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OP I am sure there is more to your story. People believe what they believe in and when it comes to God and gays the real hardliners tow the line. My question to you is why did you feel the need to go back after a few years of being away? In addition, do you really know what you are and what you want? At 33 years old you are no longer a child and shouldn't have to struggle with parental acceptance, or, inner self-acceptance. You need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself do I like the person staring back at me and what can I do to make myself happy. We all want to make our parents happy yes, we all strive for that acceptance and there will always be a part of you that will feel incomplete if you know they aren't truly happy with your life's decisions. However, is that small part of your happiness worth all of your life's happiness. If you aren't happy living the life they want you to live you are doing yourself an incredible disservice. Why even be alive if you are unhappy and miserable. You are ultimately responsible for your happiness just as your parents are responsible for their happiness and so on and so forth. Figure it out and move on one way or the other. Good luck.
Ruth4Truth - even Colorado is in somewhat of a Bible Belt, unfortunately. We have lots of "transplants" from other states here. I've noticed our country is moving more toward this type of judgmental belief system. I think about this often now since I keep running into more and more people who think like this...not just with gays, but lots of other things, too. Where has the unconditional love that Jesus talked about gone? Years ago, my church (won't mention which denomination or hame of church) had a short workshop about homosexuality. We had two ministers, both PhD's. Super intelligent and empathic ministers. The minister who put this talk together - along with some very good print outs - probably at least 20 pages - from the Bible - did an exceptional job. The end result was that the Bible does not condemn gays. I was very glad to see this because I've always had gay friends and know the problems they can have.
I have read about these processes that are supposed to cleanse gays of their gayness. This is very abusive and damaging to the human spirit, IMO, and is not something anyone should try. Accept yourself, find friends who accept you and don't judge you. Be very selective about the people you allow to come into your life. You are OK just the way you are.
Well, there's Colorado, and then there's--Colorado. There are conservative communities, and liberal ones. Also, there's a church in Denver, I think it's Lutheran (?), that's extremely ecumenical, multi-cultural (includes Buddhist, Hindu and Native American spiritual leaders), and is activist on behalf of marginalized communities, including gays. There are hippie communities and alternative-energy communities, and all kinds of subcultures around Colorado. That's why I included it, in the list of potentially good fits for the OP. If he ever gets to the point of being ready to move, and is considering CO, he could post on the CO forum, for more specific recommendations and info.
OP I am sure there is more to your story. People believe what they believe in and when it comes to God and gays the real hardliners tow the line. My question to you is why did you feel the need to go back after a few years of being away? In addition, do you really know what you are and what you want? At 33 years old you are no longer a child and shouldn't have to struggle with parental acceptance, or, inner self-acceptance. You need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself do I like the person staring back at me and what can I do to make myself happy. We all want to make our parents happy yes, we all strive for that acceptance and there will always be a part of you that will feel incomplete if you know they aren't truly happy with your life's decisions. However, is that small part of your happiness worth all of your life's happiness. If you aren't happy living the life they want you to live you are doing yourself an incredible disservice. Why even be alive if you are unhappy and miserable. You are ultimately responsible for your happiness just as your parents are responsible for their happiness and so on and so forth. Figure it out and move on one way or the other. Good luck.
Good question and it's one I ask myself quite frequently. I have to look at where I was mentally in 2010.
It really comes down to the fact that I could no longer deal with their passive-aggressive bullying tactics. Not long before my relapse my mom had told me she was praying for her own death so that the pain I would endure losing her would propel me to return to the Lord and do conversion therapy. I had a lot of nostalgia for days when I had a better relationship with them. I also saw first hand how legitimately hurt my parents were due to my sexual orientation. In their mind, it was a choice I made and I was living in sin and was going to go to hell. Their lives were falling apart because they were having a difficult time handling the fact that I was gay. A big part of it was their own narcissism and the fact that they were embarrassed/worried about their fellow churchmembers finding out they had a gay son. It had reached a point where I either had to submit or cut ties completely. At 24, I was not at a point where I could cut ties so I decided to submit. I also was not fully deconverted from Christianity at the time. There was still a part of me that believed that I was living in sin and when I went to church while visiting my parents in May 2010, I felt extremely guilty about my orientation. I went to the altar to ask for a sign from God but my dad pressured me into rededicating my life to the Lord. I remember a deep, overwhelming sense of dread after that church service. I don't think I had ever seen my parents as happy as they were in that moment. I knew that I would have to go back into the closet. In hindsight that was the worst thing I could have done. That started me down the path the led me to where I'm at today.
I have made internal progress. Finally as of 2017 I could admit to myself that I was in fact still gay and that I wasn't going to be able to change it. I also stopped believing in Christianity last year after a season of being disillusioned with the faith after conversion therapy (but still afraid to leave). I would say I'm more stable now than I've been in a long time. Still, the reality I am living in now is the result of choices I made to please my parents. Due to my sheltered fundamentalist upbringing I was behind for my age even at 24, before all of this. Now, at 32 going on 33, I am wondering if there is hope at all or if my life is too far gone. At 32 going on 33 I am behind where I was in many ways at 24 and I also don't have the options open to me now that I did back then. I made my choices and am stuck with them.
