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You can take comfort in the trope that the people who mutter and curse and rage to themselves as they work tend to be more intelligent ;-)
I'm like you in that regard, but have worked 100% remote throughout most of my career so the only people who will "write me up" for my outbursts will be my wife and stepson, who have learned to ignore it and/or close the door so they don't have to listen.
But yeah, in those rare periods where i've been in someone's office, I have put a lid on it. And one can argue persuasively that maybe I should do it at home, too. It's not that much of a burden. And my wife somewhat rightly points out that I'm shortening my life with my blood-pressure-raising fulminations. What she is discounting is that I've got an outlet for my aggravation and what she's really saying is that I "shouldn't" be aggravated to begin with. Yet ... it seems that I am. Sometimes very much. I deal with a lot of idiocy in my work. I know it's just impotent griping but it helps me let go of it and even laugh at it in the end.
Of course if my wife were a past victim of domestic violence and explained she was triggered, I'd go out of my way to mask it for her sake. But she knows I'm just the Dad in that Christmas movie who's ranting and raving in the basement trying to fix the furnace. It's harmless.
Should all of us get to (re)act however we want, when we want, no matter how it impacts others? There's not a 100% ironclad yes or no answer there, but if someone tells me I'm triggering them, I'll believe them and do my best not to do so in the future. Your coworker's main mistake wasn't so much in reporting you as in not discussing the issue with you first. OTOH, she was probably afraid to, or couldn't, because of her past.
We all have to have so much compassion for each other, it's not funny. Sometimes it's amazing with get anywhere in our dealings with others at all ...
I want to be your friend after reading this . I think we think a lot alike.
Before I was born, my mom spent years working in a school for kids with "behavioral issues" in the 80s. Looking back, many of those kids were autistic, but since they weren't stereotypically autistic (nonverbal, a savant, etc) they didn't get their diagnosis.
That's why so many resources are put into autism awareness for those who might not be classified as severe. In ye olden days, a person with so called "mild" autism would live isolated on a farm or work a line job in a factory. Maybe they would have family support, but in general they were able to make a living. That is much more difficult in today's economy, and it's important that autistic people anywhere on the spectrum get resources to be as successful as possible, whatever success may look like for them.
There's also the issue with girls who are autistic. In the past few years, I've had quite a few female friends who were diagnosed with autism. They are all absolutely autistic, and many have struggled their whole lives as a result, but because they learn to mask and express their autism differently, they get none of the services available to autistic people to help them function in a world that does not have them in mind.
... but because they learn to mask and express their autism differently, they get none of the services available to autistic people to help them function in a world that does not have them in mind.
^^^ This, very much.
In seeking out the best cognitive testing for my autistic stepson, I watched some videos (intended for practitioners) by the author of the Cognistat test, one of the gold standard ones, and he points out -- rightly, I think -- that many testers are obsessed with getting "objective" "scores" but to get yet more objective data points you sometimes have to ask subjective questions.
For example, a subject may pass a section of the test but it may take epic amounts of effort because they have, as you point out, learned to compensate, and may be "succeeding" in a very inefficient way. This is as much in the mix as an overt "fail". It is why people on the spectrum sometimes have to put in 10 or 20 times as much work into getting the same result. Conversely, a "failed" part of the test may have been a near-success that just needed a little tuning to make it entirely doable and doesn't represent that big of an actual problem.
If someone isn't sufficiently nuanced and empathetic to think like this, you have problems. For example, some patients have been openly mocked and shamed by people who assume they are some sort of malingerer (particularly common when attempting to document disability applications). Parts of some tests designed supposedly to flush out "malingering" are self-fulfilling prophecies that someone can really just decide that you failed when in fact you were simply anxious or weirded out by the approach.
My nephew got diagnosed as a high functioning autistic and now he usually uses it as an excuse for everything or why he can’t do anything. He was lazy before he’s even lazier now.
Before I was born, my mom spent years working in a school for kids with "behavioral issues" in the 80s. Looking back, many of those kids were autistic, but since they weren't stereotypically autistic (nonverbal, a savant, etc) they didn't get their diagnosis.
