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Up until this online dating phase I had never been rejected in a relationship or dating scenario. Up until I started online dating, I always let girls come to me and I dated the ones I liked, and then I was always the one ending it based on various justifiable reasons.
Interesting observation which might teach you something if you would re-read it.
Interesting observation which might teach you something if you would re-read it.
I know what you're getting at, but those days are behind me. Women no longer approach me and throw themselves at me like they did in my college days. (College was a special circumstance as I went to a university that was 80-20 girls to guys).
I wanted to give you some prespective from a woman (me) who met her HUSBAND online.
First, I almost quit the idea too, because I felt like I was meeting a ton of weirdos. You have to meet a lot of people to find anyone that is "right"... especially online!
Second, I'm not sure what your attitude is like in person, or while on dates. I know you were just venting online, but if I were thinking about dating you and I saw your first post on this thread, all I would see would be negative attitude, defeatist attitude, thinks everything is the woman's fault, no self confidence, self-fulfilling prophesy, expects to fail, sitting around waiting to fail, and I'd move on to the next prospect. Do you talk about your bad experiences with other online dates to these girls?
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I actually have asked. I asked one girl if I had done anything to upset her in anyway and that she could be completely honest and she said she honestly liked hanging out with me but she just didn't feel the connection.
This might have been a true statement. She may have liked you for your thoughts, values, conversation, intelligence, and that's why she went on a couple dates. She WANTED to like you. You can't force chemistry. You just can't. Perhaps she thought your were an awesome guy, but just wasn't feeling the attraction. These things aren't explainable. You just have to try again. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
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"It is really hard to find a special connection with another person and it is cruel to waste someone's time and allow them to become emotionally invested if it isn't going to go anywhere. Just because you haven't found that special connection yet doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. To be perfectly honest, you were one of the most well adjusted, kindest, and most endearing guys I met on Match.com. "
Again, this is probably why people are going on multiple dates with you. They aren't trying to waste your time, they are trying to feel a connection. A lack of connection can come from your lack of confidence. You can be adjusted, kind, endearing, but not sexy. Girls like confidence. If you are awkward and constantly second guessing every touch, every move, everything you say, that will kill the chemistry. Girls aren't trying to waste your time, they are trying to see if there are sparks, and because they think you are such a great guy, they go on a couple dates, hoping that sparks wills start to fly. Sparks and chemistry are not logical... you can't will yourself into feeling it, or feel it on purpose no matter how great a guy is.
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I can't see anything I've done wrong in past dates. Everything I've felt personally that was a borderline action or words to say I've run by others and they say it's nothing. An example of this would be if I joked around about something very innocent and they didn't laugh at it. Well sure you could say that was a turning off point or something, but if someone doesn't find me funny then that's not really my problem and I can't change my personality. Nothing I've done has been crossing the line or rude or weird. The quote above testifies to this.
It could be that you are just no funny to her. Perhaps it's a great joke, but her sense of humor is different. Or it's a joke that you are expecting to fall flat (self-fulfilling prophesy again!).
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2. It might eff with her head a little. I good woman friend of mine said that eventhough she didn't have plans to call you, it still might feel like a slight rejection to her since you didn't give a reason and might sting her a little bit, since she doesn't know why I did that.
I am sure she will figure it out, and probably doesn't care, or she'd have called in the last 2 weeks. Why would you intentially eff with someone's head, and then complain when you feel that people are doing it to you. Now you are the one playing the games, and you are the one being a jerk. Don't play the games back- it just makes you a hypocrite.
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Either way. I think I will stop. I did go on a first date today, I didn't really feel chemistry with the girl eventhough I enjoyed meeting her and talking to her.
Did she do something wrong? No, you just didn't feel the chemistry. You thought about going on a second date, and maybe if you did you'd feel chemistry. That's what these girls are thinking. Just cuz someone doesn't want a second date doesn't mean the other did something wrong.
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There's another girl that called me who wants to go out next week, but I think I'm just going to call that off. I really don't want to go through this stuff again, especially not back to back to back like I have. Maybe it's the close timeframe these "rejections" have occurred in that are getting to me. No time in between and they keep piling on before I'm even over the one before.
I think you should go and just have fun. If you stop caring, she might actually like you more. Don't invest in it. Just go for the heck of it, and have fun, and don't care how it turns out. You will be more yourself, and things won't be forced. I bet if you do that, it'll be a great date. Just do it for fun, and see what happens! Don't put any weight or pressure on it.
I know what you're getting at, but those days are behind me. Women no longer approach me and throw themselves at me like they did in my college days. (College was a special circumstance as I went to a university that was 80-20 girls to guys).
Well of course those days and that particular set of circumstances are behind you but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have learned/be learning from the past. I think you should seriously ponder the points raised by poster dmarie123 as I think you're sabotaging yourself by being over-analytical.
For goodness' sake, surely you date people to ENJOY yourself in the company of those who share at least some of your interests and you shouldn't be looking for the can of worms before you've even gone on the first date. Chill out, BE your age and get out of acting like a miserable loser! Really, this is all too depressing when a young tad like you is harping on so many negatives ...
cdubs have you ever been the rejector as opposed to the rejectee? Perhaps you just need to approach dating (whenever you get back to it) with the idea that the primary goal is to just have a good time.
