Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Short version. Second M for both me and my H, both of us were married for 18 years previous to ours. We have been M for 5 years. My h cheated on me one year after we were M and stayed in that relationship for one year. The OW was 20 years younger, ugly, depressed and pathetic. We have been reconciling for 2 years and I'm still battling on whether to stay or go. We have no children together, he's very remorseful and will walk in fire for me. He wants very much for us to work out. I do my part as well. We are very kind and loving to each other yet I still feel like I'm over stepping my core values in a marriage by staying. I've been in C for a year and a half and although I don't obsess about his A, I still wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know I love him, but I wonder if that's enough. Any advise out there?
Location: Ohio, but moving to El Paso, TX August/September
434 posts, read 1,653,811 times
Reputation: 310
I'm sorry, but you'd be stupid to stay with a person who showed such little regard for you. Why would you stay with someone who thinks that kind of behavior is ok? Of course he wants to work things out with you..he can cheat on you and you'll take him back so he doesn't lose anything by continuing to cheat on you plus he gets the benefits of being married to you. It's a pretty sweet deal for him.
Instead of assigning the other woman the words of ugly, depressed, and pathetic, you should work up some disdain for the man who was supposed supposed to be faithful to you.
If you think it's ok to be treated like mud, by all means, stay with someone who sticks his willy into anything that walks by. If it's a self esteem issue for you and you don't think you can do better, go to counseling, build yourself up, and realize that a divorce is better than someone who doesn't respect you.
I wanted to clarify something. As soon as I found out 2 years ago, he cut off the A and has wined and dined me every since. Yet, like you said, I feel stupid for staying. And I assure you, I'm not stupid. Shouldn't I follow my heart. Thanks for your input and I wait to hear the replies from people who aren't so close to the situation. Most of my friends and family just tell me to suck it up if I love him. Easy for them to say.
I wanted to clarify something. As soon as I found out 2 years ago, he cut off the A and has wined and dined me every since. Yet, like you said, I feel stupid for staying. And I assure you, I'm not stupid. Shouldn't I follow my heart. Thanks for your input and I wait to hear the replies from people who aren't so close to the situation. Most of my friends and family just tell me to suck it up if I love him. Easy for them to say.
It sounds like u have already made your decision. U r still in the marrige and obviously there is something there of value u want to hang on to. There is no shame or compromise of core values in that. U staying is not an indication u agree with a spouse cheating. U have accepted the fact this thing happened, but just because u have accepted it does not mean u won't struggle with it. Who is to say how much time u need before there is no struggle or at least it becomes a lot easier for u to deal with? Give yourself a break. U made the right choice for u. U stayed. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions and the results are not always easy to live with. Forgiveness is a process not an all or non proposition. Hang in there
I have zero tolerance...there is no reason to work things out once cheating happens to me. HIs loss. There are plenty of men in the sea - plus if you are older (which is my guess) is there a reason any woman really needs a man anyhow?
Thanks. I can't tell if I'm content or if I'm just plain co-dependent. I'm not content with it, but I guess I have no self worth because I stay.
As the others have said, only you can make that choice. I personally believe very strongly in the covenant of marriage. I totally disagree that "staying" equates with no self-worth. I think reconciliation is the harder choice, the one that requires more character in the long run. Pride can be a hard taskmaster if you know what I mean. Now if you were in a situation where the adultery was repetitive and there was no repentant attitude...horse of a different color!
Tough situation though, for sure. Willard Harley is a professional marriage counselor who has written several books on marriage, one of which I think is called Surviving an Affair. I would suggest that book for you if you are the type to read books.
I wanted to clarify something. As soon as I found out 2 years ago, he cut off the A and has wined and dined me every since. Yet, like you said, I feel stupid for staying. And I assure you, I'm not stupid. Shouldn't I follow my heart. Thanks for your input and I wait to hear the replies from people who aren't so close to the situation. Most of my friends and family just tell me to suck it up if I love him. Easy for them to say.
But you haven't clarified WHY he cheated? Just because he thought he could get away with?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
To stay or go
