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I think it's better to be alone than being in a toxic relationship, and while I am open to dating but not until I truly felt the connection with that person.
It used to make me feel depressed that I won't experience motherhood , but I think about people I know who are - and it just seems like a sacrifice to no end. That's how I make myself feel better - comparisons.
is having our own family, the end goal of things?
Oh yes, definitely BETTER to be alone than a bad relationship for sure!
To answer your question, no way is having a family the end life goal. If you have contentment & fulfillment doing something else, then so be it!
We're all different. Not everyone is happy & satisfied in life if they're married w/ 2-4 kids & own their own home, have 2 cars, etc.
I probably won't ever have kids at this point now & especially w/ COVID here. It's sad because I know I would have made an excellent mother. Sure, I would have liked to have at least 1. There was a time when having a pair of (boy/girl) twins was what I would have really liked to have because I would have one of each gender & they'd be the same age to grow up together, so we're going through childhood at the same time, etc. But I never had that strong desire where I want or need it & will do whatever it takes, etc., etc., etc.
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Originally Posted by Orangeta
I have improved my career or it will improve soon, but the only person I had the courage to meet, and who might have some level of interest has gone cold on me after we meetup, and I wasn't or I could have been more touchy..... but I wasn't feeling it, and I felt like I need him in my life, but we are both mentally ill - and I wished he was younger... but I am desperate to be with somebody. Soon, I'll have a new career, and maybe I could meet someone, or maybe not. I have missed connections before, and I felt like contacting them or him.
I am afraid to live a life never experiencing having a relationships but I have tendency to leap forward - thinking about many things - and the person can easily detect these things on me.
I felt like crying everyday, a miserable single person. I could have had a different life if only I was mature emotionally before, and grabbed these opportunities.
I feel for you, but the RIGHT person will come along one day & maybe when you least expect it. Just focus on other things in your life & remember to never lower your standards, morals, or values just to say "you've now got a man" because you'll feel miserable & it won't feel right. I wish you the best!
having kids can be rewarding, and heartbreaking....I can honestly say, my son is one of my greatest accomplishments.
He and I were very close when he was growing up, then he married a woman who had a very very bad childhood, she was insecure, and a little out there in left field.
She caused much heartache, and of course, he bought into it and stuck his head in the sand to keep peace...and that hurt was the most horrible time in my entire life....made me sick, lost confidence, cried a lot...and had to step way back if I wanted any kind of relationship with my grand daughter and him. It was very rocky, and finally my cousin suggested I put everything behind us and stop trying to prove my innosense. . I did...but it was God awful hard....for 13 years....awful situation....
He left her....and since has met a wonderful woman....boy do I love her...and am so thankful my son and she found each other.
Long story short....I don't really know how I got thru those 13 years....it was hell....especially b/c my son and I were so close...mind you, he continued to call me every week, even when he was in Afghanistan, but there was always that tension there....and I remember one time in particular, when I was visiting them, he drove me back to the air port and I was trying to present my side of the story to him....it was the very first time he yelled at me, terrible...and I got on the plane in tears and cried all the way home.
So, it could have been worse and always tried to tell myself, that there was something for me in this to learn from, as well....and that's what I held onto.....I must say, I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have...made a lot of mistakes...I'm not gonna lie
Yes, having children can be rewarding, but it can also be very painful and heartbreaking....and I thank God we're all in the place we are today....
I had a good friend who had 4 children, and asked me, how can you have 4 children from the same family and one goes bad....there is no answer....and you can raise them the best way you know how, but in the end, you've got to step back and allow them travel their own path...
Having children can be heartbreaking, at times....you do the best you can, and hope all goes well for them, but the hardest part is when they leave home and go on their own, and you cannot make your children your only purpose in life.
I know people who have raised children and never had a problem...so, I'm not trying to paint a bad picture...I just feel we are all on the journey we are supposed to be, and what is good for some, is not good for others....so....I think it's very shallow and wrong to judge others for not living the life that we don't know....anything about....because it doesn't fit into our narrative of what we think life should be.
the RIGHT person will come along one day & maybe when you least expect it.
The only right person for me is the one in the mirror. I had exactly zero privacy as a kid or teen and clung to any available alone time so I could read, write, daydream and vague out of a real world that meant very little to me.
Now I live alone, I revel in the total freedom to do whatever I damned well please. Having someone else around, in any capacity, means I have to compromise and make room, time and allowances for them. A weekend of that is about all I can handle, even if Eva Green showed up on the doorstep wearing only a smile.
