Where is the love? (communicate, husband, separation, Latin)

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by shuke

You could always sing back, "You're sorry, you're lonesome, and scared. And you say you'd be happy if you could just come back home. Well, here's a quarter, call someone who cares"

On this thread, so many times, I want to give rep, but cant! I keep clicking the button, but alas, cannot...

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to shuke again.

[cricket_factor]

Originally Posted by cinderobyn

I had not caught all of it, bits and pieces of the song, as I sat here... I knew, though, I had heard it before.

Tonight, just a few minutes ago, I gathered my clock, my blanket and pillow, my pajamas.

Why are you still sleeping out here on the couch? Do you hate me that badly?

And then from there we go to ..those jeans look good on you

Lindsay says, so, mommy, you sleep out here, and Daddy gets to sleep in your room all by himself on the bed?

yes sweetie.

He continued with his song. Now, he is in bed, and I am here. He had disagreed to go with me to sign the title to my car over to me, then changed his mind again and will.

To me, this means, I have no idea what will happen.

I've read this thread all the way up to this point. I think the reason for Jim's Jekyl and Hyde-ness is that he sounds like an alcoholic. He's full of ego, controlling, narcissist. I'm not a health-care professional, but he sounds like a person with an alcohol problem in a lot of the alcoholic memoirs I read.

[da jammer]

cinderobyn, it is great to know that you have a venue full of caring and helpful people willing to do what they can to assist right here. Hopefully the issues you are dealing with will come to the type of conclusion that is best for everyone involved. Millions of families have dealt with your situation in the past and millions more will go through the very same extremely trying times that you and yours are struggling with now. I've been there, albeit in a much less public fashion, and boy do I understand it ain't no kind of fun.

[MsV]

Good (early) morning to all: This week I won't be available much for CD, but you can bet I plan to follow every post you all make ~ yesterday was the first day away, and it's taken a while for me to read through your posts ~ sounds like a very intelligent think-tank here, processing all the options Robyn might be considering in the not-to-distant future. I think this forum can be a gift, in that someone could come on here, pour out her heart, be accepted and encouraged...sounds like we're all at a point where we want to to act out in our own individualistic style in response to Jim's abuse. I'm with you all on this!
And it was gratifying to see how Robyn stood up for herself, allowing herself to hear what was being said, clarifying a few things, then moving on ~ I am truly in awe at Robyn's strength while vulnerable, her courage in enduring this horrific limbo period, and her clarity of purpose in spite of her home environment. Reading her post from last evening, with Jim telling everyone to shut up and then telling Robyn to start making dinner, broke my heart as a feeling of 'being dictated to' came over me...Jim is so lucky he's not married to me...I'm as nice as the next one, but mess with me & my kids, and I'll kick your xss from here to eternity (do people still say that?).
Anyway, Robyn has shown me remarkable qualities on this thread, and I find it unbelieveable that someone comes to the realization that change is necessary, then comes this far in such a short amount of time...my guess is that she was "awakened" a long while ago, her sense of rightness was challenged long before a month ago, and all of this prepared her for this change. I see Jim is taking her change of heart seriously, which explains his increased "in your face" resistance to her plans.
Jim's response is not surprising to any of us ~ it's just so important that Robyn only push as much as she feels safe doing. From here on, I'm also feeling that she needs some protection from Jim's wrath. After reading yesterday's posts only, I'm certain that Robyn will have what it takes to speak with her attorney today ~ she knows what she needs to learn, and I'm hoping he will assess the situation and make some safety comments ~ can't you get police involved (maybe him removed) for verbal and emotional intimidation? I know it's hard to prove, but so many people are aware now. Lastly, Robyn, I think you need to sit the kids down and enumerate for them the things they have been experiencing that are not good for them, so they will stop wishing Dad be with you all (at the mall or for slurpees). They can still love him, but a more realistic protrayal of him...not clarifying issues to the kids, keeps them in the mode of thinking that "maybe if we just..." Praying for Robyn and you all too, because we are all going through this experience with her with love and sensitivity...

[Pikantari]

I have awakened several times in this night. Is it the couch, is it the knowing what I am doing? I don't know. Is it mollie kittie snuggling up with me?

Its today, but I will say tomorrow. Tomorrow, I must endure. I will pull the strength from everywhere. I will speak to my attorney. There are so many issues at hand, and I dont want to forget a one.

It is times like this....I wish my parents had not passed. I miss them so. Of course, my Dad would be 85 now, but just a hug from that 85yo would feel so good. I remember talking to him on the phone from the hospital when it was time for me to come home but Alexander had to stay because of his prematurity and he said whats wrong, tell Daddy... I just cried to him, the baby has to stay, but I have to leave. I was twenty then.

Jim grabbed the phone and told me he was on his way. Why not some tender words from him at that time? Or when my Dad died? I have tears now, but not for Jim, for the memory and loss of my parents, the wish that I could just hug them one more time, in all of this.

