Where is the love? (yelling, control, never, quickly)

[rockky]

Robyn - This will not be an easy transition. You may need to leave with only personal items and your kids. So be it. You *will* survive and thrive. I suspect your health will improve greatly after to take these steps toward autonomy.

Remember this if nothing else. You *can not* force or make your husband do *anything*. The only control you have is over yourself. Again keep your focus on you.

Allow your husband to find his own way to cope. Otherwise you are sending mixed signals, and he will never leave you any peace.

Take the giant steps you must take, and take all the baby steps you can. Treat yourself well...bubble baths, soft music, a small candle....a single flower you find by the road.....simple things that make life a joy. Feel yourself grow with each success. One small success breeds more and larger triumphs. You *can* do this!

[leavingcali]

Since credit cards are out of the question for you, look into making a small personal loan as another poster suggested. Also, you mentioned going to the doctors you work for for money--I would suggest that you only do this as a last resort and make clear that it is an advance on your pay checks. I am not sure what your family is like as far as finances are concerned, but if you feel comfortable asking them for a loan than do it.

You asked how you prove verbal abuse...not sure about this one either, but I think documenting it and possbily secretly recording him (whether or not that is permissible in court, I don't know) might be some ideas.

Just remember he cannot force you to stay with him. He is desperately trying to make you feel that way, but that just isn't the case. You can leave at any time. Gaining custody of the kids is another matter though, so do as everyone is suggesting--do your research, get a kickass lawyer, and get those kids.

[VillageLife]

This whole thread is a documet,it is a proof,use this and other ones like the exercise thread. my documents in sales are everything i talked about and written.

[theqbaby]

Originally Posted by rockky

USPS - Post Officeâ„¢ Box Fees and Sizes

You may find what you need to know about post office boxes here. We just got one. I think it was $36.00 per year.

That sounds correct. I remember more clearly now. My father had one, and I paid the bill once for him. It wasn't a monthly more like a yearly. Thank You

[4StanleyCups]

I've had a PO box for over five years. It's where I receive ALL my mail and comes in especially handy for things like eBay and other online purchases where you don't particularly want every Tom Dick and Harry to know your street address.

Be aware that those rates on the USPS site are for only HALF a year. You can rent a box for 6 months at a time (payable in advance) or for a whole year (again payable in advance). Since I keep mine permanently, I always renew for the entire year. Just looked up my checkbook and the last time I renewed it (March 2007) it was $74.00 for the year. However, that was before the recent rate increases; I see it has now gone up to $84/yr for the smallest box (which is all you need; if something large comes to it, they will just put a yellow notice card in your box telling you to go to the counter and pick up whatever it is from the clerk there.)

IMO PO boxes are well worth the money even for "general" security, and a necessity for a situation like Robyn's.

[Pikantari]

We have been back from the mall for 2 hours, and I took a nap. Jim is asleep on the couch. Lindsay is asleep. Alexander is playing gameboy. I feel like my sleep was interrupted.

I didn't get enough sleep last night, and I am feeling it now. I talked to my sister today, while I was at the mall, and she said her ex husband did the same thing, wouldn't leave her, but when it was all said and done, he did not want the kids, also never paid child support.

She said, yes, they all saw the things he did, but there is no way they could pinpoint a date, or time, or exact words.

I used to keep this journal, when it all started, called hurtful words. I wish I still had it. Of course I don't.

My lawyer is a very compassionate man. He shook his head as I initally told him my story. He was ready to proceed. You see, I wasn't so sure.

I thought we could work it out, not stay together work it out, but work it aout between eachother and it wouldn't have to get like htis, and he agreed. We even were going to use this lawyer just for the separation agreement and later the divorce and he was going to pay half. But I called the man the next day after we met and said lets just hold off on those papers for now.

For now has come and gone. For now is over. I need to find out what will happen with this custody thing, I don't even know what you would call it, but I am so glad I kept the appointment. I recall the lady at the courthouse telling me that he would be issued a subpeona. I know that is gonna make him go off. But,,I can't worry about that right now.

If my personality were as his is, there would have been a whole lot of going off before now.There were three places to check. Custody, joint custody, and one other, oh, no visitation custody. I checked custody.

I know, in the back of my mind, he will use my migraines against me. He already does, every chance he can get. I just hope this deosn't get dirty.

I want my kids. I won't do separation until I know I have them. Because I will not leave without them. The lawyer told me that it is lawful for me to leave with them, if he is threatening us, or putting us in harms way.

He asked if I feared for our safety this weekend, I don't. I will call the police if something happens. But I did tell the atty, when a man is like that, what is his next step? When he is Jekyll/Hyde, how do you know what wil happen?

You don't. That is the scary part.

He lies there on the couch, coughing. His cell phone just within reach, on the coffee table. If his mother calls, he has to be able to be in touch with her.

Oh, another thing that makes him a better parent is that he takes Alexander to get haircuts. Isn't that what a father is supposed to do with a son? For the longest time, I cut everyones hair. Now I don't. He broke the clippers, again, and trashed them. Did not replace them, so...now I don't cut hair.

Lindsay wants to grow her hair to foreversville... so I only trim her bangs. I normally cut his hair, but not anymore...the clippers, and I don't like to do it!

I know how to cut hair, went to school for it, but it is not my calling. When I first started out, I actually would break out in hives!

What is my calling? I love working with people, helping them. At the drs office.

I sat in the floor of a book store today peeking through the pages of a book someone suggested, and I cuold see my life, put on pages... Would I only write one book? I dont know. As life goes on, and my life was more solid, more concrete, would the book follow up...this is how it feels now? Type of thing...dont know.

