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I never asked for opinions on why they do what they do. Please re-read. I asked if anyone else finds being around excessively sedentary people somehow annoying, and some people gave me some interesting answers, which was nice.
I can't even understand most of the rest of your post.
We live in an area with virtually unlimited things to do. I don't truly care what they avail themselves of. We include them in some things, but we're too busy to be a full time entertainment director and everybody knows that. They know they have the run of the house, if all they want to do is sit and read there are literally a half-dozen comfy, nice places to do that, but they just sit in the middle of the great room and vegetate. Oh well. I'm not going to kick them out just to go do the same in another room to vegetate.
You're unable to understand my suggestion that you just talk to them? Why are you so against doing that?
For me personally, my living areas are where I hang out and watch TV, read, etc., and if someone is there constantly not doing anything and not being verbal, just acting like a potato, I would probably get a little peeved about it, because I like my privacy.
This situation wouldn't happen in my home because I wouldn't offer up my personal space for weeks at a time in the first place. But my house isn't as large as OP's apparently is, either, so the person would be a lot more in the way at my house.
To me, it's about having your personal space invaded. Even if they are being quiet and not doing anything, they are there. You can't act like yourself, like walking around without a bra or shorts, or make some Ramen without feeling like you have to offer some to the potato, etc. I get how it could be annoying.
That's what it sounds like to me. They are in your space for weeks at a time and it annoys you, not that they aren't very active.
Our house is literally one of the most comfortable places I can imagine, including the yard (we live in a great climate). Plenty of places to 'switch it up' all day.
They are welcome to join some things we do….
… It is a little hard for me to believe whatever may have happened to have this person now be so sedentary and uninterested in most things. Just sit, read, cell phone, junk TV. Nothing else.
It is your family member.
Don’t be judgmental.
You lucky to have a comfortable home - so you can remove yourself from the living room to avoid being annoyed.
To me it sounds like in-laws visit.
Perhaps, the cause of the annoyance is that you don’t have anything in common with the person, don’t really connect with them, hence they are technically a stranger who must be tolerated…but politely resented anyway
If you both speak the same language- perhaps you could attempt to get to know them better and try to find some way to relate to them?
Their sedentary habits isn’t the issue - the lack of personal closeness is.
Btw, sorry you have to go through this. The sacrifice we must do sometimes for our family.
Try to schedule a business or friends get-away during the period of visit to get them out of sight/out of mind for a bit if it is feasible
When I had my first baby, my mother came for a week and took care of everything, cooking, cleaning and helping with the baby. My MIL came the next week and sat on the couch, watched TV and asked me to get her things.
I was very upset about it at the time but now I've come to realize that some people are just like that. My MIL never changed. When she came to stay for a couple of weeks that's just how it was.
I'm a very active busy person, but I just visited my brother for 10 days and the down time was hard. We had planned activities every day but the hours before we left and after we got home were challenging. What can you do in someone else's home? I actually did cook for everyone but that doesn't take all day. We would hike around the area too. But I did get antsy with all the sitting around time.
When I had my first baby, my mother came for a week and took care of everything, cooking, cleaning and helping with the baby. My MIL came the next week and sat on the couch, watched TV and asked me to get her things.
I was very upset about it at the time but now I've come to realize that some people are just like that. My MIL never changed. When she came to stay for a couple of weeks that's just how it was.
I'm a very active busy person, but I just visited my brother for 10 days and the down time was hard. We had planned activities every day but the hours before we left and after we got home were challenging. What can you do in someone else's home? I actually did cook for everyone but that doesn't take all day. We would hike around the area too. But I did get antsy with all the sitting around time.
It's just hard being at someone else's home.
Per my bold of your text, it can be, yes. When I used to visit my Dad and stepmom during hot Florida summers I did fine hanging around their pool reading and doing laps. But when they moved and there was no pool and I was stuck inside the too warm house for endless hours on end - wow even with books, those down hours were tough. That I was using valuable vacation time from work didn't help my mood.
Also problematic for the OP: what the guest was doing - the activities the OP labelled "sedentary." If the householder thinks them somewhat meaningless then that adds to the pressure. In my story, it was the repetitive rerunning of the same CNN storylines ... for OP, the reading and scrolling thru the phone ... in yours the MIL just watching TV.
Now someone working online might process differently, even though the person remains on the couch. For me, their reading a book or using the computer for a project would be fine because that signals "active involvement" in essence telling me "the guest is fine, relax."
I'm really reluctant to share any details, but this person is a family member, and their long stay represents how we're best able to help with their life. All the siblings are doing what they can, and we all have very different lives and abilities and geographical realities. FYI, this family member is not infirm or mentally impaired in any way. That's all I want to share and that's all that's relevant. ...