If they don't like you, do you really want to date them?
Cdubs reminds me of a lot of the mistakes I made in my teens and 20's. He's more involved with the actual mechanics of everything rather than just having a good time. I don't think he can see the woods from the trees, despite all that people have told him.
Too bad but he'll have to figure it all out on his own in due time.
And yeah as I had to learn the hard way, why waste time on women that don't like you. I move on quickly.
I've related a story on here before about a girl I was going out with for a while that suddenly one night I got "let's be friends" laid on me. Sure. No problem. By the next evening I was going out with her roommate and we had a great time. The other girl came back at me quickly that I had moved on so fast. I said why have a mourning period, what is there to mourn over? Life moves pretty fast and you have to take advantage of every day. Why waste a moment of time on people that don't care for you?
It's one thing if we went out once, and she never called me again and I didn't call her.
But if we went out 3 times, and she had called me a couple times then I would've for sure called her back and told her that I wasn't interested. I don't care the reason why they end it, I'm just caught up on the so-called "standard" that it's ok to just ignore someone you've been out with multiple times. This girl I went on ONE date with I never said to her I would like to go out again. This last girl, at the end of date 3 said she would let me take her out again. She blatantly led me on and lied, and didn't have the respect to at least tell me.
Don't even go there.
I broke it off over the voicemail for my own CLOSURE. A friend thought I needed to end as this girl wasn't going to give me anything. Eventhough it was just a few dates, it deserved some sort of ending. And I did it to make me feel better, and it worked, I felt a ton better after I told her I wasn't interested in dating her anymore. My friend said on a SIDE NOTE that it would sting her a little, even if she had no intention of calling, she might wonder WHY I ended it, giving her a taste of what she put me through. I highly doubt this even constitutes as "revenge".
Sorry pal but it's time to grow a pair and mature a bit.
One major common thread I see with people with relationship problems is that they always create expectations and conditions in their mind for how they expect people to perform and act to them. Inevitably they always end up disappointed.
Ultimately no one in this world owes you an answer for anything. In life every situation is not finished up with a cute little bow on top. The quicker you come around to realizing that people don't owe you explanations, the quicker you will be a much happier person.
You can't force others into doing what you want. If the girl lied or didn't respect you, you can't change that.
Also don't waste time getting back at people that don't care for you. Talk about a waste of time, jeez!
Ccubs, Hello again. First off I want to say that I appreciate your honesty. It takes alot of ball s to come on here and be honest like that. From reading post after post, I would say disregard the negativity. Some people on here are inadvertantly sticking you, and I have to say you have taken it pretty good. Some people are just know it alls.
I don't really think that I have the answers for you. I do know that when you become frustrated with dating, that it seems to be easy to give up or look for the bad before it happens. Could be a little bit of self fullfilling prophecy. Who really knows?
Anyway, If I were to suggest anything it would be to perhaps lighten up on yourself. Sometimes in life we things just don't go well. We all have times when this occurs. Perhaps this is yours. Everybody no matter who they are have gone through dry spells where they find themselves thinking am I ugly, am I unlikable, am I needy, etc, etc. It will pass.
I would suggest taking a break from dating and all of the concerns that go with it. Almost everybody I've known has said what your saying. The problem with that is they were just feeling sorry for themselves and really still looking. Do your self a favor and really stop. And in that time get to know yourself a little better. Try to find that happiness outsife of a significant other. I mean really try, not just talk it. Find some new hobbies, or new friends. When you are feeling better about yourself, and become one with themselves, other people will see that, and women are attracted to happy, confident people. Just like men are with women. That's when whoever will come. It's always when we least expect it or want it. For whatever reason, love never works on "our" time. It's just one of those mysteries in life.
Give yourself a break, enjoy yourself your so young. Many people wish they could be your age again. Besides relationships aren't always what their cracked up to be. Sometimes being alone is the least stressful and most enjoyable.
You will find the right one, when fate decides. Until then, there is no reason to continually beat yourself up over it.
Good luck and no it is not you. Yes, "love" comes when you least expect it.
I know what you're getting at, but those days are behind me. Women no longer approach me and throw themselves at me like they did in my college days. (College was a special circumstance as I went to a university that was 80-20 girls to guys).
All those women you rejected and dumped, did you put much effort into considering their feelings as much as you expect women to do to you now?
All those women you rejected and dumped, did you put much effort into considering their feelings as much as you expect women to do to you now?
I was at least honest with them. I told them I didn't want to see them again and I told them why. I actually ended up staying friends with many of my ex's for this reason.
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Originally Posted by supermanpansy
Ccubs, Hello again. First off I want to say that I appreciate your honesty. It takes alot of ball s to come on here and be honest like that. From reading post after post, I would say disregard the negativity. Some people on here are inadvertantly sticking you, and I have to say you have taken it pretty good. Some people are just know it alls.
I don't really think that I have the answers for you. I do know that when you become frustrated with dating, that it seems to be easy to give up or look for the bad before it happens. Could be a little bit of self fullfilling prophecy. Who really knows?