That's why so many resources are put into autism awareness for those who might not be classified as severe. In ye olden days, a person with so called "mild" autism would live isolated on a farm or work a line job in a factory. Maybe they would have family support, but in general they were able to make a living. That is much more difficult in today's economy, and it's important that autistic people anywhere on the spectrum get resources to be as successful as possible, whatever success may look like for them.
There's also the issue with girls who are autistic. In the past few years, I've had quite a few female friends who were diagnosed with autism. They are all absolutely autistic, and many have struggled their whole lives as a result, but because they learn to mask and express their autism differently, they get none of the services available to autistic people to help them function in a world that does not have them in mind.
1) There are still jobs like that.
2) If you can mask (and I know "masking" is a now a thing that people think is burdensome) - but IF you can do it, I assert you are not "truly" autistic. An autistic person, whose brain does not function "normally" (i.e., they are neurodivergent) is not able to change their brain from functioning to non-functioning on a whim.
My nephew got diagnosed as a high functioning autistic and now he usually uses it as an excuse for everything or why he can’t do anything. He was lazy before he’s even lazier now.
He might be lazy, which is a separate issue from autism.
But an outsider could make a surface judgment that my stepson is lazy, too. After all, he lives with his parents, only works part time, and he has made no progression his education or job skill training since he got his undergrad degree, which took him 7 years. He'll turn 30 this year.
Or simply functioning, focusing, and thinking might just be very hard for him.
You wouldn't know that the hours he does work, he does a fantastic job. You wouldn't know that he works out every day in the gym we set up in our garage, to keep fit. You wouldn't know about how much integrity and dogged persistence he possesses, how intelligent and deep and compassionate a thinker he is. You wouldn't know that he pays us room and board as a matter of principle and dignity. You wouldn't know that he's well-read and curious.
I'm not saying you would, but you COULD dismiss him as lazy if you didn't know him or see his struggles up close.
If you don't live with and aren't responsible for your nephew, don't make assumptions about him. If he's not doing well, and you have any responsibility or input to this care, get to the bottom of it and get him help if he's not doing well or growing as a person.
Sometimes both the autistic and their parents just collapse around the whole thing and give up. Sometimes they just need understanding and a helping attitude.
Again I'm not saying this is true of you, but in my experience and observation, even normally enabled people are too often called lazy by the more privileged / fortunate among us because of factors like not having high paying jobs or nice homes. If you work hard and have nice things, you assume people who don't have nice things don't work hard. It's a bad assumption. Success in life is partly hard work, and partly dumb luck and what you're born into. I'm debt free and make a nice six figure income but it's not because I'm special and brilliant. My stepson makes $16,000 a year doing part time data analyst work and he's a better man than me in many ways, and certainly has a much harder life than I. And yet ... I'm sure people exist who would be happy to say it's his own fault somehow.
Idk for sure but I suspect there to be some truth to what you're saying.
I know of two children diagnosed with it that surprised me. These in particular have mom's that are "stay-at-home moms" who I've known to be uncomfortable with the truth in other circumstances. From my observations, these two mom's want attention and being completely honest, a free ride with all the perks. Their idea of going to the park with their kids is "leave me alone, go play!" (Shooing with hands, head looking down and already texting or on social media). Imo these kids are more like a means to an end for these young women. Neither mom has a nurturing element. It's sad but they'll be the first to say that "their kids are their everything.". Really?
The surprising part to me about these two kids autism diagnosis, was that I think their mannerisms and behavioral issues are the result of the way they are being "raised." When these type of mom's are online (which is most of their day) they see posts no doubt from others with children that have this issue (some legit, some not) and their extinct kicks in and they say "me too!". One of these mom's I know even got a Great Dane "service dog" to "calm the toddler down* when she was stressed.. I wasn't surprised.
This post has me thinking about another psychological "fad'" in children that proper parenting could have likely fixed in many cases: ADHD. While there were/are many legit cases of that too, I recall that amongst my coworkoers at the time, about half of the kids were diagnosed with it. That preceded the autism/Ash Berger's trend that has been the new thing as of late. I just think these kids are products of their environment which include being at the mercy of their parent's whims when seeking attention or whatever. They ride the "wave" or follow the trend set by those who really are afflicted.
