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I would be interested to hear how others feel about this....
After talking with a woman for a while (yes online dating), she suggested we get together over the 4th. I agreed and we had a few good hours hiking and talking. She brought up dinner and said she was hungy. I agreed and we went to a nearby chain restaurant and had a good dinner. Anyway, when the check arrives she conveniently has to go to the rest room and I, not wanting to look like a cheapskate, pay the whole bill. Now, I always believed that if I asked a woman out then I would pay for dinner, but this was different and I feel somewhat taken back. It was her idea to get together and her idea for dinner. I would have been content to let things go at that. OTher women I have been out with have always out of courtesy offered to at least pay the tip. IT seems to me no matter what I would do, it would have made me look like a tightwad or cheapskate. You know, if I would have said beforehand - "lets split the bill and your share is __". It was not a matter of her financial standing either. Somehow the woman's movement has not caught up in this area.
I would have offered to pay if I were her but not everyone thinks the same. There are still men & women that think the man always pays. Did you get the impression she only met you for a free meal? Are you going to see each other again? I always felt in dating and relationships it's best to communicate no matter how uncomfortable the topic. If you go out again, just ask her how she feels about dating and paying tabs. Ask as if you wanted her opinion or insight from a womans perspective and see what she says. I have (female) friends that expect the guy to always pay and I have friends that always pay their own way, so there's a lot of different thoughts out there and it does make it confusing for a guy.
Does she want to go out again..if so...just conveniently forget your wallet...tell her you got the last one, this one's on her. You'll probably never see her again.
Out of all the dates I've had I've never paid, even when I've offered, they look at me like Im crazy. I guess a lot of men like to spoil their ladies and that is just one way. Out of curiousity, is it really that big of a deal ?
You said that this was the first time that you and the woman met IRL, that she initiated getting together and the invitation to go hiking and that after a few hours hiking, she asked you to go to a restaurant? A chain restaurant- what chain?
Who drove to the hiking spot? Who paid for gas? Who brought or bought the drinks and snacks? Were other expenses involved (ropes or hiking-related things, park admission) and if so, who paid?
I don't know that the women's movement comes into play as much as modern-day etiquette.
My online dating policy is- if I make the first ask, I pay. If he makes the first ask, he pays. If my first ask is at a more pricey place for dinner (vs just drinks), I ask on the front end if we can go dutch. Ditto if he suggests a pricey place. I will suggest that we share the bill. It's always worked nicley.
But if the asker pays for the first meeting and then it gets extended to what could be considered a stand alone event, then I think it a good gesture for the second party to pick up the tab. I know that I don't like cheap and I don't like financially flamboyant. Both show insecurity to me. And my greatest turn-on is self-confidence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ertily
I would be interested to hear how others feel about this....
After talking with a woman for a while (yes online dating), she suggested we get together over the 4th. I agreed and we had a few good hours hiking and talking. She brought up dinner and said she was hungy. I agreed and we went to a nearby chain restaurant and had a good dinner. Anyway, when the check arrives she conveniently has to go to the rest room and I, not wanting to look like a cheapskate, pay the whole bill. Now, I always believed that if I asked a woman out then I would pay for dinner, but this was different and I feel somewhat taken back. It was her idea to get together and her idea for dinner. I would have been content to let things go at that. OTher women I have been out with have always out of courtesy offered to at least pay the tip. IT seems to me no matter what I would do, it would have made me look like a tightwad or cheapskate. You know, if I would have said beforehand - "lets split the bill and your share is __". It was not a matter of her financial standing either. Somehow the woman's movement has not caught up in this area.
Either way, I used to (I'm married now) pay half or at least offer to pay half. That's if the guy grabbed the check first. If he hadn't grabbed it I'd reach for it without a big production. Most of the time, the guy would say he wanted to pay instead and I'd tell him (if I liked him, I mean!**) that the next time would be my treat then, and I'd hold to that. Not to an embarrassing extent where I was yanking the bill back and forth with him but I can't see being fed by another person for every meal every Saturday, LOL. It just seems weird in this day and age when women work. I can see that in the old days, when men worked and many unmarried women (especially very young women) stayed home, that the man would pretty much feel he should pay for the expense of dates--women just didn't HAVE the money. But I mean...now we do.
**What I meant by the above is, if I liked him and therefore there would be a second date.
My online dating policy is- if I make the first ask, I pay. If he makes the first ask, he pays. If my first ask is at a more pricey place for dinner (vs just drinks), I ask on the front end if we can go dutch. Ditto if he suggests a pricey place. I will suggest that we share the bill. It's always worked nicley.
I like this policy, it's very fair.
If I really liked her, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and see what happens next time, but........
It's a little weird. On a first date, I was always hyper-conscious of the bill, I never "expected" anyone to pay for it, though the guy usually did (and the one I married did ). I find it hard to believe she wasn't in some way aware of what she was doing, but there's nothing wrong with giving her another chance if you choose to.
Because it was not planned ahead of time to go to dinner, I would have at least offered to pay half if it was my suggestion. But yes, I wondered if she also drove and paid for gas, snacks, etc. If so, maybe she thought that was your contribution to the day.
I follow hereinfla's policy when I ask someone out. I expect to pay and do something that I can afford, especially now that I'm doing the poor thing again and going to college. Even when I was working full-time, I never made as much as the men. I would plan something fun that they might not do otherwise--a picnic at Shakespeare in the Park or at a lake or a home cooked meal. If they asked me out, I would expect them to pay. I appreciate my friends that treat me to a nice meal whether I can afford to reciprocate or not. Way too much emphasis on money. If I had lots of money, I'd be spreading it around--it is fun to do things for others and to have the same done for you. I'm looking forward to having a full-time job again so I can spend some of it on friends--give a big party for their support in this crazy adventure.
But if I had offered to pay half and the guy offered to pay it all and I left the tip, I would be impressed with his generosity. I look for someone that gives whether they have to or not.
Maybe the equivalent to going to the bathroom when it's time to pay the bill is when the woman has to plan what they're doing all the time and the guy contributes no creative ideas. I bet there is an equivalent - what do others think?
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Questions coming....
). I find it hard to believe she wasn't in some way aware of what she was doing, but there's nothing wrong with giving her another chance if you choose to.
