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If you want to distance yourself from him, be up front about it now, be honest, but not at a mutual friend's gathering. I would handle this before the gathering. If it's that bad, don't go to the gathering at all.
Thank you. All communications from me to him regarding specifics were done 1-1 in-person, phone, IM, or e-mail to him only. I did just this- at first, when he has said that things were complicated and that I was misunderstanding him about the physical harassment, I was okay with at first responding to nuances that might've been bothering him but how the physical boundaries trump all of that and why they trump all of that. And the fact that there are things ("infinite possibilities") that should not be have to be explained endlessly and that you pick up with because if you expect people to figure out these kind of things, then that person should also consider having a support person with them while they are working and/or living and maybe shouldn't be dating or doing things on their own more independently.
After we "got" to the "hi only phase", then discussions didn't stop. Several months or so passed by and then the discussions were brought up by him again.
When he continued even after those explanations and said that I was tiring him out in response to me saying I didn't have much energy for him anymore, I then simplified things and kept pushing further away but in private. This was handled through e-mail and not at a gathering.
I did talk to closer friends in private, but so did he. But apparently, he also told acquaintances about this problem too. When he heard I had complained to friends about the situation, he brought it up and I replied that he did the same thing and that there's nothing wrong with doing that and that he is just trying to complain to complain.
Anyone I didn't consider as being at least somewhat close with, I made efforts to avoid these kind of deep conversations.
The last few e-mails stressed like 4 or 5 bullet points basically saying not to contact me and to move on - period.
I had to consider if I wanted to build on mutual friend's social circle or not. I thought about this and determined it wasn't worth it. Mutual friend of harasser understandably won't take sides, but it also makes him oblivious and unable to empathize and a wimp. A few of his other friends were kinda cold and one of them apparently even made fun of the idea that I played chess as some really bad joke that this interest caused this conflict. I knew that person beforehand because he has a brother whom I was friended with and a father who play chess decently.
There is one good friend from that social circle, but I met him in my own social circle first and we hang out occasionally and still will. So I ultimately decided that it's not worth trying to build with mutual friend's social circle because they are going to be too neutral or unsupportive and probably just be more problems than enjoyment with my own personal time.
...I think I will be trying to completely distance myself from him. If I have to meet him at mutual friend's gathering, I will say directly for him to stay away and not say anything even if I have to cut him off.
I only really read your very 1st post in this thread & this sounds good, so end of story. There should be nothing more to be said. Simply stay away from him AND the mutual friend too if that's what it takes to have peace. I personally am the type of person who can just stop ALL communication cold turkey.
Don't be made to feel like you need to be loyal or in the good graces of people like this who cause you emotional pain, discomfort, uncomfortability, or anything else negative. And don't be afraid to stand alone either. If that means you have no other friends if you stay away from these two people, then good, so be it.
It's always better to be alone than have 10 million bad, disingenuous, disloyal, untrustworthy, wishy-washy, sometimey, moody, or whatever else negative, etc. friends.
This may not relate but brings up a memory. I had a crush on a guy I peripherally worked with and we were friendly, could talk and laugh with one another. Once we talked about the new movie out "Dances With Wolves" - this tells you how long ago it was! - and he said 'we should go.' and so we did. After the movie, as he was dropping me off, he informed me that he'd been dating a woman (we had NOT been dating) and that he would be exclusive with her but that he'd invited me to the move and wanted to follow through on that commitment. I recall how I was a bit hurt by this, because I liked him and hoped it would go further, but I came to really respect and like him even more that he was so honest about his situation and let me know, rather than 'ghosting' me or whatever they call that nonsense nowadays.
Just be honest with people, as long as you can be certain they are not nuts and are going to go off on you! LOL
A person I attempted to date at first, I lost interest in right away and we kept in touch trying to build something platonic. During this time of building friendship, he has been making inappropriate physical advances at this angle and that angle to the point where I told him not to touch me at all.
Even after telling him this, he keeps bringing stuff up from time to time.
