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The beauty of not being respected by such people, is that its a great filter. I wouldnt want to be associated with people that refused to understand my views anyways. I have many friends with kids that DO understand my views, and friendships with them are quite deep.
Agreed. I'm 30+ single with no kids, and I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone that didn't respect me simply because of that.
I enjoy doing other things like traveling, working on my hobbies, and improving myself. I enjoy being free to do what I want, which is harder when you have kids.
You may not believe it, but neither of us want anyone else.
You guys seem very jaded with misguided ideas of what a healthy, committed loving relationship looks like. It may be a reason why you’ve struggled so much to meet the right person.
I think it's misguided to define "a healthy committed loving relationship" as a monolithic one size fits all thing.
Every relationship is different and the dynamics that make them work or not work are different too. This is the case because every human being is different and has different values and needs and wants.
Sure there might be some things that can be generalized but not many.
Some monogamous relationships are full of conflict and negative energy (I would add that this often results from one partner not meeting the sexual needs of the other fully).
Some open relationships work for both partners more than monogamous ones.
Then there are of course monogamous relationships such as yours that work for both and both partners are satisfied and happy with just the other person.
I think it's misguided to define "a healthy committed loving relationship" as a monolithic one size fits all thing.
...
Some monogamous relationships are full of conflict and negative energy (I would add that this often results from one partner not meeting the sexual needs of the other fully).
I actually have no interest in sex whatsoever now. So if my wife wants to have a "headache" every night, more power to her. And I'm not asking for sunshine and rainbows. All I want is to be left alone.
Well, what's so bad about that? Why can't I expect my wife to butt out of my life and let me be, unless she needs my input for a team decision or if there's a fire? And I'll return the same courtesy. And maybe I'll even feel lucky to be married to her.
But I guess in 2019, that's too much to ask.
What would be the point of being married to someone if you don't want to share your life with them? And that doesn't mean codependence, it means having a witness and a partner to experience your life with. If you don't want to get married, that's perfectly valid, but what you're describing isn't a marriage at all.
I think it's misguided to define "a healthy committed loving relationship" as a monolithic one size fits all thing.
Every relationship is different and the dynamics that make them work or not work are different too. This is the case because every human being is different and has different values and needs and wants.
Sure there might be some things that can be generalized but not many.
Some monogamous relationships are full of conflict and negative energy (I would add that this often results from one partner not meeting the sexual needs of the other fully).
Some open relationships work for both partners more than monogamous ones.
Then there are of course monogamous relationships such as yours that work for both and both partners are satisfied and happy with just the other person.
I never said those who choose to be in open relationships were wrong to do so. I will however defend a relationship that works well for me and my SO when someone calls us "selfish" for having the relationship that makes us happy.
My point was mainly that OP, who apparently did/does want a LTR and a family, might look at her underlying negative feelings toward committed relationships (and if there are kids, there is commitment whether monogamous or not) as one reason it may have eluded her for so long. Law of Attraction and all.
What would be the point of being married to someone if you don't want to share your life with them? And that doesn't mean codependence, it means having a witness and a partner to experience your life with. If you don't want to get married, that's perfectly valid, but what you're describing isn't a marriage at all.
If that's "not a marriage", it's still better than most marriages.
I actually have no interest in sex whatsoever now. So if my wife wants to have a "headache" every night, more power to her. And I'm not asking for sunshine and rainbows. All I want is to be left alone.
That is fine, then clearly a relationship is not for you. But this does not mean all men feel as you do. We both like having a partner, a teammate. It's not "my life" and "his life" though, it's our life. Anyone who does not like the thought of actually sharing their lives should never get married. And that held in the past as well, I don't know what 2019 has to do with it. My grandparents had a wonderful marriage, but it wasn't much different from marriage today except for the fact he made enough for her to stay home and be a housewife, which is much harder to do in 2019. She still nagged him if she thought he was smoking too many cigars. And they loved each other like crazy, he treated her like gold and she took great care of his needs as well. I don't understand where you get your view of marriage from whether now or in the past.
Usually a bad sex life is a sign of a bad marriage more so than a cause. When women aren't happy in a marriage that's the first area it shows up, lack of desire. We (my SO and I) don't let our stuff linger. We work it out, so that hopefully never happens to us. IMO sex is a glue that helps keep the bond strong, and both of us feel it's important to never let that part slide. But that is where making sure you're compatible in important ways before you commit comes in.
You may not believe it, but neither of us want anyone else.
You guys seem very jaded with misguided ideas of what a healthy, committed loving relationship looks like. It may be a reason why you’ve struggled so much to meet the right person.
I think they also seem misguided as to the idea that a healthy, committed loving relationship can even exist to begin with.
That skewed type of thinking can come from bad experiences. I know that after I got divorced, I mentioned casually on the old message board where I used to post that men simply do not have the capacity to love another person the way women do. I wasn't trying to put down the males of the species. I honestly thought that this was a truth accepted by everyone.
I immediately got called on it by one of the other posters, a guy who I considered a friend, and he asked what the hell had happened to me to give me such a bizarre and skewed perspective. I was shocked that he took exception to what I thought was an obvious fact. It forced me to ask, "Is what I believe true?"
Of course, it wasn't. After that I looked at things on more individual levels, and I came to realize that just because my marriage had sucked and my husband couldn't really love me, it didn't mean that all marriages sucked or that all men were incapable of loving. There are lots of happy couples out there, and it took some years, but I finally got to be part of one, too. If I'd hung on to that incorrect perspective, it might never have happened.
I think they also seem misguided as to the idea that a healthy, committed loving relationship can even exist to begin with.
That skewed type of thinking can come from bad experiences. I know that after I got divorced, I mentioned casually on the old message board where I used to post that men simply do not have the capacity to love another person the way women do. I wasn't trying to put down the males of the species. I honestly thought that this was a truth accepted by everyone.
I immediately got called on it by one of the other posters, a guy who I considered a friend, and he asked what the hell had happened to me to give me such a bizarre and skewed perspective. I was shocked that he took exception to what I thought was an obvious fact. It forced me to ask, "Is what I believe true?"
Of course, it wasn't. After that I looked at things on more individual levels, and I came to realize that just because my marriage had sucked and my husband couldn't really love me, it didn't mean that all marriages sucked or that all men were incapable of loving. There are lots of happy couples out there, and it took some years, but I finally got to be part of one, too. If I'd hung on to that incorrect perspective, it might never have happened.
That's awesome, I love it! Self-introspection is usually where the answers to most of our issues lie. I too have had awful relationships. I had a very insecure childhood and chose men based on a need for security and feeling safe, which often led to being with controlling men. I had poor self-esteem, which led me to go after guys who validated my self-loathing, and they never loved me in any reciprocal way.
I feel like the Universe makes you learn your lessons with those relationships, until you do the work needed to find a healthy partner. I wouldn't have been ready for my honey 20 years ago, I'd have blown it because I wasn't ready to accept being loved for who I am.
I have to say though, I never really stopped believing in love. I was always a fairy tale girl, lol.
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