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Hmmm, I guess I would be that sedentary house guest at times.
I don't enjoy flitting about, nor do I really have the funds to go out and about 'just because' very often. I DO enjoy reading a good book, and I often like to do it around other people, because while I may not want to actively participate in conversation there is sometimes an element of 'belonging' just by being around other people as they go about their lives. Who want to stay holed up away from everyone all the time?
A couple of questions though.
Is there a pleasant space this person can go to for their solitary pursuits sometimes, a comfy chair and side table in the bedroom, a sheltered spot on the patio, a quiet park within walking distance, etc?
While I doubt your guest expects you to constantly entertain them, and might not even enjoy attempts at that, have you invited them or given them the opportunity to occasionally join you in things you already do, such as going for a walk in the neighborhood, joining you on a shopping trip, or helping to prepare a meal?
Perhaps they simply aren't comfortable and are uncertain about how to be 'more active' in someone else's home. (What does your idea of them being more active consist of anyway?)
Personally, I'm far more productive/focused in reading when I do it in the right public setting as compared to the quiet of home. At home, if I'm not tempted to sleep, then I'm likely to turn on the TV or waste hours on the computer. I much prefer to go to the bookstore and spend much of the day there, with most of that time spent actually reading a book. Cafes and libraries work too, but Barnes & Noble seems to have just the right level of noise/background activity--cafes can have too much; libraries can have too little. I'm typing this post from the bookstore, as I take a break from my book, heh.
Is this houseguest like a family member who travels a far distance so stays many weeks at a time? They’re less on holiday but living their typical daily life, in your home? You’re living your usual life as well, not taking time off work to be with them, show them around the sights or entertain them?
I feel like it’s more universally understood that a guest does not shut themselves off to their host and stay in their room. If the guest is content reading in the living room and their mere presence bothers you, it’s on you to remove yourself to another room. I assume they’re making themselves available while also trying not to impose.
I would go crazy having a houseguest that long, but I would find other spaces to be in my own home than expect a guest to go to their temporary room.
Is anyone else generally aggravated when they spend too much time with a sedentary person?
There's someone that stays with us in our home for a few weeks at a time (the reasons aren't important to my question) that is very sedentary and I find myself super bothered by it and I'm not entirely sure why.
If this person was more active I feel like I'd be far, far less bothered by their visits. And it's not like they're demanding or unhelpful when asked for something. But it just seems like it sucks the life out of the house and out of me to have them plopped down in the middle of the living room reading silently or staring at their cell phone all day. I want to tell them to go sit somewhere out of sight for a little while, LOL.
Maybe it triggers a feeling that I need to entertain them or make small talk constantly.
What say ye...anyone else sometimes feel this way around super sedentary people?
What I bolded of your text seems to be the problem. And yes, I can empathize. A friend accompanied me to a relative's house for, due to the distance, a longish visit. I'd invited the friend thinking he'd use the opportunity to explore an area of the country he loved - at times on his own while I worked with my daughter (on needed reading lessons) and got to know my brand new SIL better.
A person I thought very independent who loves solo exploring turned to total dependence. He sat sprawled legs out on the great room couch day after day watching CNN recycle for hours at a time. It drove my SIL batty. She wanted to cook in peace. Vacuum and tidy without a person staring at her. I do think part of being a good guest is being able to "read the room."
Being able to find silence when needed brings a peace. Likewise, it's not unusual for people to periodically want their space to not contain a virtual stranger, or anyone else for that matter. When my daughter and I did the reading lessons we went to a separate part of the large house.
I finally told my friend he had to go SOMEWHERE for at least one day, and that it was totally unrealistic to expect that my 7 yo daughter wanted or should spend several hours in a car to reach distant locales of interest to him. (The three of us did do one day out together as did my brother and his wife a couple of times.)
Is there a pleasant space this person can go to for their solitary pursuits sometimes, a comfy chair and side table in the bedroom, a sheltered spot on the patio, a quiet park within walking distance, etc?
While I doubt your guest expects you to constantly entertain them, and might not even enjoy attempts at that, have you invited them or given them the opportunity to occasionally join you in things you already do, such as going for a walk in the neighborhood, joining you on a shopping trip, or helping to prepare a meal?
Perhaps they simply aren't comfortable and are uncertain about how to be 'more active' in someone else's home. (What does your idea of them being more active consist of anyway?)
Our house is literally one of the most comfortable places I can imagine, including the yard (we live in a great climate). Plenty of places to 'switch it up' all day.
They are welcome to join some things we do (we aren't on vacation, and are pretty busy each day).
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
I also feel like holing up in the bedroom for extensive amounts of time can also be seen as rude from a host. A different host might think "I have a guest in my home and they never come out of their room. That really bothers me."
OP, is it possible that you're bothered because your guest is always in the living room and you'd like to enjoy that space without feeling the need to socialize or entertain them?
This is exactly it. Our house is large and has plenty of places to be social, alone, and in-between. There would be no expectation to stay hidden in a bedroom 24/7, not at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by clevergirl67
They wouldn't be invited back to my home. People, like fish, go bad after 3 days. Someone who constantly is in my home acting this way would not fly. I will visit them at their home every now and then when I am in control of when I can get up and leave when I've had enough.
I'm really reluctant to share any details, but this person is a family member, and their long stay represents how we're best able to help with their life. All the siblings are doing what they can, and we all have very different lives and abilities and geographical realities. FYI, this family member is not infirm or mentally impaired in any way. That's all I want to share and that's all that's relevant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bootsamillion
I'm a little confused about your question. Are these people family friends that are there or are they paid workers that are there for a reason and are being paid to be there.
