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CPG, once again you wrote a post w/ lots of logic and common sense. I know a woman who turned 41 this year. We knew each other in college and I once had the hots for her because she's pretty and frankly, hot - and at her age, she still is. In school many men were into her.
"Sue" fits what you described. It was in 2001-2002 (when she was only 31-32... go figure) that she began to feel "old." She admitted to me after I asked some tough questions that since adolescence men had always given her attention and she never had problems getting dates. And a few times, she received marriage proposals - and she turned them all down. Now, men began to go for women in their early-mid 20s and she felt age taking its toll.
Looking back at those conversations, as I am now in my late 30s and have seen plenty of women in their mid-late 30s not yet find their men, it was odd Sue despaired so soon. But she's still unmarried, and had she been less picky, she'd probably have 2 or 3 kids by now.
Now, CPG... since you've seen much... have you seen cases when people go the extreme opposite? That they lower their standards TOO MUCH and accept a person who wasn't just quirky - they accept a person who was outright dangerous or crazy or worse?
Well, duh. Just read the posts on here. I can't believe some of the idiotic situations people get themselves into.
Well, duh. Just read the posts on here. I can't believe some of the idiotic situations people get themselves into.
I mean people you know. dude, I don't feel like reading all the drama-infested threads that get started here. I asked you because you're one of the better posters here.
Oh. Well, yeah. I've known women and men like that. Their standards were incredibly rarefied while they weren't real prizes themselves.
Just a few off the top of my head?
-- A guy I knew who was a lawyer. A kind of dump, loud, obnoxious lawyer who thought he was God's gift to women. He basically used, crumpled up and tossed away a lot of women in his 20s and early 30s, then finally married someone who did the same to him. A shame, because there were some really great women whom he treated badly.
-- A woman I went to college with who was getting her RN so, as she put it, "I can get my MRS degree." Turned up her nose at a lot of guys. Eventually, she married a promising young surgeon, who then started porking his office manager. She's back to being a nurse at age 43.
-- And, of course, the aforementioned woman in my previous post.
Yes, I suppose you can be too "picky" but what does that matter? You're not harming anyone except - maybe - yourself. Of course, it's good to realize it if you are being unrealistic - but unrealistic is not the same as highly (and appropriately) selective.
I think the potential harm is that your pickiness can be contagious. While everyone likes to think they have a mind of their own, the truth is that we can be pretty easily influenced by our friends and family. Think about how often your friends or parents say you deserve this or that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner
Now, CPG... since you've seen much... have you seen cases when people go the extreme opposite? That they lower their standards TOO MUCH and accept a person who wasn't just quirky - they accept a person who was outright dangerous or crazy or worse?
I've seen this. The person got married in their 20s, got divorced in their 30s and maybe had a kid or two along the way. Now they go back out in the dating world feeling like they're being penalized for their age and/or kids. So they lower their standards only to regret it later. And after getting burned, the pendulum swings the other way and they raise their standards too much because they had such a bad experience when they settled.
Personally I think people have too many fanticies, and preloaded ideas what their life would be like if . Creating these fanticies has no foundation thus dragging it into a relationship is certain dissapointment. I've seen some not so handsom guys with really beautiful women and vise versa.
I have been seperated a number of years now, held on to a marriage 35 years. the lack of communication is the divider in this one.
Fanticies we had were not the same , though in the beginning she implied to have my dream as well , time proved otherwise.
So dishonesty ,in the building of a relationship is in the end detramental.
I had visited several sites just looking for some one JUST to talk to , but women I contacted, didn't read my statements , they just looked at my picture. any thing I said, went in one ear and out the other. they all wanted to establish a perminant relationship, and I had made it clear that was not possable and I do not horse around. I have sence given up 4 years is enough . People don't read or listen , but to the agenda on their own mind.
Yes I am opinionated, I have thought out life many times and am open to learn as well , but actually find some one that can actually hold conversation for more than a muinet , is hard. Os I guess you could say yes I am picky, I like the truth and I like real conversation . People who THINK.
I once read that the happiest couples are the ones who both think that they "got the better deal" with the other. When it seems like you really scored big (found someone even better than yourself) and your partner thinks the same thing about you.