Anyway, If I were to suggest anything it would be to perhaps lighten up on yourself. Sometimes in life we things just don't go well. We all have times when this occurs. Perhaps this is yours. Everybody no matter who they are have gone through dry spells where they find themselves thinking am I ugly, am I unlikable, am I needy, etc, etc. It will pass.
I would suggest taking a break from dating and all of the concerns that go with it. Almost everybody I've known has said what your saying. The problem with that is they were just feeling sorry for themselves and really still looking. Do your self a favor and really stop. And in that time get to know yourself a little better. Try to find that happiness outsife of a significant other. I mean really try, not just talk it. Find some new hobbies, or new friends. When you are feeling better about yourself, and become one with themselves, other people will see that, and women are attracted to happy, confident people. Just like men are with women. That's when whoever will come. It's always when we least expect it or want it. For whatever reason, love never works on "our" time. It's just one of those mysteries in life.
Give yourself a break, enjoy yourself your so young. Many people wish they could be your age again. Besides relationships aren't always what their cracked up to be. Sometimes being alone is the least stressful and most enjoyable.
You will find the right one, when fate decides. Until then, there is no reason to continually beat yourself up over it.
Good luck and no it is not you. Yes, "love" comes when you least expect it.
Thanks for the kind words. I am my own worst critic, that's for sure.
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Originally Posted by wanneroo
Sorry pal but it's time to grow a pair and mature a bit.
One major common thread I see with people with relationship problems is that they always create expectations and conditions in their mind for how they expect people to perform and act to them. Inevitably they always end up disappointed.
Ultimately no one in this world owes you an answer for anything. In life every situation is not finished up with a cute little bow on top. The quicker you come around to realizing that people don't owe you explanations, the quicker you will be a much happier person.
You can't force others into doing what you want. If the girl lied or didn't respect you, you can't change that.
Also don't waste time getting back at people that don't care for you. Talk about a waste of time, jeez!
This seems a lot more like you're understanding my problem. Many people I feel have thrown out the "self-fulfilling prophecy" term like I'm sabotaging myself on these dates as I just sit there all awkwardly and get nervous and have a negative attitude with these women. THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I'm very positive, I always remain positive, I am very easily comfortable on these dates as I'm in OUTSIDE SALES, I do this for a living, I break the ice, I make people laugh, I know how to have a good time.
But Wanneroo has hit the nail on the head. It's not that I'm expecting to fail, it seems more like I'm expecting certain things to happen just because I had a few really great dates with someone.
I guess I have taken scenarios to mean something more than they are, for example:
- Girl kissing me at end of date
- Girl asking me to walk her home, then mauling me for a kiss at the end of date
- Girl telling me she'd like to go out again
- Girl introducing me to her friends
- Talking for 5+ hours on a date
I guess I take the above situations as positive indicators that we have a connection and I positively believe that something is going to develop. I try to remain objective and understand that it may not turn out that way, but I guess I get a little too emotionally attached. I don't want to marry them next day, I don't even want them to be my gf right away....I just want to know I'll get to see them again. If they don't want to see me, I want to know up front.
And honestly, I WISH I had girls tell me up front they aren't interested or the "let's just be friends" line. I can deal with that, it's not the rejection, it's the fade away with nothing. I guess it's just something I have to learn to get over because speaking to many others about it, it seems like this is commonplace and I'm the one with unreasonable expectations. Up until this week I thought this only happened to me, I felt women were discontinuing contact with me because I was doing something wrong and that no one else gets this treatment, but now I realize that's just how it is. It still sucks, I still hate it, but after some time maybe I can just accept it.
Where do you live? Is it a big city or small town?
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Originally Posted by cdubs3201
I guess I have taken scenarios to mean something more than they are, for example:
- Girl kissing me at end of date
- Girl asking me to walk her home, then mauling me for a kiss at the end of date
- Girl telling me she'd like to go out again
- Girl introducing me to her friends
- Talking for 5+ hours on a date
I guess I take the above situations as positive indicators that we have a connection and I positively believe that something is going to develop. I try to remain objective and understand that it may not turn out that way, but I guess I get a little too emotionally attached. I don't want to marry them next day, I don't even want them to be my gf right away....I just want to know I'll get to see them again. If they don't want to see me, I want to know up front.
Sounds like you're a victim of hookup culture. It seems you are doing well with them, but then you try to play the classic dating style instead of hooking up with them. They want sex, have been groomed by society to expect it now, and they move on to guys that aren't afraid to pull the trigger and bang their brains out. That's the reality of dating today. Also, as a rule when a girl is dating several guys the first one to have sex with them wins over the rest. Even if you spend 6 hours building an awesome connection, if she goes out with Joe Thug the next night and he pounds her out after 30 minutes of talking, she's the one she'll build that physical and chemical connection in the brain with.
Last edited by Nutz76; 06-15-2010 at 12:22 PM..
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. The other girl came back at me quickly that I had moved on so fast. I said why have a mourning period, what is there to mourn over? Life moves pretty fast and you have to take advantage of every day. Why waste a moment of time on people that don't care for you?