I will go to work tomorrow, and get my round of hugs and encouragement and pep talks.
I guess by now, some people would have thrown in the towel and just said I can't do this, and gone back to the old way, I know, before, I probably would.

But, I can't go back to the old way. I can't do it. Never again. There is too much time ahead of me, so much time lost. I am ever thankful for my children. I was just thinking yesterday, just idle thoughts, I wonder what would have happened if I had just moved up to Maryland with one of my family members when the kids were little ones.

He was so young then, we both were. Would he have felt free of us, and not cared? You know, thoughts will pop into your head. But that was then, and this is now.

My now is tough. I hold my head, but not in shame, just to get through another day. One day at a time. My shame is gone. I know this, because I am able to tell people. If I were ashamed I could not tell people. I would not have sat infront of a group of my peers and told my whole story, my deacon and his wife, I am anonymous here, but I feel like I am talking to friends, and I feel as though you care. But in real life, I have told many people, and it is getting out there.

He has told his side, that I get migraines and have to lay down, that he is the only parent, that I don't keep the house meticulous. Those are his grounds...he tells me, and he says the kids will even tell you that!

He says T down the street will tell you that. I have been to several of my drs, and it is documented that my migraines are gone, that my RA flares have been gone for a while, and that I have been taken off of one of the meds, and the other med has had its dose reduced.

I have become more healthy. From a medical standpoint. I have been SO evaluated by a mental facility. Fine from that standpoint.

I think of all the times the police could have been called of him, but I was so scared of what he would do. What if I had gone to the magistrate? Would he have turned back to the other personality by the time they came to get him? Then what would he have done to me when he got home? He gets that fire in his eyes too.

Hinder...you could do much better than me... The song played while we were all in the car the other day, I turned it up. The words were for him, as if he were the one singing, not as though I was giving him the words for myself. 'You deserve much better than this' is a line in the song. And I do, the kids do. I wonder, if they know they do. I was brainwashed all of these years, so, must they be.

I don't know, just thoughts popping in and out of my head. Lindsay is done with school as of last Friday, so back to my early days of arriving at 815, and being in the morning meeting with the morning prayer.

My cell rang last night as I was checking out in the store, it was his number. It comes up as ICE HUSBAND for in case of emergency, the I coming before his listing as Jims Cell. I think thats funny, but anyways, I didn't answer it, but it rang again, and I answered it, it was Lindsay, wanting something sweet...no dice. He buys ice cream, cakes, pies, cookies. Way too much crap, I told her I got bananas. Oh well.

I also got boca burgers, veggie burgers, bean burritoes, all that good stuff, for my protein replacement of meat.

Skipping around a bit. At church yesterday, during that altar call, I wanted to go up so badly, but I didn't. If I did, I knew I would come back full of tears, and the kids would have been worried. They worry so much. mommy, are you crying, mommy are you ok? Such love in their little growing up hearts.

Sometimes I wonder about them. I know I raised them right, to be gentle, loving, and caring. But what about him, what about his affect on them? I see it pop out every once in a while, and it is usually when they are interacting with him, seemingly to please him. I am no child psychologist, but it does seem that these behaviors are presented only around him, and never, that I have seen, but around him. I don't know.

I just need to sleep I guess, and that bed is SO much more comfortable than this couch, but he is getting the picture.

[HDL]

Hi Robyn,

Just checking in to let you know I'm thinking of you and telling you to get a little more shut eye tonight :-) Sleep will help you to be at your best!

Hugs and prayers my sister!

~HDL~

[Pikantari]

Up and ...hardly running again, don't wanna be, but the alarm says so. So, I have my coffee, today I put creamer in it, haven't done that in 2 months, letting it cool, burned the top part of the inside of my mouth yesterday and ouch.

I noticed in someone elses hand he has the number to Juvenille and Domestic Courts. Just saw that a minute ago while I was making my coffee. I go there on Wednesday. It took me two weeks and two days to get an appointment, so if he has not even called them yet, and I did not see the paperwork, he has got a bit of a wait, still I worry about that subpeoona getting to him

I will have to just put that in the back of my mind, or even try my best to put it out of my mind.

Just so tired right now. I have been 'tasked' with so many things for work today. Those plus the things that were left for me on the days that I wasn't there, still not able to catch up on, because of doing current days work, and then current days stuff added on top of it. Have to do the patient that is standing infront of yous stuff first.. oooouuuugggghhhh. I wish that when people were working my desk they would take the initiative to at least do the present times things instead of sending the patient away and leaving the charts and notes pile up for me. I have 2 neverending stacks of work.

A friend from church took me aside and asked me what was going on, noticing I was not wearing any wedding rings or bands, I just told her it was not a god situation and that if she could just please keep us in her prayers...

I had thought I saw her looking at my hand.

I am full of nonsense this morning, Sleep. Its what I need. This couch is not hitting on much for me, I can tell you that right now.

Do I walk today? Maybe only twice around today, it makes me feel so much better, normally putting my mind at ease. Gives me energy, too. I do need that. I don't feel angry right now, as I did the past 2 days, maybe because of the tiredness, maybe the walk will bring it on, maybe because of this day, and what it is going to bring.

