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OP, I have a feeling no matter WHAT advice you get here you are going to walk through the fire with this guy.
This poor money management of his ( and I mean POOR ) is going to come back to bite you . You want to marry this guy, you are going to do it.
I say again DO NOT MARRY this man.
Now if he could get intense money management classes and consistantly ON HIS OWN handle money for one YEAR and shows you he does UNDERSTAND then, okay.
Otherwise : RUN !
This is ridiculous. Just because someone is completely clueless about finances does not mean that the marriage will be in shambles from the time it begins. Some people are financially ignorant and should have someone with a more discerning eye take control of his/her finances. To throw away a successful marriage because one spouse didn't want to step up and take full control of the family finances is asinine. As long as the spouse in debt owns up to his/her mistakes, works hard to put money into a joint account to pay down debt, and allows his/her spouse to determine how bills are paid and how much spending money he/she will have, then there isn't a problem. There IS a problem if the spouse wants to continue maintaining his/her finances and the debt headache worsens. Just sit down and find a long-term solution.
This is ridiculous. Just because someone is completely clueless about finances does not mean that the marriage will be in shambles from the time it begins. Some people are financially ignorant and should have someone with a more discerning eye take control of his/her finances. To throw away a successful marriage because one spouse didn't want to step up and take full control of the family finances is asinine. As long as the spouse in debt owns up to his/her mistakes, works hard to put money into a joint account to pay down debt, and allows his/her spouse to determine how bills are paid and how much spending money he/she will have, then there isn't a problem. There IS a problem if the spouse wants to continue maintaining his/her finances and the debt headache worsens. Just sit down and find a long-term solution.
I STAND by what I say : DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN until he receives financial counseling.
The only ridiculous thing here is ignoring his problem, which could have deeper ramifications of other problems he might have that have NOT been to the surface and known to exist.
show him the curb. Hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan, get his key Lee and set yourself free. HIS financial burden is HIS. You only make it EZ for him by bailing him out.
Everyone's got some bad qualities. I wouldn't throw away a relationship over a couple hundred dollars, but I also wouldn't let the issue slide. She doesn't have to enable. If he denies the problem and only want to use her for a couple hundred here and there, then I'd dump him. But if she makes it clear that she won't tolerate it, then he will stay and take the consequences or he will leave.
Just because someone is completely clueless about finances does not mean that the marriage will be in shambles from the time it begins. Some people are financially ignorant and should have someone with a more discerning eye take control of his/her finances. To throw away a successful marriage because one spouse didn't want to step up and take full control of the family finances is asinine. As long as the spouse in debt owns up to his/her mistakes, works hard to put money into a joint account to pay down debt, and allows his/her spouse to determine how bills are paid and how much spending money he/she will have, then there isn't a problem. There IS a problem if the spouse wants to continue maintaining his/her finances and the debt headache worsens. Just sit down and find a long-term solution.
You are so right Kristin!
My husband was financially ignorant and it stemmed from a whole gamut of things but most of all from not having good financial role models.
We have been married 4 years now and he has been learning so much throughout this process. We paid down all the debt he had outstanding (a few thousand) and bought a home.
He stepped up and wanted to learn which is the biggest thing of all (someone who is willing to learn) and he has not gotten us in any financial trouble together. If I had married someone who perhaps stood up and wanted to learn but then reverted back to his old ways, then I would definitely be concerned and look at divorce asap. It looks like he's in remission from his financial ignorance though.
You may have an enabler/rescuer personality and often the rescuee will go on making problems.
Is this really the way you want to live? Having a man you must control by having him put his paycheck into your account and then you decide what he can have to spend?
I'm doing the exact thing right now (depositing the check, paying the bills, managing the budget) and my husband has proven he has not caused any problems in the 4 years we've been married. The difference between creating a enabler/rescuer relationship and avoiding it is to for each party to be aware of the bills, the money that is saved and for each party to have a bit of spending money and not have secrets from one another and being open to learning. Another thing I attribute to him being able to move on from his past mistakes is that we don't keep secrets from one another and we consult one another when signing anything that is financial related.
Slowly but surely, my hubby has gained my trust that he's able to handle money. He now has now own credit card, has a account for a Sleep Number bed we've purchased, he's taken a money management class and we go over the budget together and sometimes he even catches a mistake that I may miss!
What he can spend his fun money on whatever he wants (we call it fun money) is based on a percentage of our budget. I have a fun money budget too (it's both an equal amount) and we have a percentage for all the other bills too.
So yes, he lived very financially restricted in the beginning and he welcomed it because he felt totally lost on how to proceed. His past response was to just bury his head in the sand which we all know isn't a great way to do so. Little by little, I could see his progress and I am totally proud of the turnaround he has made today.
Some folks are never taught money management skills when living with their families; my hubby lived in a home that was paycheck to paycheck. When we got married, I started to teach him about these things and how to develop calendars for when bills are due, saving money each month for an emergency fund, having fun money, etc. He never knew how to do balance a checkbook because no one ever taught him and he always found it very overwhelming to start to teach himself. He also didn't have any mentors he could turn to guide him either.
There are different type of intelligence: some folks are very intelligent when it comes to analytical skills, other have more a gift to counsel/help others, etc but when you marry someone everyone brings their strengths to the table and to work together as a team.
And people grow into adults and should take responsibility for their actions. If you want to spend the rest of your life making excuses for him, go for it. That is not a mature relationship to me. A spouse is not a parent, and an adult should not behave like a child. It sounds as if you've made up your mind, so this entire thread is a waste of time for your situation. My two cents.
And people grow into adults and should take responsibility for their actions. If you want to spend the rest of your life making excuses for him, go for it. That is not a mature relationship to me. A spouse is not a parent, and an adult should not behave like a child. It sounds as if you've made up your mind, so this entire thread is a waste of time for your situation. My two cents.
As if I've mentioned in other posts after the one you've quoted, he has taken responsibility and stepped up to the plate. He has learned a great deal about money management in the 4 years we've been married. It would definitely be another story if he didn't want to learn or wish to continue his old ways or simply ignore the issue but he's been quite the learner and has kept learning as we go on.
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