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It sounds like he has issues with executive functioning, which is very common with ASD. It can look like laziness, but is, in reality, not having the skills to navigate daily living. These skills can be taught, and there are resources to assist in that: there are workbooks and visual support tools to be found on Amazon, as well as an iPhone app called Thrive: Thriving on the Spectrum.
Regarding teeth brushing, people with ASD can be very sensitive to the strong flavors of toothpaste, as well as the inherent messiness of brushing. My sons and I use unflavored, low-foam toothpaste and follow up with original Listerine (the unflavored, amber-colored one).
I call him out for being lazy and a smile comes over him because he got busted. He has no problem driving a car or playing video games all day. He’s admitted that he doesn’t like to take showers/brush his teeth.
My soon to be ex wife’s two kids are highly functional too yet you would never know it.
He might be lazy, which is a separate issue from autism.
But an outsider could make a surface judgment that my stepson is lazy, too. After all, he lives with his parents, only works part time, and he has made no progression his education or job skill training since he got his undergrad degree, which took him 7 years. He'll turn 30 this year.
Or simply functioning, focusing, and thinking might just be very hard for him.
You wouldn't know that the hours he does work, he does a fantastic job. You wouldn't know that he works out every day in the gym we set up in our garage, to keep fit. You wouldn't know about how much integrity and dogged persistence he possesses, how intelligent and deep and compassionate a thinker he is. You wouldn't know that he pays us room and board as a matter of principle and dignity. You wouldn't know that he's well-read and curious.
I'm not saying you would, but you COULD dismiss him as lazy if you didn't know him or see his struggles up close.
If you don't live with and aren't responsible for your nephew, don't make assumptions about him. If he's not doing well, and you have any responsibility or input to this care, get to the bottom of it and get him help if he's not doing well or growing as a person.
Sometimes both the autistic and their parents just collapse around the whole thing and give up. Sometimes they just need understanding and a helping attitude.
Again I'm not saying this is true of you, but in my experience and observation, even normally enabled people are too often called lazy by the more privileged / fortunate among us because of factors like not having high paying jobs or nice homes. If you work hard and have nice things, you assume people who don't have nice things don't work hard. It's a bad assumption. Success in life is partly hard work, and partly dumb luck and what you're born into. I'm debt free and make a nice six figure income but it's not because I'm special and brilliant. My stepson makes $16,000 a year doing part time data analyst work and he's a better man than me in many ways, and certainly has a much harder life than I. And yet ... I'm sure people exist who would be happy to say it's his own fault somehow.
I couldn't rep you again but this is one of the best examples/explanations I have ever read on the subject.
I'm tearing up as the bolded describes my boy to a T.
I do live with him and I do see the struggles he faces day to day, I also see that he’s too lazy to do his chores when he’s supposed to do them . He also lies a lot about taking a shower, brushing his teeth, etc. As far as his work ethic it’s ok at best he tends to cop an attitude and hates the idea of working a full time job.
He does rock back and forth when he’s sitting down he can’t sit still for too long.
I would urge you not to assume he's "just lazy". Everyone is different, and people on the spectrum are no exception, but one thing I've found working with my stepson is that he struggles with short term memory so when you tell him to do something and he doesn't, it is often because the thought exited his brain 10 seconds later. If you remind him, he'll willingly do it. Of course one DOES see a little more tendency to remember things he cares more about / is interested in, but as his therapist points out, we all do that, autism just magnifies the effect. He's learning to keep a notebook and write things down. But sometimes a growing "to do" list is too much for him to contemplate, too. For that, he's learning about breaking things down, etc. These things do not come naturally to many on the spectrum.
If your nephew is "stimming" like you describe then he probably has some sensory or other overload issues that are fairly profound. Things that would not bother you or me can make them profoundly distressed, and they will avoid or refuse to do those things.
Personally I think that apart from autism, labels / judgments like "lazy" or "slovenly" are too liberally applied and I don't see to what end or purpose. It doesn't help. People are demotivated by shame, not motivated. It isn't an effective tool.
I'm lucky my stepson is quite fastidious and if anything brushes his teeth and showers TOO much -- and he's super hard on himself, so it's easier to not be hard on him -- doing so would be exacerbating the problem. Our struggles with him are in other areas ... but I have NEVER found reminding him of his failures, or just his failure to measure up, to help him.. If you live with your nephew, the most effective thing you can do to improve his behavior over time is to find positive and loving ways to interact, understand and help rather than complaining.
