Where is the love? (marriage, women, older, kids)

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by dragonten

It is very true.I have been through a lot in my lifetime.I have not been through a divorce,but have been through things that other people have not.And not that many people can understand.One thing after another,you try and try,and it seems like an evil force just stops you from going forward.I just keep on going.Now my life is better.I am not afraid of confrontations any more.With the strength and courage and the trust in God.thing will turn around.
My dear friend,robyn - you will succeed!!!

Thank you....san gabriel daisy

In having the Lord, the devil is everpresent. This is how it is. Plain and simple. I had the Lord for so long, and then Jim just did not want to go to church anymore, so we were not to go. None of us went, for more than a year.

I was a lost person. But in my walks, I was found. I praise him, I thank Him, every day. Does satan try to get in my way? Every day..every step of the way.... does he get me down? Sometimes. Am I gonna let him persevere? Heck no!

You are exactly right. With the courage and strength in God things will turn around, and they are.

And you know what? Not only in this situation, but in others. The Lord who strengthens me, he strengthens me in every area, not just one.

Robyn

[Pikantari]

Hi! This morning I woke from my dream. The kids and i were school shopping. Always love to do that.

I loved it growing up as well. All the different choices, the new back packs, seeing your friends picking out their stuff too.. off course seeing the other parent mumble and grumble over the LIST.

It was all so real. I guess thinking of getting the kids back on school time sleep hours got it in my head.

Seems like we get the list, and every year we go, follow it to a 'T' then get to the meeting of the teacher and she says, no, this is what i want you to have...

I wonder why they put the list out...but i usually get the things, because by the time school starts, there is nothing left on the shelf.

Why am I telling you all of this? it is also part of my life. It is part of the CARE TAKING of my children. I enjoy it. We enjoy it. He calls us all nerds for it, but whatever. I guess we can be nerds, but to love school...

As little babies, I had always hoped my kids would love school, and go far, want to learn, and they do. If they can open a book and learn about something, boy do they do it.

Half day today. Have a few things I need to do before coming home, then I will pick up the kids. They wanna check out more boks at the library, and I am taking the neighbor girl to field hockey practice...

I never used to be so 'poetic' I never thought I was. I never realized I was. What i put out here is what I feel. When i am in the lords magesty, I am able to put it into contrast...i can put my life before me, I can lay it down, just like I do at the Altar call.

If you all think I am poetic, I do appreciate that. It is a skill I never had. A license..yep, to drive. Free speech, of course, we here, all have it.

The love of my children.....never ending.

[Pikantari]

I looked fear in its face on Sunday. I am not as afraid anymore. The control is not there anymore, or if it is, it is not as strong.

BUT...I will, in honesty tell you this. I spoke to 2 people yesterday on my lunch hour, from those phone numbers, from that site, I was able to find the same people in my city. I talked to the ...I guess the psychologist person first, from the bws section, and she was very helpful, she also took my name and number. I told her my whole acct.

Secondly, I called the legal section of their dept, here in my town. I spoke to Ruth. She could tell. She said, it sounds like he is in your mind. Most women, by now, they would have been gone. I was back and forth in talking to her.

I know that he knows how to get in there. He knows where to go. She felt it, as I explained things to her. Over the phone, she saw it.

now, I do think I have come much further than where I was, but in talking to her, I did some thinking. She says I am thinking too much of him. I let him have too much control.

I guess i do, and I suppose every day, this is what I work on. This is what i break free from. I do believe I have come so very far.

When talking to my sister D in Maryland yesterday, not the one whose house I went to... she was very upset, when I told her what he and his mother did to me, she yelled aloud on the phone...WHAT!!!!

I got upset, and cried, thinking back to it. I thought I was over that, but then I thought, how could I be, yet. It is not yet a month old, but soon.

The lady Ruth told me that my intake appt, everything would be explained to me, and that i could call her back at 450, but now thinking about it, I never did. We got so busy at work, and the money was off, people left early, and a chart was not taken back, a man sat there... geez, a mess. I was there til after 7.

Had a parking ticket...

I think of the hold, the control. It can't be what it was, but still, over the phone, she sensed it. What did she see that i cannot. What do you see?

It is when he holds the kids over my head. She told me he cannot do that. i know, I told her. but it is where my heart is, I hold them in my heart so dear.

I think now, though...as it has been put, the grasping for straws. It has been extreme...