That makes sense because neither one is settling. You both believe you got incredibly lucky.
Edited to add:
I have 4 cousins who are women in their late thirties/early 40s, all sisters. They are all attractive, ambitious women, raised by a very capable, successful single mom (my aunt P). Aunt P instilled in them that they never should settle because they are strong, capable, beautiful, independent women. Well, that is true, and they all had great fun in their twenties and early thirties living it up, never marrying, dumping boyfriends who adored them, even scoffing at me because I got married at 24 to a man who was obviously not prince charming. because in their minds they were to never settle, my aunt P had really set the bar high as to encouraging this.
Now they are all in the late 30s' and early 40s. None of them have had a relationship for more than three years. From the word I have been hearing from family, they are at the cusp of now feeling a bit tired and ready to settle down. The problem is that the attention from the successful prince charmings is now rare. Their fears of settling actually kept them from finding wonderful men throughout their lives.
So yeah, I married someone without a checklist who just made me feel good to be with. It did not work out and we divorced but I would not go back and change that. I think loving someone is a risk when they don't fill up the score card fully but hey, no one is perfect and its the imperfections that make life great and interesting. I feel that I have loved and lost and LIVED and felt and laughed and grieved so much more than my cousins who still sit up on their high horses, now wondering why life has passed them by.
Last edited by Missy.Rivers; 10-07-2010 at 10:38 AM..
I really don't see the point of settling with a relationship. If thats what you have to do you may just be happier single. You settle on things you have no power over. Not the person you are suppose to spend your life with.
I really don't see the point of settling with a relationship. If thats what you have to do you may just be happier single. You settle on things you have no power over. Not the person you are suppose to spend your life with.
I think the word "settle" might throw people off i think the op is bascially talking about trying to find the perfect unflawed person which doesnt exist or having strict requirements on some more trivial things in the scheme of things..
I agree that i dont think peopel should just settle with anyone because they dont want to be alone thats crazy and not fair to you or the other person
I agree that i dont think peopel should just settle with anyone because they dont want to be alone thats crazy and not fair to you or the other person
Thats how I feel about it too. Now to figure out what the difference is between settling and realistic expectations. I think if you plant that word "settle" that may mean you are compromising too much and just swinging to a differently toned extreme that is just as unbalanced as the perfectionist one.
We have a friend like that. When she was cute and in her mid-20s, she expected a man to be really attractive, really well-off, never married before, considerate, kind, love her dog, be handy around the house, etc. etc. etc. No, I'm not exaggerating. And while Kristie was cute, she wasn't all that. So while all these really nice guys kept making overtures, she found some ridiculous reason to keep him at arm's length. Once, we fixed her up with this really great guy, but she didn't like him because he was a carpenter. Never mind that carpenters make really good money. She really wanted somebody with a law degree or an MBA.
Now? She's 41 and, as she put it, "I'll settle for somebody with a job and clean underwear."
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i love the post and your right on the money about how and why some people are just to pickly at times..the problem is in the areas of what is the socalled perfect mate thinking .. like you said it about how they pick apart the person instead of going ok let see where this goes..
i date one lady who hated the hours i work for i never had weekends off
another hated the fact that i was not a person who liked to go and hang out in the bar and drink and do the bar scene thing with her and her friends..
it allways been diff one who i dated now find the job or the hours or things that they do not like about my lifestyle or the way i live my life hard to do deal with ..
when in a bookstore i tried to ask a women out for a cup of coffee at a later time..at the time i had my grandkid with me and they where picking out books to get to take on the flight to korea for was dress in my normal iam not at work clothing for me is a t-shirt jeans and hikeing boots with ballcap on ..the lady turned me down cold for the offer of meeting up at a later date for a coffee date..
about three weeks later she comes into the place where i was working and her and her girlfriends asked to see the mgn about something that happen and i show up and one of the girlfriend who was with her that day .leans over to her and tells her that the guy who you turned down for the coffee date..i give her this look like you never know when you not beening nice to someone will come back to bite in you in the butt at times..
but i did get a date from one of her girlfriends we had a nice time dateing intill i move for my job ..she used to tell the lady you never can tell how a person will act inless you go out them ..it used to make the other lady mad as heck and they where nolonger friends over the way she would treat people in there circle..
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