I would urge you not to assume he's "just lazy". Everyone is different, and people on the spectrum are no exception, but one thing I've found working with my stepson is that he struggles with short term memory so when you tell him to do something and he doesn't, it is often because the thought exited his brain 10 seconds later. If you remind him, he'll willingly do it. Of course one DOES see a little more tendency to remember things he cares more about / is interested in, but as his therapist points out, we all do that, autism just magnifies the effect. He's learning to keep a notebook and write things down. But sometimes a growing "to do" list is too much for him to contemplate, too. For that, he's learning about breaking things down, etc. These things do not come naturally to many on the spectrum.
If your nephew is "stimming" like you describe then he probably has some sensory or other overload issues that are fairly profound. Things that would not bother you or me can make them profoundly distressed, and they will avoid or refuse to do those things.
Personally I think that apart from autism, labels / judgments like "lazy" or "slovenly" are too liberally applied and I don't see to what end or purpose. It doesn't help. People are demotivated by shame, not motivated. It isn't an effective tool.
I'm lucky my stepson is quite fastidious and if anything brushes his teeth and showers TOO much -- and he's super hard on himself, so it's easier to not be hard on him -- doing so would be exacerbating the problem. Our struggles with him are in other areas ... but I have NEVER found reminding him of his failures, or just his failure to measure up, to help him.. If you live with your nephew, the most effective thing you can do to improve his behavior over time is to find positive and loving ways to interact, understand and help rather than complaining.
Ditto. I was that "lazy" young adult. Couldn't hold down a job or maintain a relationship, struggled to adjust to community college, was homeless for a while. The truth is that I wasn't lazy; I was trying to function in a world that made no sense. It is like being dropped in the middle of a foreign country, with no understanding of the language or culture, no ability to read the street signs to navigate, surrounded by people who are too dismissive to bother helping you out.
My diagnosis was life-changing because I finally learned that I was indeed struggling (self-awareness was an underdeveloped quality), why I was struggling, and how to go about making necessary changes to alleviate struggling. I will never function the same way a neurotypical person does, and that no longer bothers me.
I would urge you not to assume he's "just lazy". Everyone is different, and people on the spectrum are no exception, but one thing I've found working with my stepson is that he struggles with short term memory so when you tell him to do something and he doesn't, it is often because the thought exited his brain 10 seconds later. If you remind him, he'll willingly do it. Of course one DOES see a little more tendency to remember things he cares more about / is interested in, but as his therapist points out, we all do that, autism just magnifies the effect. He's learning to keep a notebook and write things down. But sometimes a growing "to do" list is too much for him to contemplate, too. For that, he's learning about breaking things down, etc. These things do not come naturally to many on the spectrum.
If your nephew is "stimming" like you describe then he probably has some sensory or other overload issues that are fairly profound. Things that would not bother you or me can make them profoundly distressed, and they will avoid or refuse to do those things.
Personally I think that apart from autism, labels / judgments like "lazy" or "slovenly" are too liberally applied and I don't see to what end or purpose. It doesn't help. People are demotivated by shame, not motivated. It isn't an effective tool.
I'm lucky my stepson is quite fastidious and if anything brushes his teeth and showers TOO much -- and he's super hard on himself, so it's easier to not be hard on him -- doing so would be exacerbating the problem. Our struggles with him are in other areas ... but I have NEVER found reminding him of his failures, or just his failure to measure up, to help him.. If you live with your nephew, the most effective thing you can do to improve his behavior over time is to find positive and loving ways to interact, understand and help rather than complaining.
I live with him that’s why I can say he’s lazy to some extent.
I call him out for being lazy and a smile comes over him because he got busted. He has no problem driving a car or playing video games all day. He’s admitted that he doesn’t like to take showers/brush his teeth.
My soon to be ex wife’s two kids are highly functional too yet you would never know it.
Certain very specific interests can be a sign of autism. Video games are often popular because they don’t involve the standard interpersonal contact that many people with autism find difficult.
I agree with Cat Turd Collector that even for people who are higher functioning, certain activities that seem normal/easy for the neurotypical person may seem confusing or unpleasant for a person with autism. For example, people with autism may have sensory issues that could make bathing or brushing teeth seem unpleasant. He may verbalize that he doesn’t like to do these things, but not really be able to explain why it bothers him.
Good points. My stepson is HF so he sees part of his way forward as accommodations, and he's able to overcome some of his limitations with practice.
Your explanation above makes me even more certain that lumping in Asperger's with the rest of the spectrum was a big mistake. I wonder what your thought on that change in the DSM V are, if you care to say so.
