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OP I am sure there is more to your story. People believe what they believe in and when it comes to God and gays the real hardliners tow the line. My question to you is why did you feel the need to go back after a few years of being away? In addition, do you really know what you are and what you want? At 33 years old you are no longer a child and shouldn't have to struggle with parental acceptance, or, inner self-acceptance. You need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself do I like the person staring back at me and what can I do to make myself happy. We all want to make our parents happy yes, we all strive for that acceptance and there will always be a part of you that will feel incomplete if you know they aren't truly happy with your life's decisions. However, is that small part of your happiness worth all of your life's happiness. If you aren't happy living the life they want you to live you are doing yourself an incredible disservice. Why even be alive if you are unhappy and miserable. You are ultimately responsible for your happiness just as your parents are responsible for their happiness and so on and so forth. Figure it out and move on one way or the other. Good luck.
Exactly. There is something missing here. At 33, parents' opinions are irrelevant. Please don't tell me you are living with them.
OP, you seem to know how to use the Internet. Why not find a group of gay men who have gone through what you have and can offer you emotional support, networks for job-hunting and moving, etc.
My gosh you are 33. Time to take control of your life.
I think you have left out a piece of this story. Do you belong to a particularly repressive culture? Do you have a physical or mental disability? What is REALLY holding you back!
Exactly. There is something missing here. At 33, parents' opinions are irrelevant. Please don't tell me you are living with them.
OP, you seem to know how to use the Internet. Why not find a group of gay men who have gone through what you have and can offer you emotional support, networks for job-hunting and moving, etc.
My gosh you are 33. Time to take control of your life.
I'm not living with my parents. Their hold on my life currently is more mental. They had complete control over my life down to policing my social media all the way until I was 30. I made my Facebook profile a little more private and ended up having a pretty big fight with them over that. I stood my ground though. I've made a lot of progress over the past year. I still keep up the facade in front of them but when they aren't around, I'm doing my own thing. I'm in a very different place now than I was in May 2017. I went to a gay bar last night and had a great time.
I've tried to find something for ex-gay survivors and came up empty. However, I'll definitely dig a little deeper and getting in touch with people who have gone through what I have (and actually believed in it like I did) would be beneficial.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I think you have left out a piece of this story. Do you belong to a particularly repressive culture? Do you have a physical or mental disability? What is REALLY holding you back!
I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and my dad was a preacher. Think Southern Baptist but on steroids. One of the key aspects of IFB doctrine is the "doctrine of separation" which forbids believers from associating with non-believers. I didn't develop normal social skills and in fact didn't have a social life at all until I moved out my parents' home at 22. I didn't have a single friend between age 12 and college. After that, it took a lot of time and trial and error to get to the point where I could socialize normally and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.
I also might have borderline aspeger's syndrome but that is a gray area. I have some mild symptoms of being on the spectrum but it isn't clear cut and many of those could also be caused by my upbringing.
I still deal with a lot of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia. I'm working through it, but it doesn't change over night. Right now I am learning how to flirt again and show a guy I'm interested (and how to respond when somebody else shows interest). I used to actually be pretty good at that but since conversion therapy I've had a difficult time with it.
Bawac, I'm so sorry you're so messed up but at least you're thinking in the right direction. Undoing everything that you went through to convert back to "normal" is going to take time. Just keep telling yourself that you did it to keep the peace, and keep your parents happy, not because you believed it.
DO NOT feel guilty about anything. You are YOU and this is YOUR life. No damned wonder you were, and are in such turmoil being brought up in a bible thumping Baptist home with your father being a preacher. We call that fire and brimstone kind of s h i t!
Bawac, please keep believing that it's okay to be gay and it's okay to be a gay Christian. You DON"T have to attend any church to be Christian but if you find one that suits you, that's great. Being Christian is in your heart, not being a building where they practice it. We have some gay Christian friends and they are very happy and contented with their lives.
As for your parents, you have come to realize that they will never accept you being gay (which is so sad). They'd rather lose their son, than just love him and accept him for who he is. I hope you can successfully move away from them and live a happy life with someone who loves you, respects you and will help you get rid of your inner demons caused by your parents.
I'm not living with my parents. Their hold on my life currently is more mental. They had complete control over my life down to policing my social media all the way until I was 30. I made my Facebook profile a little more private and ended up having a pretty big fight with them over that. I stood my ground though. I've made a lot of progress over the past year. I still keep up the facade in front of them but when they aren't around, I'm doing my own thing. I'm in a very different place now than I was in May 2017. I went to a gay bar last night and had a great time.
I've tried to find something for ex-gay survivors and came up empty. However, I'll definitely dig a little deeper and getting in touch with people who have gone through what I have (and actually believed in it like I did) would be beneficial.
I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and my dad was a preacher. Think Southern Baptist but on steroids. One of the key aspects of IFB doctrine is the "doctrine of separation" which forbids believers from associating with non-believers. I didn't develop normal social skills and in fact didn't have a social life at all until I moved out my parents' home at 22. I didn't have a single friend between age 12 and college. After that, it took a lot of time and trial and error to get to the point where I could socialize normally and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.
