Recognizing When You're Being Too Picky (dating, movies, marriage, women)
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It's always interesting to hear people list out their requirements for what they're looking for in a partner. Some people are pretty vague while others are incredibly specific. It's also easy to look at someone else's list and tell if they're being too picky. But it's a lot harder to look at yourself objectively. What you think are reasonable standards someone else might call unrealistic. Eventually you might figure it out on your own. Or maybe it doesn't register until someone else points it out to you. Sadly, some people never figure it out and may even get worse over time. Has this happened to you where you had a list of requirements and then, one day, you realized you were being unrealistic? Or maybe someone else made you realize it. Just curious to hear what you realized you were being too picky about, how you came to that realization, and how long it took you to finally accept it.
I'll start. For the longest time, I told myself I would never date someone who had been married before. Divorce may not have as much stigma as it used to, but it took me a while to not look at a divorced person and think "this person isn't cut out for marriage." I think it finally hit me when I reached my 30s. A lot of my friends were getting divorced and a lot of the people I was meeting had also been previously married. So now I no longer care if someone was married before because I know that good people can do everything right and still might not be able to make their marriage last. The exception, of course, is if you discover the person's been married 5 times already.
As a recently divorced 29 yo man w no children I have debated the question of being "picky". I think one has to be careful how one defines this "picky" condition. For example. In my present location, there is no statistically relevant population of childless women between 25-30 and the under 25 crowd is simply too restless and immature to want to pursue a serious relationship. Nobody is getting any younger. Is there such a thing as picky by proxy? I.e. A guy from Nigeria has a thing for blondes but because he can't find any, is now 'picky'? I don't think that's an accurate assessment at all.
I don't think seeking partners according to uber-specific physical criteria is at all realistic, but I do think one is entitled to consider larger "stage of life" criteria as justifiable metrics in the search for someone to create a life with. If it just so happens that it prices you out of the market, tough. I don't think lowering your expectations is inherently virtuous; people (myself included) are just so deathly afraid of being alone, that they get right back in the same hole of unhappy circumstances they came from. Lowering expectations doesn't solve your problem, it merely replaces one hardship for another.
Don't be fickle in your expectations, but don't settle. I settled and it didn't work out well. Be true to your desires, and if it leads to your lonesomeness, then live with that. I rather do that than walk on eggshells for the rest of my life.
What is picky? Saying I don't want to get involved with someone who has been in jail? That was me, until I did meet someone who had been in jail, and I really liked him, so I comprimised my values, and went out with him for awhile, and guess what? I regretted it. So, now, I have my standards, and have decided that those are the standards, if a guy can't meet the ones I have, I am not interested. And my standards are pretty reasonable...have a job, don't live with mom, has not been in jail, have a car, that is it.
I think a long list of Must Haves is really a sign of immaturity, a clue that the person in question really hasn't grown past the realm of Disney movies where the scullery maid winds up marrying the prince.
Case in point? Single guys, when any single woman starts telling you she's looking for Mr. Right or a Knight in Shining Armor, what they're really saying is that they want a myth, and they expect you to live up to it 24/7 for the rest of your cotton-picking life. It means that they're not looking for a flesh-and-blood person, but an ideal. And woe be unto anyone who fails to live up to them.
And, likewise, men who expect the 38-24-26 sex goddess who cheerfully brings them coffee and blueberry pancakes in bed after yet another night of humpalumpadingdong are going to face a similar letdown.
We have a friend like that. When she was cute and in her mid-20s, she expected a man to be really attractive, really well-off, never married before, considerate, kind, love her dog, be handy around the house, etc. etc. etc. No, I'm not exaggerating. And while Kristie was cute, she wasn't all that. So while all these really nice guys kept making overtures, she found some ridiculous reason to keep him at arm's length. Once, we fixed her up with this really great guy, but she didn't like him because he was a carpenter. Never mind that carpenters make really good money. She really wanted somebody with a law degree or an MBA.
Now? She's 41 and, as she put it, "I'll settle for somebody with a job and clean underwear."
Here's the funny thing. Perfection is boring. Our flaws typically are what make us interesting and give us definition and character. I mean, I certainly have my quirks that Mrs. CPG must put up with, and she has hers. But love is accepting someone for who he/she is, warts and all. To expect perfection in someone else is really imposing a terrible burden on someone who, just maybe, wants to occasionally sit inside drinking beer and watching ESPN. It is not allowing that person to be human. And, ultimately, if you look for what is unattainable, the chances are almost 100% you won't find it.
So yes. Being choosy is important. But being too picky is a surefire way to find loneliness and unhappiness.
