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IMHO, once infidelity occurs, the bridge to a long fulfilling marriage has been burned. One can forgive, one can try to move past it, but I don't believe it ever really heals, nor do I believe that all shreds of doubt will ever be gone and trust will be 100% restored. There will always be questions and suspicion in the back of your mind. I am not saying you shouldn't try. But Humpty Dumpty will never be truly whole again. Only you can decide if you can live with that.
It took me six years after my ex-husband's affair to realise that I just couldn't live with the charred bridge. I loved him, we had two children, we had friends and family that despite the infidelity saw us as a really good couple. But despite the smile on my face and my best efforts, the nagging doubts ruined what we had. And I couldn't fix it.
I have remarried and I love my husband to death. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner. Which is precisely why if he ever betrayed that and cheated on me, I wouldn't waste six years trying to restore what he so callously broke. I would pack my toys and leave immediately.
The money and extra phone? Did he go so far as to get another phone? Really?
This is something you need some serious answers to why he did this and you need to take a deeper look before you decide to forgive and forget because I suspect there is more going on there than a one time decision to have paid sex. Counseling with him and honesty or forget it.
I agree with this. Typically in infidelity situations, what the spouse discovers is only the tip of the iceburg. If the spouse starts really investigating, what often follows is more, and more and more painful lies and revelations.
The only way to fix a marriage like this is 100% complete honesty and transparency, and a complete accounting of what happened. Without that information the betrayed spouse cannot make an informed decision about whether the marriage is worth fighting for.
K, sorry to have started a big debate here. He gave me the finances, I actually hate dealing with all the bills. Sorry to have caused a ruckus here. Thank you to those who wrote me personally with advice and those of you that wrote here, I appreciate it. If you'd like, I'll still be checking my inbox, but probably not here...too much of MattB4 and all his negativity.
Seems everyone kinda overlooked your response. Don't apologize for causing debate, CD is a big forum and posts such as this generate a lot of opinions! Thanks for the clarification, I guess it was good on his part to give you the finances.
If I were a betting man, however, I would still bet he did something. It may not be a fair thing for me or any of us to call, but you really aren't going to purchase a phone just to call one escort. This behavior shows that he'd done this before that point and was just trying to cover himself for future encounters. If he was doing escorts all along, who knows how long it was going on and how many he'd slept with? At the same time, if you think you can trust him, take him at his word. We can't tell you what actually happened. However, hopefully you will heed some of the advice given here.
Sorry, but what recourse does the wife really have? Let him continue to control the finances after he's proven he can't be responsible with it? This is not a case of, "I've paid all the bills so now I want to treat myself to a pair of shoes." He's been using money that could go towards useful things to instead fulfill his habit. I don't think this is her way of punishing him; I think it's the logical conclusion anyone would make.
If that's not logical, tell me how allowing this man to continue to have his say over the money knowing his capabilities is logical? He needs to prove that he can be responsible now. Maybe there's something I'm missing. Yeah, he still might find a way back to the escorts. A crack addict might find his way back to crack but would you continue to enable it by keeping him in such a favorable financial position?
I'll tell you why I agree with Matt about the finances. My father and mother were like this except my father didn't use escort services, it was just other women. Anyway, my mother would after one of his affairs, handle the money since she wanted to make sure my father wouldn't spend any money on this women, my father would allow this so he could passifier (?)my mother and take the heat off of him for awhile. He'd allow it and then maybe 6 months later, he'd get the finances back and do it all over again. They did it over and over again and played the game with each other for years.
To me, with what I went through with my parents, it seems these two might be caught up in this game. I hope counselling does help them but really OP has convinced herself that he really didn't cheat because he was caught before he did anything. I can bet you he's been doing it for years now and just got caught. Like I said before, he probably is telling his wife and cousellor the truth that he didn't do anything with this escort. But he's not telling them that there's been many more. A guy doesn't get a prepaid phone, etc the first time out with an escort. He learns the ropes by getting into that seedy part of life with escorts.
That's all I can say for the OP is LEAVE but I bet she won't. Why some people come on here and ask for help but already know what they're going to do is beyond me??
K, sorry to have started a big debate here. He gave me the finances, I actually hate dealing with all the bills. Sorry to have caused a ruckus here. Thank you to those who wrote me personally with advice and those of you that wrote here, I appreciate it. If you'd like, I'll still be checking my inbox, but probably not here...too much of MattB4 and all his negativity.
Matt's not trying to be negative as well as myself. Maybe you don't want to hear the truth, that's on you. But I can tell you, your husband has been cheating on you and once everything dies down, will do it again.
You just have to ask yourself, can you live like that? If you can, then look the other way and get tested so you can have your "I have it all" life. Just remember, your children, no matter how young, knows what's going on. I did at a very young age. Then as I got older (around 10 y.o.) my parents started confining in me with all their problems.
