I'm new and H cheated (family, kids, advice, Latin)
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I'm sorry your h cheated on you. That must have been a terrible blow to you and your self-esteem. The fact of the matter is, that adultery is not the end of a marraige. It is the end of the relationship that was before the A. Not the end of love. Just the end of your images of love. It is now time to find a newer, deeper relationship. You won't forget this, and you will watch for warning signs. IF it were to happen again, then he is untrainable.
but we have all made mistakes. And it sounds like he has learned from his mistake. Unless you have reason to believe that he isn't sincere, and ready to find a deeper, more mature love.. I say you have to find the definition of your new relationship. There is life after A. And there is love after A.
I wish you much success in your life. Now, go live it instead of mourning about what it isn't.
He did attend counseling. You know what makes me sick about counseling was we both wanted to make our marriage work, and since he ended his A, it was easy for him to want to move forward. So, it was all up to me, I'm the one who had to let it go, move forward, well you know what? It made me feel like a victim all over.
Curious, cremebrulee, did you husband want to to stay and work on the marriage? How did you cope with leaving? How did you find the strength?
Everyone at church knew he was cheating, and yet, none of them would tell me. They're excuse was, You don't hurt someone you love with words...and I say, it would have hurt me, but I wouldn't have gone thru nearly what I went through...I'm sorry but I say, phooy on Christains...that to me, says His behavior was excuseable.
I went for 3 years trying to save the marriage...he kept lying about it, and telling me there was something wrong with me....I was soooo in denial...and wanted to believe anything else but the truth. We saw counselors (3) all of which I allowed him to choose.
There are a lot of reasons why people do & accept things, react to things, we are all different.
How did I find the strength to leave? It wasn't easy...but I had had enough...one day, I was walking thru the house with an arm full of laundry and realized..."hey....I could be by myself and be doing the same thing"...there were no fringe benefits in my marriage.
Once seperated it was very difficult...I missed so much of (our) life together, but my sanity and peace of mind were much more important then any material thing. Infidelity tears your heart out...and once trust is broken, what else is left?
When I started forcing myself to do things alone, (one thing you DON'T want to do is jump right into another relationship) is when I started coming out, and more then any other time in my life, my life became worthy....I could watch what I wanted to watch on TV...go to the movies, eat out as much as I wanted, even take vacations....(he kept a pretty tight rein on me) and man oh man, life became so much more valuable. I stated to self - explore and realized over time, why I had accepted so little in my life...and now, I know, I didn't deserve being treated like that, I was so taken for granted....and so, life begins, again and again...but the most important thing is, you have to do, what is best for you....
One thing...write and keep a journal...of your feelings....why you do things...don't tear him down, take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself, why do you think you want to make the marriage work...and remember, you cannot do it alone.
No one else can tell you what to do, and when you are ready, you will do what you need to.
I have no respect for anyone who cheats...to me, there is no worse thing you can do to people...it is a very selfish thoughtless act...against all those who love you...and makes you wonder, just what else has this person done?
Later, much later, I found out, my husbad had cheated on me since day one, and even before. It was his culture...therefore, in his mind, it was ok. It's never ok to hurt another person like that for self gratification...
I couldn't live like that? I just couldn't.
Just some suggestions:
Can you state your most deeply held values?
Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?
Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?
Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?
Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.
How do you see yourself?
How do others see you?
Do you want A RELATIONSHIP so badly, your willing to compromise your own identity (meaning your moral values, and who you are)
Think about this:
Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.
Why do some people chose others for a partner that would cheat, and others choose those who are loyal to marriage?
To you, what is loyalty...what does the sanctity of marriage mean and why...
Are you and your husband compatible mentally, meaning moral values...? These are questions you must explore? And in my mind, your present counselor needs to point these things out, if not, find another one who will not just take your money and keep you coming back.
I always say, find someone like Dr. Phil, who doesn't beat around the bush, but gets to the root of the problem, which is not just your husband, but you as well...because you chose someone who was willing to contaminate the marriage, and there were probably flags that you ignored...why? Why would you be willing to accept so little?
