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What I'm getting at is whether it's easy for you to recognize when your standards are too high or unrealistic. You may think you're a great catch, but the rest of the world might not think so. But because you think you are, you don't think you're being picky whereas everyone else might. That's why it's great to have friends. They can alert to us to things we don't see.
The type of people who are slow to come to the realization on their own that their standards may be too high or too specific are the sort of people who likely would be reticent to other people telling them such is in fact the case. I once read in my intro psych text that average self-esteem is a slight overestimation of one's skills and looks, but apparently that's important to one's functioning. That said, normal people react to their environments and are likely to adjust their expectations in reaction to their life's situations. The sort of people who don't are not the sort of people to listen to Sue or Bob about their level of 'pickiness'.
Yes, I suppose you can be too "picky" but what does that matter? You're not harming anyone except - maybe - yourself. Of course, it's good to realize it if you are being unrealistic - but unrealistic is not the same as highly (and appropriately) selective.
I had a lot of criteria (i.e., must, and must not) when I was dating. Yes, that restricted my candidate pool considerably. That was a good thing, actually, and eventually I found someone who was everything I'd wanted - and more.
This is how I feel as well. My dating criteria should have absolutely no effect on other people. If it does then that person is either offended by it or is a busybody that feels the need to put me in my "place".
This is how I feel as well. My dating criteria should have absolutely no effect on other people. If it does then that person is either offended by it or is a busybody that feels the need to put me in my "place".
What if you had a short, squat overweight friend in a dead end minimum wage job who thought it fit to only seriously consider women who looked like supermodels who constantly complained about not finding women that suited his standards? I know from first-hand experience because I've had friends like this. When do you stop pretending to commiserate with your friend and tell him/her the truth?
You are not being a 'smartass' or trying to put the person is hi/her place. The fact is that a ton of people are highly delusional and then complain to high heaven on account of it,
I know a dude like this...He is my age and we've gone out together as friends (though I think the first two times he thought they were "dates"). He is not attractive at all, though he is moderately smart, he has a poorly paying job that he has because he's also stuck in a delusion about having a future rap career (yes, this is white kid from the burbs). He's very critical of females and thinks a girl has the have "the entire package" to even be considered for a "relationship", though he's never really had one. He was seeing this one girl and even though she was actually far more attractive than she was, he was always talking about how she couldn't be the one because she wasn't "bright enough" and she was "too wild". I'm his friend but I had to shake my head internally with disbelief, because he does this all the time. I even tried to gently broach the subject of his standards being to high/specific, but he's far too delusional to get what I was hinting at. He still thinks he has a chance of hooking up with/being with me, though I think I've put out enough direct and indirect hints to let him now there's no way in hell.
Of course, this delusional, inflated self-esteem also translates to other areas of his life in that he thinks people are always jealous of him and that one day he's going to be a famous rapper.
Yeah, he's only hurting himself but when I have to put up with his delusions and his complaints when his world actually conflicts with reality, of course I'm going to get annoyed/irritated/fed up.
What if you had a short, squat overweight friend in a dead end minimum wage job who thought it fit to only seriously consider women who looked like supermodels who constantly complained about not finding women that suited his standards? I know from first-hand experience because I've had friends like this. When do you stop pretending to commiserate with your friend and tell him/her the truth?
You are not being a 'smartass' or trying to put the person is hi/her place. The fact is that a ton of people are highly delusional and then complain to high heaven on account of it,
If a close friend or family member keeps complaining to me about being single then then I will offer my input. If the person doesn't seem to be bothered by it then I will leave them alone.
What I won't do is tell casual friends or strangers that their standards are too high. All in all it's really none of my business.
If a close friend or family member keeps complaining to me about being single then then I will offer my input. If the person doesn't seem to be bothered by it then I will leave them alone.
What I won't do is tell casual friends or strangers that their standards are too high. All in all it's really none of my business.
I don't think anyone here is suggesting that you tell total strangers or people you aren't close to that their standards are too high. You can think that to yourself and roll your eyes when you see them chasing after someone who's WAY out of their league. But what if you're the one with unrealistic standards? This is why I started this thread. Most of us can see when someone else is aiming to high. But as xxbabeechick pointed out earlier from her intro-psych course, people have a tendency to over-estimate when it comes to themselves, which is why it's not always to easy to recognize or admit that you're being too picky. And it's not just with respect to dating. People do this in their careers as well. They'll go out thinking they deserve 100K and won't consider any jobs that pay less. But the rest of the market basically tells them "you ain't worth that much." At some point, that person needs to ask if it's true.
We've all read TVSG's threads. If he's for real, we've got a real-life example of a super picky person with a complete lack of self-awareness right in our midst.
What I won't do is tell casual friends or strangers that their standards are too high. All in all it's really none of my business.
I agree and so would the vast majority of people, the only exception being a) if someone directly asks me what I think is the issue. I would never be cruel or unkind to anyone, but the problem is that people often been coddled so much they see frankness as inherently harsh/thoughtless.
I don't think anyone here is suggesting that you tell total strangers or people you aren't close to that their standards are too high. You can think that to yourself and roll your eyes when you see them chasing after someone who's WAY out of their league. But what if you're the one with unrealistic standards? This is why I started this thread. Most of us can see when someone else is aiming to high. But as xxbabeechick pointed out earlier from her intro-psych course, people have a tendency to over-estimate when it comes to themselves, which is why it's not always to easy to recognize or admit that you're being too picky. And it's not just with respect to dating. People do this in their careers as well. They'll go out thinking they deserve 100K and won't consider any jobs that pay less. But the rest of the market basically tells them "you ain't worth that much." At some point, that person needs to ask if it's true.
If I feel that I'm not getting what I need because of my "high" standards I will adjust them. I assume that other people are capable of doing the same.
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