I have absolutely no idea how you would get any impression this was a paid worker.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Some good responses to a somewhat vague question. This resonates with me quite a bit. It could be that the guest feels you would think it's rude to hole up in the guest room (so there's a disconnect re: expectations) or the living room is the only welcoming space that meets their needs (guest room is cold, hot, no well-lit spot to read, no comfortable furniture), or yes, they are at a loss for ideas of things to do during the visit and are expecting their host to come up with those. Then, when you don't do it, they end up sitting.
Maybe one way to clear some of this up without asking them point blank about why they're just sitting there would be to have a discussion before they ever arrive. What's their purpose in visiting besides chit chat with you? Offer them some easy ideas you've already thought about and set some plans. Obviously don't fill every minute with busyness, everyone needs down time, especially in an unfamiliar place. Just set a loose itinerary of little changes of scene. That will get them off their duff and off your last nerve.
Several answers in my previous responses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan
Is this houseguest like a family member who travels a far distance so stays many weeks at a time? They’re less on holiday but living their typical daily life, in your home? You’re living your usual life as well, not taking time off work to be with them, show them around the sights or entertain them?
I feel like it’s more universally understood that a guest does not shut themselves off to their host and stay in their room. If the guest is content reading in the living room and their mere presence bothers you, it’s on you to remove yourself to another room. I assume they’re making themselves available while also trying not to impose.
I would go crazy having a houseguest that long, but I would find other spaces to be in my own home than expect a guest to go to their temporary room.
Several answers in my previous responses.
I think it's unrealistic to expect the host or the guest to be 100% accomodating without any changing things up now and again. They can sit outside for a few hours, or in their room, or a walk for an hour or two here or there. And I'm not camping out in the living room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EveryLady
What I bolded of your text seems to be the problem. And yes, I can empathize. A friend accompanied me to a relative's house for, due to the distance, a longish visit. I'd invited the friend thinking he'd use the opportunity to explore an area of the country he loved - at times on his own while I worked with my daughter (on needed reading lessons) and got to know my brand new SIL better.
A person I thought very independent who loves solo exploring turned to total dependence. He sat sprawled legs out on the great room couch day after day watching CNN recycle for hours at a time. It drove my SIL batty. She wanted to cook in peace. Vacuum and tidy without a person staring at her. I do think part of being a good guest is being able to "read the room."
Being able to find silence when needed brings a peace. Likewise, it's not unusual for people to periodically want their space to not contain a virtual stranger, or anyone else for that matter.
OMG, so much yes! It is a little hard for me to believe whatever may have happened to have this person now be so sedentary and uninterested in most things. Just sit, read, cell phone, junk TV. Nothing else.
OMG, so much yes! It is a little hard for me to believe whatever may have happened to have this person now be so sedentary and uninterested in most things. Just sit, read, cell phone, junk TV. Nothing else.
What is it you want them to do? Go to the movies? Go to a museum or restaurant? Join a club or some sort of Meetup group? I get the impression they're a frequent visitor; have they already seen everything they want to in your town?
As I said, it sounds like a conversation is in order. Don't ask us why they do what they do (and you've been given possibilities)-- ask them. It would really suck if you've been miserable for this long that they're always around, and then next week they're posting here about how they go to stay with this family member and feel like they have to sit around the house and "be social" and like they'd be rude if they left or went to their room, but man, this family member is always hanging around and never seems to want to go do anything. I mean, have you ever even told them, "You know, {name of person}, you don't have to sit here hanging around with me/us all the time..."
What is it you want them to do? Go to the movies? Go to a museum or restaurant? Join a club or some sort of Meetup group? I get the impression they're a frequent visitor; have they already seen everything they want to in your town?
As I said, it sounds like a conversation is in order. Don't ask us why they do what they do (and you've been given possibilities)-- ask them. It would really suck if you've been miserable for this long that they're always around, and then next week they're posting here about how they go to stay with this family member and feel like they have to sit around the house and "be social" and like they'd be rude if they left or went to their room, but man, this family member is always hanging around and never seems to want to go do anything. I mean, have you ever even told them, "You know, {name of person}, you don't have to sit here hanging around with me/us all the time..."
I never asked for opinions on why they do what they do. Please re-read. I asked if anyone else finds being around excessively sedentary people somehow annoying, and some people gave me some interesting answers, which was nice.
I can't even understand most of the rest of your post.
We live in an area with virtually unlimited things to do. I don't truly care what they avail themselves of. We include them in some things, but we're too busy to be a full time entertainment director and everybody knows that. They know they have the run of the house, if all they want to do is sit and read there are literally a half-dozen comfy, nice places to do that, but they just sit in the middle of the great room and vegetate. Oh well. I'm not going to kick them out just to go do the same in another room to vegetate.
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"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
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Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
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Wondering if perhaps your guest is suffering some level of depression. It sounds as though they had a change in life circumstances that now require a helping hand from family members. I can imagine something like that might weigh on a person, make them want to 'escape' their immediate environment by withdrawing into a book, phone, or some other mindless distraction.
Wondering if perhaps your guest is suffering some level of depression. It sounds as though they had a change in life circumstances that now require a helping hand from family members. I can imagine something like that might weigh on a person, make them want to 'escape' their immediate environment by withdrawing into a book, phone, or some other mindless distraction.
That's what I'm wondering. Maybe someone's lost their spouse recently? And family members feel obligated to serve as a landing place for them to spend time away from the home they shared with that spouse? I can see that happening in my family, since my BIL died just last year. Although my SIL is super busy and the way she coped is to have some renovations done that she'd always wanted and now really loves her new space.
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