He wrote an e-mail to me today detailing quotes about when I talked about what it would be like if we were fwbs. Problem is, we were never actually fwbs because he only wanted a commitment or something platonic.
We have a mutual friend who doesn't like to be involved in conflict. When I spoke with mutual friend about my side of things, he always "sees" both sides of things.
After browsing e-mail and talking with mutual friend about situation,
I think I will be trying to completely distance myself from him. If I have to meet him at mutual friend's gathering, I will say directly for him to stay away and not say anything even if I have to cut him off.
So you "attempted to date" but didn't, and you slept with him and he still wants either committed or friendship, he's not willing to share. Hmm... and what was the question?
So you "attempted to date" but didn't, and you slept with him and he still wants either committed or friendship, he's not willing to share. Hmm... and what was the question?
No sleeping involved at all. With the mutual friend, yes, but with the original person (harasser), no. The issue was with the original person (harasser) and not so much the mutual friend. Also, the original person wanted to "share" and couldn't admit it basically and I never wanted to "share" in that manner.
The mutual friend, I decided it was no longer worth my time to invest socially into his platonic group gatherings. So, I said let's keep it 1-1 and he understood.
Last edited by chessimprov; 12-15-2021 at 08:38 PM..
I don't understand why you have a problem blocking the harasser and keeping him blocked and that means phone, social media, e-mails, etc. Sound to me like you still want to keep in touch with this harasser unless you feel guilty blocking him totally.
I don't understand why you have a problem blocking the harasser and keeping him blocked and that means phone, social media, e-mails, etc. Sound to me like you still want to keep in touch with this harasser unless you feel guilty blocking him totally.
He is blocked from everything now. I don't automatically block someone just because I "don't like something." I also had to consider that fact that harasser and I have a mutual friend. I also know about some personal details of harasser that would cause him to act like that. People make mistakes- and they deserve a chance or somewhat of a chance. But if they keep pushing, then I keep escalating more.
No matter how obvious or "obvious" something may be, if one can't be direct with a person, then maybe that person would be accepting the punishment indirectly. Throughout this process, I was as direct as I could be in private with said individual harasser. I also had to consider if I wanted harasser guy to "hold me up" from mutual friend's social circle because he would still be invited to mutual friend's parties. I felt that mutual's friend circle was not very nice. So, I decided to opt out of his parties completely and only meet him 1-1 now.
I think this is just a guy who wants "something more" and is obsessed with it. There are many reasons why: it might wound his ego that you aren't interested in that way, he may see a failure to make this conquest as reflecting on his manhood, he may have convinced himself somehow that you're The One -- the reason doesn't really matter though. You have done the right thing. Because he can't take "no" for an answer, at best he's annoying and at worst, he is, or will eventually become, dangerous.
A side update related to the original situation post.
I'm still in touch with mutual friend between me and harasser.
We have food enough in common, music videos, and we like each other physically and that is enough. Fits the idea of an "fwb" very well.
Mutual friend is frustrated that I don't mesh with his social circle well. He wants me to give his social circle another chance by introducing me to one friend at a time. Myself, him, and a friend would be at a gathering. The person he wants to start with, I met him at mutual friend's party. He is engaged, straight, and doing very well job wise. I think he owns his own home too. Even though I hold my own to this individual, he was very standoffish and not as friendly as mutual friend said he'd be. Mutual friend claims this other good friend of his was drunk- which is entirely possible. Mutual friend also doesn't have good concepts of who 'friends' really are as he considered a former fwb a 'friend' presently even though this "friend" treats him like he is in a lower class than himself and never initiates anything with him. This isn't a guy he could rely on if he was in a jam sorta thing.
I feel like while I don't want to close myself to such a potential opportunity, because of my prior experience, I might want both of them to visit my area rather than me drive all the way to them since it was mutual friend's idea and not mine. I feel like the possibly drunk friend of mutual friend seems pompous, and he is very good looking and doing well in life. But he is taken, straight, and also I don't feel like a human being around him. So, while I can give him more chance(s), I'm not counting on it and don't want to have to make so much effort.
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