I also might have borderline aspeger's syndrome but that is a gray area. I have some mild symptoms of being on the spectrum but it isn't clear cut and many of those could also be caused by my upbringing.
I still deal with a lot of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia. I'm working through it, but it doesn't change over night. Right now I am learning how to flirt again and show a guy I'm interested (and how to respond when somebody else shows interest). I used to actually be pretty good at that but since conversion therapy I've had a difficult time with it.
You have my sympathy, you really do. But childhood is over and it's time to be a man. A brave man. Stop flirting and thinking about men for now. That's superficial and does nothing to fill your inner void. Work on developing a strong self with a solid belief system.
You know your parents are wrong wrong wrong. Why can't you internalize that and live it as a principle of your life?
I'm not living with my parents. Their hold on my life currently is more mental. They had complete control over my life down to policing my social media all the way until I was 30. I made my Facebook profile a little more private and ended up having a pretty big fight with them over that. I stood my ground though. I've made a lot of progress over the past year. I still keep up the facade in front of them but when they aren't around, I'm doing my own thing. I'm in a very different place now than I was in May 2017. I went to a gay bar last night and had a great time.
I've tried to find something for ex-gay survivors and came up empty. However, I'll definitely dig a little deeper and getting in touch with people who have gone through what I have (and actually believed in it like I did) would be beneficial.
I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and my dad was a preacher. Think Southern Baptist but on steroids. One of the key aspects of IFB doctrine is the "doctrine of separation" which forbids believers from associating with non-believers. I didn't develop normal social skills and in fact didn't have a social life at all until I moved out my parents' home at 22. I didn't have a single friend between age 12 and college. After that, it took a lot of time and trial and error to get to the point where I could socialize normally and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.
I also might have borderline aspeger's syndrome but that is a gray area. I have some mild symptoms of being on the spectrum but it isn't clear cut and many of those could also be caused by my upbringing.
I still deal with a lot of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia. I'm working through it, but it doesn't change over night. Right now I am learning how to flirt again and show a guy I'm interested (and how to respond when somebody else shows interest). I used to actually be pretty good at that but since conversion therapy I've had a difficult time with it.
Please cut off contact with these toxic people pretending to be your parents. Get into a support group of your choice. You are not going to be able to recuperate and stand on your own while they are undermining your every step. Sometimes a clean break is necessary. Perhaps after a few years, when you get yourself together and you learn not to be afraid of them, you could interact with them and set boundaries without getting beaten into submission.
I hate it when religion is used as a blunt-force weapon. I’m sorry it was used to bludgeon you for so many years.
God, I am so sorry. I am sorry for your parents, in their ignorance of their own religion. Responding from a place of love would have been far more Christlike than what they did.
I am sorry for you, in the loss of the parental relationship that once was. And it may never come back. If it does, it will have to be their decision to accept their son for the gay man he truly is, and not on THEIR terms.
We all know how gay "conversion' therapy is a joke and does not work. It doesn't work because people do not become gay because of ANY OTHER REASON than that is what they are.
To me, homosexuality is a test for Christians to see if they can handle true selflessness in the face of something they do not understand. And that is all it is.
Frankly, I believe wholeheartedly in Jesus, and I believe most Christians make a mockery of him. HE was selfless, loved all people, and that is his most important lesson. That does not compute with calling your own son hateful names and enjoying his "downfall". I am not a Christian and never will be. I have seen too many of my gay friends go through the same thing by so-called Christians, and it is evil to me.
Please accept yourself, accept the fact that there is a force in the universe that cares about you and cares for you JUST AS YOU ARE. If you do that, no one can take that away. Be good and kind to yourself and cleave to your friends- who in the end are often the family that you cannot have. And say a prayer for them too.
Also, I want to say, no matter what you do, you are going to get a backlash from your parents, if you allow it to splash back. They cannot know everything in your life and they have already shown themselves to be poor caretakers of the truth of you. So I wouldn't even think of letting them in. Get on down the road, and if in a year, you aren't comfortable with them not knowing, send em a letter. But you do NOT have to allow them to pour venom on you.
I'm not seeing the dysfunction here on the part of the OP that some of you are. He was willing to try his own choice and then willing to try his parents' choice. He realizes it doesn't work for him and he can see some personal issues in his upbringing that are standing in his way.
He has a plan. He has patience. And he seems to have insight. If he's guilty of anything it's in realizing that our first connections are formative and valuable to us and the first goal of mental health is staying connected. At cost to himself he's learned that isn't an option at present. That may change for him at some later time and burning bridges can be risky when you don't know what life changes you or others may be making in decades ahead.
Remember, moving away from the problem is simply a change of scenery when your problem is in your heart and mind. I think instead of working on finding a boyfriend right now a better focus would be working on giving yourself permission to be who you are. Thirty-three is not late. It can be confusing and many people get fitful starts and stops until they find a path where the ground is steady. Don't "should" yourself, OP. It takes what it takes. And we never really "get there." It's all trial and error and gets easier as we go.