You have a hard road ahead of you, for sure, and I feel for you. I've seen it first hand as a child and then as an adult. It's not fun but after all the dust settles, believe me, it gets better. Years later, you'll be glad that it did happen and you were able to move on. It really does make you a better person and someone that appreciates life better.
I'll tell you why I agree with Matt about the finances. My father and mother were like this except my father didn't use escort services, it was just other women. Anyway, my mother would after one of his affairs, handle the money since she wanted to make sure my father wouldn't spend any money on this women, my father would allow this so he could passifier (?)my mother and take the heat off of him for awhile. He'd allow it and then maybe 6 months later, he'd get the finances back and do it all over again. They did it over and over again and played the game with each other for years.
To me, with what I went through with my parents, it seems these two might be caught up in this game. I hope counselling does help them but really OP has convinced herself that he really didn't cheat because he was caught before he did anything. I can bet you he's been doing it for years now and just got caught. Like I said before, he probably is telling his wife and cousellor the truth that he didn't do anything with this escort. But he's not telling them that there's been many more. A guy doesn't get a prepaid phone, etc the first time out with an escort. He learns the ropes by getting into that seedy part of life with escorts.
That's all I can say for the OP is LEAVE but I bet she won't. Why some people come on here and ask for help but already know what they're going to do is beyond me??
I agree that he's probably been doing this for a while. In your father's case, he probably didn't have an addiction. 9 times out 10, if a man is dealing with escorts he has an addiction, not necessarily to sex, more likely to the mere idea that sex is so available with little effort beyond providing the cash. If restricting access to the money helps, I don't see why anyone would think that just allowing him to keep his hand in the cookie jar is better.
It's easy to just say LEAVE. But this is marriage, and people's ideas about their vows are different. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother several times over but she stayed with him for 63 years until his death. Nowadays, no one wants to work at anything. Everyone is quick to sign those papers. Marriage takes work, even in times of severe adversity. It all comes down to how much you love the person and value the relationship. That being said, if she is deciding to stay, do you have any other suggestions? Because it seems like you and Matt have been stepping on everything she's done thus far.
I agree that he's probably been doing this for a while. In your father's case, he probably didn't have an addiction. 9 times out 10, if a man is dealing with escorts he has an addiction, not necessarily to sex, more likely to the mere idea that sex is so available with little effort beyond providing the cash. If restricting access to the money helps, I don't see why anyone would think that just allowing him to keep his hand in the cookie jar is better.
It's easy to just say LEAVE. But this is marriage, and people's ideas about their vows are different. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother several times over but she stayed with him for 63 years until his death. Nowadays, no one wants to work at anything. Everyone is quick to sign those papers. Marriage takes work, even in times of severe adversity. It all comes down to how much you love the person and value the relationship. That being said, if she is deciding to stay, do you have any other suggestions? Because it seems like you and Matt have been stepping on everything she's done thus far.
I have to disagree with you. My father was addicted, he had an additive personality. He was an alcoholic. He was an extremist. So is my mother. It wasn't easy dealing with those two and thankfully, I didn't inherit that gene from them.
Back in your grandparents days, it was much different. Women took crap from men and lived with it. Nowadays you don't have to take it. Children in these crappy marriages know what's going on and unfortunately, most of them go through a similar relationship when they are older because that's all they knew.
My suggestion to her - LEAVE. Leave for her sake and the children's sake. He will do it again. I can bet on that. He is not remorseful. If he was remorseful then I might say something different. But when someone isn't remorseful and gets mad at someone because they are going through difficulties because of their actions, they have made up their minds that they will continue on their destructive path.
I see alot of heartache for her and her children if she continues to stay with him. Again I say good luck to her and her children!
IMHO, once infidelity occurs, the bridge to a long fulfilling marriage has been burned. One can forgive, one can try to move past it, but I don't believe it ever really heals, nor do I believe that all shreds of doubt will ever be gone and trust will be 100% restored. There will always be questions and suspicion in the back of your mind. I am not saying you shouldn't try. But Humpty Dumpty will never be truly whole again. Only you can decide if you can live with that.
It took me six years after my ex-husband's affair to realise that I just couldn't live with the charred bridge. I loved him, we had two children, we had friends and family that despite the infidelity saw us as a really good couple. But despite the smile on my face and my best efforts, the nagging doubts ruined what we had. And I couldn't fix it.
I have remarried and I love my husband to death. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner. Which is precisely why if he ever betrayed that and cheated on me, I wouldn't waste six years trying to restore what he so callously broke. I would pack my toys and leave immediately.
So very well stated, sunshineleith. So true. Many people continue to live a miserable life, some for valid reasons, some just because they don't have the guts to leave. Good for you that you left and now have someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
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