You can take them but you will have to bring them right back, to no judge will let you have them, to you cant take them, to i am the judge, now whittled down to, you take her, i'll take him. I even wonder if he wants to do the split so there will be no child support issues...

I wonder if that was his idea, or someone elses. Of course he was trying to get to me, and i said no...its not gonna be that way, I said they will go with me and a judge will decide, and he was ready for that, even though earlier in the day he said I am not deep like you, I dont know things to say

But he said, well, then, when the judge tells you something you dont want to hear, dont blame me, you brought it all on. That sounded like words from his mom. He was gone a good three hours.

But think about it. Where he started, to you have her, I'll have him. he is losing power and control, manipulation. man if I had the nerve to even try to call that lady 2 months ago, she would have seen a much different me, i think.

I cried on the phone with my sister, we have not talked for a while, I have been leaving messages on the weekends, but they have been gone, camping. Now that the kids are gone. She said just calm down, its ok. We all saw what a sick ba$tard he has been, but you didn't, because you loved him, he is your husband and the father of your children, it just took you much longer. She said what he and his mother did to you will work in your favor. I had always thought that, but in my perspective, i thought, because it showed me as a sound person. She said, it showed them as off balance, to do such a thing, while lying to the magistrate. It would show their 'craziness' To do that to your wife, to the mother of your children. If you thought she was hurt, she should go to the er.... My thoughts, about a week ago, exactly.

We used to go and stay with her several times a summer for a couple of weeks every year, and we would stay with her around Christmas time...a long time ago. She was a big part of our family. I guess when I think back, it was nothig that she or I did that parted us, but it was when her son went into the Army. And now he is in Iraq. I think back to about when we stopped talking, and it is when he started getting shipped off...

I never new what it was, I never used to .....analyze.

But what she said was right. i lovede him, he is my husband, the father of my children, and i did not want to see it. It just took me a lot longer to see it than everyone else, who i suppose saw it right away...

And I walk.

[Pikantari]

I only walked a mile today. Did not feel the need for more.

The geese flew above me...is it time for that? Worry not. I thought of all of the people in my life this morning .

I thought of all of the people who care. The people I never knew i had. The people who came from...nowhere, from everywhere.

I thought of you all. The respect and friendship I have made in you all. I tried to picture you, fit your personalities with what i think you may look like, but just then, thinking of you.

How wonderful you all are.

Then the people at work. Make a list Robyn! What do you need, what are your colors? Just like I am a young woman, moving out of my parents house for the first time, Just like i am starting a brand new life.

But wait...I am starting a brand new life. make that list!

Then of my encounter at Starbucks. What if it never had happened?

Rock paper scissors. Lindsay gets the full bed, Alexander is ok with that, he says it is fair.

So, Starbucks. That day I was beat. I cried, I dragged myself around the track til I got to the river, and I stayed at the river, watching it, for a certain amount of time, til I dragged myself to the car.

Man. I need a Starbucks. Hadn't had one in weeks, but on that day...I needed it. Walking in, and running into someone who I had not seen in a while, someone who sat down and talked with me, and hugged me. Its gonna be ok. I will help you. B.

The Lord has sent so many to me. He has sent others. Others stand in my way, but the ones the Lord has sent, by far, more powerful, in greater numbers.

Two full beds, one twin. One of the kids was gonna have to have a twin. Rock paper scissors, neither wanted the twin.

Gonne call landlord today and see if she will meet me, I will give her the letter, since Jim and I have already spoken, gonna redo it.

My walk brought you all to me this morning, only a mile, but what a wonderful mile it was....

[DareToDream]

Good morning Robyn - Many, many times, those who are in a relationship such as yours has turned into don't see what's going on. They love the person they are with and tend to "excuse" little things that may show up, or rationalize what is going on. I know I did. I always made excuses for my ex - "Oh, he had a bad day, he didn't realize he was saying/doing that." "Oh, he didn't really mean it, he was joking." "He really has a good heart." So many ways to rationalize...or think you are rationalizing.

When someone in your position starts to think/feel/act differently, many times those around us have a very hard time, at first, accepting and understand why they have changed. I think, when in an abusive relationship, whether it be emotional/psychological/physical, at first we can't believe that this is the person we fell in love with...then we go through a phase of wondering what is wrong with us that we made this person behave like that...we don't hold the other person accountable for their actions, we excuse them. On some level we feel "ashamed" that we are living in this situation, we know it's not right, but we aren't sure what to do about it. One day, we wake up and realize we are not helpless, there are things we can do and we do them, get out from under the situation and move on - that is the stage you are in now - the moving forward.