I am not sad, I don't feel despair....I am without emotion just this minute. I don't know how I feel. I know I need to be ready. Maybe I need to be mad. I don't know. It's still dark outside. Seems as though it should be trying to get light, being August.

What an aimless post.

[Pikantari]

As I approached the park, the sky was still dark, like it still was not ready to wake up, like me, this morning. I felt like I would only get two times around this morning. A little run down.

Started my walk, as I always do, lock up the car, put the keys in my left pocket, cell phone in the right, ear buds in the ears, and my water on the trunk of my car.

Went ahead and took a good sip.

Looked at the peculiar sky, looked around the whole place. I think of this place like...natures Superdome. The track is not an absolute oval, but just takes its time, spreading itself about the nature. The trees grow tall around it on all sides, thick woods and trails. On one end, there is a golf course, it is beautiful. On the other end, the river, camoflouged by a thin line of trees, with only a bit of thickness, here and there.

Again, the sky. Just at the very corner of this dome, right where the edge of the tall trees and the golf course meet, I see some puffy pink looking clouds emerging. Wonderful.

I start my walk. This has happened before, and I have mentioned it before. My eyes are closed, and I am led to where I need to go. There is a dark sky, with only a small bit of light. The breeze blows off the river as my music plays. I continue on, with my eyes closed. I get to the corner of the river.

I open my eyes, not wanting to miss the river. It is visible, only with some mist falling from the sky. On the other corner, at the edge where you would stop seeing the river, there is a covered picnic area, there are several, in the middle of this track.

I notice that there are ligts on inside of it. I look around at all of the others, there are no lights on in any of the others. Coincidence? chance?

I walk around the corner, still being led throught the semi darkess, with the puffy white clouds starting to emerge on the side I have just come from, and the lights on in this picnic area. My eyes are closed, the breeze blows. I feel good. I get right about to where my car is and open my eyes. I have been almost one time around, did I really go around? I was led. My eyes were closed, as if in a dream state, but I went around, because now I have come to the beginning again, and the puffy white clouds are fighting the darkness. I smile, take a big sip of water.

I put it into high gear, eyes wide open now. This is not an angry walk, as the past two days have been, but a walk of determination. My shoulders are straight across, my head is held high. My abdominal muscles are flexed, I feel strong. I see where more and more white clouds are coming out to overpower the darkness.

I can hear myself exhaling. This has just recently started, maybe within the past week or so. I thought about it. I am breathing in the good, and getting rid of the bad. This is what we are taught from the beginning. And this is what I am doing. I get to the river again, and even with the mist, I can see its ripples, it is moving, just as I am, we are as one, we are moving together, non stop.

I come around the curve of darkness, it is still there, and it is where I am most powerfull, with the most determination. No longer do I stand straight, but lean foward, with my head still high, its as though I am moving foward, like there is no tomorrow, like I cannot be stopped, like I will not be stopped.

I look toward the sky, those white clouds have almost covered the whole dome. I think to myself, two times around isn't enough, I look at my cellphone, and I have plenty of time for another trip around, and I take it...

Fierce determination. I want to keep that feeling with me all of the day long. I want to hold it in my hand, in my mind, in my soul, in my very being.

My pace is so fast right now. I can feel the sweat coming across my shoulders and down my back. I have never felt that before, usually only my face or neck, but not today. Not this time.

I get to the river, still with its ripples, and then to the edge, where the darkness was. I look up, and the moon is there, where I could never see it before, it is not a crescent moon, but bigger. Less than half a moon. It smiled at me, rooting me on, the darkness was gone.

Typing this, I can feel it all, my breathing is hurried. It is like I am still there. It is exciting. To be one with the Lords Magesty like that...to be led by Him.

I got to my car, and in reverse order of getting out, I got in. No AC for me today, I put the windows down, that makes me feel free.

I had been the only one out today, as I took the trail leading out of the park, I met my older gentleman walker, and we smiled and waved at eachother. He is there, also for a reason. Everything that we all come into contact with has a purpose, a reason. We may not always know what it is, we may never figure it out, but there is always a reason.


God Bless each and every one of you....you were put here for a reason, just as the gentleman walker. Just as the people at my work. Just as so many people in my life. Everyone plays a part. What our parts are from day to day, who is to say.

[rockky]

Robyn - You write lovely thoughts.

*Please*, however, consider deleating or having your last post deleated.

[MsV]

Rockky, I often agree with your posts...why are you thinking Robyn should delete her last post? I've read it several times, it's quite floridly written, I'll admit, but that's her style and I don't see it as self-incriminating in any way. I'm wondering if, at this point, those of us who are so concerned about her, want to yell "cut to the chase, Robyn" because of our own anxieties about her day's plans?! I could see even that, but suggesting she deleat her post seems unnecessary. Please clarify your thoughts for me, bec (as I said before) I appreciate the way you think, and the last few posts seem well-focused and sincere - not damaging to her at all.