One thing that comes through in your writing is your deep empathy and love for your son, as well as really researching the heck out of this thing to do the best by him that you can. Thanks for your post.
Thank you & regarding the bolded; I think that was a HUGE mistake. I knew it would be when it was first proposed & it has exceeded my negative predictions of what would happen if the DSM V changed.
We now have a situation where the needs of those with Asperger's, are competing for awareness & funding against the needs of the profoundly autistic. The problems, are that one group (Asperger's) still have a voice & can "use their words" & the other does not. One group has some autonomy, wants more (rightly so) & the others require 1:1, 24/7 care & supervision to avoid life-threatening situations; that care typically being provided by uncompensated & overwhelmed family caregivers.
And the biggest problem & threat to resources for the profoundly autistic: One group (Asperger's) sees the need for "a cure & prevention", as a threat to their very identity.
While the other group's (severe autism) lives are threatened by the lack of "a cure & prevention".
And let me say this: There will never be a cure. You can't reverse the atypical brain development, to "rewire" neurons & synapses into a more functional pattern. What's done is done. The best we can hope for, is therapeutics utilizing immune-modulation to mitigate the impacts of chronic neuroinflammation, which will help the brain develop as they age & heal, the best that it is capable of, on its own.
(And when the immune-mediated etiology of autism is understood & acknowledged; we can then address prevention. And it will be complex. The Broad Autistic Phenotype is actually a product of natural selection. It is a adventitious phenotype, dependent on 300+ genetic variants located on genes that control immune response. Unfortunately, complex interactions of this phenotype with immune provocations can render them as "pathologically autistic". Genetic screening at birth, (such as what is done with PKU & for Cystic Fibrosis), can help identify which children will be at risk for atypical immune responses & the "one size fits all" approach to preventable disease mitigation, can be tailored to their individual risk factors. )
There's still a need for supports for Asperger's. They still deserve accomodation for higher education goals & support in the workforce & for maintaining independence. The needs of the severely autistic, to receive safe & appropriate care, with the families who love them getting the support they need to ensure that; shouldn't have to compete with that. But under the changes in DSM V; they now do. And that's wrong.
I do live with him and I do see the struggles he faces day to day, I also see that he’s too lazy to do his chores when he’s supposed to do them . He also lies a lot about taking a shower, brushing his teeth, etc. As far as his work ethic it’s ok at best he tends to cop an attitude and hates the idea of working a full time job.
He does rock back and forth when he’s sitting down he can’t sit still for too long.
How old is he ? My 13 (high functioning asd) had these problems when he was 10-11-12 . We had to stand over him and literally make sure he did it. I printed up papers that were taped to the mirror . They included photos. It was Brush Teeth, Flush Toliet, Shower, Shampoo, and pick up...
I kept those photos up in the bathroom for over a year and now he brushes his teeth... He still is sloppy with using the bathroom though.
Although there are some people who are likely being misdiagnosed, autism is real and the number of people who have it is increasing. There is a hereditary component which is likely triggered by environmental factors which affect the brain's development in utero. Synthetic hormones are possible contributors. Autism is most prevalent in the first born child to the same woman with the likelihood of having another child with autism declining with each subsequent birth. Recent research is now starting to support the hypothesis that oral contraceptives may be linked to suppressing prenatal development in certain areas of the brain. The growth in autism since the 1960s is strongly correlated to the growth in the use of oral contraceptives over the same time period. This correlation, along with the hypothesis that the birth of the first child resets hormone levels (providing that oral contraceptives were not used after the first birth) helps explain the prevalence of autism among first-born children.
Conducting critical research that puts oral contraceptives under scrutiny is a difficult proposition given the numerous societal ramifications of possibly removing them from everyday use.
How in the world did you get "rich" from my comment? Did I mention people "getting rich" AT ALL? Every penny counts for some households and if "junior" is diagnosed with Autism it could potentially bring in 800 bucks a month in income. That's a lot of cigarettes, beer, and lottery tickets!
My Mother worked at Social Security for 40 years. She was quite familiar with people seeking "crazy checks" for their offspring.
You're the one who said there was financial incentive. That implies it's better to 'milk the system' than it is to be a productive member of society, and that implies one is getting rich from being autistic.
I'm NOT the one saying stupid stuff here.
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Did I mention people "getting rich" AT ALL? Every penny counts for some households and if "junior" is diagnosed with Autism it could potentially bring in 800 bucks a month in income. That's a lot of cigarettes, beer, and lottery tickets!