A few times you have mentioned that your family "saw through" him, and could tell what kind of person he is, but they didn't say anything to you. At the time, you weren't ready to acknowledge that he was what they were seeing, which is why it took you longer to see it. As you said, you loved him, he is the father of your children, you didn't want to see it.....Sometimes I think our "psyche protects us" in certain ways - if the pain is going to be too much, if the hurt is going to be too much, it doesn't let us delve deeper if we are not ready.

Now, you are ready for that information and you are seeing things the way others have seen them for awhile. You have processed the information in a new and healthier way. You realize the situation is not good for you or the kids and in reality, it's not good for him either. You and the kids are moving in a much "healthier" direction - what direction he will move in is yet to be seen. He could "wake up" and realize he needs to address some issues within himself, he may not. Right now, it doesn't matter...what matters is that you and the kids will move to a healthier environment and not have to worry/wonder about what mood he'll be in when he steps through the door.

Once you are out, you will still have interactions with him because he is the father of Alexander and Lindsay - you will still have to deal with him on some level, but you will be dealing with him from your new perspective. You will see when a manipulation starts to occur and will be able to stop it.

You have gained so much perspective in this process and it will only grow once you are out and on your own. Your family is starting to see the "new you" in the way you are handling things now - what they are seeing is only the tip of iceberg of what they will see once you are actually "free" - they will be amazed and very happy for you.

Your children will also grow and flourish and they will start bringing friends over, no longer having to worry about what will come through the door after work. They may have some problems adjusting in the beginning, new school, new living situation, etc., that's to be expected. Just keep the lines of communication open between you and them and it will all work out. Keep doing as you are doing - don't say bad things about their father to them, deep down they know the life they are living is not the way it's supposed to be. They may very well "act out" after the move, blaming you or whatever. Always remember, even though what that had was not "right" it was what they knew and in a sense were comfortable with - it will take them time to adjust to all the newness.

Again, I sense I have rambled all over the place and I hope this makes some kind of sense - bottom line - you are doing what is right for you and the children - be proud of yourself and keep on going....when you move into your new place, have a pizza party with the kids to celebrate the new beginnings and new chapter in your lives...heck ask them if they have a friend they would like to have over for pizza! <g>

[Pikantari]

Monster Energy - Unleash the Beast

this is what unleashes the monster. LOL...

Yesterday evening I called the house, normally the kids answer, but he did, he sounded tired or mad, i dont know. he has been on his 'good' days past few days....

Soon to come, rage. He had lindsay call me on the cell last night to pick up some milk. He is not talking to me. On Sunday, he asked if we were not talking anymore, I said I don't see why we cant talk. While being civil. But he is mad. I know. he is hurt, I have been there. he thinks it is unfair, I know. I did too. Where he is now, I have been. I talked to him about that on Sunday.

There was true pain in his face. I have known him, lived with him, loved him long enough to see it and recognize it. He cried . I hugged him, and he sobbed, shaking. I had care and compassion for him, because I was there.

I know that he is losing the one he loves. i know that, because months ago, before all of this, so was I. I went through all of these feelings. This is why everytime I talked to him about any of this, I cried and felt bad about his hurt and pain, but I dont anymore, because now, he purposely tries to cause me maliscious hurt and pain.

Did he need a hug....yes he did. I am not a bad person. I am a kind, caring, compassionate person. Did I do the right thing? The wrong thing?

The right thing, i think. He was hurting, and things aren't fair right now. i know that, like I said, I have been there. He can be the biggest SOB in the world, but all of us have feelings, all of us hurt. I know that.

I would be going against my Lord to be hateful and unconcerned.

Now...the goodbye booty...never.

[Pikantari]

Everything you have said is right on the money, so right on it.

I just read your post and I was sitting here thinking...yep..yep...yep.

yes, it took a long time, but what if it had taken even longer. i cannot imagine, and i have expressed this to him. i said, should i wait ten more years, twenty? To feel like this?

But he is not there yet, so that doesn't matter.

The kids... I know it is going to be an adjustment for them, a situational change. I am going to do my best to help them through and overcome, just as I am doing now.