Here's the funny thing. Perfection is boring. Our flaws typically are what make us interesting and give us definition and character. I mean, I certainly have my quirks that Mrs. CPG must put up with, and she has hers. But love is accepting someone for who he/she is, warts and all. To expect perfection in someone else is really imposing a terrible burden on someone who, just maybe, wants to occasionally sit inside drinking beer and watching ESPN. It is not allowing that person to be human. And, ultimately, if you look for what is unattainable, the chances are almost 100% you won't find it.
So yes. Being choosy is important. But being too picky is a surefire way to find loneliness and unhappiness.
I agree. I think part of the problem is that people look around and always see someone they think is better. Maybe they have a great partner, but then they see someone who's better looking, makes more money, is funnier, etc. and so they start telling themselves they settled. People do this with jobs, cars, phones, etc. so it's not surprising when they do it with people. But at some point, you have to say this is good enough and I don't need better. Unfortunately, some people are so terrified of feeling like they settled that they never lower their expectations. It's also a way of protecting yourself from being disappointed. If no one lives up to your standards of perfection, then you take comfort in knowing there's nothing wrong with you. It's just the rest of the world that's the problem. But if you "settle" for less than perfect, you might have this nagging feeling that you could've done better if you had just held out longer. Chris Rock made a joke about that. He said women are angry at their men because the men weren't the women's first choice. Like all good jokes, there's an element of truth to it. I'm sure a lot of women (and men) feel that way about their partners.
Yes, I suppose you can be too "picky" but what does that matter? You're not harming anyone except - maybe - yourself. Of course, it's good to realize it if you are being unrealistic - but unrealistic is not the same as highly (and appropriately) selective.
I had a lot of criteria (i.e., must, and must not) when I was dating. Yes, that restricted my candidate pool considerably. That was a good thing, actually, and eventually I found someone who was everything I'd wanted - and more.
I think a long list of Must Haves is really a sign of immaturity, a clue that the person in question really hasn't grown past the realm of Disney movies where the scullery maid winds up marrying the prince.
Case in point? Single guys, when any single woman starts telling you she's looking for Mr. Right or a Knight in Shining Armor, what they're really saying is that they want a myth, and they expect you to live up to it 24/7 for the rest of your cotton-picking life. It means that they're not looking for a flesh-and-blood person, but an ideal. And woe be unto anyone who fails to live up to them.
And, likewise, men who expect the 38-24-26 sex goddess who cheerfully brings them coffee and blueberry pancakes in bed after yet another night of humpalumpadingdong are going to face a similar letdown.
We have a friend like that. When she was cute and in her mid-20s, she expected a man to be really attractive, really well-off, never married before, considerate, kind, love her dog, be handy around the house, etc. etc. etc. No, I'm not exaggerating. And while Kristie was cute, she wasn't all that. So while all these really nice guys kept making overtures, she found some ridiculous reason to keep him at arm's length. Once, we fixed her up with this really great guy, but she didn't like him because he was a carpenter. Never mind that carpenters make really good money. She really wanted somebody with a law degree or an MBA.
Now? She's 41 and, as she put it, "I'll settle for somebody with a job and clean underwear."
Here's the funny thing. Perfection is boring. Our flaws typically are what make us interesting and give us definition and character. I mean, I certainly have my quirks that Mrs. CPG must put up with, and she has hers. But love is accepting someone for who he/she is, warts and all. To expect perfection in someone else is really imposing a terrible burden on someone who, just maybe, wants to occasionally sit inside drinking beer and watching ESPN. It is not allowing that person to be human. And, ultimately, if you look for what is unattainable, the chances are almost 100% you won't find it.
So yes. Being choosy is important. But being too picky is a surefire way to find loneliness and unhappiness.
CPG, once again you wrote a post w/ lots of logic and common sense. I know a woman who turned 41 this year. We knew each other in college and I once had the hots for her because she's pretty and frankly, hot - and at her age, she still is. In school many men were into her.
"Sue" fits what you described. It was in 2001-2002 (when she was only 31-32... go figure) that she began to feel "old." She admitted to me after I asked some tough questions that since adolescence men had always given her attention and she never had problems getting dates. And a few times, she received marriage proposals - and she turned them all down. Now, men began to go for women in their early-mid 20s and she felt age taking its toll.
Looking back at those conversations, as I am now in my late 30s and have seen plenty of women in their mid-late 30s not yet find their men, it was odd Sue despaired so soon. But she's still unmarried, and had she been less picky, she'd probably have 2 or 3 kids by now.
Now, CPG... since you've seen much... have you seen cases when people go the extreme opposite? That they lower their standards TOO MUCH and accept a person who wasn't just quirky - they accept a person who was outright dangerous or crazy or worse?
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I've the feeling I got some wax in my hair, too!
