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... He told me she was his best friend and that he couldn't talk to me. He told me their marriage was 95 percent perfect and gives me a laundry list as to why I need to change to be acceptable to him....
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Whoaaaaa! He has some issues! I can see why you're having a hard time with this. It sounds horrible.
And unfortunately, many seem to live more in the past the older we get. (If you can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, you resort to 40 years ago.)
Sorry Jurs, I don't know what to tell you. You've told him it hurts, yet he continues. I know what my wife would do -- turn away and tune me out until I shut-the-hell up!
This has been a good discussion. Lots of "food for thought." It is hard to follow in someone else's "shadow" and "footsteps." Maybe widows and widowers need to wait until they really feel "more single again" before they start dating...I'm sure I'll feel this way at some point. It may take years. (I'm not sure. I've never been a widow before. This is the first time.)...But I want to wait until I can be "there" and "be fair" to any men I date...I don't want to just offer them "crumbs." And I don't want to compare them to my husband in negative ways. This doesn't seem fair.
I ran into a happy couple the other day, each one had been married for over 50 years. And together they have now been married for five years. They are very happy. I have met lots of widowers and widows who are married again, one sweet couple brought tears to my eyes, the man loved his wife, never thought he would marry again, but met his current "bride", and they fell in love. A new love does not diminish the love you had, it just ends the lonliness. When you meet the right person, you will know it is time to look forward.
My Grandmother got married at age 70, things were okay, but rocky, because her husband had counter transference issues, he did not see her...he really just wanted his wife back, and married my Grandmother because she looked so much alike. Nonetheless, they were together for over 25 years.
I don't worry much about dating a widower...at least they are already well trained! At my age that is all I am going to find...or a divorced guy...
I think widows and widowers can fall in love again and have happy marriages with new spouses...I've seen this happen too. But both people have to be ready to create a new life together..I had 2 "failed" marriages earlier in life. (The last marriage was so short I had it annuled. The first one lasted just a little over 6 years.) I was pretty "burnt-out" on love and marriage after that and was basically "alone" for 12 years...I had no idea that love would "come knocking" again. My last husband and I were happily married for nearly 25 years. (He passed away from pancreatic cancer in the summer of 2010.) Sad!...I just need more time to work through my grief. I'm not ready to put myself "on the market" quite yet. Maybe I'll feel differently down the road. Not sure!
This has been a good discussion. Lots of "food for thought." It is hard to follow in someone else's "shadow" and "footsteps." Maybe widows and widowers need to wait until they really feel "more single again" before they start dating...I'm sure I'll feel this way at some point. It may take years. (I'm not sure. I've never been a widow before. This is the first time.)...But I want to wait until I can be "there" and "be fair" to any men I date...I don't want to just offer them "crumbs." And I don't want to compare them to my husband in negative ways. This doesn't seem fair.
I was widowed over 20 years ago, participated in grief support groups, and ran a few myself. So I think I know just a little bit about this widow business.
Personally, I think there is great wisdom in waiting about a year before getting seriously involved in a romantic relationship. Generally, that first year of widowhood is tough...you must endure the first holidays without your loved one, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary...and then the first anniversary of their death. Grief is work, and if you try to avoid it, it WILL come back and bite you in the arse. For some people, the second year is more difficult than the first. This is when reality really sinks in.
We are usually very vulnerable after losing a spouse, and I've seen too many people get romantically involved for the wrong reasons...and the other person in the relationship really got hurt. CA, from your posts, it appears to me that you're taking the right approach...keep up the good work!