I had to awaken to who I was.....yanno?
hugs
Creme
Last edited by cremebrulee; 07-09-2007 at 07:23 AM..
Here's my warped perspective and I want you to be brutelly honest. I had an affair in my first marriage because I was totally neglected. The classic reasons why women have affairs, my husband was never home, gone all weekend fishing, hunting, whatever. He slept on the couch for 7 years, no sex, no companionship, nothing. I didn't even know how much money he made because he wouldn't tell me. He told me that he wasn't going to be the type of husband that hands over his paycheck. Anyway, it took its toll. I'm not excusing my behaviour because it was dispicable, so I had an affair. The one thing that I did do though, when I crossed that line, I left my husband because I had too much respect for him to put him through my emotional roller coaster and he didn't deserve an unfaithful wife. He never knew of the affair, but I'm sure he suspected. Now that you have all my dirty laundry, the reason I stay with my current husband is because I deserve what I got. You reap what you sow and who the hell am I to judge someone? My husband is very loving to me, he wants so much for our marriage to work and he is truely sorry for his infidelity, so I thought I should give it a try. The problem is not with him, it's with me. I still feel that I'm selling myself short. See it's a terrible battle, on one hand, I feel I deserve it and on the other, I don't.
My self esteem is pretty low. Not in the sense I think I'm ugly. I keep myself relatively attractive in my make-up, attire, etc. But as far as relationships go, I have no confidence in my decisions. I'm a two time looser.
I'm sorry, but the thing I'm just not understanding here is why your current husband doesn't deserve forgiveness and a second chance given his repentance and behavior now. (Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in unlimited "second" chances.) Why does staying with him mean you have low self esteem? I just don't see why you two can't just move forward from here and let the past be the past.
[quote=still hangin;1030778The problem is not with him, it's with me.QUOTE]
No, Still hangin, it's with BOTH OF YOU! HE cheated; YOU are ambivalent. You need to clarify once and for all who you are (within the relationship with him or without) and ultimately, what you want and what you can and can't handle...
Here's my warped perspective and I want you to be brutelly honest. I had an affair in my first marriage because I was totally neglected. The classic reasons why women have affairs, my husband was never home, gone all weekend fishing, hunting, whatever. He slept on the couch for 7 years, no sex, no companionship, nothing. I didn't even know how much money he made because he wouldn't tell me. He told me that he wasn't going to be the type of husband that hands over his paycheck. Anyway, it took its toll. I'm not excusing my behaviour because it was dispicable, so I had an affair. The one thing that I did do though, when I crossed that line, I left my husband because I had too much respect for him to put him through my emotional roller coaster and he didn't deserve an unfaithful wife. He never knew of the affair, but I'm sure he suspected. Now that you have all my dirty laundry, the reason I stay with my current husband is because I deserve what I got. You reap what you sow and who the hell am I to judge someone? My husband is very loving to me, he wants so much for our marriage to work and he is truely sorry for his infidelity, so I thought I should give it a try. The problem is not with him, it's with me. I still feel that I'm selling myself short. See it's a terrible battle, on one hand, I feel I deserve it and on the other, I don't.
My self esteem is pretty low. Not in the sense I think I'm ugly. I keep myself relatively attractive in my make-up, attire, etc. But as far as relationships go, I have no confidence in my decisions. I'm a two time looser.
I'm not going to excuse your behavior, and neither should you...but, it was a long time ago...you were very young, and to me, it seems you've learned a tough lesson.
So we chose what we THINK what we deserve...and unfortunately, I think the guilt you wore for so long, intended you to accept rather then realize, we all make mistakes, some bad, some really bad...but apparently, you've self destroyed long enough.
You will probably be hard on yourself for a long time, as what you did apparently went against your moral fiber/being...and so, it is human nature, when one is truly repentant of their sins against another to be hard on oneself. We tend to self persecute....
But lady, you are worth something...much more then what you think...so for now, what I would do, is forgat about your husband, and what your going to do about the situation, and simply find a very good counselor. And I ment it when I said, if you've gone to one for a month and still have the same questions, then it is time to find another. Someone who will be brutal honest and want to help you more then get rich quick.