But looking through those pages, I could see my life in it. Not only my life of Robyn and Jim. Of loss, because I have lost my parents, and I have lost myself.

Now that I am finding myself, it feels strange, and I feel strange, and Jim feels strange. Life has become strange for all of us. Would i turn back the pages and not find Robyn, no. Throgh all of the 'realization' turmoil, I grow. I get stronger. Oh yes, some days I feel so down, so low.

I think now, that the fog was telling me something bad was coming. It started out one day, but lasted three, getting progressively worse, finally clearing, and the day after the clearing...fierce anger.

Does God allow us to be angry? I believe he does. It is one of the very emotions we are born with. With out that fire this morning, with out that anger and fierceness and determenation what would I be doing?

Of course I look here for advice, but without that anger, I would sit here now...what am I going to do, oh Lord, what will I do?

But he has layed my path. He knew this was going to happen. I didn't expect it. I am too nice. The man the other day, at that rental house, you know what he told me?

He said you have charm, you have charisma...you are a beautiful person. Now toughen you a$$ up and deal with this thing head on like the Lord wants you to. It was that night that jim told me all of that crap, and this morning that I allowed MY anger out.

Was he sent to me? I have no idea, but i do know this. I went there only to get the number off of the sign, and he happened to be there, checking on the property, on his way to a business meeting in Richmond.

Chance? I can't afford the rental, it is 4x what I pay now. Do I need to toughen up and stop worrying about his feelings? Yep I do!

[Pikantari]

He just got up, could not get off the couch, called for my son, he did not hear him...Pretty, will you help me..

Good Lord. I said why can't you get up by yourself...my back, i should have never laid on the couch, I should have laid in there with you but i figured you wanted to be alone, I said you were right , i did.

I thought a minute...hmm. Why should I help him off the couch.

Well, I did. Yes, i need to work on myself...but I can admit it. I yanked him up.......oooooowwwwww! But he was up, right?

i would normally have not done that, or if I did do it, would have felt bad over it, buit i don't...so we are going places. Who wants to hear him sitting there whining anyway!

I am not his pretty anymore. I told him that time and time again. I am not his baby or honey either. I am Robyn.

This morning as I was getting ready to take the kids to the mall, he looked at me. That shirt never fit you before. In my mind I thought ..Your dam straight! He said you are looking really good. Isn't that nice I thought.

Come on kids, lets ride!

[Pikantari]

Representation in Life.

I am the teacher, and as teachers, we continuously are learning.

Jim..is hot for teacher. Earlier, when I stood up from my chair, from my last post I turned from the chair and stretched. He said do that again.

I said what are you talking about?!? He said you look GOOD. Turn around again and show me. Hm..Shea, thats happening. I said thank you, its my aim, my goal.

He says wanna go get some slurpees with the kids?

Nope, gonna take a shower. We will wait for you. Ok, so I took my shower and got dressed. Put on the outfit, nice shorts and a shirt that I wore to Matchbox 20 a few summers ago. Shorts have not fit, well, maybe very uncomfortably..so we will just say, they have not fit. They are a bit loose today.

I walked past him and he says God you smell good.

Ok, at this point I am thinking, this man must be incredibly horny, or he has lost his mind, maybe both. He kept on and on.

We got in the car. Are those new earrings? They are really pretty. match your shirt perfectly. No, I made them months ago. (I make jewelry)

When I was in our room getting dressed he was talking to Alexander about how good i look... wth!

So, we drove. The nearest 7-11 in either direction is about 20 miles or so. he says...we should get a motorcycle. Wouldn't it be so fun in the fall, just driving along the country roads, looking at the changing colors?

No. I say. It would not. I don't need to risk my life to look at trees.

Crazy. Like none of this is happening, like he didn't say all of those things to me yesterday.

Maybe he, in saying those things to me yesterday, thinks I will back down from how I feel. What in the world!

[tasmtairy]

The very next time he flips out, call the police and then get a restraining order, that will get him out of the house and give you time to file the separation agreement. You will get the house, you have the kids. A mediator will see that you are the parent that the children need to be with, he has no home to raise them in. I would definitely get a PO box and don't talk to him about ANYTHING!! He will use everything against you, like, well she went here with me, or she talks to me on the phone everyday, or she helped me with my back the other day. Doing these things is "acting" like a family. Your kids already know what is going on.

Act indifferent towards every comment, compliment or suggestion. Anything you say now will be brought up and sound like you care and really don't want to separate.

He has to get out of the house. He will not take kindly to your indifference and may blow up verbally,... call the police, it will be on record of a domestic dispute, even if he is not arrested, you can then get a restraining order.

Best of luck....
Terry

[leavingcali]

Robyn, I can't help but think that you absolutely must put a stop to this kind of talk. You won't buy a motorcyle together because there is no more "together" anymore. You won't stretch again for him because there is no more "we" anymore. When he says these things you need to immediately stop him. Tell him as far as you are concerned, you are divorced. Tell him to never comment on your looks, or anything else that says "couple." Tell him over and over that this marriage is over and he only needs to speak to you in regards to the divorce or the children---period.

You say that you hope things don't get dirty---they already are. It's time to play hardball. You need to move out of the bedroom you share and into your daughter's room. You need to make it EXPLICIT on a regular basis that it is over. You probably need to start thinking about telling the kids too. Not doing these things, I think, is sending him mixed messages. However, everything I just wrote goes out the window if you think it will put you or the kids in any physical danger. He is delusional and you cannot feed that delusion.