This is a major life transition and it isn't difficult to understand that some people enter it with hesitation, caution or fear. Please don't beat up on this OP. He didn't let himself get abused. And he doesn't have to run away in order to find stability. Sounds like he knows he needs more support. Let people who've walked in your shoes love you, OP, and in their love you will increase in love for yourself.
Mom and Dad obviously got more than they were able to deal with and in shock totally lost it. In doing so they damaged a bond that I'm guessing was important to them. Incredible how crazy it can get. I can imagine it hurt you like nothing ever before.
You sound courageous and well-reasoned to me. A genuinely nice person, I think. Time and solid principles of good mental health will do their work.
I'm not seeing the dysfunction here on the part of the OP that some of you are. He was willing to try his own choice and then willing to try his parents' choice. He realizes it doesn't work for him and he can see some personal issues in his upbringing that are standing in his way.
He has a plan. He has patience. And he seems to have insight. If he's guilty of anything it's in realizing that our first connections are formative and valuable to us and the first goal of mental health is staying connected. At cost to himself he's learned that isn't an option at present. That may change for him at some later time and burning bridges can be risky when you don't know what life changes you or others may be making in decades ahead.
Remember, moving away from the problem is simply a change of scenery when your problem is in your heart and mind. I think instead of working on finding a boyfriend right now a better focus would be working on giving yourself permission to be who you are. Thirty-three is not late. It can be confusing and many people get fitful starts and stops until they find a path where the ground is steady. Don't "should" yourself, OP. It takes what it takes. And we never really "get there." It's all trial and error and gets easier as we go.
This is a major life transition and it isn't difficult to understand that some people enter it with hesitation, caution or fear. Please don't beat up on this OP. He didn't let himself get abused. And he doesn't have to run away in order to find stability. Sounds like he knows he needs more support. Let people who've walked in your shoes love you, OP, and in their love you will increase in love for yourself.
Mom and Dad obviously got more than they were able to deal with and in shock totally lost it. In doing so they damaged a bond that I'm guessing was important to them. Incredible how crazy it can get. I can imagine it hurt you like nothing ever before.
You sound courageous and well-reasoned to me. A genuinely nice person, I think. Time and solid principles of good mental health will do their work.
Thanks for this response. I would say the dysfunction on my part has been how slow the progress has been. This has caused me to basically lose an entire decade of my life (and counting). That's not to say there has been no progress at all because there has, but it's been three years since I stopped conversion therapy and a year since I quit going to church. I've been self-sufficient for a decade. I should be beyond this.
The thing is, this didn't have to happen if I wouldn't have been willing to sacrifice everything I am in order to make my parents happy. I put them above myself. This reminds me of an incident in 2013, after I moved back to Oklahoma mind you, where my mom accuses me of not doing enough for them. I about lost it after that, considering everything I gave up to make them happy.
The reason I gave up so much is that what happened back in 2009 was a very traumatic experience. It's something I never want to have to go through again and that I wouldn't wish on my absolute worst enemy. Yet, it's inevitable I'm going to have to endure a "second round." At the time, my only options were to either cut them off or submit. After seeing how happy my mother was after I rededicated my life to the Lord in May 2010 and committed to trying to change my orientation, I couldn't go no contact. That meant I would have to submit. I did not have the strength in me at the time to continue in my gay identity. This was especially the case after I had a falling out with my best friend/roommate (my parents were a contributor to that falling out) and my dad threatened to completely disown me and cut my inheritance if I didn't cut off all of my other gay friends and start going to a Baptist church.
In my case, moving would be ideal because first, it would be nice to be far enough away from my parents that they aren't going to drop in on me or visit often. That way I can have a little more space to do my own thing without having to worry about all hell breaking loose. (A little backstory; in 2009 they found out I was gay and had a boyfriend by dropping in on me because I wasn't answering their calls one Saturday afternoon). Secondly, Oklahoma is the buckle of the Bible Belt and probably the worst place to live in the entire US if you are trying to escape religious fundamentalism. Even other places people commonly think are conservative and backwards have nothing on Oklahoma. However, moving at this point would be a risky financial move. I have a decent job here and that's not something to take for granted. If I wait two years, it will be much easier for me because I'll be in a better financial situation. Then again, that's two more years of my life and who knows what the economy will be like then or even how my physical health will be. I really feel like all this stress that I've been under for so long now is starting to take its physical toll on my body.
There is a saying that "the moment that carries you forward can also mean no way back" and that is really what scares me. I also doubt that I would be able to stand firm confronting my parents again about my sexual orientation. Right now, there is at least peace.
OP I am so sorry to read about this .
In my line of work I had to live in rural Oklahoma for 3 years . That was one of the worst stretches of my life . I was only there a short time and I was shunned completely because I am VERY colorful and "Think the wrong way " ,even the way I was dressed was suspect and the ever present " You need to find a church home " . It was crazy , I cannot imagine how had this has been for you , do get therapy if you can . There are many free therapy programs and I urge you to try to find one .
I hope you are able one day to make the break with your parents and live your authentic self .
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