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He's right though, and the truth often hurts. That said, nothing dishonest about wanting to be with a successful man.... But to settle for a drunk when you're 25, smells like you have low esteem and think you can't do any better.
I'm not hurt by truth. Maybe he's overlooking the fact that I'm a financially unstable, anxiety-ridden waitress who still lives in her ex's house and has nearly nothing of her own, because he finds me young and attractive, the fact is we all have major flaws and we want to find a person at least willing, if not to overlook them, to search for other redeeming qualities about our person. I don't think I'm 'settling' for him in the least, I initially felt very excited I found a man who didn't turn me off majorly in any single respect, but I found out like any other person that he's human and imperfect. But I'm still very enamored with him.
I'm not hurt by truth. Maybe he's overlooking the fact that I'm a financially unstable, anxiety-ridden waitress who still lives in her ex's house and has nearly nothing of her own, because he finds me young and attractive, the fact is we all have major flaws and we want to find a person at least willing, if not to overlook them, to search for other redeeming qualities about our person. I don't think I'm 'settling' for him in the least, I initially felt very excited I found a man who didn't turn me off majorly in any single respect, but I found out like any other person that he's human and imperfect. But I'm still very enamored with him.
And I'm still 24.
There are imperfections and then they are glaringly obvious major flaws that will have a detrimental effect on your life. Learn to distinguish between the two and it will save you a lot of heartache.
I'm trying to make a relationship work (or at least, remain a close friend to) a man that I know has a problem with alcohol.
He also injects steroids and it contributes to his moodiness I believe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick
Maybe he's overlooking the fact that I'm a financially unstable, anxiety-ridden waitress who still lives in her ex's house and has nearly nothing of her own, because he finds me young and attractive, the fact is we all have major flaws and we want to find a person at least willing, if not to overlook them, to search for other redeeming qualities about our person.
There are character flaws, and then there are dealbreakers. Your guy not only has problems with alcohol, but he also uses steroids. In my mind, this defines dealbreaker with a capital "D". What are your dealbreakers...what will you NOT tolerate?
What are your dealbreakers...what will you NOT tolerate?
There are a ton. Not working, not ambitious, not taking care of one's fitness and appearance and home, being obnoxiously self-centered, being casually judgmental, misogyny, the list goes on...
Does anyone non-judgmental have an experience in this regard? Do you just discard people because they have addiction problems, or just assume that it's that easy for other peoplel?
I'm trying to make a relationship work (or at least, remain a close friend to) a man that I know has a problem with alcohol. I posted about our relationship issues earlier, but I've had a hiatus from this forum and we broke up (essentially I sent him a text message saying he wasn't the right person for me) and got back together again now that I'm having my own major problems and need support. He's fourteen years my senior and more well established than I am, so it's hard for me to be in the position to give him life advice. My sister's advice is essentially, "Why can't you date someone normal?" when her husband is unemployed but that's another matter.
I feel really good when I can just escape from my life and work and stay at his house in the Hamptons, but he has major anxiety and I think that lends to some of his addiction issues. He also injects steroids and it contributes to his moodiness I believe. I'm also disappointed with his behavior and his seeming unwillingness to change and I think he thinks that I'm just some docile, obedient young woman there to serve his needs and not question what he does. For example, I tell him pedicures are great because it's good to have someone massaging your legs and feet and he's like, "Why do I need that? I have you to do all that." And I love massaging him and scratching his back as it pleases him and I tend towards being non-verbal in my affection, but I have a lot of opinions, I'm very strong willed, and I'm certainly not docile. I think he thinks because I'm quiet I have no issues, things just have to be drawn out of me and I act in different ways when I'm displeased instead of being verbal. My mom taught me that, my family is immigrant.
Not even a week before we decide to try again, he drunk dials me AGAIN, and this time he's angry drunk, accusing me of not wanting to talk to him or hear from him and accusing me of sleeping around. I ask him if he's drunk and he slurs that he isn't, but then confesses to me he's done a "little bit" of drinking. I tell him I want to go to sleep and he's disturbing me, He tells me that I have nothing else better to do than to wake up for or do accept to wait for him (YES! Unbelievable!) and that I'm lying about why I have to get off the phone. I hear him telling someone in the background he's safe to drive, and the person is disagreeing with him. Then HE hangs up on ME. For about 10 minutes, I try to lie back down and relax because I have my own stessors, and then I start calling him back, worried, wanting to make sure he's home and safe because I know sometimes he's injured himself while intoxicated. I call 4 times and he doesn't pick up and I leave him 2 upset voicemails. Then I fall asleep again and he starts calling me again at 6:30 am but I'm solidly asleep and when I wake up, I ignore it.