He might be lazy, which is a separate issue from autism.
But an outsider could make a surface judgment that my stepson is lazy, too. After all, he lives with his parents, only works part time, and he has made no progression his education or job skill training since he got his undergrad degree, which took him 7 years. He'll turn 30 this year.
Or simply functioning, focusing, and thinking might just be very hard for him.
You wouldn't know that the hours he does work, he does a fantastic job. You wouldn't know that he works out every day in the gym we set up in our garage, to keep fit. You wouldn't know about how much integrity and dogged persistence he possesses, how intelligent and deep and compassionate a thinker he is. You wouldn't know that he pays us room and board as a matter of principle and dignity. You wouldn't know that he's well-read and curious.
I'm not saying you would, but you COULD dismiss him as lazy if you didn't know him or see his struggles up close.
If you don't live with and aren't responsible for your nephew, don't make assumptions about him. If he's not doing well, and you have any responsibility or input to this care, get to the bottom of it and get him help if he's not doing well or growing as a person.
Sometimes both the autistic and their parents just collapse around the whole thing and give up. Sometimes they just need understanding and a helping attitude.
Again I'm not saying this is true of you, but in my experience and observation, even normally enabled people are too often called lazy by the more privileged / fortunate among us because of factors like not having high paying jobs or nice homes. If you work hard and have nice things, you assume people who don't have nice things don't work hard. It's a bad assumption. Success in life is partly hard work, and partly dumb luck and what you're born into. I'm debt free and make a nice six figure income but it's not because I'm special and brilliant. My stepson makes $16,000 a year doing part time data analyst work and he's a better man than me in many ways, and certainly has a much harder life than I. And yet ... I'm sure people exist who would be happy to say it's his own fault somehow.
In reading some of your posts, I see you are very empathetic and compassionate and I really appreciate your perspective on this.
We just last year met a 5 year old whose parents we were helping move that was bouncing everywhere. They have a 2 year old daughter as well and a stay at home mom. The little one was doing something that I had said No, as I didn't want her hurt and the mom said "we don't say NO to them". ?? Now given that the 5 year old wouldn't do as he was told and demanded attention all the time, we thought it was parenting that was the issue (we spent 5 days there helping). He started school this past fall and couldn't be in a regular school as he was disruptive to the class and teacher. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and now in a smaller classroom environment. I still believe that a large part of his issue is with the parenting but who knows.
Idk for sure but I suspect there to be some truth to what you're saying.
I know of two children diagnosed with it that surprised me. These in particular have mom's that are "stay-at-home moms" who I've known to be uncomfortable with the truth in other circumstances. From my observations, these two mom's want attention and being completely honest, a free ride with all the perks. Their idea of going to the park with their kids is "leave me alone, go play!" (Shooing with hands, head looking down and already texting or on social media). Imo these kids are more like a means to an end for these young women. Neither mom has a nurturing element. It's sad but they'll be the first to say that "their kids are their everything.". Really?
The surprising part to me about these two kids autism diagnosis, was that I think their mannerisms and behavioral issues are the result of the way they are being "raised." When these type of mom's are online (which is most of their day) they see posts no doubt from others with children that have this issue (some legit, some not) and their extinct kicks in and they say "me too!". One of these mom's I know even got a Great Dane "service dog" to "calm the toddler down* when she was stressed.. I wasn't surprised.
This post has me thinking about another psychological "fad'" in children that proper parenting could have likely fixed in many cases: ADHD. While there were/are many legit cases of that too, I recall that amongst my coworkoers at the time, about half of the kids were diagnosed with it. That preceded the autism/Ash Berger's trend that has been the new thing as of late. I just think these kids are products of their environment which include being at the mercy of their parent's whims when seeking attention or whatever. They ride the "wave" or follow the trend set by those who really are afflicted.
I do think parenting is the issue with some cases. Some parents want to slap a label onto why their children are not conforming. I really don't know how they test for ADHD.
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the door so they don't have to listen.
