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You have learned that you don't look for a mate to complete you or to make you happy. You have to first make yourself happy and complete. Then, you have something to offer a SO, and your relationship will be healthier and happier.
I don't think these two messages necessarily contradict each others.
I think the message is that you don't need a man for practical reasons anymore. You don't need to rely on men for security/stability. Women can be independant. And happy on their own.
And only then will you find someone that you truly love and not just some guy who offers a roof over your head (not exactly "a life with love").
Well I've been a hopeless romantic from birth but I've come to the conclusion that if you have one great love in your life, even if it doesn't last, that's lucky. It's not the other way around--if you don't meet the great love of your life, you are not unlucky.
I'm not being negative here, just realistic, b/c the fact is that most people never do find a true love. That's not to say that we don't have love in our lives--we surely do. And we are built to need one another--it's our greatest strength and our greatest downfall. As for the lack of "true love"--part of this is that maybe we have unrealistic expectations of what true love is, and maybe we have met several possible true loves in our lives but it didn't click b/c of life circumstances--who knows? Is it real anyway? Some say that what most of us think of as love is really just a transitory feeling that doesn't last past 2 years, which is why there is so much divorce. And if the love and bonding do last past 2 years, it will have changed into another feeling like caring and if you still care, then you can get married but not before. As for caring--that can come whether you were ever "in love" with a person or not--that's why arranged marriages seem to work as well on average as ones where you met and fell in love. Well that was all over the place, but I guess what I'm saying is that love is not guaranteed, so you need to be strong in yourself and all your other relationships in case it never comes. And if it does, it's a bonus. And don't get married right away.
FTR: I'm still a hopeless romantic, but romance comes in many forms. For me the romance is in the call of the open road and the music I listen to and in poetry.
I saw this in a book I am reading about single women and it really made me think:
On the one hand, we are told by movies and love songs, and our own personal experience at times, that a life without love is a tragedy; it's one of the worst fates imaginable. On the other hand, we are also told that w're not supposed to need a man in our lives. That we're vital, fantastic people who are fabulous the way we are. So which is it? Is it a tragedy if we never have the love we are searching for, or is that an old-fashioned, antifeminist notion?
It's true!
I used to believe the former - life without love is a tragedy. I am pathetic if I am alone.
As I have grown older I have come to realise you shouldn't rely on others for your own happiness, and it's a good feeling.
Any opinions?
Men started to figure this out starting about 35 years ago.
I agree, all these mixed messages, its mind numbing. What I have found works is keeping a journal. I just write and write and write. I don't watch any cheesy romance movies (only the classics, thank you), and I don't read self-help books.
Oh I hate the cheesy romantic movies. They give women such a false sense of what the perfect man/relationshiop should be, in my opinion. Women are forever disappointed because their boyfriend isn't like one of those fall to the floor and pour his heart out type guys in such bullturd movies like He's Just Not That Into You.
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