I think he is definitely deserving of a strong woman behind him but I don't know if I'm that person (I know he sounds like a monster in the tidbit I shared, but the bulk of the time we are together he is sober, adorable, affectionate, and loving). I'm not verbal and I don't put my foot down. I have avoidant tendencies and we both have anxiety problems. But I think about him constantly, not just because I'm worried about him, but because of what he does psychologically for me. It's hard for me to find someone I'm really into psychologically and physically and I'm always dissatisfied, but everything about him does it for me. I just can't be his therapist, but I want to be his girlfriend still. I don't know if it's going to work though. I expect a hailstorm of personal criticism but I don't really care. I just needed to vent.
I do have experience with loving an addict. If you are going to choose to stay with this man, you must face a few things. It is extremely unlikely that he will ever change for the better. It is extremely likely that his drinking and related behavioral issues are going to get worse over time. Bear in mind that although they might look different from one another or on the surface seem to have different personalities, all addicts are basically the same person, and that person is a narcissictic person who is not just being inconsiderate, they genuinely do not have the ability to see beyond their own needs or see things from your point of view. This rarely changes even if the person stops drinking or using. There are a few addicts who do manage to change their mental and emotional patterns, but they are few and far between.
Yes, anxiety place a huge part, both on the part of the addict and the codependent/caretaker. You get something from each other--like the saying goes, "They are a perfect couple. The rocks in his head match the holes in hers." He's providing you with the crises that you need for some reason. This isn't a healthy way to live.
By your own post, you base your actions either on what he says/does, even when you tell yourself that you are in control or rebelling by not answering his phone calls. Do you have imaginary conversations with him in your head, trying to figure out what you could say or do to make him act differently? I would bet money that you do. Do you think that your upset voicemails will have any effect on him other than for him to turn what you said around and make them a fault of yours? They won't.
I laughed when I saw your last sentence. That is typical of the codependent type--expecting criticism at every turn. I'm wondering if you see my post as criticism as well. That would be typical. I can relate.
The only way to change is for you to make structural change in the way you relate to other people. You don't say what those things are that he does for you psychologically, but therein lies the key. You have a view of life that may not be accurate but that you do not question--we all do to some degree. When that framework within which we view life is causing us to get into harmful relationships, however, the only way to fix it is to start peeling away the layers of our defenses and change what might have worked for us once but no longer does. Change is truly a scary process and brings up a lot of disturbing emotions, but in the end you come out stronger and more YOU.
Some people found this through organizations like Al-Anon. That did not work at all for me. I fortunately found a good therapist on the first try, and through that I came to realize things about myself I never knew. Therapy is not about going back to find out if your mommy toilet trained you wrong or something, as is often depicted in movies and whatnot. It's about using the therapist as a blank slate off which you bounce your most basic beliefs about life and finding out sometimes that there is a different way than the only one you knew.
Just please get one thing through your head as a start. He is not going to change for you because he loves you so much or anything else, and your decisions should not be made based on what he will do or say.
And with the steroid (ab)use, the major factor in that is that he felt the need to cover it up and not tell the truth. The steroid use, while vain and somewhat irresponsible (I feel, particularly for someone who has been huge most of his adult life), is not like heroin use and I feel like some people I talk to overblow the issue.
There are a ton. Not working, not ambitious, not taking care of one's fitness and appearance and home, being obnoxiously self-centered, being casually judgmental, misogyny, the list goes on...
Steroids and alcohol are not part of any fitness regime I'm aware of.
I've been there, too, but his problem didn't emerge until years after we married and had a child. And an addictive personality will often manifest itself in many ways. It wasn't just one addiction, it became multiple addictions.
Save yourself. You won't be able to save him.
Wow. You were married to my ex-husband, too? My ex also went downhill after the birth of our child.
Like I said. All addicts are the same person with a different face.
I'm not hurt by truth. Maybe he's overlooking the fact that I'm a financially unstable, anxiety-ridden waitress who still lives in her ex's house and has nearly nothing of her own, because he finds me young and attractive, the fact is we all have major flaws and we want to find a person at least willing, if not to overlook them, to search for other redeeming qualities about our person. I don't think I'm 'settling' for him in the least, I initially felt very excited I found a man who didn't turn me off majorly in any single respect, but I found out like any other person that he's human and imperfect. But I'm still very enamored with him.
And I'm still 24.
If you can't make something out of nothing when you are 24, you never will. Things don't get easier as you get older, they get harder. Get your act together now while it's still easy to be broke. You don't want to be broke when you are my age... I have seen it in my old classmates and it isn't pretty. At the rate you are going, you will end up alone AND poor. No, money isn't everything but being poor sucks.
Steroids and alcohol are not part of any fitness regime I'm aware of.
I'm talking about deliberate disregard of such, i.e., never exercising, or eating unhealthy foods that contribute to obesity (of course, I look for things I like in myself, I've been a vegetarian for years and more recently I've transitioned to a low fat, low calorie diet). He is very physically fit and works out for 2-3 hours a day, and his body looks like it. Of course when I see his hands shake I get very sad, because he looks like someone who is in excellent health and it is certainly fitter than I am.
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My ex also went downhill after the birth of our child. 