibility of other life choices. There are other questions that aren't so laden with sub-text that open up the line of conversation of family while still allowing the other person to share as they wish and not feel put into a corner. E.g. "do you have family in the area" or "did you grow up around here" or any one of a number of other neutral questions.
BTW- I cannot believe that people are asking SAHM whether they once worked.
The notion of personal privacy, respect, and boundaries seems to have fallen by the wayside. IMHO some information needs to be organically volunteered through the course of normal conversation and the growth of a friendship, and some questions are just too presumptuous to ask.
This is a perfect example of why people who are single and/or don't have children get annoyed. In the bolded part above, I offered an explanation for why some people might get testy, and instead of saying you understand or I see your point, you come back and say that these are just standard questions and that it is on ME if I don't like the question. It may be a "standard" question some people ask, but that doesn't mean that it should be asked. It certainly isn't standard in my social set.
And- it doesn't have anything to do with feeling attacked- where did that come from?
In this day and age there are numerous reasons why someone might not have or might not want children. Why would you want to put someone on the spot where they may feel they either have to explain themselves or get testy and shut down the conversation. And then when they get testy about it your comeback is, well, it is a standard question. It may be a standard question, but if the answer is "no", then what? What is your expectation if I were to simply say "no". Would you change the subject? Most people don't back off. They say they are sorry or ask why as if there is something sad about not having children (!) or that you owe them an explanation. And again, you wonder why people get defensive or testy?
The question "do you have children" shuts down the possibility of other life choices. There are other questions that aren't so laden with sub-text that open up the line of conversation of family while still allowing the other person to share as they wish and not feel put into a corner. E.g. "do you have family in the area" or "did you grow up around here" or any one of a number of other neutral questions.
BTW- I cannot believe that people are asking SAHM whether they once worked.
The notion of personal privacy, respect, and boundaries seems to have fallen by the wayside. IMHO some information needs to be organically volunteered through the course of normal conversation and the growth of a friendship, and some questions are just too presumptuous to ask.
From you saying you felt the need to defend your choice not to have children. You don't have to. If someone says, "do you have children?", and you don't, the answer is "No." If they then persist in asking why or why not of some other intrusive question, then they are out of line.
To say it shuts down the possibility of other life choices is not the general perception or intent of most people who would ask that question. Very few people would have an inkling that you take it that way.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 05-30-2017 at 09:35 PM..
"From you saying you felt the need to defend your choice not to have children. You don't have to. If someone says, "do you have children?", and you don't, the answer is "No." If they then persist in asking why or why not of some other intrusive question, then they are out of line."
When asked, I answer, "No; never wanted any," which answers that question, too. Easy-peasy!
The question "do you have children" shuts down the possibility of other life choices.
Huh? How so?
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The notion of personal privacy, respect, and boundaries seems to have fallen by the wayside. IMHO some information needs to be organically volunteered through the course of normal conversation and the growth of a friendship, and some questions are just too presumptuous to ask.
Would you consider it rude, presumptuous, intrusive, disrespectful of your privacy, or a loaded question if someone, in the course of casual conversation, asked, "Do you have pets?" Or just, "Do you have children?"
"From you saying you felt the need to defend your choice not to have children. You don't have to. If someone says, "do you have children?", and you don't, the answer is "No." If they then persist in asking why or why not of some other intrusive question, then they are out of line."
When asked, I answer, "No; never wanted any," which answers that question, too. Easy-peasy!
"From you saying you felt the need to defend your choice not to have children. You don't have to. If someone says, "do you have children?", and you don't, the answer is "No." If they then persist in asking why or why not of some other intrusive question, then they are out of line."
When asked, I answer, "No; never wanted any," which answers that question, too. Easy-peasy!
That's good!
Or, you can keep the conversation going by answering, "No, I don't, do you?"
Unfortunately, people that have kids have trouble understanding why someone else does not. As a parent of 3, grandparent of 2, I cannot really describe how much it means to me, yet I would not ever try to convince anyone else to have kids. It's none of my business. Maybe they are jealous of the financial benefits you have without the quarter-million now estimated to raise a kid to age 18. I'm afraid there really isn't much you can do about it.
Treat your pets even more like kids. Pull out pictures of them at gatherings and gush over how they're growing up to be so big and strong; I do plan to do that when I finally get somewhere I can own pets again. These people talking about their kids and grandkids might learn how it feels, and I won't feel so left out! Really, though, just stop caring what everyone thinks. If they won't let it go, it's their problem. I would totally take pets over people at this stage in my life. I don't think I'll be ready to have kids until I'm pretty old.
I agree that your having animals instead of children is nobody's business. How about you don't tell people?
If you go around wanting to share stories about the cute thing your cat did....people don't want to hear it.
I admit, when I picture a house with lizards, fish, etc. what I picture doesn't look, or smell, very good.
How to handle being criticized for having pets over children? Just tell them that their choice of having a family is equally as selfish as any other. Most parents say that it was a life-changing event, they are better and more fulfilled, etc, but that is all about THEM. What about the person they brought into the world? Some day that kid will learn the truth, that they and everyone they know will be dust someday, maybe tomorrow or 80 years. That's the fun part That we're all going to cross the threshold of death and no one really knows what is on the other side. In the meantime their Earthly existence will be marked by large stretches of tedium, frequent worry and anxiety, punctuated by brief joy and the occasional soul-crushing event. But hey, as long as the new parents feel better about their previously empty lives, who cares about the soul they invited to this horror show.
Ask them if their genetic material is so precious to the future of the earth that it's worth the hundreds of extra tons of CO2 their child will produce over its lifetime, on the off chance the kid will come up with cure for influenza?
Someone who decides to have pets, they're getting to take care of a creature which lives, as far as we know without awareness of its mortality. A dog or cat probably doesn't think about what will happen next year. In return for food, housing, and upkeep, a dog provides an alarm system, dogs and cats get people to exercise more, and they reduce stress.
Overall you will worry less, pay less, and have fewer grey hairs with pets vs kids. I've heard a lot of people say if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't even though they love their children.
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