My psyche. It did some serious protecting. LOL... I can sit here and laugh now. I think about it, and I feel I have done good. I have yet to see my psychologist, appt on 0904.

He holds that over me, because he is seing someone, I dont know if she knows what to make of him. It didn't seem like it when we went together, again, i can't worry about that, but I do want him to have help, and to continue. Even if he only goes ev 3 weeks. That is good.

Good enough. Just that when I talked to each of the different family members, and they had seen it all along, my heart hurt so badly. My mnd could hardly comprehend. I would cry, I would think ..My God, how could this be happening for so long, I didn't know.

This is a strange phenomenon, and I think for people who have not experienced it, in some form or fashion, they could not imagine. Now, I dont think you have to be the victim, to understand, but like my brothers and sisters, who have witnessed it, they can understand...

My sister hit it right on the head last night. i could not believe it.

Rock paper scissors.....

[pirate girl]

I was in a very difficult marriage for seven years. There was alcohol abuse, emotional, physical and mental abuse as well.

When I finally got the nerve to leave I went through the same things- the tears, the hopelessness........ and I begged for YEARS for him to see what he was doing to me. He never did and instead perceived my feelings as weakness and exploited them. When I finally told him it was over I felt so strong- but when he crumbled and fell apart I almost did the same.

After some thought I realized that I spent more than five years begging him to listen. I cried, I made myself ill, I begged, I pleaded and he never listened or seemed to care. That realization gave me the strength to carry on with putting that marriage behind me in spite of his feelings.

As soon as I left, the fears of leaving were quashed. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. And in a very short time I felt the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulders. I was in charge of my own destiny. I didn't have to be afraid of how his moods would change, whether he would be drunk every evening, and whether he would be a funny or violent drunk. I wasn't afraid for my safety or for my future.

It is now almost 6 years later. I have never regretted anything other than letting him control my happiness for so long. My life is better, I am stronger, and I am very independent. I feel as though God gave me that experience so I would be able to help others who are in the same place- and I do. I work with a battered womens group and I don't hesitate to share my feelings and experiences.

Last night I spoke with the ex- for the first time in a long time. He seems to be fighting the same demons he always has- and now that I'm removed I could see what I found in him to love- but as an older and wiser woman, I can also see things that would now be red flags.

I will always care about him- but I know I can't live with him and certainly can't have him in my life on a regular basis.

[rockky]

winds, The machine won't let me rep you again....so I'll just ditto your post.

pirategirl, Thank you. One of the things that jumped out from your post is the attempt by many to silence the one feeling abused. That's what feeds the monster and allows the negative behaviors to continue. The situation *must* be exposed and talked about. The two people involved will never agree that abuse exists. The abuser usually blames the reaction of the other as being the problem. Thus, the one who begins to speak out feels as if there is truly something wrong with them. Self blame continues to hold them in the relationship. The cycle continues. Until the person being controlled is willing to forgive themselves for choices in the past, accept the situation for what it is, learn from their own mistakes, and allow themselves to be human the situation will get worse. Finally it all reaches a point where the pain is greater than the fear. Then escape becomes an option.

[rockky]

Robyn, Remember up there when I talked about my friends loving me enough to give me a kick in the butt when I needed it? Well, get ready....here comes a kick.

I would strongly suggest that you do not offer any kind of counsel or support to your to be ex. It does not mean that you are unkind or calloused to J. All these years you have been the care giver. It probably made you feel as if you had value in the marriage. It was even a sort of control for you. It isn't real. It was probably used against you.

Trying to comfort J will only send mixed messages. You can care on a disengaged level. You can be fair. Beyond that J needs to find his own support system. It will be the only way he will find his own means of coping.

Try to see it another way. Say that J was telling you that he didn't love you and wanted to end the marriage. He recoiled at your attempts to embrace him physically. Then at some point, he put himself in control when he wanted to connect and would reach out to you. The message you would be receiving would be mixed. You would think that there was still enough love and compassion to continue the marriage when, in fact, the marriage was ending. That is more painful...not comforting.

Please don't put yourself in a more convoluted and perhaps dangerous position. Be fair. Be resolute. Hug yourself. Hug your kids. Don't embrace J in any way. It is the far kinder thing to do.

I'm very glad you spoke to Ruth and others. I find a selfish comfort in knowing that you have a support system that you can reach directly and quickly.