OMG, so much yes! It is a little hard for me to believe whatever may have happened to have this person now be so sedentary and uninterested in most things. Just sit, read, cell phone, junk TV. Nothing else.
Perhaps this is the core issue. This is a family member, someone you care enough about to open your house to for long periods. Someone who appears to be encountering substantial life difficulties to where different relatives are chipping in to help. Then you see them show little interest in seemingly productive activities. That alone is a stressor, particularly if you relate it to their underlying problems. (I appreciate you don't want to discuss those further in this thread.)
It doesn't sound like you want to actively help rehab their life, nor should you. Still every sight of them on that couch may re-trigger your underlying worry or concern. The relative being out of the core center of the house might make it easier to refocus on your own tasks. What's the saying: out of sight out of mind.
And, of course, your relative doesn't have to life live "your way" and you can know that intellectually but that doesn't necessarily mean you are not stressed by seeing what represents dysfunction.
Perhaps this is the core issue. This is a family member, someone you care enough about to open your house to for long periods. Someone who appears to be encountering substantial life difficulties to where different relatives are chipping in to help. Then you see them show little interest in seemingly productive activities. That alone is a stressor, particularly if you relate it to their underlying problems. (I appreciate you don't want to discuss those further in this thread.)
It doesn't sound like you want to actively help rehab their life, nor should you. Still every sight of them on that couch may re-trigger your underlying worry or concern. The relative being out of the core center of the house might make it easier to refocus on your own tasks. What's the saying: out of sight out of mind.
And, of course, your relative doesn't have to life live "your way" and you can know that intellectually but that doesn't necessarily mean you are not stressed by seeing what represents dysfunction.
Exceptionally thoughtful and well written, thanks.
This person is, yes, a family member who has always been welcome in our home.
They are neither infirm nor having cognitive issues, but frankly just kind of chose to "sideline" themselves in some ways over the last 10 years or so. They stay with us for these periods because the other family members "need a break" from this downer energy.
Last edited by rokuremote; 05-24-2024 at 10:22 AM..
Reason: more stuff
You're unable to understand my suggestion that you just talk to them? Why are you so against doing that?
What?
Talk to them about what? Like "get out of the living room and go read in your room for a little while" like I'm scolding a lazy teenager?
Everyone is clear about the nature of the visit. It's talked about. This person knows my wife and I are not on vacation, and we talk to them about all they need to know about being in the house while we're busy. They're included in some activities, not all. And the ones they're not included in isn't out of spite or anything, it's just life. I'll remind them from time to time that I'd be happy to set up the chaise and umbrella if they want to read out there, etc.
Perhaps this is the core issue. This is a family member, someone you care enough about to open your house to for long periods. Someone who appears to be encountering substantial life difficulties to where different relatives are chipping in to help. Then you see them show little interest in seemingly productive activities. That alone is a stressor, particularly if you relate it to their underlying problems. (I appreciate you don't want to discuss those further in this thread.)
It doesn't sound like you want to actively help rehab their life, nor should you. Still every sight of them on that couch may re-trigger your underlying worry or concern. The relative being out of the core center of the house might make it easier to refocus on your own tasks. What's the saying: out of sight out of mind.
And, of course, your relative doesn't have to life live "your way" and you can know that intellectually but that doesn't necessarily mean you are not stressed by seeing what represents dysfunction.
A couple great posts in a row--I reflexively tried to 'rep' them both. In response to this one specifically, what you say here reminds me of the stress I experience when I observe my depressed father doing nothing, seemingly not even thinking about anything. He's been battling depression for the past five years, almost from the time he retired, and I've lashed out at him when I've seen him standing and staring at the wall, which is a rather frequent activity for him (when he's not sleeping. It's actually maddening to observe, and though I try to hold my tongue when I witness him acting like this, I sometimes lose the battle of willpower
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rokuremote
What?
Talk to them about what? Like "get out of the living room and go read in your room for a little while" like I'm scolding a lazy teenager?
Everyone is clear about the nature of the visit. It's talked about. This person knows my wife and I are not on vacation, and we talk to them about all they need to know about being in the house while we're busy. They're included in some activities, not all. And the ones they're not included in isn't out of spite or anything, it's just life. I'll remind them from time to time that I'd be happy to set up the chaise and umbrella if they want to read out there, etc.
Do they come across as maybe not wanting to be a burden? Instead of offering to set up the patio (which places a burden on you on their behalf) what would happen if you just set it up without saying anything, do you think they'd use it?
There could be a lot of different reasons for them to be sedentary. I think maybe some of us feel that if you had an idea of the reason behind it, maybe it would either help you tolerate it better or possibly find some sort of solution to it. Depression, not wanting to appear rude, discomfort in someone else's home, laziness, just plain old lack of manners, maybe something else entirely?
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