Honey, believe me when I say, you deserve so much more....the past is done, over with, we cannot go back, but what we can do, is go forward, hopefully, a little older, and a little wiser...
None of us here know your entire situation....and what is good for me, might not be good for you...but first and foremost, you must develop some good old fashioned self esteem/self respect, and once you own that, you will be able to problem solve in a more effective and healthful way.
KK, my self esteem is low not because I'm with him, but because I KNEW I should have never married him, there were red flags and although I postponed our marriage for 2 1/2 years, I finally did marry him. I don't trust my decisions anymore. As I mentioned earlier, it's not that we not reconciling, we are. The problem is that I can't seem to get this crap out of my head, no matter what I do. I have to absolutely convince myself not to talk about it. It's exhausting.
KK, my self esteem is low not because I'm with him, but because I KNEW I should have never married him, there were red flags and although I postponed our marriage for 2 1/2 years, I finally did marry him. I don't trust my decisions anymore. As I mentioned earlier, it's not that we not reconciling, we are. The problem is that I can't seem to get this crap out of my head, no matter what I do. I have to absolutely convince myself not to talk about it. It's exhausting.
You need to forgive yourself for having that affair in your first marriage. It has nothing to do with this marriage. The fact you made a mistake in your first marriage does not give the man in your second marriage the right to be unfaithful.
Everyone makes mistakes, but the fact you had this happen in your first marriage indicates that maybe it wasn't the right situation for you, the same about the second marriage.
KK, my self esteem is low not because I'm with him, but because I KNEW I should have never married him, there were red flags and although I postponed our marriage for 2 1/2 years, I finally did marry him. I don't trust my decisions anymore. As I mentioned earlier, it's not that we not reconciling, we are. The problem is that I can't seem to get this crap out of my head, no matter what I do. I have to absolutely convince myself not to talk about it. It's exhausting.
My simple advice based on what I'm hearing is this: It seems like you don't wish to trouble him with your concerns any more which is admirable, but you are being unfair to yourself AND to him by having these thoughts and simply doing nothing about them. He has tried, it seems, to reconcile the mistake he's made and is probably under the impression that things are getting to be okay again. Obviously they aren't and he needs to know this so if/when you do lower the boom on him it won't come from out of left field.
If you are having doubts and feeling so crappy every day about this he deserves to know about it, and yes, feel a bit crappy himself. If you are going to stay you have to give him the chance to address your concerns and the feelings you're still having. If you aren't going to do that then I suggest you get going. 50 is not the end, though I'm almost 15 years younger and dont' have your perspective so it's really not fair for me to judge how you're feeling in that respect. My Father just got remarried and he's pushing 60 and they're about as happy as you can get, so don't give up hope in that regard.
On a side note; One year..... I've said before in another thread that this would be a tough one to forgive and judging by your posts it is. Don't disrespect yourself for forgiving and don't be angry with yourself if you find you can't be totally forgiving. It's okay.
My simple advice based on what I'm hearing is this: It seems like you don't wish to trouble him with your concerns any more which is admirable, but you are being unfair to yourself AND to him by having these thoughts and simply doing nothing about them. He has tried, it seems, to reconcile the mistake he's made and is probably under the impression that things are getting to be okay again. Obviously they aren't and he needs to know this so if/when you do lower the boom on him it won't come from out of left field.
If you are having doubts and feeling so crappy every day about this he deserves to know about it, and yes, feel a bit crappy himself. If you are going to stay you have to give him the chance to address your concerns and the feelings you're still having. If you aren't going to do that then I suggest you get going. 50 is not the end, though I'm almost 15 years younger and dont' have your perspective so it's really not fair for me to judge how you're feeling in that respect. My Father just got remarried and he's pushing 60 and they're about as happy as you can get, so don't give up hope in that regard.
On a side note; One year..... I've said before in another thread that this would be a tough one to forgive and judging by your posts it is. Don't disrespect yourself for forgiving and don't be angry with yourself if you find you can't be totally forgiving. It's okay.
I agree with this reply whole heartidly....
good one!!!
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Can't agree more!