Well, there's Colorado, and then there's--Colorado. There are conservative communities, and liberal ones. Also, there's a church in Denver, I think it's Lutheran (?), that's extremely ecumenical, multi-cultural (includes Buddhist, Hindu and Native American spiritual leaders), and is activist on behalf of marginalized communities, including gays. There are hippie communities and alternative-energy communities, and all kinds of subcultures around Colorado. That's why I included it, in the list of potentially good fits for the OP. If he ever gets to the point of being ready to move, and is considering CO, he could post on the CO forum, for more specific recommendations and info.
Ruth4Truth - you are right. Need to check out the Lutheran church you mention, just so I have it as a resource. I'm a participant in all types of religions, as you have mentioned. I belong to a non-traditional church. But I also know people here who are very traditional and not open minded. Those people aren't in my circle of friends. If the OP is super-sensitive, possibly an empath, there may not be a single geographic area that will be as accepting as what he needs. I'm a member of a closed online group for empaths, for example, which has been a wonderful resource and support system.
I've also found Abraham-Hicks to be a very good resource for supporting positive change. There are Facebook pages as well as YouTube videos that are like taking classes. Sure wish City Data had Abraham-Hicks in some form.
Bawac34618 you didn't deserve the multiple ways you were treated in Oklahoma. No one deserves that type of treatment. I wish you well on your journey to find your new home. I think you will find it. Never give up!
As for being like a teenager living at home, I definitely think that is an accurate description for my first few years after moving back to Oklahoma. These days I've been trying to put some distance from my family. While I am not at the point I really should be, it would be easier to stand my ground now than it was back then. The distance has allowed me to come to terms with a lot of things that I couldn't have with my parents more involved in my life.
I know. I should be well beyond this kind of stuff at this age. This is stuff that people in their early twenties typically deal with. Truth is, I have been down this road before but ended up submitting to my parents. The result has been that I have lost almost a decade of my life and am going to have to re-live some of the most difficult times I ever had to live through in order to break free again.
It's unclear to me but are you still living at home now?
Read Toxic Parents... by Susan Forward- it will open your eyes and will give you the chance to recognize your anger and the courage to break free.
I don't want to criticize you if you're in a lot of pain, but it's difficult for me to relate, in some sense, to your concerns. I so hated all the sanctimonious, racist crap my family tried to pass off as thinking, I told mother when I was 12 that as soon as an was 18, I was leaving. I made it out by 17 by moving into a college dorm, and supported myself playing the violin and waitressing. I wasn't having any of it.
I wasn't gay but I disagreed with them about everything, and they would have screaming sessions with me, bolstered by an aunt and uncle, telling me I was going to hell, ad nauseam. It was pretty horrible.
Get out of there!!
BTW, if you must have a church home, look at the Unitarians. If I were to go to church, which I'm not, I'd go there.
bawac34618, you state: I am choosing to stay in this situation because I don't want to shake things up with my family.
Really!? Ya don't wanna 'shake things up' after that dumpster fire you experienced?
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
At this point you haven't got enough 'nads to be a full grown man, much less a GAY one!
Waiting two years will allow the transition to be much smoother. The situation I went through previously was quite traumatizing and I'm not sure I have what it takes to go through that again.
But you'd rather wallow in impotent anger and self-loathing instead?
Dude, it's no longer 1968, but I suggest you see 'The Boys in the Band' to see the terrible cost of such internalized hatred.
It is existential SUICIDE.
I've always thought the Bible wasn't quite as cut and dry on homosexuality as fundamentalists try to say it is..
Use the Bible to start a campfire. Make s'mores and invite some cute dudes to share them with you.
I have lost almost a decade of my life
Forget the past..you are whining and it's very unattractive.
..and am going to have to re-live some of the most difficult times I ever had to live through in order to break free again.
Hell NO you don't.
Chuck the soul-sucking parents.
And get a boyfriend...yesterday!
I have no idea why you let your parents convince you to go to "gay away" camp. There is nothing wrong with you and you are really causing your own problems by allowing your parents to convince you that you are broken. You are not broken, you are who you are. And who you are is a person who happens to be gay, no different than a person who is left handed or has red hair.
Grow a pair and stop allowing your parents and their antiquated views cause you so much pain.
I am wondering if there is hope at all or if my life is too far gone.
This is crazy. You are 32, I assume you are healthy, and you wonder if your life is already too far gone? Come on now, as others (including myself) have pointed out you are completely responsible for the situation you find yourself in. Stop allowing your parents to ruin your life, and with the quote above it's obvious that this is exactly what is happening.
You gotta ask yourself what is more important: living a happy life of your own choosing or being miserable just to please your parent with a lie. I think we all know the answer to this question. So quit F-ing around and take control of your life. Now!
Last edited by DaveinMtAiry; 05-06-2018 at 07:59 AM..
so where will the OP want to be in 5 years. Start now to set this up.
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