I'm new and H cheated (Christian, girl, loyalty, younger)

[kaykay]

Originally Posted by still hangin

Exactly!!!! A big chunk of the marriage is gone! The trust word!

You know I do love him and that's why I stay, yet I hate him and that's why I try to talk myself out of loving him. Does that make sense. All of my posts here are just trying to talk myself into not loving him so leaving would be easy. But dang it, I love him so I don't want to lose him. I'm wishy washy, I know, and very confused on what I want and what feelings are real and what are not real.

I don't think you hate him. I think you're just still working through anger issues. And that's probably not unusual at all. Yeah, obviously, trust does go out the window with an affair and it takes a long time to rebuild I think.

[floridadreamer]

I think what it boils down to, is whether this is the kind of person you want to share your life with??

Love isn't always enough. What do you want out of life?

Do you want some wierdo that had an affair with some depressed woman that swings any which way, probably BTW because he could manipulate her easier than an older, self assured, undepressed woman?

If I were you, I would be wondering what else he is hiding.:eek

Maybe you should play detective and look around. He might have some
other "questionable" things about him that you definitely want to know now rather than later. Might help you decide.

[still hangin]

How do I "look around?" What do I look at? I'm clueless.


Thanks.

[Keeper]

Do you know why he was divorced from his first wife? Most cheat because they can and they don't suffer any consequences. If he cheated on his first wife then you should expect he will cheat on you.
You said 'a big chunk of trust is gone', and that reminds me of something I once heard. Trust is like a big rock, if you break that trust, its like breaking a piece of the rock and you can't just put it back together' I believe that to be true, but if the remaining part is steady then you might have a chance.
If I had been in therapy for over a year I think I would look for a new therapist as you still seem to have a lot of unanswered questions.

There are ways to check up on him. Does he work late, on Sat.? Does he get phone calls and whispers? Does he have a cell phone? You can check the calls he has made from and received on it. Does it take him an hour to go get a loaf of bread at the store up the street? If you really want to know I am sure the good people here can give you some ideas.

[McGowdog]

If it's right for you to reconcile with http://bestsmileys.com/anxious/5.gif (broken link) him, then why do you seem to be missing something? Granted, it takes a while for trust to build back if it ever does. In the mean time you should be enjoying life. He better wine and dine you.

If he honestly screwed up and never wants to go down that road again, then decide. Stay or go. If you're suspecting that he is incapable of commitment, then I really wish himhttp://bestsmileys.com/dead/4.gif (broken link)the best of luck.

My ex was very content carrying out an affair right under my nose and I swear that my ego wouldn't let me see it until his wife called me up one morning and pretty much dropped the bomb on me. Then I got it. I sucked my pride up and begged her to stop. She said, umm no thanks. Hey, at least she didn't drag me along. If I wouldn't have found out, I wouldn't have screwed everything up! Two years later, her life and reputation got destroyed and I was glad I was long gone.

I hope you can work it out for YOUR sake or get away from this guy without a felony conviction.

[floridadreamer]

Originally Posted by still hangin

How do I "look around?" What do I look at? I'm clueless.

In his drawers, his nightstand, his desk, up in the closet where he doesn't think you will look.

[lexi]

Originally Posted by still hangin

Not our daughter, we don't have any kids, his daughter, which by the way is gay. Can anyone say "Jerry Springer?" I've also been told that my husbands ***** had a thing with his daughter. All of that is in the past. Either I live with it, or decide not to. I just don't know what's best for me.

Yes, my husband did go to counseling with me. He would do anything for me.

Well, when I first read your post I was going to say forgive him...no
one is perfect and he seems to really love you and be truly remorseful.
But... having an affair with someone who reminds him of his daughter is
creepy and speaking of creepy most young women who turn gay were molested as children.... so did this guy molest her when she was younger?
I hate to say that but that's what I'm thinking.... I originally was going
to quote Ann Landers... are you better with him or without him but
I'm thinking your gut feeling before you married him was a real warning. speaking of snooping around
maybe you ought to put on one of those detective programs on the computer that tracks what he's
doing. Also cheating for a whole year is pretty bad. I could see maybe a one nighter that turned into
a month maybe but a whole year of a double life would be pretty hard to forgive.

[Roaddog]

Originally Posted by still hangin

How do I "look around?" What do I look at? I'm clueless.


Thanks.

As said before, laundry is a good start check pockets, see if he goes where he says he's going, just be alert.
Now I'll say this, you can check up on him and go through his clothes and check his cell phone bill but you don't want to get obsessed with it, after a short time you find something or nothing then make up your mind to trust him or not and go the direction you want.

[JerZ]

Honestly, if it were me--and remember this is just me! I don't expect everyone to feel this way--the creeped-out or suspicious feeling would be enough. I mean not just a suspicious feeling all by itself, but on top of the fact that he has already cheated. I would know I wasn't being paranoid because he had already done it once before. No way would I bother with pockets or drawers. What's that going to tell you? You're not happy, period. At this point, does it even matter why any more? Two years of counseling and you're still not comfortable--with no kids to consider, IMO, you should get out.

I wasn't feeling this adamant about it at first but when I saw the part about his fling reminding him of his daughter, that was a huge red flag. Something is very, very wrong here. I'm sorry, but that is just not a normal thing to say. Or feel...ugh, I'm getting the heebie-jeebies thinking about that. That is not okay. Please get out now. You've tried for two years. I think you're done. I'm sorry but that's how I feel about it and you're asking for opinions.

[MotleyCrew]

Oy, I am gonna puke! Stay, go, stay, go. For crying out loud. Does anyone even consider the sexually transmitted diseases you can get from a little tiny affair? Dump them they are dangerous!