Dating a widow or widower...or divorcee who isn't totally "free" yet! (marry, girls)

[CArizona]

jurs..The "picture stuff" on Facebook would bother me too. I haven't started dating yet because I'm still too attached to my husband. And I just don't feel "free" right now. I wouldn't want to bore men to death with talk about my husband on dates...It doesn't sound like the man you're involved with is really "free" either. (Not totally "free" anyway.) How do you feel about it?...Sorry that you lost Greg so soon. I wouldn't want to feel like "second best" either. It's not healthy. And I wouldn't want a man I was dating to feel "second best" to my husband either. This is why I'm not dating yet. I know I'm not ready...Good luck to you whatever you decide to do. You're so articulate! You're smart! You don't deserve to be anyone's "second best." But you have to decide what's best for you. Thanks for posting and sharing.

[WyoNewk]

Jurs,
I think there's got to be some give and take. You can't expect him to forget his late wife. She was a major part of his life, and a good share of his memories include her in them. He loved her, and those memories of her are important to him.

Can he share those memories with you or not? Can you hear them without feeling left out of his life? Without feeling like he wishes you were her? If not, do you want him to put up a shield when reminiscing about his life so that he never mentions her?

I was (am?) a widower too. I met my wife a couple years after the death of my late wife, she moved in with me a couple years later, and we were married a couple years after that. It bothered her a little when I'd talk about my late wife, so I try (still) not to. I can kind of understand how she feels, but I wish I wasn't so restricted. I mean, I also wonder why spouses get jealous of dead people. Either way, we're doing fine, been married nearly a decade now.

Maybe it would do you good to talk to a counselor -- might do him some good too. You so you'd understand how he feels -- that loving the memory of his late wife doesn't mean that he wishes you were her. Him so he'd understand why it hurts you that he misses his late wife -- that you feel you're simply a fill-in. If you care about each other, there's got to be a happy medium somewhere.

Good luck!

[CArizona]

jurs...Need to make a correction to my last post. What I meant to say was that you don't have to settle for being "second best!" (This is how I feel anyway!)

[jurs]

Thanks for posting. In a way I see this as an opportunity for growth. I would love to be able to embrace Kai (his deceased wife) and her pics and think it would be easier to do so if he made a better effort to be more compassionate towards me. Ughh... I wish I was okay with this too! In many ways I am. Its weird... I can listen to him talk about her and be just fine about it most of the time but every so often (like once every two weeks) I will get fed up. For Gods sake I had to listen to him go on and on and on about her family tree!!! I tried to steer the conversation off her family history topic (which was quite boring to listen too) and tell him about my family... he cut me off! I felt angry and resentful. He told me she was his best friend and that he couldn't talk to me. He told me their marriage was 95 percent perfect and gives me a laundry list as to why I need to change to be acceptable to him. Its hurtful. I dont like who I am becoming. He shared with me that he and his wife rarely had sex. Once a year... and I have thrown it in his face that obviously it wasn't that perfect of a marriage. Then I feel guilt and shame. I understand he loves her and always will. I am okay with that and understand it. I dont think thats the issue. The issue is I am not as important. I am not as loved. I could deal with being loved differently... but this is clearly that its not as much. I know I sound like a spoiled child instead of a grown woman... but in all honesty that is how I feel

[CArizona]

WyoNewk...This is getting to be a good discussion. I welcome it because I'm a widow who may (or may not) date someday...A red flag went up for me when jurs wrote that the man she is dating was hesitant to put her pictures up on his Facebook page due to his in-laws and how they might feel about it...It is a delicate situation since the man was married for so many years. But maybe he shouldn't have gotten involved with someone else until he was ready to be open about it with everyone. (Including his in-laws.)...I try to avoid relationships that involve a lot of "secrets." I'm sure that my son might have some fears and feelings if I decide to start dating again at some point. But I always want to be open and honest with him. I wouldn't want to "hide" things from him...This wouldn't be fair to my son or the man I decided to date...My husband and I talked about our former spouses and relationships quite often. I even know the song that my husband and his first wife danced to the night they met. We loved to share stories about our life (and past) with each other. We didn't get jealous because our love seemed so solid and secure.

[CArizona]

jurs...You have a right to your feelings! Your feelings seem to be telling you that you deserve "more.".. As I just mentioned in my last post my husband and I talked about former spouses and relationships and we were "okay" with it. (Not jealous.) But this is because we knew that our love was solid and secure....There was no sense that we'd rather be back with someone from our past rather than be with each other...The previous relationships were just chapters in the story of our lives. They were "over." We both felt lucky and grateful that we found each other and we had no desire to "go back" to anyone else...If I tried to date right now it would be too soon. My relationship with my husband is not "over" or in my past. I still feel married to him. I haven't gone through all the stages of grief yet. I haven't "cut the ties" or "reinvented" myself or my life yet. It just wouldn't be fair to get involved with someone else right now and I know it. Maybe down the road sometime but ???

[blondiel]

jurs, I understand your concerns. It appears that not only is your SO dealing with the loss of his wife, but the way he responds to you is mean. A person can be hurting but they don't have to be mean about it. Having sex once a year is not what any healthy woman would want. Maybe he is carrying some guilt about the way he treated her and he uses her memories for his own comfort. He could just not be ready and you were a rebound for each other.
There is never any reason for a SO to be verbally abusive.
You deserve better.

I could be way off and not understand the emotions of losing a spouse or SO. I can imagine that it is the most hurting loss.

[jurs]

Thanks for the responses. I guess what it amounts to is I want more than he can give.
CArizona, I hope one day you do date. Please dont let threads like this scare you away from meeting and loving another. I wonder if men have an easier time dating a woman who is a widow than a woman does dating a man who is a widow. Somehow I think men could handle photos and conversations about the deceased spouse easier than women can???? I have a friend who counseled and he told me women get jealous or insecure when it comes to emotional closeness and men get jealous and insecure if it is about sex. It kinda makes sense that this sort of struggle may be a bigger burden for a woman.

[jasper12]

This is interesting reading for me. I am dating a widower, he was happily married for 40 years. I really have no issues with that. He seems to be having fun with me...but I know I am nothing compared to how he felt about his wife. It is not a big deal. He does not want anyone to know he is dating me either...which is fine, it is his business who he tells about his personal life.

But, at some point, I know this will end up being an issue. I am willing to let him "adjust" for awhile...and if at some point he can't, it will be time for me to move on. But for now, I will just see what happens.

[srjth]

This thread reminds me of the movie "Lars and the Real Girl"