I've had several thoughts and conversations of late about my tendency to opt out of things that may lead to what it's now fashionable to call 'major life events.' I do not avoid these things because they are hard to do, I avoid them because I cannot be arsed.
Comparatively minor 'life events', such as getting through the day, managing deliveries and appointments and waiting for support workers to show up already take too much time and energy from things I'd rather do. No major upheavals necessary, thank you.
'How can you live a fully realised life unless you try X or open your mind to the possibility of Y?' they ask. How about I continue doing as much or as little as I like, and harming no-one, and you go back to the soap opera you've brought on yourself in the name of life experience?
But I do think that people who marry young, miss out on a big chunk of life. Single in your 20s is fun, going places, doing things, experimenting, dating interesting people. I think a lot of people who marry before age 25 secretly feel "stuck" and envious of their single friends. I think marriage is a big commitment at age 20 or 22 , I feel that is too young to marry.
Totally agree, though I think mid 20s is too young to marry, as well, for most people. I got married at 25, and I definitely feel like I missed out on a lot.
Casual sex isn't for me. I tried it, made me feel even lonelier, uglier because I can't seem to have a long term relationship.
So, I'll be single, and maybe that's fine. I have a good job, and I can just travel and do something else with my life ...
Never done casual sex either, don't plan to, & I don't feel like I'm missing out. I know that's definitely NOT for me.
Yep, a good parent no longer is the priority. Their kids become the priority. Now I'm not talking about minor things like the parent can no longer buy herself a new dress or something sometime. I'm talking in the MUCH bigger grand scheme of things when raising children. It IS a lot of sacrifices as you said Orangetea.
Just because a lady's a female, doesn't mean she has to have kids. Many women know they're not the type or they don't want to have to do all the things that would make a genuinely good parent.
But a person can definitely have a significant other/spouse but never have kids if that's what they BOTH want. I think having that lifelong companion/best friend, etc. is nice.
Again, never completely give up! Someone may just come along when you least expect it, like I said!
Having children is a big responsibility. However, your children can be helpful to you in return if you raise them properly. I have a close-knit family. That's the only way it works for me.
I think it also helps to have good genes in the family so that your children turn out to be good people.
Generally with any choice you make, you're going to "miss out" on something. Whether or not it's a good/bad thing, it depends on the individual. While I believe you shouldn't really compare yourself to other people, I think you should take the opportunity to try to learn from their decisions and mistakes. I'm a long term single and won't date unless I feel the connection is worth it and that person is "good" for me. I think it's pointless to go on dates to just to go on dates to get to know people, because you can honestly do that as friends or just by communicating with them. I also don't believe in putting the cart before the horse (I.E: wanting marriage and children when there is no one I'm particularly interested in at the time.)
A lot of people I know who married and had babies young say they wish they would have waited, at least until they were more established financially or had lived for themselves a little more. Being a parent is a never ending job, but for many the love for their children makes it worth it. However, put yourself in your friend's shoes. Would you really be happy if you had their life? Fortunately, I had the foresight to see if I was in that situation at a young age or even now, I would be stressed out. I'm pretty comfortable with being single as it allows me so much space.
I'm currently working on obtaining my Master's, getting into graphic design, working at a hospital, and let's not forget there is a pandemic going on. So I'm not even sure how a serious relationship would fit into all that for me right now. My mom has been bugging me and my older brother about grand children. I'm 27 and a lot of people keep telling me there isn't a lot of time for me to find a partner and have babies. I just shrug my shoulders. Will I regret it later? Maybe. Maybe not. But whether or not I do/don't, it's no one's business. Me having/not having a partner shouldn't affect anyone else. Relationships are a wild card, and too unpredictable to create a reliable plan around them.
I said all that to say this, live and do what's best for you.
If the relationship is mutually beneficial, then it is probably better to have a partner to do things with - but many relationships are dysfunctional and the people aren't really doing anything interesting together anyway.
Yes, true.
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Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
Being alone offers much growth and pleasure - you rarely have to do anything you don't want to do and you can design your life around your preferences. And there is lots of time for growth and reflection.
That's theoretically true. But I've seen a lot of people, often men, who do really badly when they're single (even if they want to be). They don't take care of themselves. They don't challenge themselves. They get in a dysfunctional rut they can't get out of and they tend to get worse as they get older, not better. So while the above is a possibility, it's far from a guarantee.
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