LibraGIrl...Thanks for posting. I'm going through my 2nd year right now. I agree with what you wrote. It's taken me awhile to step out of the "fog," Reality had to set in...Also I think each couple (and marriage) is different. My husband and I were best friends and super close. We enjoyed spending most of our time together...Other couples may have a little more "separatism." Most of my female friends spend time with their sisters or kids or friends "apart" from their husbands. They go "one way" and their husbands go "another way"a lot of times. The men hang-out together and the women in the family hang-out together...My husband and I were more "uni-sex" and non-traditional and didn't "split-up" like this based on our gender...I was closer to my husband than any girlfriend I've ever had in my life. I could tell him anything and he would listen and take my feelings and concerns seriously. (And vica-versa.) Nobody has ever understood me the way that he did....It's hard to "detach" from "what we had" and I know it's going to take time and patience! Thanks for the kind words and thanks for understanding how I feel and what I'm going through etc...I'm sorry you lost your husband. Did you remarry? I'd like to hear more about your support groups. Thanks!
I learned a painful lesson about "rebound relationships" early in life...My first marriage lasted a little over 6 years. (I got married too young at 18.) After a few years it was obvious that my first husband and I were not a good match. It felt good to get out of my unhappy marriage but sad too. I had to grow-up fast and go through a lot of adjustments because I had sole custody of my kids...I worked, put myself through college and tried to be "there" for my kids. I dated when I could...Eventually I met a little older man who owned a restaurant in my town. We went on a few dates. I liked him but didn't feel we were the best match. Every time I tried to break it off with him (nicely) he went into a "hyper-mode" to try to hold on to me or "win me back" etc...He was a master manipulator disguised as "Mr. Nice Guy." He convinced my parents and family and some of my friends to "pressure me" into marrying him. He said he wanted to love me and spoil me and be a good father to my kids. In the end I looked like a "big meanie" to everyone for not marrying him! But my feelings told me it would be a big mistake. Of course everyone told me that my feelings were "wrong" back then! I was outnumbered! And still young and naive...Eventually I "caved-in" and married him. And my feelings were "right" and it was a big mistake after all! He had a hidden drinking problem and a secret addiction to young girls. He was not who he seemed to be at all...I had the marriage annuled because we were married less than a year. It took a big toll on me. I started having panic attacks because I felt like such a "failure." It took me years to recover...So I am not a fan of "rebound relationships!" I met my "last" husband 12 years later when I was in a different "place." I was older and wiser. And we were happily married for nearly 25 years! I know it's going to take me a long time to get over him and "all" we had together. And this is okay with me! I'm not in a rush or hurry to hook-up with someone "new."
It's all about knowing yourself and being very direct and honest with yourself and anyone else about what you want. Sounds like you are doing that just fine, CArizona. I have encountered some divorced men who are very anxious to have someone in their lives...for sex, at least, if not for marriage. I can understand that, but the anxiousness comes across as neediness and sometimes desperation and that's not appealing. I know very well that I'm not ready for Husband #2.
I think the best thing to do at any age or stage is to have a relationship with yourself first. You need to be a complete entity, a happy being, without someone else before you become a complete couple with them.
SeeingJane...Good post! I totally agree with you. I'm not really "on my own" quite yet even though my husband is gone. (And I know it!) I have a long way to go before I am ready to "reinvent myself." Right now I only know who I was with my husband and who we were together...I'll have to "rebirth myself" at some point and redefine who I am and who I want to be as a separate and single person once again. And work on creating new goals and a new direction for my life. It's hard right now because my son has been battling brain tumors...When things become stable with my son I'm sure life will be easier...Years ago (way before I met my husband) I joined a local chapter of "Parents Without Partners." They had fun (low-cost) activities for families and dances and other events for the single parents. In the end I decided to drop-out because I kept running into so many "needy" and "desperate" guys even at the family events...They seemed so "hungry" for "anyone." It was sad! But I just couldn't deal with all the "sharks" and left after awhile...I was attracted to my husband because he had so many interests. He wasn't looking for someone to "fill him up" or someone to "mother" him! He was self-activated in other words. And I guess I was too because I had been single for 12 years. We weren't "needy" when we met. And we weren't looking for a "replacement" for someone else...Good that you know where you are "at" too! I definitely feel "lost" without my husband. But I haven't lost all my senses! I know I'm not ready to date yet.
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