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A couple great posts in a row--I reflexively tried to 'rep' them both. In response to this one specifically, what you say here reminds me of the stress I experience when I observe my depressed father doing nothing, seemingly not even thinking about anything. He's been battling depression for the past five years, almost from the time he retired, and I've lashed out at him when I've seen him standing and staring at the wall, which is a rather frequent activity for him (when he's not sleeping. It's actually maddening to observe, and though I try to hold my tongue when I witness him acting like this, I sometimes lose the battle of willpower
That's a rough one, I'm sorry. Depression is a b** ch and it often presents itself in ways that make it hard to be super sympathetic.
Do they come across as maybe not wanting to be a burden? Instead of offering to set up the patio (which places a burden on you on their behalf) what would happen if you just set it up without saying anything, do you think they'd use it?
There could be a lot of different reasons for them to be sedentary. I think maybe some of us feel that if you had an idea of the reason behind it, maybe it would either help you tolerate it better or possibly find some sort of solution to it. Depression, not wanting to appear rude, discomfort in someone else's home, laziness, just plain old lack of manners, maybe something else entirely?
My impression, and if I'm believing the other family members' comments now and again, they've just kind of sidelined themselves, given up on many interests naturally. It's hard to explain but it doesn't present as depression. This person has always had a bit of a lazy streak too, though that isn't a concern here. But the word 'lazy' could describe their overall headspace which includes being able to entertain themselves.
I found myself in sort of the opposite situation a number of times: I was the houseguest finding myself frustrated/irritated by the sedentary, dismissive behavior of the host, my father. As he aged, he needed more and more help, so visits were more and more necessary and frequent. None of his daughters lived close by so visits were multi-day, expensive expeditions. He seemed to want the visits and the help (and did show appreciation once something was done), just not the socializing. On one hand I expected to help an elder parent catch up with chores that needed doing. Didn't resent that at all. What I did find myself resenting was his dismissal and disinterest. Then I'd resent that resentment and guilt.
He was always a nerdy pencil pusher who could happily spend entire days sitting at a desk jotting endless minutiae in his bank accounts and ledger books. He had lost interest in almost everything else. He never read for pleasure, hardly ever watched a movie, listened to music, maybe take a scenic drive or a stroll, had nothing to talk about other than money, didn't go anywhere, see anything. He liked and expected attention from his daughters but did nothing to welcome them. You'd arrive to a guest room/bath that hadn't been tidied or prepared for an arrival. Little things: no towels, TP, tissue in the bathroom, no clean sheets laid out on the bed. Sometimes the guest room lightbulbs had been scavenged to replace another burned out elsewhere in the house. You arrived to a dark room. No fresh groceries stocked for meals.
Once his guest arrived, he'd go right back to the ledger book seemingly forgetting all about them. OK, at least he was mentally active, but it would take him hours to do the simplest tasks and he'd procrastinate everything else. Like preparing a meal or deciding where to go out for one. Someone else would have to step up and do what was necessary. I started dreading these visits even though I loved him as a person and knew part of the reason for visiting was to do things that were now beyond him. There were a number of things he could easily have paid someone to do at any time. I knew I'd end up cleaning his grimy house top to bottom, bathing, grooming, or walking his matted dog, arrange to get his car serviced, hacking through the weeds in his townhome's small courtyard, shopping for, planning and cooking all the meals, then entertaining myself. His coastal southern CA house would be closed up tight and heated to 80F so I'd retreat to the grimy guestroom with a book and its sliding glass door to stay somewhat comfortable. He might notice he hadn't seen or heard his guest for most of the day and finally decide to see if they were still around.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-24-2024 at 03:50 PM..
I found myself in sort of the opposite situation a number of times.
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OMG I can so relate.
I have to put aside the chances of mental decline due to a real medical condition, but one of my greatest hopes/goals is to remain engaged and social up til the day I die.
I had a recent experience being around someone not too much younger than the person I am talking about in my OP, and he was unbelievably engaged, and sharp, and asked all kinds of relevant questions and listened. He's been retired for just under 10 years and has stayed relevant. I really enjoyed that and it gives me hope that being bored and sedentary is not a foregone conclusion.
I have to put aside the chances of mental decline due to a real medical condition, but one of my greatest hopes/goals is to remain engaged and social up til the day I die.
I had a recent experience being around someone not too much younger than the person I am talking about in my OP, and he was unbelievably engaged, and sharp, and asked all kinds of relevant questions and listened. He's been retired for just under 10 years and has stayed relevant. I really enjoyed that and it gives me hope that being bored and sedentary is not a foregone conclusion.
So if the person you're talking about in the OP is a bit older than a guy who's been retired just under 10 years, (s)he's likely pushing 80 years old? Have to think that your guest is at least 75...being sedentary might not be as frustrating given that age range. That said, my dad is 72, and his inactivity does cause me stress, as I mentioned earlier
The year before my late husband was diagnosed with cancer, he became a complete couch potato. He was only 49 years old and suddenly he didn’t want to do anything but just sit on the couch. I actually was deliberating how to manage this. He refused to go to the doctor or see a psychologist. After a while, I went on with riding my bike, shopping, going to movies, etc. Just let him be. It drove me crazy and I wondered if I was going to be able to continue on with him…… in the end of course he was sick.
However, I strongly relate to your frustration! At this point, seems like all you can do is muddle through this visit.
Is anyone else generally aggravated when they spend too much time with a sedentary person?
There's someone that stays with us in our home for a few weeks at a time (the reasons aren't important to my question) that is very sedentary and I find myself super bothered by it and I'm not entirely sure why.
If this person was more active I feel like I'd be far, far less bothered by their visits. And it's not like they're demanding or unhelpful when asked for something. But it just seems like it sucks the life out of the house and out of me to have them plopped down in the middle of the living room reading silently or staring at their cell phone all day. I want to tell them to go sit somewhere out of sight for a little while, LOL.
Maybe it triggers a feeling that I need to entertain them or make small talk constantly.
What say ye...anyone else sometimes feel this way around super sedentary people?
I would be FAR more bothered by anyone staying at my home for weeks, period.
As a sedentary person - mostly due to the nature of my job - I'm bothered by hyperactive people. I feel like I have to calm them or something. Ha ha! Just kidding.
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