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I'm always in favor of staying in a marriage. I don't think that your husband should have to eternally suffer for the mistake he made, but it doesn't sound like you're beating him over the head with it everyday. Your feelings about it are valid. It is possible to work through this. Just one piece of advice... as soon as you start thinking of negative thoughts about it, discipline yourself to do away with them. It sounds, from your posts, that the hardest part is getting over the internal damage. For some reason, myself included, this is the hardest part to let go of.
I'm always in favor of staying in a marriage. I don't think that your husband should have to eternally suffer for the mistake he made, but it doesn't sound like you're beating him over the head with it everyday. Your feelings about it are valid. It is possible to work through this. Just one piece of advice... as soon as you start thinking of negative thoughts about it, discipline yourself to do away with them. It sounds, from your posts, that the hardest part is getting over the internal damage. For some reason, myself included, this is the hardest part to let go of.
Hello!!, he cheated on her with a girl that reminded him of his daughter!! There are some deep core issues here, not just deciding to stay in the marriage and work through your trust issues. Ok, yes , why did he get divorced the first time? Did he cheat them too? I could not live walking on eggshells and being suspicious all the time. I can not live going through his pockets and stuff. I would get far, far, away if my husband told me he had an affair with someone who reminded him of his daugher. Right there!! That would be it for me...Good Luck and think it through!!
Location: Ohio, but moving to El Paso, TX August/September
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But dang it, I love him so I don't want to lose him.
I'm sure he thought about how much he loved you every time he stuck his willy in the other woman. Sorry to be so graphic, but geesh, he literally betrayed the very essence of marriage, fidelity.
Goodness sakes. Spouses who cheat don't care one iota about losing the spouse. It's the ultimate narcissism because they never take into account the feelings of the person they are cheating on. If they did, they would realize there were problems and try to work things out before they decided to have sex with someone else.
I have two small children with my husband, but heaven help him if he ever cheated on me. I'd be out the door so fast taking half of everything he wouldn't know what hit him.
I'm sure he thought about how much he loved you every time he stuck his willy in the other woman. Sorry to be so graphic, but geesh, he literally betrayed the very essence of marriage, fidelity.
Goodness sakes. Spouses who cheat don't care one iota about losing the spouse. It's the ultimate narcissism because they never take into account the feelings of the person they are cheating on. If they did, they would realize there were problems and try to work things out before they decided to have sex with someone else.
I have two small children with my husband, but heaven help him if he ever cheated on me. I'd be out the door so fast taking half of everything he wouldn't know what hit him.
I made a point similar to this on another thread. One difference between men cheating and women cheating is that the men don't need a REASON to do it. Women generally do it because there are problems (lack of intimacy, husband impotent, he's away a lot) or whatever. But, yeah the daughter part is just freaky.
If that didn't make you cut and run sweetheart, I don't know what would.
That's tough. At least you tried to recover from this. To be successful, you have to be able to truly forgive your H and trust him again. If you can't do this, move on. It's just not easy and it's not always possible to do. You tried.
Personally, as soon as he cheated, it would be out the door for him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You are kinder and more forgiving than I am.
Everybody is different...I would have a hard time dealing with my husband sleeping with someone else ONCE...now carrying on a relationship for a whole year...NO WAY, no how could I forget or forgive that. I don't know how I would ever be able to look at him again without wanting to slap the hell out of him.
If he cheated on you once, he will cheat again........yes, by all means check his wallet/cell phone......if he says he's going out with the guys, check it out see if their all together. A year is a long time for someone to cheat, I find it hard that something wasn't out of wack and you didn't pick up on it, or did you have your head in the sand? I've seen cases where cheating has actually pulled a marriage together.........and others where they were better off being apart. Myself, I would never stay with a cheater. Only you can help yourself, only you can decide weather this is the man you want to stay with forever. Only you can live with the "what ifs".
Yes, I did have my head in the sand. Looking back there were so many signs but I never thought he would do this. His first wife cheated on him so we had many discussions on fidelity before we got married. When I found out about his A, he told me through his tears "As your best friend, I wouldn't advise you to stay." He was married the first time for 18 years, he swore that he was faithful, but his wife was not.
As I mentioned I've been through one divorce and it isn't easy. I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy. I'm close to 50 years old now and I truely don't want to live the rest of my life living alone and I can't imagine entering into another relationship with anyone. I have nothing left to give. I need help in making a decision, I guess. Should I stay or should I go? I do know that to leave, I loose a lot, to stay, things will be pretty much status quo. With that being said, I know the ultimate decision is mine. Also I wanted to clarify the "she reminded him of his daughter" When he told me that I looked at him shocked. He said "not like that" she was a girl who needed help in making life decisions, so he helped her with those. By the way, the girl was thinking about leaving her husband because he cheated, and she knowing that my husband went through this with his first wife, reached out to him for guidance, they became emotionally involved, the physical. Does that help with helping me?
I really do need some help here. So thank you for all of your input. I need to feal some of your 2X4s and also the other side of the coin - the part of in favor of keeping the marriage together. My christian friends tell me that it's all about forgiveness and that I should try to work out my marriage, but you know what, that's easy for them to say......
Short version. Second M for both me and my H, both of us were married for 18 years previous to ours. We have been M for 5 years. My h cheated on me one year after we were M and stayed in that relationship for one year. The OW was 20 years younger, ugly, depressed and pathetic. We have been reconciling for 2 years and I'm still battling on whether to stay or go. We have no children together, he's very remorseful and will walk in fire for me. He wants very much for us to work out. I do my part as well. We are very kind and loving to each other yet I still feel like I'm over stepping my core values in a marriage by staying. I've been in C for a year and a half and although I don't obsess about his A, I still wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know I love him, but I wonder if that's enough. Any advise out there?
Is he attending couseling?
I know a lot of women stay in a marriage after they've been cheated on, but it contaminates the marriage. Sometimes it is, believe it or not, the cheater's culture (which doesn't excuse the behavior) but some men are raised to believe that it is ok to do so? I am a pretty patient lady, but cannot accept disloyalty...for me, I left.
If you can't leave it go, and it festers and festers, then do you believe this is good for the marriage?
I believe if after a year and a half of couseling, and you still have these questions, then it is definately time to seek out a new couselor who can help you resolve and move forward, with or without your husband.
He did attend counseling. You know what makes me sick about counseling was we both wanted to make our marriage work, and since he ended his A, it was easy for him to want to move forward. So, it was all up to me, I'm the one who had to let it go, move forward, well you know what? It made me feel like a victim all over.
Curious, cremebrulee, did you husband want to to stay and work on the marriage? How did you cope with leaving? How did you find the strength?
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